Community Mediation Center

2009-07-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Can you believe the Community Mediation Center of Southeastern Virginia (CMC) has been educating and providing conflict resolution services to families, youth, individuals and the community for the past 19 years?

Last year brought new and unique opportunities for the CMC and, in many ways, it was one of the best years ever. New partnerships were formed, youth peer mediation programs were created and expanded, the CMC partnered in gang prevention and intervention programs and diversified both our training curriculum and customer base. We communicated our message via the radio, internet, blogs, television, newsletters and in person. Our staff delivered presentations and facilitated discussions to city groups, the business community, nonprofit organizations, professional and civic groups, families, courts, schools and colleges and universities. The community at large benefited from these activities. We continue to receive positive feedback. Over 90% of people who used mediation alone reported they would use it again and 85% of all mediations reached a agreement.

It is said that “one great, strong, unselfish soul in every community could redeem the world”. In our community, we are strengthened by many strong souls—our 13 talented staff members, over 60 dedicated volunteers and 18 motivated board members. This devoted group provides conflict resolution training and services, mediation, facilitation and arbitration services to virtually every part of our community. Last summer alone, this team trained over 300 students in conflict resolution skills.

In 2009, the CMC faces the same economic challenges as the nation. How do we do more... with potentially less resources? In their usual optimistic and creative style, the CMC staff views this as an opportunity to continuously improve the delivery of our products and services. We commit to increase our partnerships with other organizations, to offer new and expanded programs and to innovatively diversify our services while maintaining affordable pricing so that we can provide our services to all who desire them. We will continue our focus on youth...helping them resolve their own conflicts so they will not reach negative outcomes. We will help families live together peacefully and co-parent their children in a positive manner. We will increase conflict resolution training opportunities to our community. We are ready to resolve, reduce and prevent conflict.

I continue to applaud and admire the true commitment of the dedicated staff, volunteers, supporters, and our Board of Directors. Our entire community benefits when we all learn how to resolve conflict.

Kim Humphrey

2009-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays?

Holidays are supposed to be joyous times, with shopping, social gatherings and the anticipation of some time off to be with family and friends. But for parents going through a separation process, it can be a time of stress, anger and concern over finances and what will happen to their children.

I see it every fall as Thanksgiving apporaches and again during the Christmas/New Year's week. I have had more parents cry during meadions and parenting classes than at any other time of year. They are just overwhelmed by the emotional and financial stress and the idea they are supposed to be happy. I can relate to them because I got my GET OUT! papers the week before Christmas of 1986. I was stunned because I thought we had come to an agreement that nothing would happen until after the holidays. On Christmas Eve, I had dinner with a neighbor who also was going through the process. There was little joy at that table and neither one of us had much to say.

So this past holiday season, I was a little more patient with parents who suddenly became emotional during story-telling or when talking about their children. I offered a time-out and tried to say something to let them know I understood what they are experiencing. Any time of the year is a tough time to be going through a separation process, but the holidays, I think, are the hardest because parents are grieving at a time when it seems everyone around them is having a good time.

Chuck Hardwick

2009-01-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

I love being a mentor-mediator.

A mentor-mediator is a Virginia Supreme Court certified mediator that has mediated for at least 2 years & gone through the recertification process at least once. Plus, mentors take special training to learn how to coach mediators-in-training through the sometimes difficult process of learning to mediate.

Of course I love to see my mentees do well. It’s like a baby learning to crawl & then walk. I feel like a proud parent. I’m so blessed to be a part of their certification journey, to make my mark.

But, the real reason I love to mentor is a selfish one. I love to talk about my craft. I could talk about the mediation process and techniques all day (if I didn’t have other stuff to do). Hearing war-stories and OMG moments, makes me appreciate mediation more and more. For me, being a mentor is not a job, its fun! Thinking of challenging scenarios, talking to myself about different ways to say certain things, replaying moments in my head, playing the “what if” game…

To me, the paperwork and extra training is worth it by far. It keeps me as sharp as ever - processing, thinking, learning…

-Amanda Burbage

2008-12-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Last week my friend called me looking for best friend advice about the best way to talk to her fiancé. After listening to her story, and paraphrasing what she said, I offered my secret tool…I-messages. I use I-messages with everyone- my parents, my brother, my boyfriend- and 9 times out of 10 it is very effective in getting my point across without being accusatory or hurtful.

I told my friend that I-messages are a great way of saying what you want to say without pointing the finger. She would be able to talk to her fiancé and he wouldn’t get upset. I told her about the secret formula: I feel ________ when ________ because _________ and I need __________. She really seemed like a natural...she practiced a few I-messages on me and got the courage to call her fiancé and test it out.

An hour later I got a phone call from my best friend… “Megan you’re a genius! It totally worked! I told him how I was feeling and he didn’t get frustrated or mad…he even agreed with me!” I told her I’m not a genius, I’m just in the field of conflict resolution and talking things out is what I know best. I was glad to share my secret tool with my best friend, and glad to hear that I-messages came to the rescue yet again! I feel great when I-messages help my friends because they mean so much to me and I need them to always be happy!

-Megan Carpenter

2008-12-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

Check out the latest updates from former AmeriCorps Member
Jason Clevenger

volunteer English teacher in Changsha, Hunan, China

2008-12-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

Going to the chart

Sometimes, putting information on flip charts in mediation can dramatically shift the attention of the clients from each other to concentrating on the issues. I've been involved in three mediations where the technique worked to help clients focus on the work that needed to be done and not each other's history.

In one, two sisters were arguing over the care of their elderly mother. One sister thought the other, who was living with the mother, was not doing a good job and was gone for long periods of time, leaving their elderly parent alone. They kept repeating their history to each other and the issues between them, often talking at the same time. My co-mediator went to the chart and asked them if they wanted their mother to be healthy as long as possible. They agreed. Then they were asked if they wanted their mom to stay in her home as long as possible. They agreed. Already, two points of agreement were on the chart. The focus shifted to my co-mediator standing by the chart and the points of agreement on it. They stopped looking at and talking to each other and placed their attention on the chart. It wasn't long before they had worked out a schedule of who would care for their mom and when.

In another case, separating parents spent much of the fiirst part of the mediation blaming each other for the breakup. The discussion seemed to bog down, when my co-mediator went to the chart and listed five issues they had identified. My co-mediator then checked three points where they had come to an agreement. The co-mediator then praised the clients on coming to agreements on those points and noted there were only two more issues to discuss. Eventually, they came to an agreement on all the issues, largely because they could "see" progress in the discussion.

A third case involved a couple who had separated and were trying to untangle their joint finances and debt. Again they got into their personal history and issues with each other, until my co-mediator went to the chart and started listing dollar amounts. I'm not very good with numbers but even I could see they were only a couple of hundred dollars apart. Unfortunatly, they could not see it and continued to re-hash their history until she abruptly left the room.
It doesn't work all the time, but the chart is a useful tool to help crystalize the issues and track progress on them.

Chuck Hardwick

2008-11-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession?

Recently, I had the privilege of going through the Old Dominion University Career Switcher program. Becoming a teacher was something I had contemplated but never thought I would do. Well, as they say never say never because you never know when never will come. I have been a substitute teacher on and off and working here at the Center for the last two years has helped me realize that I can do this as a career and hopefully be happy.

While filling out the application for Norfolk Public Schools the last question on the application read as follows: Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession? My response below has been the same over the years and I am surprised that I have not detoured from my “philosophy or belief” when it comes to teaching. I believe that teaching takes passion and dedication.

Nevertheless, here is my response to the question above. I believe I am suited for the teaching profession because I enjoy helping to shape our future leaders. Gandhi stated that we must be the change that we want to see in the world. One of the ways that I can be a part of that change is through teaching and volunteering my time. I have volunteered my time in several diverse capacities over the years but the ones that stand out the most are the times I am training or facilitating youth programs. I have done several trainings on teaching youth how to deal with conflict or how to become a peer mediator in their schools. I enjoy working with young people because they keep me on top of my game and hold me to my personal belief of being the change I want to see in the world. I know I will not be able to have an impact on every student but I will make a difference in some of their lives and maybe even their parents as well. Therefore, I am suited for the teaching profession because I want to teach and want to make a difference in the future leaders of my children. I want to be the teacher that they will know I truly care about their future.

-Veronica Hill

2008-11-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

I hurt my left foot over the summer. For several months I was back and forth to the doctor trying different “boots” and treatments to no avail. On October 10th my doctor put me in a cast from just under my toes to right under my knees. I was told not to put weight on it and to learn to use crutches for the next 4-6 weeks.

I felt paralyzed! I was not in pain but I was completely uncomfortable. I felt like the world around me was no longer accessible. It took me several days, no honestly it took a week or two, for me to realize that I could get around, I could do most of the things I had been able to do without the cast.

I tell this story for two reasons. The first is that I now have a whole new compassion and empathy for those who are physically disabled. I don’t mean that I feel sorry for them, I just feel like I know where they are coming from now even though my “disability” was minor and hopefully temporary. They face a challenge every time they have to go up porch steps to enter a house or when they need to go grocery shopping. (I have resorted to taking my 3 sons grocery shopping with me so that I can ride around in one of those electric carts and they can help carry the bags to the car while I hop on my crutches. Before this I tried to never take the boys grocery shopping, mostly because I spend a whole lot more time and money when they are with me!)

The second reason I tell this story is because I have been impressed and surprised at people's help (or lack of help) when I am in public. Sometimes I’ll be hopping up to a door and someone will stop what they are doing to hold it open for me. At other times people will continue on with what they are doing while I try struggle to get the door open. For the most part, people have been helpful and I think that is great. The group I have been most impressed with is my co-workers. They have been so helpful and kind (only a few jokes a day!). They carry my try for me when we go out to eat, they open doors for me, and they even carry my water bottle for me when I needed to teach a class! Thanks guys.

This experience has taught me, or maybe just reminded me, that life is not just about yourself and your own struggle. Everybody is dealing with something whether you can see it or not. So lend a helping hand, open a door or just smile at someone today.

-Sara Foote

2008-11-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

Life at the CMC

I have been with the Community Mediation Center for several months now, and I truly believe that teamwork and the people that one is granted the privilege of calling co-workers make the difference between working a job and developing a career.

The people I work with come from diverse backgrounds and cultures but we all manage to put our differences to the side and make a team that is both beneficial and rewarding for both our volunteer mediators as well as our cliental.

I believe that this is the secret ingredient to a thriving workplace; teamwork, reliability, empathy - and the ability to say its ok to dress up as a mime or Gilligan, or even Batgirl when you come to work. These are characteristics that you won’t find many places, and if you do, then it is a true gem you have found and should cherish. I have enjoyed my time here with the CMC and look forward to working with this fun, creative, and diverse group of people for many more years to come.

-Chaniece Winfield

2008-10-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Last week, in honor of National Conflict Resolution Day, I had the opportunity to do a brief introduction to conflict resolution to 4th and 5th grade students at a local elementary school. I asked them questions like “what words do you think of when you hear the word conflict?”, “how does conflict make you feel?” and “how do you resolve conflict in your own life?”. I must admit I was shocked by the complexity and contemplation behind the answers I received.

When asked for words relating to conflict, the students’ answers ranged from fight and argument to war and divorce. As to be expected, I got feeling words like angry and mad, but I also heard frustrated, confused, abandoned, ignored, embarrassed, dishonest and disrespectful. And when asked how they resolve conflict, the students’ answers varied; some ignore it, some yell into a pillow, others play video games or talk to their friends and family. Not a single student said they go directly to the source and talk to the person they are in conflict with.

Peer mediation is being introduced to this school, and this program will allow students the opportunity to talk directly to the person they are in conflict with in a safe, friendly, confidential and violence-free environment. The 4th and 5th graders I spoke to definitely knew a lot more about conflict than I had imagined…and definitely knew a lot less about conflict resolution than I had hoped.

-Megan Carpenter

2008-10-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards

2008-10-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I drove my car into a big puddle and drowned it. Well...it wasn't really a puddle, it was a flooded street and I was driving at night in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with.

Needless to say, my little Mercury Sable was prounounced DOA when I took it to my mechanic.

CONFLICT: I need a new car, but I am an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and my funds are very limited.

So, like a good mediator, I pulled out my pad of paper just as if I were in a mediation session with a flip chart and I started the brainstorming process. I began generating options; organizing and prioritizing them. In our youth program we use the acronym SODAS for the decision making process

Situation
Options
Disadvantages
Advantages
Solution

It is an easy and effective way of breaking down the step-by-step decision making process to make the best decision possible.

I listed my options:
- buy a new or a used car
I reality tested all the advantages and disadvantages;
-could I afford the car payment if I bought a new car?
-what would insurance costs look like?
-if I bought a used car, what repairs or maintenance would I be looking at?
-what was the reliability of the different makes and models?

After two weeks of searching (and lots of help from a wonderful support group of family, friends, and co-workers), I was finally able to come up with an acceptable solution that wouldn't break the bank. I am now happily behind the wheel of a used Toyota Camry.

Don't underestimate the importance of the brainstorming stage and listing all possibilities. Sometimes just being able to see all the options on paper helps to organize thoughts and begin to move in the direction of resolution.

-Diane Arnold

2008-10-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, I had a chance to return to my alma mater, the University of Missouri, for a 100th aniversary celebration of the School of Journalism. All classes were invited to return and about 3,000 of us swarmed the J-School complex and spent a few days literally walking down memory lane.

The campus has changed a lot since I last stepped foot there in the 80s. Three new buildings added to the J-School campus, and tons of new classrooms and dorms built where there used to be open space. The entire dorm complex I had lived in as a freshman was gone, being replaced with a massive structure filled with the latest electronic wiring for gadgets and equipment that had not been invented when I was on campus.

The most fun, though, was exploring the new J-School buildings. We were invited to sit in on lectures, visit labs and mingle with students and faculty. My old J-School news room was now quiet and filled with offices and storage rooms. Across the street stood the new newsroom with sections for photography, circulation, advertising and the newsroom itself. I immediately noticed the quiet. As a journalism student in the 60s, the newsroom was filled with shouting editors, the jangle of ringing phones, the noise of reporters pounding manual typewriters and the constant clicking of wire machines bringing news from all over the world.

I had plenty of opportunity to talk to faculty about the technological changes. But I had the most fun with the very young budding journalists. The most-often asked question: What was my first job out of journalism school. My answer: I worked for the government. Most of the men in my class of 1966 were drafted immediately after graduation. What was my most vivid memory of J-School? was another question. My answer: The day JFK was assasinated and they actually stopped the presses.

I talked about my career after J-School, and what I was doing today (a marketing moment for mediation). I'm still using my J-School training, I told one student, who had asked if those skills had evaporated, now that I was was out of the business. In J-School, we were told to asked open-ended questions. The who, where, when, what, why and how. In mediation, I still ask those kinds of questions and for the same reason--to get people to open up and tell their stories. Never ask a yes or no question, I reminded this student. You'll get a yes or no answer. But you won't get any information. This also applies to mediation. Maybe J-School was preparing me to be a mediator.

Chuck Hardwick

2008-09-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks I have learned that when there is a conflict going on between family members or friends and they DO NOT ask you for help, DON’T get involved!

My aunt and my sister were having some issues recently and I found myself automatically wanting to help them problem solve. Next thing I know I’m spending half my day back and forth on the phone with each of them trying to neutralize the harsh statements each was making about the other. It took me a while, but I realized they were not ready to work it out right now. They needed time to be mad and say ugly things that they would later regret. Eventually, after they had each calmed down (several days later), they were able to talk to each other and work out most of their problems.

I guess the point of this for me was:
1) If there is trouble brewing, stay out of it unless you are asked to help
resolve the conflict
2) Everyone has a different style of dealing with conflict. Some people can let
it drag on for days, others, like me, need it resolved before I go to bed that
night.

Problem solved, I can get some sleep now!

-Sara Foote

2008-09-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

What to do?

I’ve been mediating for 8 years, and I still have those moments… “What to do?!”

On Friday I found myself in a mediation that started off on the wrong foot and kept on going. “What should I do?”

I summarized – that kind-of worked. I asked open and closed questions – that didn’t matter. I held up the good or used interests & positions – seemed to help one of them. I took more control over the process – that didn’t work. I abdicated control over the process – that didn’t work. I took a break – didn’t help.

Intellectually I know that mediation isn’t for everyone. But, my heart HOPES it’s for everyone. I wish there was something I could have done to change the feelings, the distrust, or the outcome in that room.

But – it’s not about I or ME, it’s about them.

That’s hard to swallow sometimes.

So… “What to do?”

Keep practicing, continued self reflection & training, and keep on mediating!

-Amanda Burbage

2008-09-11T08:19:00.001-07:00

The little things are what make the difference. In nearly every facet of life, they are what separate greatness from mediocrity. They also have the ability to create the greatest amount of gratitude for what you no longer have access to. The latter I have found especially true in China.

Yesterday, the little things came through big for me. It is the little things I miss about America. Not being able to find push pins for example had me frustrated for quite a while. Until I saw them last night at the local store. Aaaaah, my shining beacon in the school supplies aisle. The smile lasted for two hours.

Little things are what separate us from each other. Little things keep us respectfully distant, keep us secure and keep our dreams possible. Going that extra step, taking one more look around the corner, staying one more minute.

All of these little things that occur in our lives. Our favorite radio station, cereal, efficiency in nearly every area of our lives. Too much of it is taken for granted in the states. The truth is that these little things are what keep us together, keep us stable and insure the chance to have happiness. Without them, we are gridlocked.

-Jason Clevenger

Jason was an AmeriCorps volunteer at the Center this summer. He is now in Changsha, Hunan, China teaching English. Read more about Jason's adventures in teaching on his blog at http://project7585.blogspot.com/

2008-09-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

When I tell people I have a Bachelor’s degree in Conflict Resolution the answer is always the same, “You have a degree in what?”

I have a degree in Conflict Resolution.

The second question always follows, “Where on Earth do you get a degree in that? I didn’t even know that was a real major.”

Conflict Resolution bachelor degree programs are now offered for undergrads in 16 states, and master degree programs are offered across the United States and in several other countries worldwide. Class titles can include Mediation, Ideas of War, Nonviolence, and Gender and Conflict.

Despite popular belief, I did not just sit around Indian style with my hair in braids reading about Gandhi and singing Kumbaya. During my four years of undergraduate studies at Juniata College, I took numerous classes in Peace and Conflict Studies, Politics, and Communication Studies. I had the opportunity to travel to the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland for a two week intensive study program on the troubles of Northern Ireland, I interned at the Northern Ireland Bureau in Washington, D.C. for a semester, and I studied abroad for a year in Derry, Northern Ireland. I worked with youth, teaching conflict resolution skills in local elementary schools, and served as an on-campus mediator. I took exams, wrote papers and spent many hours reading, studying, and experiencing reconciliation in post-conflict societies, nonviolence and mediation services. Conflict Resolution is a real major.

And the third question: “Now what exactly will you do with a degree in Conflict Resolution?”

This question is a bit more difficult to answer because there are many paths to take with a degree in Conflict Resolution. Some people go into social work, others into politics. Some choose international organizations like the United Nations, others choose small non-profits like Community Mediation Center. I have friends with Conflict Resolution degrees serving in the Peace Corps, working for Congressmen in Washington, and serving as mediators and case managers for different organizations throughout the United States, South America and the Middle East. Conflict is everywhere in life, from within the home to the international arena, and the options for working within the field of Conflict Resolution are just as broad.

My name is Megan and I’m the new Americorps VISTA volunteer here at CMC, working with youth programs. I’m going to use my degree to help children and teenagers learn to communicate effectively with their peers, parents, friends and siblings, and I am ready to take on the next series of dubious inquiries. “You work where? You do what?”

-Megan Carpenter

2008-09-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

Do you know about the AmeriCorps Program? I didn’t know much about the program until I came to the Community Mediation Center last year. Now I am such a supporter as I see what a difference these volunteers make in the nonprofit organizations and the communities they serve. According to their website, AmeriCorps offers 75,000 opportunities for adults of all ages and backgrounds to serve through a network of partnerships with local and national nonprofit groups each year.

The CMC has participated in the AmeriCorps program for several years and worked with many talented and enthusiastic individuals. They help us in so many ways- from managing our mediation services to working with our youth programs to leading many of our proactive community activities. Each individual brings such a wide array of skills, interests, talent and passions that has truly supported our mission.

Our dedicated staff, amazing volunteers, and active board are wonderful. But I am so honored to also have this experience of working with the AmeriCorps volunteers. Although these volunteers typically work with an organization for one year, their contributions are long lasting. Our current AmeriCorps volunteers work in youth, community outreach, volunteer services and mediation services. So much of what we offer our community could not be done without their support. Many of our current staff directors started as AmeriCorps and are by far the most dedicated talented individuals I have ever worked with. The majority of AmeriCorps volunteers, however, move on to graduate school, law school and other service positions, continuing to serve their communities.

We benefit from their service and once their year is done, they are advocates in the community for conflict resolution. Everyone wins from this partnership. So I thank our AmeriCorps volunteers, past and present. It is hard to see you leave but know that your contributions to the Community Mediation Center are so appreciated. You truly have made a difference in our lives and our community..

-Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

2008-08-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

New Steps

I have always been taught to see my life as consecutive steps that lead to some magical destiny that I haven’t quite figured out yet. From going to elementary school through high school and being on honor roll every year which ultimately leads to college scholarships and awards. Then finding that special someone which leads to an engagement, marriage, buying a house, cars, and children (haven’t gotten there yet). Ultimately all the decisions and experiences one has in life lead to independence from family and in the words of my mother "officially becoming an adult and leading a life worth remembering".

I just started with the CMC about a month ago now after finishing my undergraduate degree. I have met a lot of diverse, and in the words of some mediators, “different kinds of people”. I have also learned what makes people diverse and different and how our differences and skills, make for a wonderful learning experience. It is for this reason that I hope that my experience here at the CMC will be a great step in my stairway to that “magical destiny”.

-Chaniece Winfield

2008-08-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Family Mediation

I am certified to mediate general and family cases, but for some reason prefer to work with families which is a good thing, because I am using all my mediation skills right now to help my own family through a crisis.

My mother is dealing with some major health issues and is now in a rehabilitation center receiving treatment until she is strong enough to return home. She is not happy about it and now is in the denial (I want to go home!) and anger (It's all your fault!) stages. I just let the anger and angry things she says wash over me without responding to them. It's like I'm listening to one client venting at another client in mediation, knowing eventually we'll get down to some story telling and generating options. I can detatch during those moments and give her permission to be angry, knowing it's not really about me.

All of the siblings are under stress and my brother and sister know all of each other's hot buttons. There are long standing issues that probably will never be fully settled. The emergency room and hospital are not places to be visiting those issues (handling money, who got what for their birthday and a host of other annoyances). Now I find my self being neutral, reframing and asking open ended questions. This is not a time to judge either of them as at fault. From time to time I actually do some caucasing, speaking to each of them individually.

The latest issue of contention has been about visiting mom. ("I work!" "I work, too, and I've already missed some shifts!") Finally, I was able to help them agree to go whenever they could, and not argue about who was there the most or least.

Hopefully, we will all get through this and my mom will be home with her cat, which she also misses.

Mediation can be rewarding, especially when I can help clients resolve their differences. Mediation skills can be used outside of mediations; in this case, they are survival skills which I can employ to help everyone cooperate and work together to achieve our goal---help mom recover.

Chuck Hardwick

2008-08-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

‘God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much.’

Before I started at the Community Mediation Center I used to think I was a good listener. When a friend had a problem or a co-worker was dealing with a difficult issue I was always on hand to listen and offer my opinion. But recently I’ve come to realize I’m not really a good listener. I do a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening.

So now you may be wondering, “What’s the difference between hearing and listening?” Well, we hear a dog barking, we hear the buzz of a summer cicada, and we hear the next-door neighbor’s lawnmower. But listening requires both hearing and processing what we hear.

Often times when we are “listening” to our friend/co-worker/spouse talk about their troubles we are thinking of a solution to offer them. Or we are thinking ahead of what the person is saying – rehearsing what you are going to say, or rewinding in your head what you’ve already said and wishing you had said it differently. And in today’s hectic world, we are distracted by the appointments we have to keep, the errands we have to run, and the bills that have to be paid. All of these situations keep us from listening effectively.

Just think of everything you could be missing because you were only hearing what that other person had to say and not listening to them.

-Diane Arnold

2008-08-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

On the road...

My family and I were vacationing in the Washington, DC area last week. Our hotel had families and business people from around the world.

I knew I had to write this blog when I returned to work this week and was thinking about what to write while riding in our hotel’s elevator. As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and a family got on with a very excited and fast-moving toddler who was ready to explore this new world.

The back of the elevator’s doors were mirrors and while all stood together watching the floor numbers flash by, the little girl looked in the mirror doors and saw us in the reflection. We smiled at her and she giggled and wiggled.

Then, it happened. She turned her head slightly and saw us AND our reflections. A light went on for her – and her eyes lit up in recognition that the reflection and the people were one in the same. She let out a gleeful chortle and her eyes met mine and seemed to say to me, “I got it! I’ve learned something new! Wow!”

The elevator doors opened on her floor and she took off down the hall, her family in hot pursuit.

As the elevator doors closed, my family and I looked at each other in wonderment with what we had just witnessed – that precious moment of awareness and understanding of the world around us.

I have had this experience before in mediation when people in conflict suddenly gain a new realization and awareness of the conflict situation and work towards a peaceful resolution.

This opportunity, or “ah-ha” moment usually sneaks up on them, just like it did for this little girl. All it takes, sometimes, is a “tilt of the head” to see the conflict situation and the world in a new way. It also takes being open to the opportunity.

So take a step back or to the side and look at life in a different way. May you experience illumination and the pure joy that this new awareness brings.

-Karen Richards

2008-07-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

From what I’ve noticed, mediators aren’t really a dime a dozen brand. Nor are their individual styles remotely similar to each other. Well, at least that could be the case from the majority of mediations I have been through. What I have seen, through observation and co-mediation, is that no two mediators are alike. Each mediator develops their style for what fits them best. Nevertheless, many teeter on the edge of lawyering, arbitrating and counseling.

A few weeks ago, I posed a question to one of my colleagues. Why is it that we cannot give legal advice and yet nothing is said about counseling our clients, save the fact that in the agreement to mediate, it states that mediation is not counseling? Furthermore, which style is more conducive to therapy? A directive approach or a facilitative one?

Observing one mediator, I was struck at how his more directive approach, in my opinion, imitated therapy more than the facilitative approach that I have adopted and which is used at the CMC. If we are to be directive, opinionated and suggestive in our mediation, doesn’t that lend itself to therapy? After all, a therapist gives their opinion for your behavior. As mediators, the line to walk between making the session therapeutic and facilitative is a fine one. But that line is even more fine when a directive approach is used.

In all, mediators must find the characteristics they wish to emulate to successfully operate a session. I have found that the best mediators have two things in common. They are succinct and they are distant. Succinct in their ability to rephrase and paraphrase language into clearly understood, often layman sentiment that construes the very interest of the client, yet can also save face.

They are distant, in that when they are in the mediation room, they are no more than an observer. And when they leave the mediation room, the clients and the case stay behind.

This is the role I have observed to be the most effective in mediation. Staying close without being involved. Being on top of the situation without being all over the situation. It is the client’s process and their time. It is their conversation.

Many people may feel that the facilitative approach is costly in terms of time and energy. But I have found just the opposite to be true. If done properly, facilitative mediation allows clients the essential story-telling that is needed to get beyond positions and to the root of the dispute. It is more efficient in that after this phase, however lengthy it may be concludes, the clients can move on to business.

I also find that it is less like therapy in practice while being more therapeutic in effect. By staying objective, distant, and succinct and by simply “listening and repeating” the mediation takes on a life of its own. The clients feel heard and validated. And the process moves on, without alteration or pretentious ad-lib.

-Jason Clevenger

2008-06-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

It was never my goal to be a mediator.

Before I came to the Center, I wasn't aware of mediation and how it worked. Many years ago, when I was going through my separation process, a friend who also was going through it, chose to mediate. And yes, I asked, "Mediation? What's that?" The idea was so new it made the local news when they tried it. They used mediation to resolve some of the more emotional issues, like who got the house and kids. Once they resolved those issues, they were able to work on a lot of details, hire one lawyer and file the paperwork.

My friend said it was a good alternative to the traditional lawyer fight and suggested we try it.

I asked my wife about using mediation for us. She thought about it for a couple of days and then replied, "I'm afraid the mediator will take your side. I'm getting a lawyer." And so we did it the expensive way.

There was so much we did not know about this process called mediation. She wanted an advocate, someone who would fight for her. So here I am, 20 years later, mediating couples who have separated, resolving issues of custody, visitation, support and dividing up the property and debts among people who once loved one another. I wonder if my ex- knows what I do here? I haven't told her because we've talked only once in 20 years. Life is full of little ironies.

Chuck Hardwick

2008-06-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the privilege of teaching a class for people who are interested in becoming mediators in Virginia. I love teaching because it gives me the chance to confirm what I know. I mean, there’s no better way to solidify information for yourself than to try and explain it to someone else!

Plus, in each workshop there is a dialogue about mediation that feels so fresh. It is invigorating to hear new mediators process through ethical issues, practical challenges, stylistic differences and so much more. It never fails – that at least one person in the class will ask a question that I’ve never thought of… and I love it!

I wish the best of luck to the mediators in training that just finished. For you mediators that have been in the game for a while… I hope you’re as luck as me to have the chance to ride the coat-tails of their enthusiasm!

-Amanda Burbage

2008-06-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have been working as an intern for the Community Mediation Center for just over a month now. So far, it has been quite a pleasurable experience to be working with such a fine group of people. My coworkers are very friendly, and I am truly excited about my job. I am especially eager to be getting involved with the Summer Youth Program.

Although I have gained knowledge about the mediation process by taking a mediation course at James Madison University, (Go Dukes!!!), this internship has taught me a plethora of skills that could never be learned in a classroom.

By setting up appointments with clients I have definitely learned the art of patience. It never really occurred to me how much hard work was required to arrange schedules that would be suitable for all the parties. Perseverance was also a lesson that was learned from the appointment making process, because very rarely were all parties able to meet at the same time.

In terms of my overall involvement with the Summer Youth Program, I have gained a better understanding of strategic planning; mainly because I have helped in choosing the new material that will be put in the program manuals. I have also learned how to plan group activities as well. The process of brainstorming ideas for these activities has also helped my creativity, because I am forced to think outside the box.

Most of all, however, I believe that the most important thing I have learned from the internship at the Community Mediation Center is how to resolve conflicts more quickly and effectively. Although I have not yet observed a mediation session, this skill has been improved during the course of my internship because I have listened to how my coworkers handle communicating with their clients on the telephone. They always seem to ask very key questions to their clients in order to quickly and effectively resolve the conflict.

I am sure that there will be a wide variety of other skills that will be taught to me during the rest of my time as an intern for the Community Mediation Center, but I just feel blessed to be a part of such a great organization.

-Denver Sicay

2008-06-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

Remembering Ken Ferebee

A celebration of the life of Ken Ferebee will be hosted by his family from 4 to 6:30 p.m., Sunday June 8 in Virginia Beach. The address for this very casual event is 5707Oceanfront Avenue. As part of the event, Ken's ashes will be scattered on the beach. I'll be there.

Ken was a volunteer mediator for the Center from 2002 until his death in January 20. His work contributed to the growth of the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program from less that 50 cases a year to over 300 per year. He also was a mentor and contributed to the certification of many new mediators.

Although Ken and I neither worked nor trained together, his death greatly upset me. We did not socialize outside the Center, except for an occasional manly-man lunch. He mediated mostly in court, while I mediated mostly at the Center. Then I began to think about the things we had in common. We were both fathers. We were both divorced. We were both sucked into the military during the Vietnam War. Neither of us saw combat. Although I was a few years older than Ken, we shared the same musical memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television programs and the summers before air conditioning. He had a great sense of humor, laced with sarcasm and wit. His one-liners and zingers were so creative, I laughed even when I was zinged. And he was a great curser, especially when working with a balky printer.

Although we were just work colleagues, I still remember the details of our conversations, the dapper way he dressed, the grey in his hair and beard and that wonderful radio voice, booming obscenities at malfunctioning equipment. From time to time, I meet a mediator Ken helped train and the mediator always talks about how organized and thorough Ken was in his work. The mediator world is still touched by him. And I miss him.

So long, Ken.

Chuck Hardwick

2008-06-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

There was a thunderstorm in Prague, Czech Republic, on Sunday. No, I didn’t get this information from the Weather Channel or online. I heard it through the telephone. My son is studying abroad this summer in the Czech Republic and we were talking on the phone when the storm came up. A loud crash of thunder rolled through the airwaves and then, I heard it. Big, fat raindrops plinking on the window and the roof – in Prague, more than 4,300 miles from Virginia Beach! It was as if I was standing right there. So cool! Technology is amazing.

But what is even more amazing to me was that I was able to talk to him, hear his voice. While technology has opened up so many forms of electronic communication –“texting”, email, facebook, chat groups – nothing, for me, takes the place of talking to a person directly. We can hear a smile in their voice, sadness, excitement, or fear. And when we can’t hear a voice, such as with written and/or e-communications – we humans tend to put a “voice” in our heads to the words we read and that “voice” might be leading us to a misunderstanding and conflict.

People-to-people, human-to-human communications are so important and rare in our “online” society. But people crave this kind of communication; this human contact.

So don’t always rely on electronic communications. Pick up the phone and talk to someone. You might hear a rainstorm half way round the world.

-Karen Richards

2008-05-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Breaking Down the Walls in a Juvenile Detention Center with a Writing Workshop

The teens in orange jump suits glare at me as I enter the unit of the lock-down juvenile detention facility. The girls wear their hair pulled back with rubber bands. I cringe when I see the rubber bands. They are the same type of rubber bands that I wrap around the pages of my novel in progress and they are in the girl's hair. Personal hygiene and generic toiletries sit on the window ledge. The unit smells like cleaning antiseptic and laundry detergent. I chew hard on my gum and try not to inhale too deeply.

Twelve pairs of eyes glare at me.

Distrustful.

Angry.

Hostile.

The girl's dare me.

"You can't work with me.

I am bad.

I am a criminal."

I pull out my collection of poetry books.

The routine is the same every Monday when I arrive to facilitate the poetry workshop.

The girls are released from their cells as I enter the unit. They sit in black plastic seats at the tables that weigh a hundred pounds each so no one can pick them up and throw them.

I quickly go through the three rules. "Write from the heart," I say. "Write honestly. No sex. No violence. And no profanity."

I try to ignore the glares coming at me. I know the magic that will happen in the next hour, and how the glares will turn to tears and smiles. But, even so, it's never comfortable in the first ten minutes as twelve teenage girls glare at me.

I begin by sharing with the girls two poetry collections written by youth previously at the detention center. The poetry has been selected from the workshop and then published by the Miller Trust Art Exhibit Program in small books which are distributed to the community and the youth at the detention center.

I read:

In the eyes of my Mother,

I am a failure.

I am a juvenile punk

In the eyes of my Mother

I am a low-life punk.

I am not the son she knew.

I want to change

In the eyes of my Mother.

By the time the girls hear two or three poems, most of them are no longer glaring, and they are ready to write their experiences. However, there is always one girl who continues to resist. "I don't write poetry," she says.

"It doesn't have to rhyme. Just write from the heart. Write your experience." I say.

"I don't spell good,"

"Don't worry about the spelling. Just get the heart out there on paper. Your experience."

"I'm not a writer."

I listen to the girl's resistant words, and I hear what this locked up teen's heart is saying.

"I don't have anything to say."

"I'm not worth anything."

"Don't care about me."

"It's too risky to put myself on paper."

"I will not be vulnerable."

"You can do it." I encourage her.

After a few minutes, I look up and see her pencil moving across her paper.

The girls write and it is silent except for the occasional, "What rhymes with?" or "How do you spell?"

At the end of the hour, it's time for sharing the poems.

Some turn red as they read, others joke and laugh before reading, others tell us how bad their poetry is before reading stunning words of pain and loss.

Then, it is time for the girl who didn't want to write

"It's not very good," she says.

I wait.

"Do I have to?"

I nod.

The girl clears her throat. She shifts. And then she reads,

I am from nothing.

A hole in the wall.

An unnoticed fly on the ceiling.

I am from nothing

But I will not BE nothing.

My breath catches.

The magic of the writing workshop has taken hold. The pain is in the poem. The glare is gone.

When she is done, the girl asks me, "You coming back next week?"

"I'll be here," I say.

"So will I," she says. "I got thirty days."

Mindy Hardwick is a writer who runs a volunteer poetry workshop at Denney Juvenile Justice Center in Everett, Washington. She is the daughter of Chuck Hardwick, a mediator with Community Mediation Center. You can learn more about Mindy at her blog www.mindyhardwick.wordpress.com

2008-05-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

Youth Savor New Found Secret

They just seem to open up. Whenever a teenager gets involved in peer mediation, this is what occurs. Remarkably, the troubles that many of them face (or have faced) gain new light. Perspective graces their newly acquired intellect. They think, “if I knew how to do this back then”. They are learning something, that few do and they wholeheartedly accept the privilege.

What they learn is to resolve conflict, peacefully. Among each other and in themselves. This method, this technique, this secret, is for them only. Or at least, that is what they take from it. They understand its benefits and take pride in their new found knowledge. Suddenly, they are in a leadership role, with the opportunity to create real change in people’s lives. They relish it.

To them it is a mixture of coordinating linguistic balance, strategy, emotion and attitude. A modern day Rubix Cube. They take on the role of attorney, guidance counselor and friend. They wear many hats. Mediation, to them, is like a riddle or a puzzle. Solve it and you have a better way of dealing with things. You’ve changed someone. You’ve made a difference. Peer mediators tackle these difficult problems with the sort of youthful enthusiasm that only a high-schooler has.

Having observed dozens of students become certified in peer mediation, it is apparent their willingness to inspire a change in the system. They know, better than anyone else, the dull effects of in-school suspension, or the hostility that lurks in their school’s hallways. They know better than anyone that racism, sexism and more “isms” cause all sorts of misunderstandings within their school’s walls. They understand that gangs are in fact, very real and not just something in D.C. or Los Angeles.

They live with these difficulties everyday, they understand well why some students lash out and others do not. They know about the attitudes, the lifestyles and all the other behind-the-scene details that have brought their peers to a point where conflict is the final outcome. They come to our trainings thinking that they can change all this and it is inspiring.

More than anyone, they understand that there is a need for something more. They see it all and they live it everyday. Something to prevent, react and intervene. To them, this is the power of peer mediation. It is the solution they’ve been waiting for.

-Jason Clevenger

2008-05-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Mediation skills come in handy in so many situations. Recently my Nana died and family came from far and wide to be with her in her final days and more family and friends came for the funeral and more after that. You would assume this would be a time of family supporting family and everyone pitching in to help. Well as it turns out, stress and grief cause emotions and reactions to run high. There was a lot of gossiping and talking behind people’s backs. There was arguing about what was best for Nana. Everyone thought they were an expert and were going to make sure that what they thought should happen happened. As it turned out Nana’s four daughters needed a mediator! I found myself running back and forth between the four of them trying to clarify their positions and restate that position to the others. Everyone’s underlying interest was the same…what was best for Nana.

Well Nana died peacefully at the end of March and then the real drama began…who got what! People were sneaking around taking this and that, trying not to cause a conflict but wanting to hold on to a little piece of Nana. No one really got upset about what anyone else wanted to have except when one of my aunt’s asked where Nana’s wedding rings were. One sneaky family member had quietly taken them and only a few people knew but no one was talking. We will really need a mediator if the aunt finds out where they really are. I’m just glad nobody looked for Nana’s special ice cream scoop…because it’s in my kitchen drawer!

-Sara Foote

2008-05-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

There was a song of my youth that included the line, “Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 65?” Okay, so the age was 64 in this song. But hey, I’m officially old and I’m a writer so I can make up stuff. When I was younger and heard songs about love and aging, I thought I would never be that old.

So here I am at 65. Who’d of thunk it? This year I enter the federal maze known as Medicare. Next year, I start drawing Social Security. Maybe I’ll be able to afford a car with a working air conditioner. I’ll still work, cuz I can’t imagine myself just sitting around, doing nothing.

I’ve been roaming this planet for six and a half decades now, and I wonder where the time has gone. I’m relatively healthy. And I feel as good as my hip allows. But I get all the senior discounts at stores without being carded, so I must look like a senior. Funny, it feels more like middle age to me. I come from genetic stock that includes a long life, so I figure I have a couple more good decades left.

It’s a time of reflection for me; about the wonderful times and the awful times, about the good and bad decisions I have made in my life, about the people in my life who are no longer here and about where I am now and the direction I will go in the near future.

In the 60s, when I was in my 20s, I finished my education, was drafted into the military and got married. A lot of changes went on in that decade and ended with my wife carrying our first child.

In my 30s, I started a family and added a second child, bought my first house and built my career as a journalist.

The 80s brought tumultuous changes. We had a third child and I stayed home with her as a Mr. Mom, long before the movie. I had an opportunity to work for myself, and took it, making more money than working for other people. It was the decade of my divorce, and, in my 40s, of falling in love again.

The 90s began tragically with the death of my girlfriend’s child. His dying process ended our relationship and not only broke my heart, but also my spirit. So I returned to my mother’s house in Norfolk, a quivering emotional mess. I thought I would need about six months of walking the beach and sorting out my emotions, then return to the Midwest. That was 15 years ago.

In my 50s, I worked restaurants and learned it was hard work, but I was enjoying life again. That career ended when my hip fell off and for a year after the surgery, I did not work. The Senior Services job program placed me at something called the Dispute Settlement Center. One of the first questions I asked was, “Mediation? What’s that?” And look at me now. As a mediator and a parent educator, I offer help to those going through a painful period of their lives.

Today, when I stand before the Saturday morning parenting class I see the pain, anger and frustration in the faces of these parents. When they ask if things will get better, my answer is “Been there. Done that. Trust me, you will recover, but it will take time and hard work.” Many probably don’t believe me, but if they let go of the past, the future will get better.

Those classes have brought me some wonderful moments, and some sad ones. One year, a participant sent me a Christmas card, noting that she had a lot of fun in the parenting class. You’re not supposed to have fun in the parenting class, but I try to make it as informal as possible and use humor to illustrate certain points. I will never forget the pain expressed on a young parent’s face. He was ordered into the class after filing a motion to amend his child support because his son had died. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to. His expression and body language said it all.

I prefer mediating Family cases to ones involving General District Court. The Family cases can be a lot more emotionally complex and at times I want to tell the parents that this is not about them; it’s about their children. I also understand the upheaval they and their children are experiencing and I know it is a very difficult time for everyone, but especially the children. As a mediator, I am neutral, but I can still be an advocate for children by nudging the discussion toward what’s best for them.

So my life experiences come into play in subtle ways. I don’t always realize it until later, when I’m reflecting on a case or a parenting class or even remembering some event in my past and relating it to what I’m doing now.

Nearly six years ago, I did not know what mediation was. And now I am a mediator. Life takes odd twists.

-Chuck Hardwick

2008-04-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said, “mediation – what’s that?” If I did have those dollars, I could afford a TV spot during the superbowl, and then everyone would know!

The funny thing is that after I explain mediation (as a process where people work through disagreement towards joint resolution with the help of a neutral facilitator) the reaction is usually one of “oh yeah”. I don’t think they say “oh yeah” as if they just forgot the meaning of the word. It sounds more like an “aha” disguised as an “oh yeah”. In other words, after I explain mediation, it makes so much sense to them it’s as if they finally heard the word that describes something they intuitively already knew. Mediation is the type of dispute resolution process that people want; it’s what they strive for even before they seek out third party assistance.

Mediation makes sense – to the mind and to the heart. So, even though I still wish I had those dollars, I’m very happy to help people discover a dispute resolution process that strikes a chord.

-Amanda Burbage

2008-04-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

Just like laughter has no calories, Mediation has no judge. Not to say that judges are bad individuals, but some of them tend to make decisions that are not in the best interest of the people involved, especially when it comes to families. I have been helping out with the Co-Parenting class here at the center for a few months now, and a little while back a parent said something that I will never forget.

She was in the process of reviewing a visitation agreement because her daughter is getting older. We all know that as we grow older more things change in our daily lifestyle and routines. The daughter had the typical child custody arrangements: Monday-Thursday with mom, and Friday-Sunday every other weekend with dad.

Well, the child asked her mom to update their agreement because the dad wasn’t willing to bend on the arrangement to allow for the daughter’s extracurricular activities. The child made a valid point when she told her parents that, “I am not a piece of furniture that you can just pick up and move whenever you want.”

That statement is why I believe judges do not always make the best decisions when it comes to families because they don’t intimately know the family or child involved in the case. They only know them on paper and as a docket number, which is why mediation is so important when it comes to resolving family disputes. Often, judges must make decisions quickly with a limited amount of information. Consequently, significant non-legal factors may not be considered in the judgment, like extracurricular activities. In mediation, the parties collaborate in reaching an agreement that satisfies everyone’s needs and concerns.

Mediation allows everyone’s voice to be heard. I am sure if the family in this particular case sat down together in mediation, the father would be able to see that it is not about him or the mother, but about what is in the best interest of the child.

-Veronica Hill

2008-03-26T06:50:00.001-07:00

Well, it has been one year since I started at the CMC and what a year! There are so many amazing things that happen at the center that unless you are here every day, you might not see. Did you know that the CMC does conflict management presentations for all types of organizations and groups for free? This past year, the CMC has talked to professional organizations, civic groups, schools, neighborhood leagues and even university resident Assistants.

Did you know that the CMC works with youth in gangs helping them to transition out of this lifestyle? The CMC even works with these same youth and their parents to restore peace within the family unit.

Did you know that no one is ever turned away from mediation because of their inability to pay? The CMC offers pricing affordable to everyone. The CMC believes in the power of mediation and knows that everyone can benefit from the process.

How about the Peer Mediation Programs in schools? Did you know the CMC has trained 3 local high schools in peer mediation and that one school, Granby, has nearly 7 times the amount of referrals than any in the state? The students state that they are extremely satisfied with the process and are actually self referring when they have issues.

Did you know that the CMC served 1,466 parents and 893 children through family mediation services and parenting training last year alone; helped 1,081 citizens come to a resolution of their conflicts; trained 179 parents in how to keep their children out of adult conflict; trained 574 at-risk youth in violence prevention skills and trained 1,325 adults in community workshop on conflict resolution. The Center served 2,856 people who were at or below 125% of the poverty level and considered indigent. An additional 1,531 low-income family members or individuals were served who were at or below 200% of the poverty level.
It is amazing all the wonderful services the CMC provides with such a small staff. The difference is that although the staff size is small, their passion and dedication to community service and to helping their community resolve conflict is enormous.

I cannot wait to learn more as I know that what we do truly makes a difference in our community. If you want to learn more, call us at 757-480-2777

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

2008-03-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Farewell to a Friend

It is with a heavy heart that Community Mediation Center of Southeastern Virginia (CMC) announces the sudden passing in January of good friend, mediator and mentor Ken Ferebee.

In 2002 Ken was searching for an organization that could use his experience working with media sales and a local victim-witness offender program. Thankfully, he found us! Because of Ken's efforts, the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program grew from its infancy with less than 50 GDC cases a year to over 300 per year regularly offering on-site mediation services in almost all local courts. After two years of volunteering at court, Ken became an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer with the CMC and served for an additional 3 years. In addition to working at local courts Ken was an excellent advocate for mediation, consistently working with clerks, judges and other court professionals encouraging the referral of mediation cases. Ken was personally responsible for mentoring many of the mediators in southeastern Virginia.

Ken had a remarkable way with community members, helping them understand the benefits of mediation and getting them comfortable with the process. Not only did he communicate well in mediation, he also was great at communicating with crowds! It has been said that Ken did the best "try mediation" speech, helped by his smooth Virginia Beach native style and calming tone.

Ken was honored by the CMC in 2004 with a Peacemaker award for his self-motivated spirit. Ken was a veteran, serving in the US Coast Guard during the Vietnam War. He also was a devoted father and grandfather.

Ken was remarkably talented and responsible for designing CMC's creative logo - the dove/hand and heart - as well creating many of the mediation brochures and flyers the CMC has used during the past 6 years. He put his graphic design talents to work again by creating posters for each of the local general district courts, encouraging readers to try mediation.

Ken will truly be missed, not only for his efforts training mediators and organizing cases, but also for his experience, encouragement, great sense of humor and caring spirit around the office. As fellow CMC staff member, Chuck Hardwick recalls, "we shared the same memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television commercials and the summers before air-conditioning. Ken had a great sense of humor, laced with wit. His melodious radio voice will never be forgotten."

Please come join the CMC as we celebrate Ken's life and service to the mediation community on Thursday, March 20th. From 5:00pm to 6:00pm, share your personal stories about Ken. From 6:00pm to 7:30pm the CMC is hosting an Open House for the community as part of March is Mediation Month. Plan to stay and participate in CMC's version of March Madness.

If you have personal memories of Ken you wold like to share with CMC, please share it our blog. If you wold like to make a donation in Ken's memory, please do so online or mail to Attn: Finding Common Ground Endowment Fund, 586 Virginian Drive, Norfolk VA 23505.

Sincerely,

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director
757-480-2777

2008-02-28T08:14:00.001-08:00

Motherhood and Mediation

As mediators, we acquire most of our training through classroom training, observations, co-mediations and hands on application. If we look hard enough, we would see that the opportunity to utilize theses skills surrounds us at every turn. Little did I realize that many of my mediation skills would be put to the test during my first six weeks of motherhood.

Maternity leave is often the opportunity to learn basic caretaking techniques. My experience went beyond dirty diapers and burp clothes, and transcended into the professional realm. I worked on becoming a better mother and mediator.

Our clients are not that different from infants at times. We’ve all had that client who whined constantly, cried inconsolably; some may have even kept you up at night. How did you deal with this situation? Did you find the right words to help facilitate peaceful resolution of conflict? Did you exhibit patience during this session or were you about to pull your hair out?

It took me six weeks of active listening with my son to figure out what he was trying to say to me. It can be a challenge to distinguish the “poopie” or “hunger” cry from the “sleepy,” “cranky,” or “I just want to be held” cry. Our clients speak their own language and it is up to us to decipher what their positions and interests are so we can better assess their needs. As we all know, rarely do people ever come out directly and tell us what they are thinking or feeling. It is up to us to treat this as a jigsaw puzzle and fill in the missing pieces. This is where patience and active listening become so critical in mediation.

After dismissing my son’s crying as a normal right of passage for me to transcend into motherhood, I realized that he really was trying to communicate to me. I just wasn’t listening. Every cry was for a reason. If it were not for his fussiness I would not feed him, change him, or soothe him. It was up to me to take a step back, take a breath, and truly listen with both ears to meet his needs. I am sure this same technique would work to meet our clients needs. Patience and active listening will not only make me a better mother, but also a better mediator. What can you do differently in your next mediation session?

2008-01-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

To avoid or not to avoid...
Have you ever called someone when you knew they wouldn’t be home just so you could leave them a voicemail instead of actually having to speak to them? How about sending an e-mail or a text message instead of picking up the phone? People who do this type of thing, me included, are conflict avoiders. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being an avoider of conflict. It doesn’t mean that you let people step all over you it just means that if you can avoid conflict you do.

However, sometimes you avoid conflict for so long that it affects you negatively. For instance, I have been avoiding having a conversation with a family member of mine for months. It is costing me a lot financially because I don’t want to have this conversation.

What’s the worst that could happen if you face a potential conflict head on? Oh my gosh…it could actually get resolved in a way that is mutually acceptable to both parties involved! So let’s pick up that phone when we know they are home and give them call instead of a text. Let’s just face things head on in this new year and remember the ancient proverb: Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

- Sara Foote

2008-01-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

Dating and the Mediator - Part 3

Sometimes I hate being a mediator. Sometimes I don’t want to make that commitment to being a good listener and communicator. A recent incident that demonstrates this desire is a 5 day discussion I had with my boyfriend over the number of glasses that we were going to have in our kitchen cupboard. He had 24 and then became insistent on 18. I had paired them down to 14 – I figured that was 2 a day for a week – it made sense to me. Oh no, that was crazy talk. How could one person be expected to use only TWO glasses a day? My answer was if someone used more than 14 glasses a week than they just needed to learn to do dishes more (I am currently only there on the weekend, all of this is in preparation for my gradual move in).

I noticed both of digging into our positions, so I asked a good open-ended question to try to expose his interests, “Help me understand why it is important for you to have so many glasses.” Well, he gave me stupid answers like, “I drink more than one type of beverage a day and you can’t mix milk and juice.” To which I responded, “So just rinse out the glass and its like you never put the milk in there.” To which he responded, “Ew! You can’t do that, the glass is contaminated!” So again, I asked, help me understand how that is different than what happens in the dishwasher. Soap, my friends, soap, also the glass may not be contaminated but the beverage is definitely watered down by the droplets of water left on the glass and furthermore, it is just too much work to dry the glass. When asked if his drink has ever tasted watered down he responded, “That is not the point, I know the water is in there.” Of course my reasoning was just, “Look, 18 glasses is excessive.”

He finally got me with the symmetry interest – that 18 glasses would be three rows of six, half a cabinet and symmetrical. Finally! An interest we both share! Its organized and pleasing to the eye, a bridge was being built. I wanted to put in one last bid to see if I could win and offered 15 glasses as a way to meet his symmetry argument – that would be 3 rows of 5. No. It had to be 18. I was just about ready to give in and let him have the 18 until he said, “I am putting my foot down about the 18 glasses.” Oh really? Foot down? I thought to myself well, he has drawn his line in the sand, I can continue to collaborate and try to come to a win-win or I can draw my line. I drew my line. I actually was about to give in until the foot came down. At this point the conflict was no longer about what the right amount glasses was appropriate for our storage capacity, but about who was right and who was wrong. This was no longer a problem solving session – it was a competition.

So our conflict was escalated by us each focusing on positions rather than interests and also by both parties not wanting to move much. Also, our positions were fueled a lot by our different world views. We see this in mediation all the time. Sometimes someone has to give up a lot or completely in order to see a conflict resolved. I had to either outwait the king of stubbornness or let him have what he wanted. This is where I had to look outside the walls of my conflict to evaluate what was really important to me. Was it important to me to win and be “right”? What did I really gain? What did I lose? I had to look at these aspects and decide what I really valued was not having hour long discussions on a daily basis about 18 stupid glasses, or really it was 3 glasses since I was willing to allow 15. I needed to look at the big picture. A lot of times this is what clients in mediation need. They get tunnel vision and can only see one aspect of their problem. There is usually a whole other world outside of that one little bit. I realized this with the glasses and I gave in. He has his three rows of six. They are after all, just glasses.

Mandy Stallings

2008-01-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

Perception is Reality

“Perception is reality.” I heard this phrase at a meeting recently and have come to understand that this “perception” is “reality” and is at the root of most conflicts.

Think about it. Someone sends you an email and you sense or “perceive” that the sender is upset, angry or distressed with you. What’s going on internally for you at that moment? For many people that “perception” becomes the reality: they know the sender is upset or angry with them. They then react based on that “reality”. Meanwhile, the email sender has their own “reality” which often is different from the receiver’s perception. So when they receive the response from the other person they are baffled and they create a new perception which becomes their reality.

Email isn’t the only culprit – phone calls, conversations – direct and overheard, comments, written communications – all these forms of communication fall prey to this simple “reality”.

So what do we do about this? The key seems to be to remember this simple principle and, before “reacting”, take a step back and consider: “Is my perception truly the reality of the situation?” Then, communicate openly with the other person to get clear on what that person meant by that communication. It could be your perception was correct. On the other hand, you might find you were way off base and, simply by “checking in” with the person were able to avoid a tense conflict situation.

Karen Richards

2007-12-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

Chasing the Sunset

It was dusk and I was driving west on I-64 last week. The pink light of sunset was waning in the west. If I could just drive faster, maybe I could catch it – overtake the sunset. But the closer I “got” the faster the light waned and eluded me.

Finding a resolution to a conflict can seem just as elusive as chasing a sunset. People often hold on to their “position” – what they want or think they want – for so long that they end up getting nothing. They end up chasing the sunset. The more they “drive” their position, the more fleeting the resolution becomes.

Mediation helps people to focus on their interests rather than their positions. Interests are the reasons behind the position – the “why”. When people can let go of their position and concentrate on their interest, a resolution to the conflict can become a reality.

Karen Richards

2007-12-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Mediation.
It's everywhere we want it to be.

Sometimes we forget we are mediators, especially in dealing with other family members. But the techniques we use in mediation also work to difuse a conflict in our personal lives.

Recently, my son drove from Oregon, with his two cats, to pick up some items I had been holding in storage. (Was it really more than two years ago that I put him and his cats on the midnight flight to Argentina? It was a scene straight out of the movie "Casablanca" except I didn't shoot a German officer.) He was on a tight schedule and planned to be here for about 24 hours. Like his dad, he is very organized and inventoried his storage boxes and what was in them.

He was particularly anxious to retrieve some disks which he uses to program music and other activities in his computer. He found the box, but no program disks. He became increasingly agitated as he searched our "computer room" for the disks. The disks were expensive, he said, and were the prime reason he drove across country to retrieve them. He had just wasted two weeks and said some other things about my lack of responsibility.

I could tell he was angry, and suddenly, without realizing it, I went into mediation mode. I affirmed his anger and frustration, without rebuttal, and assured him that if they were in the room, I would find them and send them to him. I allowed him to vent without expanding the discussion into other areas of our relationship. In a few moments, he was calm again and seemed to accept he did not have his disks. We went outside, where I said hello to his cats, sitting in crates on the front seat beside him. We parted on friendly terms.

Five days later, he called. He had a safe and uneventful trip to the west coast. "Oh by the way," he said. "I found the disks in another box." We laughed, and I said nothing about his anger. Now he is setting up another sound studio, happily using his disks. Mediation. It's everywhere we want it to be.

Chuck Hardwick

2007-11-30T09:39:00.001-08:00

It is with a heavy heart that we announce the retirement of Ken Ferebee. Not even Superman himself could organize so many mentees for court, mediate with such grace and deal with some of our most difficult clients. Yet, somehow, Ken has done this - and so much more at CMC.

In 2002 Ken was searching for an organization that could use his experience working with media sales and a victim-offender program. Luckily, he found us! Because of Ken's efforts the General District Court mediation program grew from its infancy with less than 50 GDC cases a year, and now we are mediating over 300 per year, and regularly offering on-site mediation services in 2 local courts. After two years of volunteering at court, Ken became an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and served for an additional 3 years. In this role he was able to receive a small stipend to continue his fabulous court work. In addition to working at local courts Ken is an excellent advocate for mediation, consistently working with clerks, judges and other court professionals encouraging the referral of mediation cases.

Ken has an excellent way with community members, helping them understand the benefits of mediation and getting them into the process. Not only does he communicate in mediation, he also is great at communicating with crowds! It has been said that Ken does the best “try mediation” speech, and that he is helped by his smooth Virginia Beach native style and calming tone. Plus, Ken is responsible for designing CMC’s famous logo – the dove/hand and heart. He put his graphic design talents to work again by creating posters for each of the local general district courts, encouraging readers to try mediation.

Ken will truly be missed, not only for his efforts training mediators and organizing cases, but also for his experience, encouragement, and caring spirit around the office.

2007-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Children of Divorce

I often ask myself why I teach the Saturday morning Co-Parenting class. Not being a morning person, it is difficult for me to get up at 6:30 a.m. I'm not very comfortable talking in front of groups. Yet here I am, on a Saturday morning, waiting for the parents to arrive and wondering if I am going to do a good job for them. Then I remembered a phone call from a young man I have known for years.

He began talking about his growing up time. "It seems everything was normal and we were a happy family," he said. "Then there was a lot of arguing and yelling. It was a very stressful situation and it was not pleasant. I did not know why my parents fought, but it went on for years." He talked about his parents' separations. His father was gone, then home, then gone, then home and finally out of the house for good. And in between, there was tension and arguments that drew him and his siblings into the fight. "No one told us what was going on," he continued. "I just remember there was a lot of anger."

We talked for a few minutes and when the conversation was finished, I told him the same thing I always tell him at the end of our phone calls. "I love you, Thom," I said. "I love you, too, dad," he replied.

I reflected on my son's comments as I watched an Ophra Winfrey special on children of divorce. Parts were very difficult to watch and tears welled up in my eyes. I heard a noise behind me and turned to see two Center staff members dabbing their eyes with tissue. The separation process can be very painful for children and leave them damaged as adults. Co-parenting classes had not been invented when I went through the process. I may have done things much differently if I could have attended a class that talked about communicating with children, not arguing in front of them and not blaming the other parent for all that went wrong in the relationship. Why do I teach the Saturday morning Co-Parenting class? Partly as an atonement for putting my children through the hell of my divorce. But mostly because I have an opportunity to reach out and help parents not make the same mistakes, and to keep their focus on their children, not on themselves or the other parent. From time to time I reach a mom or dad and I know I have made a difference in their lives and the lives of their children. It's still painful, but maybe I have helped them think about what they are doing and how it is affecting their children.

The parents in this class have registered, paid their class fees and have settled in the training room, nervous and not knowing what is going to happen to them. I take a deep breath, gather myself for a moment, walk into the room and stand before them. "Good morning, parents!", I say. Another Saturday morning parenting class begins. And I know why I am here.

Chuck Hardwick

2007-10-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

The Pervasiveness of Conflict Resolution

It's been about a month and a half since I left the Center but the topic of conflict and conflict resolution has yet to disappear from my routine. Among the everyday reflective listening skills and I messaging that I do, it has also become a topic of study for me within my philosophy MA program.

The Boston College Philosophy Department holds a graduate conference every year and I am helping to put the next one together. Lo and behold, when I got on the committee, it turns out the topic is "violence and non-violence". While in the conference description we have steered clear of the word "conflict" (since we recognize, as the Center teaches, that not all conflict is bad), our discussions have inevitably come back to the topic itself. What is at the root of conflict? Is conflict the end of all things, or can it be removed from experience? Is philosophical reflection a type of conflict? How, if possible, does conflict shape cultural experiences like sexism and racism?

On a fundamental level, this shows something that the Center tells every trainee that comes through - conflict is everywhere and is something that you will have to deal with constantly, so be prepared. However, I think there is another message to take away. That is, the levels on which conflict exists are more than just our everyday experience (such as dealing with our co-workers). Conflict exists fundamentally on an intellectual and a phenomenological level (the latter being the level consisting of intuitions and unconscious reactions which shape our perceptions of experiences before we conceive them). A complete understanding of conflict should consider what is means on these levels as well. I don't yet have an answer, but I am going to submit a paper for the conference, so hopefully I'll gain a better understanding before the year ends.

Nathan Eckstrand

2007-09-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

Mediation and Dating, Part Two

In my last blog I wrote about dating and the mediator. I recently went out on a date that once again showed me how relevant mediation is to everything.

I met this guy; we really hit it off and decided to go out on a date. We decided to meet at a middle-priced restaurant in an area of town where there really weren't inexpensive choices for dinner. I let him pick the restaurant figuring he would be paying and I didn’t want to pick out a pricey place at his expense. We have dinner – its great. The food is good; the conversation is good, and I’m pretty sure the attraction is there. The bill comes and he asks me, “Do you want me to pay or do you want to split it?” I just looked at him. I had no idea what to say to that. I thought things were going well. I kind stumbled over some words before saying, “Uh, well, if you get dinner, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee.” He seemed very reluctant to pay. We dance around the paying and finally he agrees to pick up the check. I felt so bad about the fact that he didn’t want to pay that I had the waiter split it. He had gone to the bathroom during this exchange and was surprised to see the two checks when he returned. He asked me why I split the checks and I told him it was because he seemed very resistant to paying. I also told him I was confused by that because we seemed to be getting along very well and in my experience you only split the bill if at least one person isn’t feeling the date. He told me he was very much enjoying the date but in his experience you always split the check on the first date. Oh! (forehead smack) Unspoken rules!

Yes, that’s right, unspoken rules almost ruined my date. If I had not expressed how I felt about the check then its possible the date would have ended right after dinner and we would not have talked again. Luckily, we did discuss our own personal dating rules and have since gone out on more great dates.

This instance made me realize how important it is to get clients to reveal their unspoken rules. How many times in mediation have we realized the root conflict stems from different ways of approaching the world and different expectations of behavior that result from having unspoken rules? How many times do conflicts appear to be misunderstandings gone horribly wrong? Too bad we don’t come with manuals.

Mandy Stallings

2007-08-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

Feelings of Detachment

I find that I experience feelings of detachment and intrigue when working with a general mediation case and the parties are dealing with working through their interest vs position issues. Yet I find that I have feelings of disappointment, sadness, and disbelief when working with a family mediation case and the parents are not able and/or willing to put their personal interests/positions aside and put what’s best for their child or children as their primary focus!

Lucretha Hyman

2007-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Dealing with Indefensible Positions

Leo Hura, a commercial mediator and volunteer at the Mid Pacific Mediation Center, has a suggestion about how to handle court cases where it is obvious one party does not have a case.

If you know that one party will obviously lose if they go back into the courtroom, it is useful to try to help that party realize the indefensibility of their position. As a mediated settlement is almost always better than a judgment, even cases like this should be mediated. Hura recommends using separate caucuses where you tell the party that is being unreasonable that not making an offer could be dangerous as they risk not getting anything at all if they go back to court. Hopefully, this will loosen them up a bit.

However, Hura says that this is not the primary purpose of the caucus. He believes that you should find the underlying interest as to their position and try to address that when you go back in. Perhaps the person doesn’t have the money necessary to pay the other party. If that is brought out, perhaps a payment plan could be made that fits both party’s economies.

This is especially important when mediating at court, where the mediations need to be quick to meet the schedule of the court.

2007-08-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

All Recertification Credits in a Day

Recently at Community Mediation Center we hosted a Training Bonanza. Sounds like fun, right!?

It’s such an easy way to get all of your recertification credits in one day. Plus, active volunteers at the Center usually get a substantial discount.

It made me start thinking about the recertification process. For anyone who is unsure, recertification is required every two years for Virginia Supreme Court certified mediators. As a mediator, you would take course work in your certification area, an ethics course, and also show evidence that you completed 5 cases or 15 hours of mediation since your certification. It’s a process that some mediators save for the last minute (and I know because I help them register for courses!).

Although sometimes it’s seen as a burden or a pain to stay certified, it has great benefits.

For one, attending something like the training bonanza helps you meet other mediators in the community. Not only might you volunteer as a co-mediator with them some day, you might even develop a friendship! Another benefit is the courses. Always interactive, never dull – the courses are full of new information, techniques, or help you get back to your mediation roots. But the best benefit of all (in my humble opinion) is the learning for your co-classmates… the other mediators. Participating in group discussions, mediator peer consultations, or even just a chat at the water cooler has led to all kinds of interesting topics. It seems like everything from the mundane to the deeply philosophical to the mediating dangerously approach gets covered. There’s nothing like talking shop… especially with our volunteers!

So, why wait for one day every two-years to get all these benefits?! Just because recertification isn’t due for another 730 days doesn’t mean you can’t come in for workshops and cases! Plus, you get a great jump on next year’s requirements.

Hope to see you around (before I flip my calendar to 2008!).

Amanda Burbage
Community Relations Director

2007-08-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

International Conflict Resolution Groups

Not too long ago we put up a list of some of the programs in the country at colleges and universities that deal with conflict resolution and global studies relating to peace. Continuing our research in this area, we have also found a number of organizations that deal with conflict resolution on an international scale. For example, the Center for international Conflict Resolution (CICR) is a “network of professionals, scholars, and practitioners contributing to the resolution of international deadly conflict through research, education, and practice.” Organizations like these practice mediation and alternative dispute resolution in a different way that the Community Mediation Center or private mediation firms by working on conflicts on a national or global scale rather than a personal one. They also include people from around the world.

We mention this in order to provide some perspective on the conflict resolution world. It is larger than a number of people generally think, spanning all the continents and working on all types of conflict. In other words, the principles of conflict resolution have universal applicability and cannot be written off as just good advice for your day to day life.

It is also worth noting that because of these types of organizations, individuals who are not interested in mediation on the personal level may still be able to find a role to play in the conflict resolution world. One could carry out research into conflict, prepare reports, work with government agencies, etc. Below is a small sampling of the types of organizations out there. You can also find a comprehensive list of International Conflict Resolution Sources here.

Carnegie Endowment for International Peace: Conducts studies, discussion, and education in issues of foreign policy as they relate to peace.
Centre for Conflict Resolution: A UK organization that tries to combine research in peace studies into practical applications for practitioners.
Conciliation Resources: A group that serves as a resource for community and national groups pursuing conflict resolution initiatives.

The more all of us in the conflict resolution world work together, the more we can accomplish.

CMC Staff

2007-08-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Mediation and Dating

I am a single woman in her late 20’s. My last serious relationship ended about 2 years ago, so after the soul-searching and healing that happens when a potential marriage falls apart, I decided to start dating again. I am also a mediator, and as I have gotten deeper into practice, it has become exceedingly difficult to cut my mediator self off when I’m not working. This is both a blessing and a curse. My friends and family laugh at me, and often go, “Stop mediating me!” In my platonic relationships it is just a funny quirk, but when dating, it can really create some interesting situations.

It is helpful because I can draw people out in conversation. I ask those open-ended questions that allow people to talk about themselves. Sometimes this works against me, like with the guy who talked about himself for 3 hours so loudly I got a headache. Also, I warn men in advance, that I pry into people’s personal lives for a living, so where someone else might ask about their favorite color, I will ask about their childhood. I often start sentences with, “Help me understand….” or “Tell me what that was like for you…” or “Explain to me what you mean by…” Often at the end of a date, I like to clarify next steps (yes, I actually have said that).

Once, I was trying to plan a get together with someone I was seeing, but things just kept falling through. To take the pressure off the situation I said, “My interests are seeing you and getting some exercise, so as long as those interests are met, I’m happy.” If there is a situation that has multiple outcomes that I’m nervous about I have been known to say, “I’m nervous about this, what are the possible outcomes and how do we deal with them?” or I might say, “What would it look like if…” Once I posed that question to someone and he said, “I don’t understand, what you are asking? Don’t understand? Oh no!

When I’m upset with a situation I try to think of the best “I” message to use. My friends have told me, “You just need to be an angry woman, forget this mediation stuff.” My reply is, “But, that wouldn’t solve the problem. I’m interested in creating a dialogue so we can understand each other’s needs, so those needs can be met. Just yelling doesn’t solve anything.” Yeah, it runs deep.

Being an open communicator can backfire. I have a commitment to myself to be as open and honest as possible. I think it is important to be clear about how you feel, your expectations, and also what you need. This tactic doesn’t work with everyone, and it can scare off some men (just try to discuss expectations for communication and time together with someone you’ve just started seeing), but those whom it doesn’t scare off, really seem to appreciate my openness.

Mandy Stallings

2007-08-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
The Power of Apology

It’s something of a debate in the mediation world about the efficacy of apology in mediation. Does it do anything valuable in helping the parties reach a resolution? How do people react to hearing apologies? Also, what role – if any – does it play in arbitration and litigation?

In litigation, and other parts of our society, apology is seen as an admission of guilt and a weakness. Even when people apologize, the cynicism of others keeps the apology from being accepted, implying that the apology is being made insincerely or for personal gain.

However, in mediation the apology can play a useful role in transforming the relationship between disputants and helping them move towards a resolution. An agreement does not require an apology, but getting to the point where one party realizes the harm or frustration they have done to the other helps in making the parties more agreeable towards brainstorming ideas for a solution. It can also salvage a functioning relationship between the parties instead of having an agreement where each person agrees to go their own way from the other.

Darrell Puls, in his article “Apology: More Power Than We Think,” commends the power of apology but cautions the mediator to realize that what may be a sufficient apology for one person may not be for another. As a result, he comes up with 4 levels of apology to be aware of. If a mediator can figure out what constitutes a sufficient apology for a party he or she can work towards helping the party get to a point of making an apology. Here are the 4 levels:

The lowest level of apology is a “confession where the perpetrator acknowledges what he or she did.” The perpetrator admits to responsibility for the actions and the harm they caused without expressing remorse.
The second level of apology combines the first stage with an admittance of remorse. The perpetrator regrets what he or she did.
The third level of apology combines the first and second levels with a discussion of repentance. The perpetrator says that his or her reflecting on the action has caused him or her to change how they act to keep something like this from happening again.
The highest level of apology combines the first three levels while adding an element of justice. Not only is the act admitted, regretted, and disavowed, but it becomes a catalyst for doing what is right to fix the problem. The harm caused will be alleviated as much as possible and any reparations will be made.

Apology may not always be possible or even the right way to proceed, but keep it in mind as you proceed in a mediation. It may be the trick you are looking for.

2007-07-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Trainee Tips

Youth Programs

Anyone who has been around the Center in recent weeks has probably seen the numerous boxes of materials we have stored for the youth program we are doing at the Workforce Development Center. The program, which is being done as part of Norfolk's Learn and Earn program, has been a topic for much discussion and planning as we go through putting together the curriculum and arranging for guest speakers.

One of the more successful days we had was when we taught about constructive criticism, how to give it and get it. In suggesting how to give it, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Face the person and look him/her in the eyes

- Only give criticism about things a person can change

- Explain why you feel the person should change their behavior

- Explain again if you need to

In discussing how to receive constructive criticism, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Listen carefully to the person

- Ask for more information if you do not understand

- Tell your side and then listen to what the other person has to say

The tip to be found in all of this is: when putting together a program like this, make sure to be clear and engaging. The bullets above were put on a handout given to the kids and were explained in concise, straightforward language. While the kids are there to listen and learn, they will not be interested if your talk resembles a lecture at a biology conference. Additionally, the best presentations had activities and prizes for participation included in them. It's like all the people in the communication field say: remember your audience and tailor your presentation for them.

2007-07-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

Why do parents ask for sole custody?

It was brought to my attention recently that on the mediation video that we show potential mediation clients at the Center and at local courts and Social Service agencies, there is a scene where a legal professional is saying that usually when one parent files for sole custody of a child they are often just really angry with the other parent and want to punish them. To some extent I believe that is true. Parents often use their children as a pawn in situations of divorce or separation and try to “one up” the other parent.

However, there are often times as well when one parent truly feels that it is in the child’s best interest to be in their sole legal and physical custody. Maybe it is because the other parent has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse or because that parent is inconsistently in and out of the child’s life. I wonder what percentage of parents waste their time and money in court filing for sole custody just to get back at the other parent and what percentage honestly feel that they are protecting their child in some way from the other parent?

Sara Foote

2007-07-18T09:17:00.001-07:00

Continuing your studies in Conflict Resolution

There has been a growing trend in the United States (and several other countries) to offer programs that teach Conflict Resolution in concert with Peace and Global Studies. Numerous colleges and Universities are beginning to offer it as a major while several Universities have also developed graduate programs for people who want to study conflict resolution or peace in a graduate program.

Take for example Earlham College's Peace and Global Studies program. It is an undergraduate program that attempts to help students understand the basics of international relations as well as techniques which can be used on both the local and national level to create positive change in the world. Students even get to practice conflict resolution skills in a classroom environment, learning how to accomodate for gender and racial issues as they do so.

Here are some examples of Conflict Resolution and Global Studies programs across the country:

Earlham College - Peace and Global Studies
Lesley University - Conflict Resolution and Peaceable Schools Specialization
School for International Training - Conflict Transformation
Nova Southeastern University - Conflict Analysis and Resolution
University of Denver - Conflict Resolution
Arcadia University - Peace Studies

For a comprehensive list of all programs in Peace Studies Graduate Programs, visit this site.

CMC Staff

2007-07-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips

Work Relationships and the 4-phase model

For various reasons, work relationships can fall apart. More and more, businesses have been hiring mediators to resolve these disputes in order to try and re-develop a good working relationship between the co-workers while also making sure that both sides are satisfied with the outcome.

Mediators who undertake this task have been known to use the 4-phase model (it is very similar to the model taught by the Center). It works like this:

In phase one, the disputants tell their story directly to the mediator. At this point, neither has contact with the other. The mediator uses reflective listening to make the party feel heard and tries to elicit the underlying issues.
In phase two, the disputants come face to face and listen to one another (hopefully in a respectful way). This is done to start developing a better relationship between the parties by helping each understand the other.
In phase three, the mediator summarizes the perspectives. He helps to let the parties realize the new relationship they have built.
In phase four, the disputants try to reach a resolution through brainstorming.

2007-07-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips

Parables of Mediation

There are many great stories that illustrate the fundamental principles and value of mediation. One that we tell in our training which reveals the difference between interests and positions is about a librarian who comes across two people bickering about whether or not to have the window open. She asks the first one why he wants the window open, and he says "Because it's hot." She asks the second one why he wants it closed, and he says "To avoid a draft." The librarian thinks for a moment, and then goes into the next room to open the window in there. Returning to the table where the men sit, she says "Now both of your problems have been solved."

Different cultures have developed parables and tales that illustrate other valuable aspects of mediation. I want to share two with you. The first one is about how people who stick to incorrect assumptions in the face of facts often find themselves in trouble. Here it is:

"An old Chinese tale tells of the same advice given by two different men after the wall of his home was damaged by heavy rains. His neighbor advised him to repair the wall quickly in order to protect himself from thieves who might come in the night. He suspected his neighbor’s motives and failed to make the necessary preparations. Later, his son gave him the same warning, whereupon he took the advice but could not complete the job before nightfall. When thieves did come in the night, the rich man continued to suspect his neighbor’s motives but concluded that his son had indeed been smart. "

The second discusses how sticking to assumptions can blind you to the facts. Here it is:

"Another Chinese story tells of a man who lost his axe and insisted that his neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior identified him as the thief. The man subsequently found his axe buried under dirt in his own cellar. And when he next saw his neighbor, there was nothing different about the neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior. "

Not surprisingly, the principles of mediation have been shared by even ancient civilizations.

2007-07-02T11:28:00.001-07:00

The more things change, the more the stay the same

Unfortunately, I will be leaving the Community Mediation Center at the end of August to begin the next stage in my career, a Masters program in philosophy at Boston College. I was in Boston last week preparing for my move by trying to line up a job to help pay for my program. When I got up there and started to attend a couple job interviews, I quickly realized that while I won’t be working in the conflict resolution field anymore, I certainly won’t be leaving the skills I learned behind.

A good example of this occurred during my Museum of Science interview. I interviewed a position as a Camp-In Instructor, which called for me to do a short presentation to demonstrate my public speaking skills. I quickly decided to do it on mediation, and I spent the night before the presentation preparing slides and handouts for the audience.

When I got to the interview, I spent a short time discussing my qualifications for the job and answering some questions they had for me. Answering the questions required me to use some of my reflective listening skills as I had to get to the interests behind the questions they asked. For example, when they asked what type of presentation I would do if I received the job, part of what they wanted to know if how I would handle the kids. Instead of only discussing the content of the presentation would put together, I talked about how I would make it interactive and concentrate on trying to get the kids to learn only a few main points. After all, the kids who come to the museum should enjoy their time more than anything else.

Once the first part was over, I did my presentation. I covered the basics of what conflict is, how people use stories to organize their lives, and talked about how to use “I” messaging and reflective listening. I also included some interactive activities to get audience participation.

In the end I think it went well. I won’t hear from them for a while as they have to interview others, but I am thankful that I had my CR skills to help me through the interview.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

2007-07-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Bringing Conflict Resolution to Your Everyday Life

As someone who truly takes communication and conflict resolution to heart, I have applied mediation skills in all aspects of my life. Whether it be family, friends, co-workers, school-mates, or strangers – I’m always finding ways to use mediation. I use reflective listening, I-messaging, positions and interests, reality testing, and even agreement writing… without the writing on a regular basis. Because of my commitment to effective communication I find that people want to talk to me more & that makes me happy because I like talking back! Plus, I’ve found that I help bring out the best in people. Now, I’m not saying that I’m awesome or anything because EVEYRONE can bring out the best in people through effective communication. So, that’s the moral of this story – help make people successful by being a sounding board, listening empathetically, seeking to understand their true feelings and needs, stop trying to resolve everything… the list goes on and on. Not only do you help them, you help yourself practice the skills and gain a few friends in the process!

Amanda Burbage

Community Relations Director

2007-06-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips

Responding to Negotiation Tactics

Last week the most common negotiation tactics were presented along with a short description of what each meant. Though most people going through a mediation aren’t trained as negotiators and don’t know those tactics by name, everyone practices these tricks at some point or another. Imagine a kid who wants to stay up past his or her bedtime. He or she may use the “stalling” tactic by refusing to go to bed willingly until the adult watching him or her makes a concession (letting the child watch one last TV show, giving them extra dessert, etc.). As we all grow up we learn what actions engender desirable results and incorporate them into our behavior. Once these tactics are realized for what they are, however, the mediator can take constructive action to keep them from impeding an agreement.

When a mediator sees one of the common negotiation tactics being used, he or she should identify it in order to remain patient and self-controlled. Parties in mediation use these tactics to elicit some kind of response, forcing the other party into an awkward position by having to reveal something or change their position. To keep from becoming a victim of such a tactic the mediator must remain calm and neutral. If one person uses the “flinch” tactic the mediator should refrain from flinching as well. Instead, probe into what made the party flinch and the interests behind that.

Another way to offset the effect of these tactics is to use your knowledge of them to prevent them from having a devastating impact. At different points in the mediation process certain tactics can have a negligible effect while at other points that same tactic could bring the mediation to a halt. If you know that a threat at some part of the mediation could put an end to any further talking, take advantage of this knowledge to keep the parties in a stance that prevents the opportunities for threats from emerging (perhaps by strictly limiting talking back and forth between parties instead of talking to the mediator). If it is very important, you may even want to talk to the parties in a caucus to point out the effect a threat could have.

As with most things relating to human interactions, only very general rules can be divined. More often than not, deciding your actions requires understanding the context in which the interaction is occurring. Keeping the negotiation tactics in mind, and how you can respond to them, will help you gain a better understanding of the context of the mediation, hopefully increasing your chances of reaching an agreement.

Information about common negotiation tactics and possible mediator responses comes from Norman Page in his article "Mediation: What Should a Mediator Know?"

2007-06-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

Mediation Tips
Tactics used by parties in negotiation/mediation

A large part of mediation is negotiation (although negotiation in no way encompasses mediation). As a result, it behooves mediators to know about negotiation in order to use it to your – and thus the parties’ – advantage. As a good mediator knows, parties in a mediation will generally hide their interests behind positions, using certain tactics to allow the power to shift in their direction. Five common tactics used are the threat, the stall, the party initiated caucus, feign inflexibility, and the flinch.

The threat is an "or else" proposition. A party that uses a threat will try to elicit a certain reaction in the opposing party by threatening a certain action on his/her part (for example, refusing to take part in the mediation). Threats are generally vague to allow for the party to not carry through, although if the threat turns into an action it can end a mediation.
The stall uses time pressure to lessen the power of the other party. If the interests of one party are time dependant (needing to leave an apartment by a certain date in order to move somewhere else), the other party may waste-time, call for breaks, not focus on the real issue, in the hopes that by using up the time the first party may make larger concessions.
A party-initiated caucus is a team tactic used when there is more than one individual in a party. After one member of the group offers a concession another member will call a team caucus implying the member made an error. This tactic is intended to add value to the concession which later could be traded for one of value to the team.
One will feign inflexibility to test the resolve of the other side. One party will refuse to make a concession (perhaps claiming he or her does not have the authority to make the decision) in order to learn about the other party (how inflexible he or she is, how important a concession is to them, etc.). The point of this to shift the balance of power to the first party by increasing his or her knowledge of the other party’s stance.
The flinch is a nonverbal indicator of pain or surprise. Depending on one party’s stance/position, the other party might flinch to give the impression that what the first party is asking is too much. Examples of flinches include groaning and displays of pain as well as expressions of shock or frustration.

Be aware of these strategies in mediation, because even though it is not technically a negotiation, parties may still make use of these tactics. In some cases, their use may even be unintentional as it has just become a part of how they deal with the other party over time and as a result they have stopped noticing it. Strategies a mediator can use to combat these tactics will be put up in one to two weeks.

2007-06-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Fear vs. Respect

I recently did a 12-week training with kids currently involved in gangs. As a mediator, one of my goals was to help them explore their interests in living the gang lifestyle and hopefully give them the opportunity to find new ways to fulfill those interests.

Our most powerful sessions involved conversations regarding the difference between fear and respect.

The kids were clear about their need for respect. Most of their actions were aimed at getting others to respect them and recognize them as individuals that matter in this world. However, as we explored their actions, they were slowly able to recognize their current belief that fear and respect mean the same thing. Their violent actions led people to clearly fear them, and therefore (they thought) respect them.

Once the kids were able to identify the clear differences between fear and respect, their interests were no longer able to met through their violent acts. It was time to brainstorm new behaviors that would earn them the respect they desired!! It was time to change!!

Andrea Palmisano

Youth Programs Director

2007-06-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

Using Mediation in Mob Wars

The Sopranos, a TV show about a dysfunctional mob family, recently aired its final episode. One of the story lines found in recent episodes is the increasing tension between Tony Soprano and Phil, a rival mob boss. At the climax of the storyline, Phil has had enough of Tony's "disrespect" and orders his thugs to take out Tony and his guys. In the second to last episode, guns blaze, bodies fall and it's wall to wall blood for an hour. When the episode ends, Tony has been fired by his shrink, most of his main guys are dead, along with various others, and he and what's left of his gang are holed up in a house, heavily armed.

I waited in anticipation for the final episode, wondering who would survive. When it finally aired, nothing happened for the first 20 minutes. Then, in the middle of a mob war, a mediation breaks out. Well, no one called it a mediation, but it sure looked like one. Tony and Phil's main guy, Butch, are talking on the phone. Butch wants to make peace, but Phil has already rejected the idea and rebuked Butch for not getting to Tony first. Tony and Butch talk about a neutral location. Sound familiar? It also has to be safe, everyone is frisked for weapons before the parties sit down in a cold factory. Bottled water is provided (that's a little different from the Center, as we draw water from a tap in the kitchen.)

"This has gone too far. It's time for a change," says Butch. Okay, that's about as close to an apology as you'll get from mobsters. Tony accepts the offer for a change, but he's still concerned about Phil and wants Phil's guys to do something about it. "We can't go there" responds Butch, "Do what you have to do." Tony brings up another issue: how to make up his sister's loss after her husband (Tony's brother-in-law) got whacked in a toy store. "Come on, it's my sister we're talking about here. She has to be taken care of." Phil's main guy pauses, then says, "We'll come up with a number." Everyone shakes hands because it has become a win-win situation. Tony moves his family back into their home.

The only loser is Phil, who gets whacked while standing in a gas station, waving goodbye to his grandchildren, strapped in car seats in the back of his SUV. Phil's wife gets out of the vehicle and rushes to her husband, even as the shooter is putting another bullet into Phil's chest. The SUV is still in gear and slowly rolls forward, crushing Phil's head. The producers don't actually show the head-crushing, but the sound effects are wonderful.

The lesson: Phil should have gone to mediation, instead of insisting on sticking with his position of wanting to wipe out Tony. When mobsters mediate, they find a peaceful solution. Too bad, Phil. You lose.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

2007-06-13T07:20:00.001-07:00

Mediator Tips
Measurements of Workplace Conflict Management Systems

Many workplaces are starting to develop conflict management systems for their employees as a way of developing productive business relationships. These systems can include mediation, training, and other methods that teach individuals how to solve problems without resorting to violence, name-calling, or disruptive behavior. The book Workplaces that Work provides a system – which is called the Donais Fairness Theory – to measure the effectiveness and fairness of a workplace system by using 4 quotients.

The first quotient is the justice quotient. The justice quotient measures how well the system implements its programs, and the equality with which they are used. This includes making sure that all participants are heard, informing everyone of their legal rights, is independent from manipulation, and whether it results in enforceable solutions.

The second quotient is the efficiency quotient. This measures how smoothly the system is run. In doing so, several factors are primarily taken into account: these include Interest, Alternatives, Self-Help, Cost, Flexibility, Education and Timeliness. A program with a good efficiency quotient will allow employees and managers to craft goof solutions, will be cost effective, and will have numerous alternative ways of solving conflict.

The third quotient is the engagement quotient. This measures the participation level in the program. Obviously, a system no one engages with is pointless as it does not help anyone. Measuring engagement includes looking at how well a conflict management system encourages participation from employees.

The fourth quotient is the resource quotient. This measures how well a program utilizes its resources to construct a better program. If a program is set up but receives no funding or support from the company, it is not utilizing its resources effectively. Measurements also include how good the programs’ facilities are and the qualifications of support staff.

The book Workplaces that Work discusses in detail these measurements and provides operational definitions for them so that they can be accurately assessed. You can also find out more by reading this article: How Fair Is Your Conflict Management System?.

2007-06-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

There’s Another Way

People are always complaining about how rude people are. There is a sense of meanness and irritability in our culture. It’s everywhere -- TV or radio talk shows, “news” commentaries, 24-hour “news”, reality TV, tabloids, popular music. We watch in smug satisfaction at the real world soap opera of celebrities. We’re ready to dehumanize groups of people, such as immigrants – legal or illegal – because of some perceived “wrong” they are doing to us.

OK, so what does this have to do with conflict resolution? Good question.

It was the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech and the round-the-clock news coverage that brought this whole issue into focus for me. I, like everyone else, watched in horror that first evening. I turned off some of the coverage, such as the cell phone tape of the sounds of shots being fired, especially when it was played over and over again. I was appalled a few days later when the video of the very, very troubled young man who shot the students and faculty at Tech was shown continuously it seems.

During that first night of coverage, when news reporters were trying to find anyone to talk to, I listened to the questions they were asking the shell-shocked Tech students. As a mediator, trainer of mediators and a 70s graduate of the journalism school at the University of Maryland, I was incensed to see the reporters escalating the tense situations by trying to “stir things up.” Questions designed to get people angry – to inflame the situation to make a “good story”.

Ironically, I was co-teaching a basic mediation course at the time of the Tech shootings. While the media, commentators and political pundits were using inflammatory language to escalate an already tragic situation, I was busy teaching people how to use words to DE-ESCALATE conflict situations. When a person is in conflict, they want to be “heard”, to be listened to. So they tell their “story” which is an account of what happened from their perspective. The key to feeling “heard” for people is to acknowledge what they are feeling along with the content of what they are saying. When people hear that acknowledgement, they can begin to let go of that anger.

However these same tools can be used to escalate conflict by using volatile words that stir up a person’s already whirling emotions. It is a fine line we all walk but an important and critical one in reducing conflict.

Let’s take a step back to a calmer and gentler America. If someone is trying to escalate a conflict you are in with volatile words, just say no and walk away. It might feel like you are loosing but you are truly winning.

Karen Richards
Ex-Interim Executive Director

2007-06-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

ADR Goes Online

There is a plethora of mediation materials out there in book, audio, and video format, but they can be hard to find unless one knows what they are looking for. How could we in the mediation world make it easier for others to learn more about issues relating to conflict resolution and violence prevention? A project attempting to answer this question has been long in the works, but now it is available to everyone.

Recently a catalog of books and other media relating to mediation, negotiation, facilitation, conflict resolution, violence prevention, and peace-building has been added to the Community Mediation Center’s website. Anyone wishing to read up on topics covered in the ADR world can visit the site and buy the books through Amazon.com.

Additionally, any books, CD’s, or videos bought through the website will have a portion of their cost go to the Community Mediation Center’s youth and mediation programs.

Do you have a suggestion for a book you want to see offered? E-mail or write the Center with your request and it will be added to the list.

P.S. In addition to media related to mediation, bestsellers are also being offered. You can even pre-order the next Harry Potter book.

CMC Store Manager

2007-05-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Identifying and Understanding Domestic Violence

Note: This tip covers some of the basics of how domestic violence is dealt with in mediation. The Community Mediation Center has an entire class devoted to Domestic Violence and Mediation. It is required for anyone who wants to become a family mediator, but anyone interested in the topic is encouraged to take it for a more detailed explanation of how domestic violence works in mediation.

Domestic violence can be difficult to spot because of the strong tendency to keep it secret or rationalize the behavior as normal. As a result, the mediator must be attentive for signs of it during the mediation so that the parties – and if necessary other parties like counselors or the courts – can be made aware of it. According to Anita Vestal in her article “Domestic Violence and Mediation: Concerns and Recommendations,” domestic violence is usually divided into three types: physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse. While the first two are generally easy to define, and thus recognize when it is brought up in a mediation, the third is harder. Examples of psychological abuse include:

Threats and Intimidation: these include threats to take the children away, destroy someone financially, attempts to coerce someone into illegal activity, displaying or threatening with weapons, etc.

Using Economic Resources: such forms of abuse include unilaterally maintaining exclusive access to cash, credit cards, bank accounts, accruing debt in the partner’s name, and withholding child support payments.

Stalking: such forms of abuse include repeatedly sending letters, appearing at someone’s work or home, and incessant phone calls that carry the message of intimidation.

Not every case of domestic violence can be handled by mediation, and several tests have developed to determine whether a case involving domestic violence can be mediated. These include phone interviews, preliminary screening, and questionnaires such as the Tolman Screening Model (developed by Richard Tolman) or Conflict Assessment Protocol (developed by Linda Girdner). However, one way to help a case proceed with mediation is to have the parties agree to a couple ground rules. Anita Vestal recommends the following ground rules that both parties need to agree to:

Acknowledgment of past abuse

Encouragement of the abused partner to pursue an order for protection

Requiring and monitoring attendance at anger management classes or therapy for the abuser

Requiring and monitoring the participation of the abused partner in services for battered women or therapy for the abused partner

Anita Vestal admits that a couple of factors may make a domestic violence case unsuitable for mediation. She identifies these factors as:

Abusers who seem to have a need to control the abused partner

An abuser who is easily frustrated by the idea of not getting all that he wants

An abuser who accepts no responsibility for the abuse

An abused partner who discloses that she has been abused, but does not want it revealed to the abuser

Patterns of psychological abuse (with or without physical abuse) that has led to a situation where the abused partner identifies with the abuser's needs as primary and necessary for her survival

Ultimately the issue of domestic violence is a tricky issue with no easy answers. In order to deal with domestic abuse a mediator must have significant training and an ability to control power dynamics. A lot will come down to the mediator’s intuition and what he or she feels they can handle.

2007-05-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

2007 Golf Tournament Summary

The Community Mediation Center held its annual golf tournament yesterday, on May 24, 2007. For those of you who weren’t there, here’s a rundown on what happened:

Center staff and volunteers started arriving at the course around 10am to set up for the tournament. This included setting out the signs for tee sponsors, 50/50 raffle tickets, silent auction, and the gifts for the raffle. Registration started at 11am, although most of the players didn’t arrive until noon. After arriving, the players were given a goodie bag with snacks, coupons, a calculator, mints, and some other items and had the chance to purchase 50/50 or regular raffle tickets. After having a lunch consisting of hot dogs, the players went to their carts and headed off for their starting holes.

As it turned out, the weather was perfect for golfing, as well as enjoying snacks of peanuts and beer. Center volunteers were kept busy refilling the kegs and bringing other snacks to golfers around the course. No major problems came up during the tournament, and players starting arriving back at the clubhouse around 5:30pm. After milling around for a while – and buying some more tickets – a dinner was served consisting of bar-b-que, fried beans, and potatoes. While the players were eating the final scores were announced, the winners of the silent auction were able to claim their prizes, and the raffle ceremony was held. Several people got to take home some major prizes, including a dinner for 12 by the gourmet gang, an iPod shuffle, and one complementary one night stay for two at the Crowne Plaza Williamsburg at Fort Magruder. The raffle ceremony constituted the end of the golf tournament, and after it was over the players left for home.

If you want to know more, visit this site in the near future for tournament results and pictures of the event.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

2007-05-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Issues of Trust

As any good mediator knows, people in conflict are rarely clashing over the subject matter of that dispute alone; their interests are a large part of the dispute as well. Unfortunately, a dispute will often lead to feelings of mistrust between the two parties as they will each feel as though the other person is acting in a mean or deceitful way (especially if the dispute is over a contract that was broken). Building back trust is an important part of getting the parties to reach a resolution. Unfortunately there is no formula for building back trust, but a good understanding of the types of trust-based conflicts people have may help in figuring out the right way to approach the issue. Steven L. Schwartz, the Managing Partner of ADRSolutions, LLC, divides trust-based conflicts into three types: calculus-based, knowledge based, and identification-based.

Calculus-based conflicts generally involve the immediate situation at issue, that is, issues where the parties are focusing on the specifics of a contract breach, for example. In these cases the parties generally do not have a long-standing relationship. In knowledge-based conflicts the parties have a more detailed knowledge of the others’ habits and activities. They are friends or acquaintances that have known each other for a while. When parties in this type of relationship lose each others’ trust, they are losing trust in that person’s qualities and not just their performance. Finally, in identification-based conflicts the parties have deep seated feelings or an intimate relationship that has lasted a long time. A betrayal of trust of this sort is taken very personally by each party, as they end up losing trust in the entire person they are in conflict with, not just an aspect of them. A solution to this type of lack of trust will have to address the deeply felt emotions each party carries.

Learning to identify the type of relationship, and thus level of trust, each party shares may help you discern what path to follow in a mediation to reach a solution.

2007-05-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

Learning the subject matter of a dispute:
Upcoming CMC Training in “Foundations of Mediating Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) Disputes”

Among members of the mediation community there has been a continuing debate about whether or not a mediator needs a certain degree of expertise in the subject matter at the heart of a dispute being mediated to successfully mediate, or is just skill in mediation enough? For example, is it better when mediating an EEO dispute to know about EEO laws or when dealing with construction mediations to know about the elements of construction?

The mediation purists argue that the mediation process is the same no matter what the dispute is about so there is no need for additional subject-matter expertise. Besides, they remind us that since mediators don’t give legal advice all they need is mediation skill. There are others, myself included, who believe that in certain types of disputes it helps to have some knowledge of the subject matter.

During my 32-years of Federal government civilian service I spent the majority of time as an EEO Manager, Discrimination Complaint Manager, and Mediator. In designing mediation programs as part of the discrimination complaint process, I always relied on outside neutrals who not only were skilled as mediators, but also were knowledgeable in EEO and Federal government human resources. The benefits of this were multi-fold: 1. The mediators were better able to reality test with participants if they understood EEO laws, complaint processes, and Federal government civil service rules; 2. By understanding the complaint process, including applicable timeframes, mediators understood the constraints in which they were operating; 3. The mediators could use appropriate jargon with the participants, which gives the participants a high comfort level that the mediator was really listening to and understanding their issues; 4. Mediators understood better what must appear in a settlement agreement—and what couldn’t; and 5. Perhaps most importantly, this subject-matter knowledge let the mediators know what they didn’t know and when to seek outside expertise.

Following along with this thinking, the Community Mediation Center will be offering a 4-hour training class on Saturday, August 18, 2007, from 9:00 a.m.-1:00 pm in “Foundations of Mediating Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) Disputes.” The cost of the training is $95, and will provide an overview of employment discrimination, Federal and State discrimination laws and complaint processes, and components of mediating EEO disputes. Visit our website at www.ConflictCrushers.org to register on-line for this course, or any of our other training opportunities.

Leslie Tourigny
Mediation Liaison and AMERICORPS Member

2007-05-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

Trainee Tips
Things to consider when taking basic mediation training

There is no national standard for mediation training, so it is important when considering whether or not you want to become certified the quality of the general mediation class. Diane Levin, in an article titled "What to look for in a basic mediation training", offers these suggestions. The first is to figure out what the certification requirements in your state are, as they differ depending on your location. A training director should be familiar with these. Next, ask about the training class itself. What type of mediation process does it teach (facilitative, transformative, or evaluative)? Does the class have activities such as practice mediations or is it all lecture? What ethical quidelines will be taught? Which materials will students use? All of these questions are important.

It is also worth looking into what kind of trainer is teaching the class. Ask about the trainer's background, including what type of cases they have mediated, their experience as a trainer, how long they have been mediating, and how many people they have trained. The trainer should be connected to the conflict resolution world and dedicated to the principles behind mediation.

Finally, figure out what you can do after the training. Some organizations allow trainees to keep involved by providing mediation opportunities to complete the certification process and can give some advice about making a living as a mediator. Ask the training coordinator about what the training organization offers post-training.

Once you collect all this data, use it to make sure that this training offers what you want it to. Here is the article: http://www.mediate.com/articles/levinD1.cfm.

2007-05-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

How to prepare for a mediation session

Mediation is a process where a neutral third party person facilitates a conversation amongst two or more people whereby the participants work together to resolve details to their dispute. If you’re participating in a mediation session, consider doing some preparation.

First, think about your position. A position is what you want. It might sounds like, “I want him fired”, “I want full custody”, or “I want $1,000”.

Second, think about your interests. An interest is why you want what you want. Why do you think full custody, or $1,000 sounds like the best option for you. What underlying concerns or issues are there, underneath your position? For example, you may want $1,000 (position) and you may want it so you can afford to have the work redone. So, having the work done properly is your interest and one way to achieve that is to have the business pay for the work.

Third, consider alternative options based on your interests. Following along the above example, if your interest is to have the work done properly another option might be to have the company re-do the work, they could do work on another part of your house for free, they could teach you to do it yourself, they could charge you only for supplies and not for labor (or vice versa) on the second job. When you work from interests there are many, many options, as opposed to when you work from positions where there is seemingly only one answer to the problem.

Finally, consider the details. When does this need to be done, how will it get done, and what are the other terms to the agreement? Make a Plan B – what if the plan doesn’t go as followed? What are all the possible problems (weather, illness, bankruptcy, etc.) and how will we address them IF they come up?

Remember, think of mediation as a conversation. The best thing you can do to be prepared is to practice the conversation on your own before you come to the table. Get clear on what is really important to you, and develop criteria so you know when you’ve reached an acceptable win-win resolution.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

2007-05-09T07:30:00.001-07:00

Mediator Tips
Responding to Concerns about Mediation

Because mediation is not as readily understood as litigation or even negotiation, it is understandable that clients often have concerns about the efficacy and value of mediation. Sometimes mediation seems like just another step in the legal process that only serves to delay getting a decision, or that it is a trick by one side of the disagreement to get what is owed to the other side. A mediator can convince more parties to attend mediation by responding to these concerns.

When asked whether mediation is any different from court, the obvious answer is that mediators don’t represent any side but are neutral facilitators. This is the point to stress, as the adversarial approach to litigation has become so ingrained into our culture’s psyche that alternatives are rarely, if ever, noticed. Mediation is also different than court because it allows clients to control the process themselves. They decide how much they want to discuss, they come up with the agreement, and they generate the options. If these two points are understood, it does not matter how much they know about the mediation process or how long mediation takes (although they might want to know that later), it is likely that they will be sold on mediation as a concept.

If asked about whether mediation works, and is worth the time, probably the best answer is to mention the success rate of about 90% and how even those who did not reach an agreement felt that mediation was useful. It would also be useful to mention how mediation does not require anything from the participant save his or her time. Given that participants can go to court if mediation does not work out, one has every reason to try mediation, especially if reaching a solution is what is most important.

Certain caveats do apply to mediation, such as the mediator being unable to give legal advice, but those can be covered before mediation begins. The benefits of mediation definitely outweigh the negatives, and by emphasizing the points above, it is likely that most people will agree.

2007-05-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
The 80/20 Rule

An understanding of the 80/20 rule can help you to avoid frustrations in a mediation when it seems as though the parties aren't making any progress. Basically, the rule says that 80% of the progress the parties will eventually make occurs within the last 20% of the process. The majority of mediation, even when you get past the introduction and storytelling phases, will be dedicated more towards framing the issues and getting a better understanding of the disputed facts in the case. While it may seem obvious that progress occurs at the end, you will be surprised at how often a mediation will follow the 80/20 rule. The point is that you can't expect there to be a gradual progression towards the end agreement, but should focus more on facilitating the discussion. As the Center teaches, a good mediation will often follow the Transformative approach, where the solution will follow naturally from the discussion, especially when the parties see the point of view of the other. Try going into a mediation keeping the 80/20 rule in mind and see how that affects both your mediation style and opinion of how well a mediation is going.

2007-04-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Mediating to create positive change

Gandhi has said that, “we must be the change that we want to see in the world.” This is one of my favorite quotes because it holds such a true statement. We often hear people talk about what they do or don’t like in the world but very rarely are they willing to step up to the plate to institute change. However, creating change can happen on several levels; even if you cannot create sweeping changes, it is always possible to try and have a positive impact in someone’s life. Working at the Community Mediation Center I have found out that mediation is a great opportunity to help someone change something in their life that they are not happy with or have been struggling with for awhile.

Being a mediator involves helping people to resolve conflicts between themselves without getting the court involved. Mediation gives people an opportunity to handle their misunderstanding themselves and to hear each other out. Granted not all situations are meant for mediation, but many can be resolved outside of the courts. A mediator is more than just a referee; he or she is a problem solver, motivator, and a good listener. With our changing political and social environment in society it is important to make positive changes in our lives as well as others.

My time at the Community Mediation Center so far has been a life changing experience. You never realize how nice life can be until you hear the stories and struggles of people at the Center or General District Court. Being able to help people come to a mutual agreement to work out their differences is the awesome tool and secret to mediation. Mediation has been around for years and is a great tool for families or people who may not be able to afford lawyers or take time off of work to come together and work out their problems.

Veronica Hill
Training and Youth Coordinator

2007-04-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips

Practice Your Skills Online

Technology moves fast these days, and it is important for mediators to try and keep up. As part of the ongoing endeavour to put mediation materials online (on Mediate.com and other ADR websites), tools for honing your mediator skills have found their way onto the Internet as well. The following are two games which have been put on the web that, while made primarily for entertainment value, attempt to give one practice using common mediation and negotiation skills. Try them out for yourself; who knows, you might even learn a thing or two.

Note: You must have Adobe Flash Player installed on your computer for these games to work.

Move or die

Angry Neighbors

2007-04-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Mediation extends beyond the Center's walls

Sometimes it is difficult for me to shut the mediator brain off. Recently I was having brunch with my best friend and he was venting to me about his relationship. He has been with the same person for the past five years and has never really been happy. We have had the same venting session every three months for the past five years. I always ask him why he stays and never can really tell me. Finally, this brunch I decided to open a can of mediation on him.

I asked him what his relationship goals are. He told me and I asked if what he is currently doing as far as relationships go is helping him achieve those goals. He said no. So, I asked, what are some ways you can achieve your relationship goals? He told me it would be to leave his current partner. I asked if there were any other options that included staying with his partner, including couples therapy, etc. No, he didn’t see any other options. He was very overwhelmed by the idea of ending and separating five years of life with his partner. So, we took his problem and broke it down into smaller tasks. We listed challenges and ways to overcome those challenges, we came up with next steps, and he actually followed through with them. What he needed to see was that his problem wasn’t as big as he thought it was, and that he could do each of the small steps to help him reach his goal.

I would say this is the heart of mediation. I like mediation because it is creative problem solving. Our clients have this problem that is really big to them. They feel powerless to solve it on their own. We help them look at their goals and how they can reach those goals. We help them take their problem apart and put it back together in a constructive way. It is by recognizing that their problems aren’t too big to solve that our clients are empowered to solve them. To me, a dispute is like any other problem. There is a solution if parties are willing to look for it. As mediators we help them flip the light switch in the dark room, so they can really see what surrounds them. For my friend, he needed to see that all the things he used as excuses to remain unhappy were not so overwhelming if he takes them on one at a time, at the same time he acknowledges that this will be a hard thing to follow through with, but he wants to because it is helping him achieve his goal.

Mandy Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

2007-04-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Loose Ethics

Ethical principles are not always a good thing. This is the point made by Robert Benjamin in an article published in ACResolution Magazine back in 2004. Benjamin's thesis is that having too many ethical guidelines end up constraining a mediator more than helping him or her.

Unlike some other professions, a mediator's role is not always to be objective, dispassionate, and neutral. Mediators deal with pragmatic solutions, and if they are to gain the trust of the parties they cannot always afford to be "above the fray". Benjamin feels that the qualities of neutrality and impartiality are only there to cleanse and rehabilitate the image of a mediator. However, in a practical sense they only constrain the mediator.

Parties in a mediation do not always act rationally. Often times the parties are hostile to the mediation process, finding it unnatural or not helpful. Other times they are unwilling to discuss their interests because of some underlying fear. When mediators present themselves as completely dispassionate, they do little to recognize those underlying fears.

According to Benjamin, mediators learn early on that they must use their instincts, wit, and guile to reach a solution. In these cases, reaching a solution may require bending ethical guidelines to some degree.

However, Benjamin does not advocate abandoning all ethical principles. Instead, he presents 4 general rules that are important to follow at all times, but says that within the framework of those 4 mediators should be given some leeway to use their own style to solve conflicts. The 4 principles he mentions are:
1. The prospective mediator shall disclose to the parties any and all contacts or relationships with any of the parties, their associates, families, or organizations of the parties.
2. The mediator shall never make a recommendation or binding decision in a matter without the written agreement of all parties concerned, whether or not there is a standing order by a court or an appointing authority.
3. The mediator shall assure and protect the right of the parties to terminate the mediation process at any point without explanation.
4. The mediator shall not disclose to any third party, courts, judges, attorneys, other appointing authorities any information about the parties, their attitudes, motivations, or actions at any time. The mediator must maintain a primary duty of loyalty to the parties.

To read Benjamin's article, click this link: http://www.mediate.com/articles/benjamin16.cfm

2007-04-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Renewing our commitment to effective communication

With the recent horrifying events at Virginia Tech, I think everyone gets a wake up call. No matter your level of involvement with the campus, whether you know a student or not, everyone suddenly realizes how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. Perhaps you’ve found yourself playing the “what if” game, or maybe you called your friends and family just to say “hi” because you realized it had been too long.

As sad as these killings are, people are already responding personally and in groups in positive ways. Hopefully some have access to support groups driven by facilitated dialogue. Maybe this is an opportunity for others to renew their commitment to non-violence. In fact, this could be the chance for all of us to improve the way we interact with one another, to value the dignity and autonomy of each human being on a daily basis.

The process of effective communication is invaluable when it comes to treasuring human interaction with family members, friends, and even strangers. Honor those people you interact with through positive communication, because it might be your only opportunity to be a light in someone’s life.

Amanda Burabage
Community Outreach Director

2007-04-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

Changes

Recently, while rummaging through my garage, I came across a journal I had written in 1987, some 20 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and the early entries were about the pain and turmoil of the end of my marriage. I had moved out of the house in the last weeks of 1986 and was finding the initial adjustment a very difficult process.

By summer, the entries became more positive as I began to re-connect with my children and develop my new role as non-custodial parent. By October, I had met the woman who would be a major part of my life for the next four years. Christmas Eve was actually a joyous event. My children had requested "those little chickens" (Cornish Game Hens) for our holiday dinner. As the little chickens cooked, we decorated my tree. I asked my son to help me with the lights. "I don't know how," he protested. "I'll show you," I replied, "and we'll do it together."

After opening our gifts to each other, the children returned to their mom's house, and I reflected on how much change we had all been through during 1987 and how we all had changed. It was a year of recovery. I was much stronger and more confident in my ability to not only survive, but to thrive both on professional and personal levels.

We don't have to wait 20 years to realize how we have changed. It happens in small ways, every day. I find myself "generating options" when faced with a difficult choice and using my reflecting listening skills in everyday encounters. We do it without realizing it. Later, we ask ourselves, "where did THAT come from?" It comes from the training which we incorporate into our lives, not just in mediations or co-parenting classes. We also help initiate change in others, whether it be youth groups, separating parents or squabbling neighbors. If we plant a seed that sprouts into a change in the lives of others, we have been successful.

I see this in the co-parenting class I teach. One night, a very big, very angry dad came storming through the door, complaining about the courts ordering him there and wondering how he was going to buy groceries the next week because he had to pay for the class. At the end of the class, he shook my hand and thanked me. "I learned a lot tonight," he said. A mom sent me a Christmas card, telling me how much fun the class had been for her. Fun? You don't take the parenting class for fun! I don't set this as a goal for each class, but when it happens, it feels good. We can actually help others make changes in their lives. And they, in turn, change us.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

2007-04-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

Mediation Tips
Comparing Mediation Styles

The Community Mediation Center uses and teaches the transformative mediation style, as we feel it yields the best results. However, as mediation theory has developed in the past, numerous other styles have been developed. Most people who have taken our training class know something about these other styles, so this will be a refresher for them. If you haven't heard about these other styles, though, check them out. As always, a mediator needs to develop his or her own mediation style over time, which means that some of you may want to include elements of these other styles in your approach. Here is a short summary of each of them.

Facilitative: The most common style in the mediation world, a facilitative mediator asks questions, validates points of view, searches for interests, and helps parties develop solutions. The mediator does not give opinions or advice, but remains neutral. It is interesting to note that this style developed when most mediators were volunteers, and thus not required to have experience on the mediation topic.

Evaluative: An evaluative mediator more readily gives out opinions and evaluations than a facilitative mediator. He or she will intervene in the mediation to point out stregnths or weaknesses in a party's position and explain what will happen if the case should go back to court. Often evaluative mediation is used in issues relating to money, which the mediator should have some experience in dealing with.

Transformative: The transformative approach takes a lot from the facilitative style, including the neutrality of the mediator, encouraging parties to develop their own solutions, and getting at the interests rather than the positions. The difference of the transformative approach is its attempt to empower each party and encouage them to recognize the others' point of view. Communication between both parties is a large part of this process.

Narrative: The narrative style places a lot of emphasis on the storytelling part of the mediation because it assumes that the parties are in conflict because they see themselves from the narrow point of view of their own narrative. The narrative mediator attempts to get the parties to share their story of the conflict and then to view the stories from a distance. The mediator then helps the parties to create a new story that allows for the possibility of a resolution.

There are pluses and minuses to each approach, so a mediator will have to choose based upon which one they think suits them. An article posted on the site www.mediate.com compares the evaluative and transformative approaches to mediation (the two most popular processes). Please read it for some enlightening analysis.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/fosterK1.cfm

2007-04-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

How Conflict Can Spread

Conflict is contagious. I say this because recently there was a large conflict brewing in my family that started with just two people and expanded to 10 or more. My sister was in conflict with her boyfriend, the father of her unborn child. That led to conflict between she and I, as my sister, myself, and her boyfriend were all supposed to move into a house together. However, she never moved in so it has been just him and me. She was mad at me for living in the same house with him while she was mad at him, although this living arrangement had been the plan all along.

This conflict also led to conflict between myself and my mother because since my sister was living with my parents it seemed to become an "us against them" situation. Other family members took sides and before we knew it our Sunday lunch was no longer a time for catching up and reflecting on the week with our family, it was a time to talk behind one another’s back over the kitchen sink! Thankfully now the conflict is starting to subside but it is still there.

Do your best to resolve conflict. Think about how your conflict affects others. None of us live in a bubble – our actions affect those around us like ripples in the water.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

2007-03-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Peace is Possible!

At the Taman Safari Zoo in Bogor, Indonesia, a pair of month-old Sumatran tiger twins became friends with a set of young orangutans, an very unusual match that would never occure in their natural jungle habitat. The odd group met while they were sharing a room at the zoo's nursery. All four of the animals were abandoned by their mothers shortly after birth, and have been taking care of each other like brother and sister ever since. Zoo Keeper Sri Suwarni said, "This is unusual and would never happen in the wild. The four have lived side-by-side for a month without a single act of hostility." (To read the whole story: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/28/indonesia.tigers.orangutan.ap/index.html)

This is a sure sign that peace is possible! If these little guys can embrace their differences and learn to love and look after each other, why can't humans? Unfortunately, this cute little bunch will not stay together for long -- as their natural instincts will begin to develop (tigers begin to eat meat at 3 months). It is unrealistic to think that humans could maintain such a odd-coupled relationship, but we CAN learn to embrace our differences, deal with people effectively, solve our own problems and empower others do to the same. TAKE MEDIATION TRAINING, SUPPORT COMMUNITY MEDIATION CENTER -- start now, don't let a one-month animal show you up (although, they are amazing, huh?).

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

2007-03-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Moving to the online world

This blog entry is not going to be a tip in the usual sense of the word, but rather a suggestion for how to improve your skills by making use of the internet. You've probably heard of YouTube, a site which allows individuals to post their own videos to the web to be viewed by everyone. Viewing videos regarding mediation can be a great way to improve your skills by hearing and seeing the perspectives of mediators around the country, and YouTube contains numerous videos about mediation which are free to watch. Among those on the web are people discussing the importance of mediation, example mediations, and discussions with mediation theorists. Over time the Center will hopefully be venturing into this world and posting videos online as well, but until then if you are interested in connecting with mediators outside your area, visiting YouTube may be a way to start that process.

For an example of one of these videos, called "Fighting Fair", click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7sTu7s-8gg

You can reach the YouTube site at www.youtube.com.

2007-03-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

Musings from the Executive Director’s Chair

At 8:07 p.m. EDT on Tuesday, March 20, Spring arrived in Hampton Roads. Did you hear it? There was almost a collective sigh as the warm temperatures seemed to be a gift from Mother Nature. However, did you notice the moon that night – only a sliver, a sliver of a smile and, it seems, a wink from the planet shining in the “smiley face”. It was wink and a wry smile as if to tell us that we’re not quite done with winter. The cold temperatures and wind of March 21st were the punctuation to that thought.

Change. It is all around us. It is inevitable. And, just like the weather changes second by second, so do our lives.

The last 6 months have been a time of change for the Community Mediation Center as well. In September we said farewell to Bob Glover, the Center’s Executive Director of more than 8 years. At that time, I took over as Interim Executive Director to provide continuity and stability for the Board and staff while a search was conducted for a new Executive Director. Now, the Center has a new Executive Director, Kim Humphrey, who will move us into the future.

This month is my 14th anniversary with the Center and I have seen many wondrous things both personally and professionally. I have worked with many hundreds of people in conflict over these years and it has been very gratifying.

But it takes a great amount of time and patience to work with individuals, businesses, families, and neighbors who just can’t find a way out of their conflict situation. But when they can, it is a magnificent thing to behold.

It has been a great honor and privilege to serve these last 14 years and I look forward to serving people in conflict for many more years to come.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

2007-03-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Mediator Tips
Case Study - Terri Schiavo

I'm sure you all know the case of Terri Schiavo and the controversy surrounding her. However, beyond the question of how to determine whether or not she was alive (in the sense of being aware of her surroundings) and who has the right to decide her fate, there is the question of the conflict between her different families. Her husband was adamant that Terri would have wanted to be pulled off life support while her parents were sure that she would not. This would obviously pose some difficult problems for a mediator who attempted to solve this conflict. Douglas Noll, a full time peacemaker and mediator who has mediated over 1,200 cases, has written an article about how he would handle this problem. Click the link below to see what he says.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/noll23.cfm

2007-03-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Spreading Peace Beyond the Center

I had the great fortune to go to a peace protest this past Saturday in Washington DC. Being an advocate for peace and a peace maker doesn’t just extend to my community; I feel it is my duty to promote peace and non-violence whenever possible. There were two things I observed that I think are relevant to my mediation practice.

1) There were protesters protesting our protest. They were really angry and somewhat violent. Some of them pushed us and spit on us. We did not respond at all, we just kept walking. Peace is a choice. We can make the choice to lay down the fight or not engage in the fight. We see this every day in our practices. Some people are not ready to give up the fight. This is fully in their power to do so, they have to be empowered and educated to the point where they realize they don’t have to fight anymore. We were empowered to let the insults and intimidation roll off of us. It is our job as mediators to help people get to the point where they also can be thus empowered.

2) There was a small mini-rally before the march began. As I was listening to the speeches, some of which referenced the protest protesters, the mediator wheels in my head started to grind. I realized the speakers were just re-iterating positions, and our two separate protests were just two positions clashing, not unlike every mediation I’ve been in. I enjoy exercising my freedoms of speech, but I found the rhetoric and propaganda in the protest to be lacking. What would be more helpful in creating a solution to the problem would be an open dialogue that looks at the interests on both sides of the divide.

Really, yelling our positions at each other doesn't create positive change. We need to tell each other why these things are important to us. I think if we looked at interests instead of positions, we would find that our interests aren’t that far apart, it is our positions that divide us. How many times in mediation have we spent hours going around and around only to find that clients really weren’t as far apart as they thought they were? We could have saved our clients a lot of time if we hadn’t chased their positions around and instead asked why is this important to you? I think this is the type of dialogue that needs to occur surrounding the war. We need to figure out why our positions are so important to us, if we can talk about that, maybe we won’t spend so much time chasing positions around while politicians posture and waste time not creating important legislation.

Mandy R. Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

2007-03-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Training Tips
Negotiating Styles

Note: This exercise, and the list of negotiating styles that go along with it, comes from the blog Online Guide to Mediation, managed by Diane Levin of the organization Partnering Solutions, LLC.

Just like with conflict styles, different people have different kinds of negotiation styles (in fact, there are probably a number of corollaries between the two categories). Again, none of these styles is wrong or bad, but it can be hard to communicate with one another without knowing each person's styles. Three main types of negotiating styles are persuasion, trickery, or force. Here is an exercise to get people to think about their own type of negotiation style:

1. Give each person a partner. Have each participant stand across from their partner and create a line (using masking tape, string, etc.) between the partners.
2. Tell each person that the aim of the exercise is to get their partner to cross the line. If they do, then they are the winner and will receive a prize.
3. Give the partners a couple of minutes to try and get their partner to cross the line.

Inevitably, the majority of participants will try one or both of the styles above. They may try to convince their partner that they are more deserving of the prize (their partner got a prize earlier, they need money to feed their kids and are planning to sell the prize to get it, etc.), which epitomizes the style of persuasion. They may also try to use trickery by telling their partner that they can split the prize while intending to renege or extending a hand as a sign of good faith and then pulling their partner across. Finally, some use intimidation or force to drag or pull their partner across the line.

Typically, the exercise ends with no one getting the money, the participants splitting the money, or one partner winning everything. The one option that would allow both parties to win, having each partner cross the line to the opposite side, is rarely thought of. The reason for this is the same reason people will often get into conflicts, because they focus on how they can win and how their positions are right. It is assumed that there can only be one winner since that is normally how games are played, so each parties interests are ignored, leaving out the possibility of creating a win-win solution. It is a mindset we should get out of if we want to create the possibility for more mutually beneficial solutions.

2007-03-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

Reflective Listening Works!

Recently I had an experience that reinforced how helpful reflective listening is. I was leading a discussion at the Unitarian Church in Norfolk about war profiteering in which several of the participants were very animated, using their time to complain about the state of affairs in the world today and the people they would like to hold accountable.

After the discussion ended, one participant approached me to complain about how I moderated the discussion, saying that I should have kept such "grandstanding" to a minimum. Given that this was the first negative comment I had gotten after three months of leading discussions, I felt it important to understand exactly what his criticism was. I spent about 7 minutes listening to him, pausing only to summarize what he was saying and ask some questions to clarify his interests. As the discussion neared its end, he mentioned how he had planned to not attend another one of these discussions, but because I listened to him, he was reconsidering that position.

Reflecting on this incident later, I realized how much it related to what I have learned at the Center. To some degree I agreed with him about the wastefulness of "grandstanding", but because I tend to approach conflict as an accomodater and compromiser, I let such comments pass and tried to steer the discussion back to more useful topics afterwards. My interlocutor was most likely collaborating or confrontational, and was less willing to put up with such comments. Yet because of reflective listening on my part, I was able to understand his interests and validate his concerns. I hope he decides to join me for the next discussion so that I can try to incorporate his concerns.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

2007-03-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

I am so happy to be part of the dedicated team at the Community Mediation Center.

As a volunteer for the last few years, I have had the opportunity to work with this amazing staff and team from the volunteer prospective. Their passion and dedication inspired me so much that when the full time opportunity to be part of the team arose, I quickly jumped at the chance.

I have now been at the center for over a week and realize how much they accomplish with such a small staff. This is due also to the great team of volunteers and a dedicated Board. In the past week I have met many of you and look forward to meeting more. I truly want to hear your ideas and thank you personally for all you do for the center.

I want to especially thank Karen Richards for her tremendous patience during my transition. I am learning so much and appreciate her sharing her knowledge and experience about mediation and the center. I know the staff definitely admires and appreciates her. She is a highly respected leader and a true role model for the staff and volunteers.

I look forward to seeing you at the center and encourage those who have not volunteered to mediate for the center in a while to do so. We rely on our volunteers and thank you again for everything you do to so support the Community Mediation Center.

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

2007-02-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

Mediator Tips
The Role of a Facilitator

A mediator can be considered a facilitator in a mediation, but the skills used in a mediation can be used to facilitate larger meetings like neighborhood open forums and collaborative geto-togethers. However, the role of the facilitator is somewhat different from a mediator in several respects, largely because the focus of the meeting is often different from a mediation. While a mediation tries to reach an agreement between parties in a disagreement, facilitation tries to open a dialogue between a group without necessarily pushing for a resolution. What is similar is having a discussion where issues are raised and ideas are brainstormed. A faciliator helps this dialogue in the following ways:

Bring focus to the group
Effect change and improvement through team empowerment
Encourage team decision making
Encourage team problem solving
Work for consensus
Group dynamics
Active listening
Clarifying, sharing, disseminating ifo
Organize, handle details, closure

2007-02-22T06:38:00.000-08:00

Retaining our place at the "mediation table"

A recent article in ACResolution Magazine titled "Ensuring a Place at the Table" mentions CMCs are at risk of losing their place at the mediation table because of their overall lack of continuous improvement. The article goes on to mention that CMCs are the most accurate representation of the mediation profession -- most of the remaining practitioners that offer mediation offer settlement conferences instead of true mediation. The article concludes that this leaves CMCs as the trendsetters and primary indicators of the current health and future sustainability of the mediation field. As a CMC, we have to strive to set the bar of mediation practitioners hign and embrace our trendsetting role by continuing to improve our methods, practices, and standards of mediation. If we can continue to do this successfully, we an be sure that in ten years, we will still have an important place at the mediation table.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

2007-02-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

Conflict Resolution Tips
14 Ways of Eliminating Tension in the Home

Conflict Resolution skills are useful tools outside of a mediation setting. It is important that we take these skills out into the world if we are going to effect change on a societal level. Here are a couple tips you can use in your home to reduce conflict before it becomes critical.

Admit your family is less than perfect. It is unrealistic to expect a family life of complete peace and harmony.
Family money problems can be resolved through discussions and compromises between spouses as well as other members of the family unit.
The temptation to acquire material things can be minimized if you build warm and loving relationships within your family.
Parents cannot always subordinate their own needs to their children's needs.
Believe in yourself. The more confident you are, the more effectively you will be able to deal with stress and change in family life.
Develop a dialogue with your family - don't debate with them.
Live from the present to the past. Don't let past experiences inhibit your enjoyment of the future.
Have consistent guidelines for family operations. A family will effectively operate if it has specifically designated goals and encouragement systems.
Hold family meetings. Have a dialogue about whatever problems are facing your family before they build up emotions to an explosive peak.
Stop comparing yourself and your family members with others.
List the things that you are proud of. Make note of the things that distinguish you from others.
Learn to express anger constructively. Be careful not to hurt someone or leave and individual feeling angry or resentful.
Learn to deal with anger. Listen to others with valid complaints, then try to arrive at a realistic compromise.
Keep a list of issues you argue over and arrange the argument generating issues in order of frequency and delicacy.

This list is adapted from the Parent-Teen Mediation Manual put together by the Piedmont Dispute Resolution Center.

2007-02-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Give the process a chance!

I recently led 32 youth in a 2-day, 16 hours, peer mediation training. When we first settled down in the classroom on the first night, I right away noticed two kids in the very back - one with his back to me and the other with his head down on the table. The staff in charge of the kids was very helpful and wanted right away to remove the kids so they wouldn't disrupt the training. They took the kids aside and talked about sending them home. The kids asked to stay...NOW WHAT?

Now, I thought, the real process of change begins! They had made a choice to stay, and that choice had to be recognized! I approached them during our first break, validated their choice to stay, and asked them what their goals were for staying. We talked about their fear to go home and get in trouble for being kicked out. They also wanted to get a certificate of completion. We talked about what it would take for them to accomplish their goal. They brainstormed different ways to behave during the training...does this process sound familiar? Identifying interests, setting goals, brainstorming solutions...

At the end of the training, they were truly the best peer mediators in the class! Trainers should remember that students don't always come to class ready to learn...we often need to help them identify their own interest in the process, before we lose them and their talent!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Director

2007-01-31T07:09:00.000-08:00

Mediator Tips
Collaborative Divorce

If you move around inside the Conflict Resolution world for a while, you are bound to hear the term Collaborative Divorce. Many of you probably already know exactly what Collaborative Divorce is, but for those of you who don't, here is a quick summary.

Essentially, Collaborative Divorce is mediation for married couples trying to get a divorce. Just like mediation, it seeks to avoid the legal system by using a model which encourages dialogue and negotiation in order to reach a solution that benefits everyone. Lawyers trained in Collaborative Divorce are hired to facilitate the process. Below is a good description of Collaborative Divorce taken from the Collaborative Divorce Handbook developed by the organization Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings LLC.

Collaborative Divorce is:

Client centered and non adversarial
Client controlled
Based upon active participation
Based upon constructive communication
Designed to foster a safe working environment
Educates the clients
Focuses on the needs and interests of the clients
Requires the consent of each client

Collaborative Divorce requires each client sign an agreement that:

They will not undertake contested court procedure during the Collaboration
Undertaking any contested court action terminates the Collaboration
Upon termination of the Collaboration, the aligned Collaborative professionals are prohibited from participating in contested court actions between the participants

The Handbook contains a lot more useful information about Collaborative Divorce. Those interested in learning more would be wise to check it out.

2007-01-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

Mediator Tips
Additional Resources

Part of being an effective mediator is keeping up with new developments and techniques in the mediation world. There are several organizations that work specifically within the Alternative Conflict Resolution world, both in Virginia and the nation at large. Keeping in touch with them can help you stay apprised of ways to improve your own mediation skills. Additionally, using these resources can help you network with mediators across the U.S. Below are the names, phone numbers, and websites of several of these organizations.

Association for Conflict Resolution
202-464-9700
www.acrnet.org

Supreme Court of Virginia Department of Dispute Resolution Services
804-786-6455
www.courts.state.va.us/drs/main

Virginia Mediation Network
888-506-4VMN
www.vamediation.org

The Virginia Alternative Dispute Resolution Joint Committee
804-377-8515
www.vba.org/comm/adrjtcom.htm

American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution
202-662-1680
www.abanet.org/dispute/

National Association for Community Mediation
202-667-9700
www.nafcm.org

2007-01-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

The outcome isn’t always the most important thing

This might be a surprise, or unbelievable to anyone who has not participated in a mediation session, but mediation clients agree that they are satisfied even when they DON’T reach an agreement. Agreement rates are just one way to measure success in the mediation process. Although 60-80% of people reach agreement at Community Mediation Center (depending on the complexity of the issues), more than 91% report that mediation was helpful.

Case in point – Recently a business owner called and asked for a mediation appointment. He explained that he participated in mediation with a customer a few years ago and so he knew to call. When his original file was pulled we discovered that the agreement he reached wasn’t entirely in his favor. In other words, it was clear from his agreement that he had made some concessions that he originally wasn’t interested in making. After calling him back to confirm his new mediation appointment I asked, what made him willing to try mediation again. He replied that the process was so smooth he couldn’t understand why anyone used the court. In fact, even in making concessions he like he was part of the process and satisfied with the outcome.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

2007-01-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

Trainer Tips
Study Circles

Study Circles are used in group discussions. While they are not mediations, they are a good place for you to practice your reflective listening skills as a facilitator. The purpose of a study circle is to help individuals gain "ownership" of an issue and empower them to solve the problem. Often the process will involve several study circles being put together over the course of 3 to 6 months. Each session involves the following sections:

Welcome and introduction
Ground Rules
Discussion
Summary and Common Ground
Evaluation

Does any of that seem familiar? It should, as it is similar to the way a mediation is run. The main difference, of course, is that study circles are not based on coming to an agreement; they are based upon researching and discussing the issues to raise awareness of the perspectives on it, the problems associated with it, and the ways to move forward. However, just like in mediation, a facilitator must use their reflective listening skills (reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, shifting focus, using silence, and using non-verbal signals). Below are a couple attributes found in a good facilitator:

Neutrality
Helpfulness in setting up ground rules and enforcing them
Asks probing questions
Helps identify areas of agreement and disagreement
Appreciate all kinds of people
Committed to democratic principles

2007-01-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

Mediator Tips
Negotiating with Terrorists

An odd title for a mediator tip, I admit. However, it is a particularly relevant topic for this era of terrorism, and thinking about it can provide some insights into how to mediate with people who are normally intractable or who you consider to be morally repulsive.

According to Roger FIsher and William Ury in Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, negotiating with terrorists is generally a desirable path to choose. They claim that even making statements like "We will never negotiate with terrorists!" is technically negotiation inasmuch as you are trying to influence their behavior. However, they say that the more communication there is, the more likely a positive solution will be reached. If issues of personal safety can be resolved, it makes sense to talk with terrorists, as if you have a good case you are more likely to persuade them to come to your position.

Negotiation does not mean giving in; one is not legitimizing kidnapping or other terrorist behavior. But talking may convince a terrorist that they will not receive a ransom and it may also be possible to learn of some legitimate interests they have so a solution can be reached where neither side gives in.

While Fisher and Ury do not recommend talking in every case, they say that it is important to consider the alternative to negotiation. If the alternative is war or some kind of action that could lead to numerous deaths, the question needs to be asked as to whether the costs of the alternative are desireable over negotiation. In fact, they claim, often times war is an act within a negotiation to persuade the other side to give in, albeit a generally inhumane and, in the long term, ineffective tactic.

In conclusion, both Fisher and Ury say that no one is beyond negotiating with. Whether the opposing party is a dictator like Hitler, a religious zeleot like Osama Bin Ladin, or just a disgruntled citizen like those at Waco or Columbine, it is worth considering negotiation as an alternative to violence.

2007-01-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

The Egg Story

The co-parenting training class includes a discussion of anger and how anger can cause people to do things they would not normally do. I use the egg story as an example of how people change when anger takes control of their emotions.

It’s about a dad, angry that the divorce is final, angry that his children are no longer in his daily life and angry that he lived in a tiny apartment, while his ex- lived in what had been their 10-room house.

One night, the anger so filled him that he had to do something physical. So he put on his old military field jacket, stopped by the grocery store to buy some eggs and dog treats, and walked the mile into his old neighborhood with the eggs in one large pocket of his jacket and the dog treats in the other pocket.

He knew the neighborhood and the shortcuts and the darkest part of his former yard. Climbing over fences, he moved closer to the house, greeting the dogs and offering treats. He positioned himself in his former yard, listening to the sound of crunching in the yards around him. He threw the first egg and heard a gratifying smack as it hit the house. Then he quickly threw the rest, his heart racing with excitement. The euphoria lasted just a few seconds, and then he realized he had to get out of the area, but he couldn’t run because the dogs would start barking. So he carefully re-traced his route, handing out treats and being as quiet as possible.

Back at his tiny divorce apartment, he waited for a knock on the door. Surely someone had recognized him and called police. No one came. A few weeks later, he had another anger attack and completed another successful egg expedition. And no one knocked on the door.

While buying eggs and dog treats for a third launch, the rational side of his brain overtook the anger side. How stupid he was, his rational side reasoned. The last thing his children needed was to see was him, on the ground outside their house, being handcuffed by police. Surely he didn’t want his ex to his arrest as an example that he was a bad person. And how would an arrest impact on the ability to see his children, even if it was every other weekend.

So the angry dad returned the eggs and dog treats to the shelf and went home. From then on, whenever anger tried to overwhelm him, he got on his bicycle and went for a brisk ride—away from his former neighborhood. The physical exertion released the anger and left him too tired to walk to his target.

I know the details of this dad, because the angry dad was me. For 18 years I kept the secret of the egg attacks from my children. No reason to upset them. Then in October 2005, I had an opportunity to see them all at the same time. The four of us had not been together in nearly two decades. I flew to Seattle and during lunch at the Space Needle, I talked about anger and what it does to people. Then I revealed the secret of the egg story. They howled with laughter. All of them remembered the house being egged. Their mom thought it was neighbors, upset at her for divorcing me. Well, she was partly right. My children said they would not tell their mother who really egged the house. Let her think it was angry neighbors. Whenever I hear about someone injuring or killing others in a blind rage, I think to myself: Thank goodness all I did was egg a house. And I smile.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services