Children of Divorce

I often ask myself why I teach the Saturday morning Co-Parenting class. Not being a morning person, it is difficult for me to get up at 6:30 a.m. I'm not very comfortable talking in front of groups. Yet here I am, on a Saturday morning, waiting for the parents to arrive and wondering if I am going to do a good job for them. Then I remembered a phone call from a young man I have known for years.

He began talking about his growing up time. "It seems everything was normal and we were a happy family," he said. "Then there was a lot of arguing and yelling. It was a very stressful situation and it was not pleasant. I did not know why my parents fought, but it went on for years." He talked about his parents' separations. His father was gone, then home, then gone, then home and finally out of the house for good. And in between, there was tension and arguments that drew him and his siblings into the fight. "No one told us what was going on," he continued. "I just remember there was a lot of anger."

We talked for a few minutes and when the conversation was finished, I told him the same thing I always tell him at the end of our phone calls. "I love you, Thom," I said. "I love you, too, dad," he replied.

I reflected on my son's comments as I watched an Ophra Winfrey special on children of divorce. Parts were very difficult to watch and tears welled up in my eyes. I heard a noise behind me and turned to see two Center staff members dabbing their eyes with tissue. The separation process can be very painful for children and leave them damaged as adults. Co-parenting classes had not been invented when I went through the process. I may have done things much differently if I could have attended a class that talked about communicating with children, not arguing in front of them and not blaming the other parent for all that went wrong in the relationship. Why do I teach the Saturday morning Co-Parenting class? Partly as an atonement for putting my children through the hell of my divorce. But mostly because I have an opportunity to reach out and help parents not make the same mistakes, and to keep their focus on their children, not on themselves or the other parent. From time to time I reach a mom or dad and I know I have made a difference in their lives and the lives of their children. It's still painful, but maybe I have helped them think about what they are doing and how it is affecting their children.

The parents in this class have registered, paid their class fees and have settled in the training room, nervous and not knowing what is going to happen to them. I take a deep breath, gather myself for a moment, walk into the room and stand before them. "Good morning, parents!", I say. Another Saturday morning parenting class begins. And I know why I am here.

Chuck Hardwick

The Pervasiveness of Conflict Resolution

It's been about a month and a half since I left the Center but the topic of conflict and conflict resolution has yet to disappear from my routine. Among the everyday reflective listening skills and I messaging that I do, it has also become a topic of study for me within my philosophy MA program.

The Boston College Philosophy Department holds a graduate conference every year and I am helping to put the next one together. Lo and behold, when I got on the committee, it turns out the topic is "violence and non-violence". While in the conference description we have steered clear of the word "conflict" (since we recognize, as the Center teaches, that not all conflict is bad), our discussions have inevitably come back to the topic itself. What is at the root of conflict? Is conflict the end of all things, or can it be removed from experience? Is philosophical reflection a type of conflict? How, if possible, does conflict shape cultural experiences like sexism and racism?

On a fundamental level, this shows something that the Center tells every trainee that comes through - conflict is everywhere and is something that you will have to deal with constantly, so be prepared. However, I think there is another message to take away. That is, the levels on which conflict exists are more than just our everyday experience (such as dealing with our co-workers). Conflict exists fundamentally on an intellectual and a phenomenological level (the latter being the level consisting of intuitions and unconscious reactions which shape our perceptions of experiences before we conceive them). A complete understanding of conflict should consider what is means on these levels as well. I don't yet have an answer, but I am going to submit a paper for the conference, so hopefully I'll gain a better understanding before the year ends.

Nathan Eckstrand