Back to School with Peer Mediation

As summer comes to an end, and students head back to school, let’s look at Peer Mediation as an alternative to Conflict Resolution. Conflict is something that occur everyday, to all people, whether it is good or bad. How one chooses to resolve conflict will determine the outcome. Peer mediation is one solution that students can use to problem solve, and resolve conflicts. Peer mediation is a learned skill that can be used throughout life.

Let’s establish what conflict is. What exactly does the word conflict mean? The Community Mediation Center defines conflict as controversy or disagreement. What are some words that student’s think of when they hear the word conflict? All students have situations that they deal with on a daily basis, but they do not use the word conflict. Conflict is described as a physical fight, a verbal confrontation, an emotional problem, name-calling, cultural bias, discrimination issue, and any disagreement between two or more people; all of which students will experience while in school. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing; it could mean revealing things in order to show there is no problem at all. Peer Mediation allows problems to be identified and bring about change for the good.

Most students do not know how to deal with conflict; their way of resolving conflict is usually through physical or verbal fighting. Though they may get their point across, this is not a solution to the problem. Physical fighting or verbal exchanges only lead to more problems.

Determining how to deal with conflict can be complicated when students are involved; this is when School Administration needs to introduce Peer Mediation. Do to the pressures of student life, which include peers, athletic teams, neighborhoods, race, family, and a number of other factors, students will attempt to resolve conflict based on what they have learned from these influences. Some students do not know how to deal with conflict because they have not been taught correctly. Let us begin to change the disciplinary procedures in the school setting, by starting with Peer Mediation, after all in the adult profession world we are not sent to the boss or sent home (for 10 days) for everything that goes on in the workplace.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth Outreach

Mediator Tips
How to help generate options

Generating options is an important part of the process because of its transformation of participants from a mindset of talking about what happened to them into a mindset of thinking constructively about what to do about the problem. If done correctly, participants will move beyond their initial positions and think about what they can do to help the problem. Below are some tips you can use to make the generating options process a success.

• Use a flipchart to help the parties brainstorm possible solutions. Remember to help them think “outside of the box.”
• Feelings that surface may indicate other concerns that have not been addressed. More storytelling may be needed.
• Manage positional thinking by referring back to their reasons for choosing to mediate. "We've come a long way from the beginning of the session, are you still willing to look for a mutually satisfying solution?”
• Mediators may give "what if" scenarios to do reality testing on suggestions.
• Be willing to accept that not all parties are ready to resolve at the same time.

Mediator Tips
Conflicts of interest

The mediator has a duty to remain free from conflict of interest that could in any way affect the ability of the mediator to conduct a neutral and balanced process. Since it is important that the parties trust the mediator, talking about conflicts of interest- if any- is important for the mediation process.

Among the things a mediator must disclose are any current, past, or possible future representation or relationship with any party or attorney involved in the mediation. Additionally, any financial interests relevant to the mediation must be disclosed. Finally, any and all disclosures should be made as soon as possible after the mediator becomes aware of the interest or relationship.

After appropriate disclosure, the mediator may serve if the parties so desire.

"It takes a community..."

There is an ongoing debate in the field of psychology about the merits of treating an individual without treating the entire family. Is it possible to truly change one person's behavior without also changing his or her community?I believe that, when we teach conflict resolution skills to at-risk youth, we face the same dilemma...During training, these kids show an incredible ability to learn CR skills to resolve issues - they are assertive, caring and inquisitive. However, it is not an easy task for them to translate those skills into behaviors that would work in their community - family, friends, neighbors! Of course we need to keep on teaching these kids how to best deal with conflict without the use of violence, but how wonderful it would be if we also addressed their community!

Andrea C. Palmisano
Youth Program Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles

Here's a useful tool that we use at the Center in our trainings to help people understand the causes and mannerisms of conflict. It is a way of measuring the various ways in which individuals handle conflict, and it categorizes them into 5 different types: competing, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and accomodating. Here are their meanings:

• Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win."
• Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay."
• Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground."
• Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win solution."
• Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield."

People don't fall into only one category, but rather have a grade in each. For example, someone can have a high number in competing and compromising, a middle number in collaborating, and a lot number in accomodating and avoiding.

As a mediator, it is important to understand this chart and use it in a mediation to figure out how your various clients deal with conflict. Once you understand how they will deal with conflict, you can work with them to reach a solution.

What to do When Clients Cry

Recently I had a series of mediations and co-parenting classes in which clients cried. I always feel awkward when that happens. Do I offer a tissue or wait? If I am sympathetic, does the other party think I am being partial? Am I doing something wrong that evokes strong emotion? Not necessarily.

My first encounter with a client who cried occured when I was a mentee. The mom burst into tears. My mentor sat and did nothing. I realized there was no tissue on the table, so I waited, too. There is so much bottled up emotion, that it comes out as part of the mediation process. Mediation is not therapy, but sometimes it feels like therapy. Finally, a person who was with the woman handed her a tissue. She gathered herself and we went forward.

In a co-parenting class, a young woman was talking about being in rehab, and things she was doing to regain custody of her child. One of the requirements was to attend the class. In the middle of her statement, she stopped, and began to weep. I waited, tissue box on my training table. Finally, another parent grabbed a tissue, handed it to the young woman, and said, "You should be proud of what you are doing." Other parents echoed the same thought. The class brought her out of it, not me. The support should come from her peers.

Another mediator told be about a session in which both parents cried, but not at the same time. "Crying is not a sign of weakness," she said. "It's just strong emotion, and once that emotion is released, the clients are ready to move on and talk about their issues."

It's difficult to face a client who is crying and do nothing, because we don't want to appear cold and unsympathic. It's just human nature. But sometimes not taking action is the best thing we can do, because the client must find the strength and composure to get on with the business of a busted relationship. And sometimes it is even harder for us not to also cry. I am tearing up now. Anyone have a tissue?

Chuck Hardwick

Mediation skills are universally applicable

You never know when mediation skills will come in handy. On an almost daily basis in my family I use my reflecting, empathy and good listening skills to try and squash arguments, resolve misunderstandings and clarify information to help make decisions.

I have found that children quickly catch on to using I-messages. For example I told my four-year-old son (who had not put his shoes on after I asked him way too many times) "I feel fustrated when you don't listen to me." Later on he told his brother (who was ignoring him in the car)"I feel fuss-stated when you don't listen to me."

Don't forget your mediation skills in your everyday life. You don't have to save them for the mediation room, they work wonders everywhere.

Sara Foote

The Passion of Conflict Mediation

Conflict Resolution is something that requires passion. Here's what I mean: Growing up in this American culture we are not taught to be effective communicators or good listeners. Usually, our goal is to win and therefore we are considering our own response while others are speaking to us. What a difference it can make to use paraphrasing and reflective listening! However, using these tools is a choice - one that requires a steadfast diligence. It is surprising the number of changes that would occur in this world if we were taught from the start to use reflective listening and I-messaging. Plus, when you "do" conflict resolution people often look to you for answers. If I had a nickel for every time someone said "mediate me," I would be rich! The point here is that once you know and use the skill there is no down time, no time to turn it off. That's why it takes passion - to keep up the pace. Sure, you can set boundaries or opt out of a conversation, but deep down people that know and use conflict resolution and effective communication skills have a duty to change the world. At the Community Mediation Center, staff and volunteers change the world every day. Yes, I get tired, but when I look around at the faces of training participants, or when I read the testimonies of mediation clients, my passion gets refilled.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director