The art of mentoring
No matter if you became a mentor because it was a natural progression, or you just needed the class for recertification credits – you’re a mentor. We teach the parents in our Cooperative Co-Parenting workshops, simply having a child does not make you a good parent… it takes work. The same principle can be applied to being a mentor. Mentoring can be tough, draining, nerve racking. At the same time though, it’s rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting to see new mentee mediators blossom into well rounded and thoroughly thinking conflict resolution service providers.
If you’re a mentor, remember to stick to the basics. Make the mentee feel comfortable by introducing yourself and showing them around the courthouse or Center. Be sure to get to know them, what they want to practice in the session, and what kind of feedback they’ve received before from other mentors. Use your mediation skills to coach the mentee on specific steps you expect to see from them! Yes, mediation skills can be used in and out of the mediation…
Finally, when it’s time for debriefing, keep it positive. Now, I know you’re thinking of the most difficult mentee you ever worked with and are saying to yourself, “How can I keep THAT positive?” Well, it certainly isn’t easy, but you’ve gotten out of tough mediations before & this is no different. Try to say at least one or two good things for ever thing they should change. When you tell your mentee something to change, offer a few suggestions & even model the behavior or example how you would have said it in the mediation room. Lastly, ensure the mentee has the opportunity to give you feedback. This makes the process feel more equitable, plus you’ll get to learn something new about yourself and your mentor style which could potentially lead you to being the best mentor you can be.
Amanda Burbage
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Mediator Tips
Identifying Interests
Identifying interests goes a long way towards allowing for a satisfactory resolution to a mediation. Interests are the root reasons why a party or participant wants things in a specific way, but they are not always aware of them or willing to state outright what they are. More often than not, the parties will state their position and attempt to justify it. As a mediator, you should be ready to bring out their interests using specifically tailored questions.
Language that indicates positions are things like this:
Identifying Interests
Identifying interests goes a long way towards allowing for a satisfactory resolution to a mediation. Interests are the root reasons why a party or participant wants things in a specific way, but they are not always aware of them or willing to state outright what they are. More often than not, the parties will state their position and attempt to justify it. As a mediator, you should be ready to bring out their interests using specifically tailored questions.
Language that indicates positions are things like this:
- "I have to do X because…."
- "I cannot do X because….."
- "I’m really concerned about…."
To get to the interests, ask questions like:
- "Tell me why you need . . . .?"
- "Could you tell me a little more about your reasons for . . . .?"
- "Help me understand…?"
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Learning to build trust
Trust is a very important aspect of mediation. Often times the emphasis on trust is for the mediators to build trust and rapport with the parties. Building this trust enables parties to feel more comfortable with the often new process of mediation. Although this bridge of trust is very significant, it is equally as important for the parties to build trust for the mediators. The lack of trust can frequently lead mediations back to litigation. In one of my first mediation experiences, there was little (if any) trust built between the mediators and the parties. Although the case did not reach an agreement and went on to arbitration, it was a great learning experience. Trust such an important factor in mediation and can easily prevent reaching the ultimate goal and meet the expectation of both mediators and parties in dispute.
Kim Hopwood
Training Director
Trust is a very important aspect of mediation. Often times the emphasis on trust is for the mediators to build trust and rapport with the parties. Building this trust enables parties to feel more comfortable with the often new process of mediation. Although this bridge of trust is very significant, it is equally as important for the parties to build trust for the mediators. The lack of trust can frequently lead mediations back to litigation. In one of my first mediation experiences, there was little (if any) trust built between the mediators and the parties. Although the case did not reach an agreement and went on to arbitration, it was a great learning experience. Trust such an important factor in mediation and can easily prevent reaching the ultimate goal and meet the expectation of both mediators and parties in dispute.
Kim Hopwood
Training Director
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Mediator Tips
Valuing Diversity
Dealing with diversity can be a tricky issue in mediation. While pre-judging and generalizations can be useful tools, when they develop into stereotypes they inhibit one's ability to understand each disputant's interests. The definition of a stereotype is as follows:
Valuing Diversity
Dealing with diversity can be a tricky issue in mediation. While pre-judging and generalizations can be useful tools, when they develop into stereotypes they inhibit one's ability to understand each disputant's interests. The definition of a stereotype is as follows:
Fixed inflexible notions about a group that block the ability to think about people as individuals.
In order to overcme this problem, we all must learn to stand back and listen without putting your own judgement into play. Mediation allows us to “hear” people and not assume they are all coming from the same place. The more comfortable people are learning about others the more empowered they feel, as they don’t feel challenged to change.
Encouraging appreciation of diversity is a good tool to remember, as by recognizing the value of group differences a common ground between disputants can be found.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Never judge a client by their body language
Never assume the outcome of a mediation solely by the body language of participants. I learned this when I co-mediated a case involving two mothers whose boys were playing when one injured the other. Each parent brought in several people for support and the two groups sat in separate clusters, arms folded, glaring at each other in silence. "This is never going to happen," I thought to myself.
We asked each parent to bring a family member into the mediation room, where things got off to a rough start. The mother of the injured child spoke first and in telling her story, her voice grew louder. The other parent interrupted, refuting the facts. They continued talking at the same time, neither listening to the other as each raised her voice to talk over the other.
My co-mediator, a retired military member with the booming voice of a Marine Corps drill sergeant, let the shouting continue for what seemed like several minutes, but probably was only a few seconds, spoke up. "TIME OUT!", he commanded. The clients immediately disengaged from each other and looked at us. The mediator lowered his voice and began asking specific questions to each parent. I began to do the same. It was almost as if we had rehearsed our response.
The tactic drained the anger and tension out of the room. We learned that while these parents lived in the same neighborhood, they did not know each other and had not spoken to each other in the months since the accidental injury. Each had had a lot of time to think about the incident, and to let their anger build. The mother of the injured boy was suing for out-of-pocket medical expenses not covered by her insurance. Once we got past the emotion, the story began to unfold as each parent talked about what had happened and their response to the incident. The mother of the boy who injured the other apologized. The other parent accepted the apology and acknowledged that it was an accident and not intentional. After that, we got down to the business of how the medical costs would be repaid.
After the mediation, I was emotionally drained, but felt good about the outcome. We can't always get clients to agree, but it helps when we don't make assumptions before the mediation begins.
Chuck Hardwick
Never assume the outcome of a mediation solely by the body language of participants. I learned this when I co-mediated a case involving two mothers whose boys were playing when one injured the other. Each parent brought in several people for support and the two groups sat in separate clusters, arms folded, glaring at each other in silence. "This is never going to happen," I thought to myself.
We asked each parent to bring a family member into the mediation room, where things got off to a rough start. The mother of the injured child spoke first and in telling her story, her voice grew louder. The other parent interrupted, refuting the facts. They continued talking at the same time, neither listening to the other as each raised her voice to talk over the other.
My co-mediator, a retired military member with the booming voice of a Marine Corps drill sergeant, let the shouting continue for what seemed like several minutes, but probably was only a few seconds, spoke up. "TIME OUT!", he commanded. The clients immediately disengaged from each other and looked at us. The mediator lowered his voice and began asking specific questions to each parent. I began to do the same. It was almost as if we had rehearsed our response.
The tactic drained the anger and tension out of the room. We learned that while these parents lived in the same neighborhood, they did not know each other and had not spoken to each other in the months since the accidental injury. Each had had a lot of time to think about the incident, and to let their anger build. The mother of the injured boy was suing for out-of-pocket medical expenses not covered by her insurance. Once we got past the emotion, the story began to unfold as each parent talked about what had happened and their response to the incident. The mother of the boy who injured the other apologized. The other parent accepted the apology and acknowledged that it was an accident and not intentional. After that, we got down to the business of how the medical costs would be repaid.
After the mediation, I was emotionally drained, but felt good about the outcome. We can't always get clients to agree, but it helps when we don't make assumptions before the mediation begins.
Chuck Hardwick
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Mediator Tips
Courtroom Ethics
When mediating in court, it is important to know the rules and laws that govern a mediator’s behavior towards people being mediated. While a certified mediator has civil immunity from prosecution under the law, there are a number of ethical guidelines a mediator must follow. Such guidelines are:
Courtroom Ethics
When mediating in court, it is important to know the rules and laws that govern a mediator’s behavior towards people being mediated. While a certified mediator has civil immunity from prosecution under the law, there are a number of ethical guidelines a mediator must follow. Such guidelines are:
- Mediators are prohibited from compelling or coercing parties into settlement agreements.
- Mediators have an obligation to be free of conflicts of interest ( this means clearing any conflict of interest by disclosure and/or consent of the parties not provided for).
- Mediators are prohibited from disclosing one party’s confidential information to the other.
- Mediators are prohibited from making observations regarding the conduct and demeanor of the parties and their counsel during the mediation.
Keep these in mind when mediating at court so that you can live up to your potential as a mediator.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Mediation Frustration
Recently, the mediation services area has been somewhat busy lately. In trying to expand our services to different areas of Hampton Roads, we have run into several bureaucratic obstacles. Unfortunately, these obstacles only hinder the important role that mediation plays in the criminal justice system.
Mediation is an opportunity for people to use self-determination to resolve conflict, and it can be of great assistance to the justice system. Alternative Dispute Resolution is an avenue of gaining justice that will leave all parties feeling heard and empowered. Unfortunately, the justice system cannot meet everyone’s needs, as adjudication rarely allows for restoration or vindication and almost every court case will leave someone feeling like something else is needed. Plaintiffs and defendants often need someone to understand that their ordeal is frustrating and that they are hurt.
Despite the care and detail that is put into writing the law, a judge only makes decisions on what the law says is just, which does not necessarily reflect what is fair. A judge looks at case law and statute, not at long hours of work, tears, shouting matches, and destroyed relationships. Mediation provides what the judge cannot, an opportunity to look at what is fair and just and a place to discuss what the law does not and cannot take into account. It is for this reason we want to provide mediation as a valuable addition to the typical legal process. It is important that the criminal justice system does not see people as merely a docket number but as individuals going through a difficult time and in need of help.
Mandy Stallings
Recently, the mediation services area has been somewhat busy lately. In trying to expand our services to different areas of Hampton Roads, we have run into several bureaucratic obstacles. Unfortunately, these obstacles only hinder the important role that mediation plays in the criminal justice system.
Mediation is an opportunity for people to use self-determination to resolve conflict, and it can be of great assistance to the justice system. Alternative Dispute Resolution is an avenue of gaining justice that will leave all parties feeling heard and empowered. Unfortunately, the justice system cannot meet everyone’s needs, as adjudication rarely allows for restoration or vindication and almost every court case will leave someone feeling like something else is needed. Plaintiffs and defendants often need someone to understand that their ordeal is frustrating and that they are hurt.
Despite the care and detail that is put into writing the law, a judge only makes decisions on what the law says is just, which does not necessarily reflect what is fair. A judge looks at case law and statute, not at long hours of work, tears, shouting matches, and destroyed relationships. Mediation provides what the judge cannot, an opportunity to look at what is fair and just and a place to discuss what the law does not and cannot take into account. It is for this reason we want to provide mediation as a valuable addition to the typical legal process. It is important that the criminal justice system does not see people as merely a docket number but as individuals going through a difficult time and in need of help.
Mandy Stallings
Cultural Differences
I’ve been a mediator with the Community Mediation Center for about six years now. I have mediated hundreds of cases of all different types. However, I had a new experience this week that refreshed some things for me. I observed a Child Dependency Mediation that involved a mother who is Vietnamese and speaks limited English. The parties present at the mediation included the mother, the Social Worker, an in-home therapist, the Guardian ad Litem and the Vietnamese interpreter.
The subject matter itself was intense. The mother and the Social Worker and the therapist were there to find ways to work together so that “mom” could retain custody of her children and avoid putting them in foster care. The Guardian ad Litem was there to look out for the children’s best interest. Clearly those two sides did not always see eye to eye. The real challenge came when cultural issues arose. The interpreter that was there, a Vietnamese man himself, quickly turned into an advocate for the mom instead of the translator that we had anticipated. The had long dialogues back and forth, him trying to help her understand, not only in word but in meaning, what the other parties were asking of her in terms of the care of her children. Issues were raised such as having a Vietnamese therapist for the children and the mother’s opposition to putting one of her children on medication for ADD. These appeared to stem from her cultural beliefs according to the interpreter.
It is important for us as mediators to set our own cultural views and stereotypes aside to some extent and stop and think who our clients are in a mediation. Are they young or old? White or black? From the North or South? Married or single? Although not all of these issues are cultural, these are just a few of the characteristics that make up a person and influence there decisions. Just something to think about.
Sara M. Foote
I’ve been a mediator with the Community Mediation Center for about six years now. I have mediated hundreds of cases of all different types. However, I had a new experience this week that refreshed some things for me. I observed a Child Dependency Mediation that involved a mother who is Vietnamese and speaks limited English. The parties present at the mediation included the mother, the Social Worker, an in-home therapist, the Guardian ad Litem and the Vietnamese interpreter.
The subject matter itself was intense. The mother and the Social Worker and the therapist were there to find ways to work together so that “mom” could retain custody of her children and avoid putting them in foster care. The Guardian ad Litem was there to look out for the children’s best interest. Clearly those two sides did not always see eye to eye. The real challenge came when cultural issues arose. The interpreter that was there, a Vietnamese man himself, quickly turned into an advocate for the mom instead of the translator that we had anticipated. The had long dialogues back and forth, him trying to help her understand, not only in word but in meaning, what the other parties were asking of her in terms of the care of her children. Issues were raised such as having a Vietnamese therapist for the children and the mother’s opposition to putting one of her children on medication for ADD. These appeared to stem from her cultural beliefs according to the interpreter.
It is important for us as mediators to set our own cultural views and stereotypes aside to some extent and stop and think who our clients are in a mediation. Are they young or old? White or black? From the North or South? Married or single? Although not all of these issues are cultural, these are just a few of the characteristics that make up a person and influence there decisions. Just something to think about.
Sara M. Foote
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