Tales from the Shopping Zone

As the Holiday shopping season moves towards its frenzied, frantic conclusion, here’s a story that shows the value of communication and conflict resolution skills.

My husband was perusing the aisles of one of our local big box retailers. While surveying some electronic gadgets, his attention was drawn to the employees in that section. It seems someone in the “back” had been trying to reach these employees on the floor via a very quiet telephone. When no one answered, the “walkie-talkie” communication became loud and intense. This was soon followed by the person from the back coming to the employees and loudly berating the one for not answering the phone. Explanations seemed only to escalate the anger and one employee was heard to comment on the sanity of the “yeller” and leave. The other employee, at whom the tirade was directed, noted that the conversation should be moved away from the customers. But this didn’t seem to deter the angered employee who continued until running out of steam.

What was going on here? From my husband’s perspective as the “observer” in this conflict situation, the employee had really “lost it” to the point of reacting inappropriately in front of customers, probably loosing some who don’t like that kind of confrontation.

Certainly, there can be many explanations to why this interaction escalated to this point – what we call the interests (reasons) under the position (the anger at not answering the phone). And in the pressure of the holiday shopping season tempers can be short.

But this situation also shows how building anger manifests in the most inappropriate ways and times. And that people tend to loose all self-awareness when this happens. Folks need to find a way to vent that steam in a positive way.

One tool people can use is I-messaging. In I-messaging, a person takes on the responsibility for the communication and the emotions involved in the situation. In an I-message, the speaker identifies the emotion they are feeling as well as the situation that is upsetting and explains why they are upset. Here’s a possible I-message to the above situation: “I am unhappy (emotion) when no one answers my page (situation) because my supervisor was upset with me for not getting the information to her more quickly (reason).”

So before you head to the “yelling zone”, take a deep breath and think about what you are about to do. Try and I-message and see if you can find your way to the peaceful side of your dispute.

Happy shopping and Happy Holidays!

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Circle Chart

Roger Fisher and William Ury, authors of the book Getting to Yes, recommend using a strategy called the Circle Chart as a way of helping people to brainstorm options during the Generating Options phase. They identify four different types of thinking during this phase that generally occur one after another. The first type of thinking about a particular problem, including the factual situation you dislike. The second type of thinking is descriptive analysis, where you sort the problems into categories and tentatively suggest causes. The third type of thinking involves considering, in general terms, what ought to be done. The fourth type of thinking is identifying some specific and feasible suggestions for action. Fisher and Ury suggest asking yourself the following questions when going through each phase:

1. The Problem

• What's wrong?
• What are the current symptoms?
• What are disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation?

2. Analysis

• Sort symptoms into categories.
• Suggest causes.
• Observe what is lacking.
• Note barriers to resolving the problem.

3. Approaches

• What are possible strategies or prescriptions?
• What are some theoretical cures?
• Generate broad ideas about what might be done.

4. Action Ideas

• What might be done?
• What specific steps might be taken to deal with the problem?

Meditor Tips
Substantive vs. Relationship Issues

To solve disagreements, a good working relationship needs to be established apart from the issues being discussed in the mediation. A poor working relationship with an unfair balance of power tends to lead to one party unnecessarily conceding too much or one side trying to force a concession through threats ("If you really cared for me, you'd do this"). In either case, the problem is unlikely to go away while the bad relationship exists. When considering what is substantive and what is relational, consider the list below.

Substantive Issues
- Terms
- Conditions
- prices
- Dates
- Numbers
- Liabilities

Relationship Issues
- Balance of emotion and reason
- Ease of communication
- Degree of trust and reliability
- Attitude of acceptance or rejection
- Relative emphasis on persuasion or coercion
- Degree of mutual understanding.

To try and build a good relationship by negotiating the relationship. Raise the issue of your concerns about their behavior and discuss it like you would a substantive issue while avoiding judgement. Instead, explain your perceptions and feelings and inquire about theirs; of necessary, come up with some external standards and fair principles to judge behavior. Also, distinguish how you treat them from how they treat you. You should make sure that you are acting fairly even if they aren't; trying to 'teach a lesson' won't solve the problem. A good relationship can be built even if the problem is not solved.

World Demographics

Why is focusing on the underprivileged so important? There are obvious reasons that are continually repeated, such as the right of everyone to have basic human rights. However, it helps to get some perspective from time to time, as the need to pull the underprivileged out of poverty is not only a matter of principle, but a matter of necessity. Consider these facts:

If the world's population could be reduced to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look like this:

• 60 Asians, 12 Europeans, 14 Africans, 8 Latin Americans, 5 US Americans and Canadians
• 49 would be female
• 51 would be male
• 82 would be non-white
• 89 heterosexual
• 11 homosexual
• 33 would be Christian
• 67 would be non-Christian
• 5 would control 32% of the world's entire wealth, and all of them would be US citizens
• 80 would live in substandard housing
• 24 would not have any electricity (and of the 76% that do have electricity, most would only use it for light at night)
• 67 would be unable to read
• Only 1 would have a college education
• 50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply
• 1 would have HIV
• 1 would be near death
• 2 would be near birth
• 7 would have Internet access

Within the context of these statistics, our work and the work of other non-profits/charities could not be more important. If society is to survive in the next century, we are going to need dialogue between the diverse groups above along with a more equitable distribution of wealth and physical necessities. As you do your volunteer and charity work, remember these statistics. I know I will.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Mediator Tips
Standards of Fairness

Standards of fairness will often differ among mediatees. Indeed, it is often this conflicting standards that causes conflict. In a mediation of arbitration, one of the steps you can take to help elicit interests is to make clear what each parties standards are. An example of how standards conflict between parties may have to do with what each party considers just in a conflict over custody. The father may say that each parent should have equal custody over the child since each one makes up 50% of the child's parents. However, the mother may say that she deserves more or full custody because she has spent more time with the child, done more to raise the child, and is more experienced in child care. Making clear these standards can be an important step to getting to an agreement.

However, it is not necessary for the parties to reach a 'best' or 'unified' standard of fairness. To focus on this, and pushing the parties to come up with one, is probably a dead end and will make the parties dig their heels in over their position. Instead, knowing standards is a tool that may help the parties reach an agreement. Understanding and discussing standards may help the parties narrow the range of disagreement and allow the parties to find some common ground to build upon. It may also provide an area that the parties will be willing to compromise on.

As with anything in a mediation, don't press a specific set of standards for the parties to follow. You may suggest some standards for them to consider, but make sure that they both embrace those standards before using them in developing solutions.

Visiting New Orleans

From November 13-17 I was in New Orleans as part of my Americorps training. In addition to going through lectures and training sessions on what it takes to be an Americorps volunteer (which was somewhat boring, although there were a few good speakers), the other trainees and I took time to visit some of the sites hit hardest by Katrina.

New Orleans is one of the saddest yet most beautiful places I’ve ever been. While there we were able to visit areas that were severely impacted by the storm and the people who were still there. After fourteen months, many people are still unable to return to their homes because of the damage from the storm and inadequate reconstruction efforts. I felt like I was visiting a third world country; the devastation was disgusting.

Additionally, the “in your face” racism and segregation was hard to swallow. We visited the home of former Klan member David Duke and were reminded by the guide that in his Senate race he received over 30% of the states’ vote. There are laws in counties that are over 70% white that only allow residents to rent out to blood relatives. New Orleans was “bad” before, but now it’s even worse, and so few people care. By the end of the week I was physically and emotionally exhausted.The sites we were able to visit left me with feelings of hope and despair. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the images I saw or feelings I felt, but I feel like this trip has changed me forever.

Heather Mathews
Americorps Member

Mediatee Tips
Determining if your dispute can be mediated

While most kinds of civil disputes can be mediated, certain nonviolent criminal cases (such as verbal harassment and destruction of property) and cases that aren't proper for court can be mediated. That is, interpersonal disputes between roommates, coworkers, and others which don't have any sort of legal remedy can be solved via mediation. For example, if two housemates are arguing over how to maintain the household and are unable to solve the problem themselves, then mediation is a valuable tool that can help the housemates solve the problem while maintaining their relationship.

The most common cases for mediation are civil disputes, including family conflicts. This includes disputes over custody and separation, property disputes, contract disputes, landlord-tenant problems, employee-employer conflicts, neighbor-neighbor conflicts, and many more.

When considering whether your case is right for mediation, ask yourself if any of these statements apply to you:

- The law cannot provide the remedy you want

- You want to end a problem, not a relationship

- Your dispute is no one else's business and you want to keep it that way

- You want to minimize costs

- You want to settle the dispute promptly

- You want to avoid establishing a legal precedent

- You are having difficulty initiating negotiations, or lack negotiating skills

Hearing one another

I have been a certified general and family mediator for almost 7 years; however, I recently sat on the other side of the table as a mediation participant. My husband and I have separated and we chose to participate in mediation to attempt to resolve some of our disputes. Our mediator was incredibly professional and followed the process throughout. This experience renewed my belief in the power of mediation. It truly does help people to “hear” one another - even when they disagree.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Competence

Parties going through mediation have the right to know their mediators' qualifications as a mediator as well as what the requirements for becoming certified as a mediator. While the vast majority of mediators who have gone through the certification process are qualified, if the parties do not have faith in the mediators themselves then it will be hard to convince them of the benefits of mediation. As a result, make sure you have information about your qualifications for parties that request it; not just the certification process but how much experience you have had. Be prepared to discuss your qualifications with the parties if they are curious as to what makes you a good mediator. Make sure the parties are satisfied before starting the mediation.

Mediatee Tips
Preparing for a Mediation: Review Paperwork

If you are going to be a party in a mediation, begin preparing for your mediation by reading the rules that will govern your mediation. Most mediation services will send you a set of rules when your mediation is scheduled; if you don't get a copy, request one. Rules cover things like when and how fees are to be paid, procedures to be followed, and the degree to which the mediation will be considered and kept confidential. Here are some examples of rules that you will probably encounter:

• Evidence rules: Given that mediation is not a courtroom matter, the limits on types of evidence you can use don't apply in mediation. However, since some parties may want to bring in outside witnesses or present documents, it will be up to the mediator to decide what can be let in.
• Pre-mediation memorandum: This is a written statement for the mediator explaining your version of the facts and issues involved in a dispute. This is not always necessary.
• Confidentiality: Since the information that comes out in a mediation can be of a highly sensative or personal nature, confidentiality is essential in allowing each party to speak freely. As a result, all mediators are required to keep everything said private except in a few circumstances (which will be explained to you before the mediation). The only thing that will go back to court - if the case is court referred - is the agreement that was reached.

There are other rules that you will want to be aware of; however, if you don't have time to read through them comprehensively, the mediator will explain the important ones to you before the mediation begins.

Positions vs. Interests in Pop Culture

Listening is so important but identifying and acknowledged a person’s interest is a critical component to effective conflict resolution. I was recently reminded of this concept.

I was watching an episode of “The Cosby Show”. Bill Cosby’s character, Cliff, had borrowed his neighbor’s power drill and misplaced it in the house. When the neighbor came to reclaim his tool, he commented on how he knew he could trust Cliff to take care of his tool. Of course, Cliff now had to admit he had lost the tool and he apologized. His neighbor was distressed and began talking about how the drill had been his father’s and that whenever he used it, he was reminded of his father and the good times they had had together. Cliff was silent and the neighbor then did what so many others do when they don’t feel heard – he became more agitated, raised his voice and began complaining about other, unrelated issues, in this case that Cliff had potentially overcharged in delivering this neighbor’s children. When Cliff offered him a new drill, the neighbor got angrier and walked out.

It all made for good comedy but this situation illustrates a fundamental principle in conflict resolution that we often overlook – identifying and acknowledging the interest behind the position. On the surface, it might seem that this “Cosby Conflict” was about a lost drill. However, just below the surface, also called the position, lies the interest which was the strong sentimental value the drill held for the neighbor and the loss of trust with Cliff.

A simple acknowledgement of those two issues would have calmed the neighbor down and begun to pave the way for a solution.

On the show, Cliff finds the drill and takes back to his neighbor but in real life that happy ending doesn’t always occur.

So, remember that conflict is rarely about the position -- the “drill” or the “money”. It is about the interest and the emotions that lie under the position. You may need to look deep but the reward will be a calming of the situation and a peaceful resolution.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
Closure

Whether the parties reach an agreement or not, you need to bring it to a close. This means first of all, summarizing and reviewing what happened in the mediation. State in a neutral way what the parties shared and the positions and interests each person expressed. Make sure that all parties are clear on the next steps, whether that means going back to court to solve the problem or how the agreement reached will be carried out.

If an agreement is reached, you should congratulate the parties for their work and recognize the courage they showed in finding a way to solve their problem. Go over the agreement point by point to make clear exactly what they all agree to do. Have both parties sign it and sign it yourself. Make copies for them so that they will know what the agreement was. Finally, shake hands and escort them to the door.

What is an at-risk youth?

At-risk youth is a term that gets used a lot...when we train at-risk kids in conflict resolution, we have to be aware of certain emotional and developmental characterists they share:

1. Devalued-self: Ongoing experience with violence and/or neglect leaves child with a devalued sense of selfThe child believes others will eventually reject him/her, based on personal experience. Before being rejected, child will reject adult first to avoid getting hurt.

2. Self-efficacy – one’s belief about his/her own ability too learn new things. At-risk youth are not confident in his/her own ability to learn. Therefore, it is safer for them to “pretend” not being interested to avoid looking like a fool.

3. Delayed gratification is the ability to work toward a goal and wait for its rewards. At-risk youth have a history of anger and frustration, which lowers their ability to be patient and work toward a goal. Constant genuine praise is a MUST!

4. Concrete Learning: Violence, neglect, frustration and anger delay a child’s ability to think in an abstract manner. At-risk youth need concrete examples in order to learn – lots of activities and role plays, instead of lectures!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Coordinator

Listening in Real Life

The more I teach effective conflict resolution the more I understand the benefits in real life terms. Hardly a day passes without using reflective listening, reframing, open ended questions and brainstorming. Without these skills life would be too hard. This is my blog message today – make your life easier. Be a better communicator. Keep in mind, it’s not all in the way you talk (the words you choose, your tone, the frame you put around your ideas, casting blame), it is also in the way you listen. Prove to people through your body language and your spoken word that you’ve truly understood their feelings and their facts. Don’t separate the emotion, that’s the most important part in helping people vent.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Solving Ethical Problems

Occasionally when doing a mediation you may be put into a situation where several ethical rules come into play. As a certified mediator, you need to be aware of these rules so that you know how to act responsibly. To work your way through the ethical dilemma, follow the steps below. After you read through the steps, try solving the hypothetical ethical dilemma described at the bottom.

1. Define the problem carefully.
2. Determine what ethical rules govern the problem.
3. If the applicable rules appear to provide conflicting guidance:
   - Rank the sources of the ethical rules, and see if any have higher precedence than the others
   - Determine where the crux of the conflict lies (sample questions to ask yourself) to generate possible options:
   i. Is the circumstance not appropriate for mediation?
   ii. Are you unable to mediate the situation, but another mediator who is differently positioned could?
   iii. Can the situation be overcome ethically by informing the parties, and obtaining their consent to proceed?
4. Ensure that solutions to the problem are:
   - Within the ethical rules too (i.e. do not compromise a second ethical rule in order to solve the initial problem)
   - Supported by logical rationale
   - Mindful of public policy
   - Implemented in a professional manner

Hypothetical Ethical Dilemma:
You are mediating a case between a dry cleaning business and a consumer. The consumer indicated that she had two Sunday jackets that she uses to sing in the church choir which were damaged by the cleaner and she wants the cleaner to pay for their replacement, $ 120 each. The cleaner says that her standard policy is to pay $ 35 for each garment of this type in a claim. In looking at the jackets it is hard to detect exactly how they are damaged. In a caucus the consumer tells you that the jackets do mean a lot to her, but she bought them at a sale for about $ 50 each. Back in regular session, the mediator asks the consumer why the jackets are so important to her. She replies that these jackets are the last two gifts her husband gave her before he passed away. What should the mediator do?

Suggested Response: The mediator should once again caucus with the consumer to clarify what she had disclosed. If the mediator determines there is a lack of good faith then the mediator should consider terminating the process.

What we have here is a failure to communicate


I'm standing at the base of the Space Needle in Seattle, WA with my adult children, Mindy, Thom and Becca. Before being allowed on the express elevator (500 feet in 41 seconds), we have to see the man behind the desk about our reservation. Our name is not on the list. The conversation goes like this:

Mindy: "I thought you made the reservation, Thom."
Thom: "I tried, but I didn't have a credit card, so I asked Dad to make the reservation."
Dad: "Becca told me you made the reservation, Mindy."
Becca: "No I didn't."

We had this conversation about three times, before the man behind the desk began laughing. It's okay, he said, they were not busy and we could go up to the restaurant. We were seated within a few minutes. A Wednesday afternoon in October is not exactly prime tourist season for Seattle. If it had been prime tourist season, the lack of communications between four adults might have resulted in an awkward situation and lunch about 3 p.m., if we could get in.

Whenever I teach the parenting class, one sticky point that always comes up is a lack of communication between the parents. A lot of emotion is usually involved and it's sometimes difficult to talk to each other, even about mundane things like pick up and drop off times for the children. Communication isn't always about talking to each other. Those situations can be resolved by working with a third party or using a notebook that includes special instructiions for medicines, homework assignments or piano lessons. Using a notebook helps communicate important information. It's important that everyone knows about visitation schedules, support payments and other details of adults involved in seperation.

That information should be shared with children, to help make them feel a little more assured that they will have time with each parent. Children need structure and routine and they need to know when they will be with each parent.

Perhaps the most important communications link is between parent and child. Children do not have a voice in the seperation process. Their lives are simply turned upsidedown by adults making drastic, and sometimes sudden, decisions. How parents communicate what is happening depends on the age of the child. But even young children notice the changes and ask questions. This is not a time to bash the other parent as the reason for the seperation. Even a simple statement like, "Your mom and I are not going to live together, but I will still be in your life" can be reassuring.

A young woman reflected on her experience when her parents seperated when she was 6. Two people I really loved, my dad and brother, were simply gone, she recalled. Then there was a new man in the house and we moved 1,200 miles away. Nobody would tell me anything. My dad wasn't there to tell me what was happening and my mom wouldn't talk about it at all. It was very confusing and painful. The young woman is my daughter, now 25. Her recollection is going to translate into a strong statement in the parenting classes to sit down and communicate with children, regardless of age.

All this writing and memories of the good food in Seattle is making me hungry. I think it's my turn to make dinner reservations.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
After Brainstorming

After you brainstorm some options, there are a couple things you can do to help participants reach an agreement. These tips are taken from the book Getting to Yes, which discusses negotiation tactics.

1. Star the Most Promising Ideas: Ask the participants which options they think are the most promising. Remember, you are not at the decision stage yet, just at the point where the most promising ideas are winnowed out.

2. Invent Improvements for Promising Ideas: Take one of the promising ideas and discuss ways to improve it to make it better and more realistic, as well as ways to carry it out. The point of this is to make the idea as attractive as possible.

3. Set up a time to evaluate ideas and decide: If a solution can not be reached in that particular session, it may be necessary to break up and have each participant look over the solutions by themselves. Before you break up, draw together a list of the most promising ideas in their revised form. Then, decide when to meet again and how much time individuals should spend thinking about the ideas.

Mediator Tips
The Opening Statement in an Arbitration

Mediation and arbitration are based on some similar principles, but the decision making process in each is very different. As a result, the opening statement in arbitration will focus on different points compared to that of mediation. Below are some tips to keep in mind when doing an introduction to arbitration. Also, click here to learn more about arbitration.

• Welcome the parties and thank them for using arbitration.
• Administer the Oath of Participant and confirm the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• State you will not disclose details of the case to anyone except, possibly, to the CMC staff for administrative purposes.
• Disclose conflicts of interest or prior experience with either of the parties, and ask if they know of any conflicts of interests.
• Confirm both parties have the right to an attorney.
• Explain that you may curb irrelevant or repetitious testimony.
• Request the parties agree to demonstrate common courtesy and refrain from interrupting each other during the hearing.
• Explain you will maintain control of the hearing.
• Notify the parties you will be impartial and will not express opinions or react emotionally.
• Explain that you will keep the hearing focused on issues in the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• Explain the decision is binding, and confirm the parties understand what that means.
• Explain you will be submitting your Decision and Reasons for Decision to the CMC within the next 5 days, and they will mail a copy of those documents to each party.

Keeping the Center sustainable

A question we often ask ourselves here is how to keep the Center sustainable. That is, how can we make sure that we can continue to do all that we are currently doing? Ultimately, this is where the Center’s outreach program is useful. Making connections in the community, sending out word of our services to newspapers, and putting up booth displays are all ways in which we spread the word about the Center and maintain sustainability.

While it may sound like sustainability is just retaining all the business we have, it is really about making new business connections as well. Contracts end and training programs are finite affairs, so when we fulfill one contract with an organization it is important that we have another organization that we can offer our services to next.

Over the years, the Center has done a good job of not only being sustainable, but increasing its capacity as well. I hear stories from older staff about how when the Center started there was only one full-time position and only a handful of volunteers. Additionally, the Center’s only purpose was to provide mediations to clients. Over time the Center has expanded its staff to around 8 full-time staff, 4 Americorps volunteers, and several interns from the community, and increased its services to include certification training, presentations to local businesses and community groups, arbitration, and youth programs. As Bob Glover used to say, we are in the business of conflict resolution.

The Center’s work to maintain sustainability is not as visible as the services that it maintains, but it is always on the minds of those who work here. Hopefully, the continued work we do will be as successful as it has been in the past.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

"Let there be Peace on Earth..."

“Let there be Peace on Earth and let it begin with me” intrigued me the first time I heard it. I wondered how could little ole me promote Peace on Earth?! I certainly could not see myself starting a world wide peace movement, HA!

Certain words or statements defining peace triggered the “ah ha!” response in me. Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, indicates “peace” to be commonly understood to mean the absence of hostilities. The definition goes further to include “freedom from disputes; resolution; non-violence; harmonious relations and the absence of mental stress or anxiety … as the meaning of the word changes with context.”

These descriptions seem to me to be part of the foundation for the process of mediation which offers the service of facilitation to assist others to discuss their conflicts and to agree on ways to resolve them. Even when parties are not able to come up with a resolution, they usually comment that they appreciate the process of attempting to handle their conflict through the process of mediation rather than violence or other types of disruptive behavior.

As I embrace the notion of promoting peace on earth through mediation, each session has an added sense of purpose. It is an opportunity that empowers all involved to promote better human relations by choosing to handle disputes in ways that promote harmony and respect.

I see no world peace movement leader in my future; however, in my own special way as a mediator, I can promote and practice Peace on Earth.

Peace,
Lucretha D. Hyman
Mediator

Mediator Tips
Financial Considerations in Family Mediation

Family mediations will often have to deal with the issue of child support, which means that money will be a factor that comes into play. In order to get a comprehensive view of each person's finances, there are several questions a mediator must get an answer to and several subjects that must be discussed. Examples of both follow:

1. Support Guideline
   a. Income of parents
   b. Health Insurance
   c. Extraordinary medical expenses
   d. Child care expenses
   e. Proportionate shares
   f. Who pays and when?
2. Reduction when child is with other parent?
3. Income Tax exemption: who will take it?
4. Medical care not covered by insurance
   a. Who will decide?
   b. Who will pay and how much?
5. Life insurance - Is the purpose for the policy to cover support in case of death of parent? With current life insurance polices, who is the beneficiary? Who is the owner? What type of policy – term, whole life or universal?
6. College
   a. Expectation of parents
   b. Expectation of children
7. Remember to get Social Security numbers and date of birth for both parents.

There are other questions that will arise as these questions are answered, but making sure that these topics are covered is a first step towards building an understanding of the financial issues involved in the mediation.

Working with Volunteers

We are a Community Mediation Center, which means we use volunteers from the community to do the majority of the interaction with clients. This is great because it allows us to do more than we could with our small staff, and it also allows the community to develop a passion for its own well-being.

The bad part is that volunteers choose when they are able to help, which sometimes means there are holes that have to be filled. As one of the staff persons that works with volunteers, this can be really frustrating. It is hard to strike a balance between respecting a volunteer's time and pressing them to get the job done. I never want to make a volunteer feel guilty for having a life outside of our center; I also never want them to feel underappreciated. At the same time, it is important they recognize that being a volunteer comes with certain obligations, as the Center relies on volunteers to do our work. As we often say, "Volunteers are the heart of the Center."

When volunteers cancel last minute or do not show up for their obligations they leave other volunteers, as well as our clients (which include the courts), in the lurch. It does not make us look good to have to explain to a judge the reason why there was no mediator in court is because our volunteer did not show up, and also to explain why we didn't know in advance. If this were a staff person, there would be a reprimand, but with a volunteer, what reprimand can you give? This person is giving you their precious time- can you really reprimand them for choosing (albeit at the last minute) to not give you their time? It is time freely given.

This scenario, in various forms, happens about 3 times a month, which has led us to evaluate the way we use volunteers and also our volunteer program. We are looking at ways to make our program more effective so that volunteers are not put in a frustrating place, and neither are we. This is a difficult task because we have such an established set of volunteers who may be resistant to change or may feel slighted. It is difficult territory to manage volunteers; however, the payoff for our center and community is usually well worth it. Volunteer management also gives us an opportunity to grow and to hone our communication skills.

Mandy Stallings

Why I work at the CMC

Hello, my name is Benita Stinson and I am a senior at Old Dominion University. I am majoring in Human Service Counseling. Many people wonder why individuals choose majors that do not lend themselves to significant financial gain. I would say, for me, it is the opportunity to help individuals become empowered to lead better, more productive lives and to recognize that they hold the keys to their success. I guess that is my personal informal mission statement and the reason I chose the Community Mediation Center as my internship site. I am really impressed with the work it does in the community, especially for at risk-youth and families who have been displaced.

This summer I had the pleasure of facilitating a peer mediation class for youth participating in the city of Norfolk’s Youth Employment Program. The participants met four hours once a week for the month of July. This was my first experience utilizing the skills I learned in the General Mediation and Peer Mediation classes. I am very pleased to say that thanks to the training I received from the Center, I was well prepared to facilitate this class. The format of the class was very inviting to the participants because it allowed them to build on their natural ability to make great choices, understand and respect others, and learn healthy ways to deal with conflict instead of using violence. It was a valuable opportunity for me to use the knowledge I obtained from the center and my academics to help others. It also allowed me to observe how youth responses to conflict can change immensely when they implement conflict resolution skills as their primary strategies.

The students not only walked away with the power to be productive community members, but also with the tools to craft a great future for themselves!

Benita Stinson
Intern

Mediator Tips
Helpful Phrases in Mediation

Do you ever feel stuck in a mediation, like you don't know what words to use to summarize what the client is saying? It can happen to anyone; the important thing is to not let it unnerve you. Most likely, if you wait a minute, something will come to you to ask. However, it can be helpful to know certain phrases that can come in handy during a mediation. Below are several examples:

• “What I understand you both to be saying is…..”
• “Maybe the two of you could discuss …”
• “what do you want to do about this?”
• “Both of your concerns…”
• “I hear you want… What are some of your choices now?”
• “Have you thought about, or have you talked about…”

There are certainly many more than this. Build your own list of phrases that you can rely on in a mediation.

Mediator Tips
Preparing for a Mediation

It is important that you talk with your co-mediator about how you are going to do the mediation. For example, you should divide up the introduction; each person should have several sections. Next, figure out who is going to take the lead first in the generating options part. That is, who is going to ask the first question and which mediatee is it going to be directed to.

Different mediators have different styles of mediating. Make sure you discuss how you mediate with your partner beforehand so that you can create a collaborative approach that allows both of you to function at your best without stepping on each others' toes.

Also, the setup of the room is important. You should know how many mediatees you have ahead of time and should place the chairs in such a way that the parties, who may be quite hostile towards one another, are not in adversarial positions, but are facing the mediators (although they should not be turned away from each other either).

The more communication there is between you and your co-mediator, the better the mediation will go.

My name is Heather and this is my first blog. As the new Youth Program Coordinator, I was asked to submit a little something to the company website. I have been trying to come up with a few wise words for your reading pleasure, oh…the pressure!

I’m currently a senior at Old Dominion University under the Human Services curriculum with a special focus on children. A lot of people associate “Human Services” with “Human Resources”, there is a huge difference. Under the Human Services program I have focused on courses in Counseling, Sociology, Child Welfare, Grant Writing, and Communication. I love serving the community and I’m grateful for the opportunity to work with an agency that has such an ethical and impeccable reputation.

I have been away from the typical office setting for about three years and was a little nervous about the comeback. Although I consider myself a Rookie at the CMC, I already feel at ease. A CMC staffer is consistently available to answer questions, address issues and listen to suggestions. I’m eager to learn everything I can about the center, its’ team, the programs we offer, and the people we serve.

Thank You!

Heather M. Mathews (with one t)
Youth Programs Coordinator

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Mediator Tips
Writing the Resolution

Hopefully, your mediation will end with a resolution. However, to keep the parties from returning, a good resolution must be several things. First, it should be simple so that all parties can easily understand what it says. Second, it should be specific as to who does what and when they do it. Ambiguity can lead to more disagreements. Third, it must be balanced so that everyone is doing something. Fourth, there should be a universal consensus about the agreement; that is, everyone must agree to all parts of it. Finally, it needs to be practical. If an agreement asks the near impossible, it is unlikely that the parties will be able to hold to it and will slide back into conflict. Make sure to ask them if they feel they can do what they've agreed to.

Here are some helpful tips for writing a resolution:

• Offer an opening statement to frame the agreement but leave it up to them if they wish to use it or not.
• Use the parties’ names in the agreement and identify their relationship, i.e. John and Mary have a landlord-tenant relationship. Alternate names throughout the agreement.
• Use the parties’ own words as much as possible. Don’t add issues that they did not discuss in session.
• Add in any positive emotions from the session but don’t make any up. If there weren’t any “warm and fuzzies”, don’t add any.
• Avoid ambiguous terms such as "reasonable" or "soon" and don’t use any legal terminology, unless directed to and/or under the guidance of a court.

Back to School with Peer Mediation

As summer comes to an end, and students head back to school, let’s look at Peer Mediation as an alternative to Conflict Resolution. Conflict is something that occur everyday, to all people, whether it is good or bad. How one chooses to resolve conflict will determine the outcome. Peer mediation is one solution that students can use to problem solve, and resolve conflicts. Peer mediation is a learned skill that can be used throughout life.

Let’s establish what conflict is. What exactly does the word conflict mean? The Community Mediation Center defines conflict as controversy or disagreement. What are some words that student’s think of when they hear the word conflict? All students have situations that they deal with on a daily basis, but they do not use the word conflict. Conflict is described as a physical fight, a verbal confrontation, an emotional problem, name-calling, cultural bias, discrimination issue, and any disagreement between two or more people; all of which students will experience while in school. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing; it could mean revealing things in order to show there is no problem at all. Peer Mediation allows problems to be identified and bring about change for the good.

Most students do not know how to deal with conflict; their way of resolving conflict is usually through physical or verbal fighting. Though they may get their point across, this is not a solution to the problem. Physical fighting or verbal exchanges only lead to more problems.

Determining how to deal with conflict can be complicated when students are involved; this is when School Administration needs to introduce Peer Mediation. Do to the pressures of student life, which include peers, athletic teams, neighborhoods, race, family, and a number of other factors, students will attempt to resolve conflict based on what they have learned from these influences. Some students do not know how to deal with conflict because they have not been taught correctly. Let us begin to change the disciplinary procedures in the school setting, by starting with Peer Mediation, after all in the adult profession world we are not sent to the boss or sent home (for 10 days) for everything that goes on in the workplace.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth Outreach

Mediator Tips
How to help generate options

Generating options is an important part of the process because of its transformation of participants from a mindset of talking about what happened to them into a mindset of thinking constructively about what to do about the problem. If done correctly, participants will move beyond their initial positions and think about what they can do to help the problem. Below are some tips you can use to make the generating options process a success.

• Use a flipchart to help the parties brainstorm possible solutions. Remember to help them think “outside of the box.”
• Feelings that surface may indicate other concerns that have not been addressed. More storytelling may be needed.
• Manage positional thinking by referring back to their reasons for choosing to mediate. "We've come a long way from the beginning of the session, are you still willing to look for a mutually satisfying solution?”
• Mediators may give "what if" scenarios to do reality testing on suggestions.
• Be willing to accept that not all parties are ready to resolve at the same time.

Mediator Tips
Conflicts of interest

The mediator has a duty to remain free from conflict of interest that could in any way affect the ability of the mediator to conduct a neutral and balanced process. Since it is important that the parties trust the mediator, talking about conflicts of interest- if any- is important for the mediation process.

Among the things a mediator must disclose are any current, past, or possible future representation or relationship with any party or attorney involved in the mediation. Additionally, any financial interests relevant to the mediation must be disclosed. Finally, any and all disclosures should be made as soon as possible after the mediator becomes aware of the interest or relationship.

After appropriate disclosure, the mediator may serve if the parties so desire.

"It takes a community..."

There is an ongoing debate in the field of psychology about the merits of treating an individual without treating the entire family. Is it possible to truly change one person's behavior without also changing his or her community?I believe that, when we teach conflict resolution skills to at-risk youth, we face the same dilemma...During training, these kids show an incredible ability to learn CR skills to resolve issues - they are assertive, caring and inquisitive. However, it is not an easy task for them to translate those skills into behaviors that would work in their community - family, friends, neighbors! Of course we need to keep on teaching these kids how to best deal with conflict without the use of violence, but how wonderful it would be if we also addressed their community!

Andrea C. Palmisano
Youth Program Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles

Here's a useful tool that we use at the Center in our trainings to help people understand the causes and mannerisms of conflict. It is a way of measuring the various ways in which individuals handle conflict, and it categorizes them into 5 different types: competing, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and accomodating. Here are their meanings:

• Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win."
• Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay."
• Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground."
• Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win solution."
• Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield."

People don't fall into only one category, but rather have a grade in each. For example, someone can have a high number in competing and compromising, a middle number in collaborating, and a lot number in accomodating and avoiding.

As a mediator, it is important to understand this chart and use it in a mediation to figure out how your various clients deal with conflict. Once you understand how they will deal with conflict, you can work with them to reach a solution.

What to do When Clients Cry

Recently I had a series of mediations and co-parenting classes in which clients cried. I always feel awkward when that happens. Do I offer a tissue or wait? If I am sympathetic, does the other party think I am being partial? Am I doing something wrong that evokes strong emotion? Not necessarily.

My first encounter with a client who cried occured when I was a mentee. The mom burst into tears. My mentor sat and did nothing. I realized there was no tissue on the table, so I waited, too. There is so much bottled up emotion, that it comes out as part of the mediation process. Mediation is not therapy, but sometimes it feels like therapy. Finally, a person who was with the woman handed her a tissue. She gathered herself and we went forward.

In a co-parenting class, a young woman was talking about being in rehab, and things she was doing to regain custody of her child. One of the requirements was to attend the class. In the middle of her statement, she stopped, and began to weep. I waited, tissue box on my training table. Finally, another parent grabbed a tissue, handed it to the young woman, and said, "You should be proud of what you are doing." Other parents echoed the same thought. The class brought her out of it, not me. The support should come from her peers.

Another mediator told be about a session in which both parents cried, but not at the same time. "Crying is not a sign of weakness," she said. "It's just strong emotion, and once that emotion is released, the clients are ready to move on and talk about their issues."

It's difficult to face a client who is crying and do nothing, because we don't want to appear cold and unsympathic. It's just human nature. But sometimes not taking action is the best thing we can do, because the client must find the strength and composure to get on with the business of a busted relationship. And sometimes it is even harder for us not to also cry. I am tearing up now. Anyone have a tissue?

Chuck Hardwick

Mediation skills are universally applicable

You never know when mediation skills will come in handy. On an almost daily basis in my family I use my reflecting, empathy and good listening skills to try and squash arguments, resolve misunderstandings and clarify information to help make decisions.

I have found that children quickly catch on to using I-messages. For example I told my four-year-old son (who had not put his shoes on after I asked him way too many times) "I feel fustrated when you don't listen to me." Later on he told his brother (who was ignoring him in the car)"I feel fuss-stated when you don't listen to me."

Don't forget your mediation skills in your everyday life. You don't have to save them for the mediation room, they work wonders everywhere.

Sara Foote

The Passion of Conflict Mediation

Conflict Resolution is something that requires passion. Here's what I mean: Growing up in this American culture we are not taught to be effective communicators or good listeners. Usually, our goal is to win and therefore we are considering our own response while others are speaking to us. What a difference it can make to use paraphrasing and reflective listening! However, using these tools is a choice - one that requires a steadfast diligence. It is surprising the number of changes that would occur in this world if we were taught from the start to use reflective listening and I-messaging. Plus, when you "do" conflict resolution people often look to you for answers. If I had a nickel for every time someone said "mediate me," I would be rich! The point here is that once you know and use the skill there is no down time, no time to turn it off. That's why it takes passion - to keep up the pace. Sure, you can set boundaries or opt out of a conversation, but deep down people that know and use conflict resolution and effective communication skills have a duty to change the world. At the Community Mediation Center, staff and volunteers change the world every day. Yes, I get tired, but when I look around at the faces of training participants, or when I read the testimonies of mediation clients, my passion gets refilled.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Assessing a Trainee

Judging a trainee's performance is a significant part of the training process. Trainees know the process of mediation in an academic sense, but only have a very little practical mediation experience through their observations. A trainee needs to start developing their own style, and it is up to the mentor to provide a good critique of their performance and encourage them in what they did well. Think about these questions when giving feedback to your trainee.

Introduction: Did the trainee clearly and thoroughly articulate
their role, explain the process, invite you into the
process and/or adequately explain the consent form?

Storytelling: Did the trainee listen reflectively which would include
non-verbal communication, clearly identify issues and
subsequently paraphrase appropriately?

Options: Did the trainee assist the parties in prioritizing, testing
and evaluating their ideas? Did the trainee make
suggestions without imposing a particular solution?
Did the trainee utilize effective strategies to keep the
parties focused (i.e. flip chart, enforcing ground rules)?

Resolution: Did the trainee assist the parties in framing their
agreements both verbally and in writing? Did the
trainee validate each point of agreement with each
party? Did the trainee incorporate the parties words
and feelings into the written agreement? Did the trainee
review the agreement and remind the clients of their
right to legal counsel before signing?

Effective Public Participation

The Center often gets involved in community projects when they compliment the Center’s mission. When a play about child abuse came through, the Community Mediation Center helped to organize and provide facilitators for a round table discussion about the issues brought up by the play. The Center has also facilitated discussions regarding the effects of Hurricane Katrina.

Currently I am working on a project called Effective Public Participation, a group that is working to increase the ability of individuals in the Hampton Roads community to get involved in the decision making process. Basing our work on the work of groups like America Speaks and Voices and Choices, our group has just finished developing its guiding principles and is looking for feedback.

For those who don’t know, Public Participation is a way of bringing together government leaders, individuals, and interest groups to have a discussion regarding important policy decisions. At every step, from discussion to the developing of a plan that incorporates people’s concerns, everyone is consulted to provide comments and critiques. Tools used by Public Participation groups include Town Hall Meetings, where small groups discuss the issue and present reports back to the larger group, Strategic Planning, where each group will be encouraged to explore their ideas in terms of the utility and practicality, and Citizen Engagement Consulting, where individuals are trained in public participation skills, facilitation, and ways of coaching others.

Our group is still in its infancy, but is working hard to develop a framework specifically tailored to the Hampton Roads community. If you are interested in learning more about this group and reading the principles, click here. After all, the more of the public that participates in this effort, the more effective it will be.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Filling out the evaluation

You’ve mediated a long and difficult case that just can’t find common ground. The case must be sent back to the judge. The clients are edgy and in a hurry to leave. You might even feel guilty about not getting an agreement. Sitting in front of you is the dread, two page Client Evaluation. How can we ask these impatient clients to fill out yet another form? What works for me is, before I leave the mediation room to make copies and notify the court, without missing a beat, to place the evaluation in front of the clients and say “the Supreme Court requires that all parties in mediation complete this evaluation. I hate to give you more paperwork, but this will be carefully read by the Supreme Court and acted on if there are any problems reported”. I then quickly explain how to complete the form, then leave. If someone asks, “do I have too”, I reply “yes” without hesitating. The key is to remember that filling out the evaluation is the necessary next step to the client’s seeing the judge and not an option. Smile, it’s only paperwork. Good luck.

Ken Ferebee

Mediator Tips
How to do a successful introduction

The Introduction part of the mediation is, above all, a way of setting the tone of the mediation and putting the clients at ease. If the clients are still anxious or hostile, it will not be an easy mediation. Here are some of the things that go into a sucessful mediation:

- Introduce youself and the clients– ask them how they would like to be addressed?

- Welcome the clients and thank them for coming.

- Ask whether everyone who is involved in the conflict is here. If not, ask if you should proceed?

- Logistics
- How much time does everyone have?
- Does anyone have time constraints?
- Restrooms; water; coffee
- Paper and pen for parties to take notes
- Take breaks as needed
- If in court – if an agreement is reached, no one will have to go back to court

- Explain Mediation
- The judge referred the mediation to give you an opportunity to try to reach a resolution yourselves
- How is mediation different from court
- An opportunity to communicate in a different way from in the past
- Voluntary
- Confidential, with exceptions
- Self-determination
- Mediators are impartial facilitators
- Mediators do not give legal advice
- Mediation works in a wide variety of casesand has good success rate
- Mediation can help you begin a more constructive process of communication
- Steps of the process
- Consulting attorneys is encouraged if desired

- Screening (in Family Cases)
- Introduce the idea
- Ask who would like to go first
- Screen each individually, and if there are questions about domestic violence, make a decision about how/whether to proceed

- Agreement to Mediate Form
- Give copies to all parties to read
- Summarize or highlight certain areas by paraphrasing
- All parties and mediators to sign form

- Ground Rules
- Sometimes people find it helpful to set guidelines for communication
- Give examples (e.g. one person speak at a time; take breaks when needed)
- Are there any guidelines that would help either of you in this mediation?

If you cover all these bases in a comprehensive manner, making sure that all parties understand what is going on, you will have carried out an effective introduction.

Structure can be Effective

I recently conducted a study based on the work I have done with the Community Mediation Center, my survey was intended to include Community Mediation Center’s questions as well as those calculated by me designed at answering my research questions in an effort to gain an understanding of why peer mediation is not being used in the disciplinary setting. When the survey was given, some of the following comments were made: “no one wants to participate”, “who’s going to be in charge”, and “it will only cause more confusion”.

The survey population consisted of 9th -12th graders located in Norfolk, Virginia, the principal who initiated the program, along with educators; counselors and administrators who participated as observers during training.

This survey was an effort to gain an understanding of students, teachers, counselors, and administrators’ thoughts of a peer mediation program in a school setting. The Findings and Discussion address these questions. “I believe that peer mediation works”; was the first question addressed. Eighty-five percent of the participants believe that peer mediation works, and the participants who did not agree that peer mediation worked based their answers on not enough participation from other students and or staff. However, when asked if they would be willing to learn more about implementing a peer mediation program at their school and participate in a staff or student training the percentage rate dropped.

In an attempt to gain knowledge into how students and administrators felt about peer mediation and the disruption it causes if any to the classroom, I asked the question “I believe that peer mediation would interrupt class time. The difference in the answers was dramatic, with more than 50% of the students replying that they disagreed that it would cause interruption; while more than 50 % of the administrators replying that it would cause interruption.

However, when the question was asked "I believe that peer mediation can work through a structured peer mediation program", more than 75% replied with strongly agreeing. Both students and administrators agree that their school could benefit from a peer mediation program in response to question two.

In connection with the previous question, more than 50% of the participants believe that their school did not have too many students or too many problems in order for peer mediation to work. However, more students believe they could work their problems out through peer mediation while a large percentage of teachers and administrators strongly disagreed.
We frequently think that teachers, administrators, and students exist in completely diverse worlds. Though they all have differences, their opinions are similar in being positive towards peer mediation. A majority of both groups believe in peer mediation; however they believe in order for it to work it must be structured properly. They also noted that peer mediation would be beneficial in their school and should be used as a form of conflict resolution. Undoubtedly, on the other hand, judging from those who responded to the questions on structuring and their role, the majority believes that peer mediation takes dedication and structure from all students, administrators, and teachers; and a majority are willing to participate if everyone is willing to work.

It would seem that because most teachers, administrators, and students all agree that some form of discipline must be used, they would consider peer mediation because it could change the atmosphere of the school. In my opinion I think that a peer mediation program should be instituted into every school setting, so students could gain conflict skills to last them a lifetime. In addition, this would cut down on the suspension rate, keep students in school, and create dialogue.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth & Community Outreach

Mediator Tips
Mentoring a Trainee

Remember your trainees are fresh out of the Basic Conflict Resolution Skills Training Course and they are looking for the model they learned there. If your style diverges from the model taught in the class, be sure to give your trainee a heads up. Let them know if you do not ask which party wants to go first, or if you do not ask the parties to set ground rules. This will help the trainees learn about different styles and also help them avoid confusion during the mediation.

The Status of Mediation in Virginia

Recently, I attended an intensive, day-long training for area mediators on child support and spousal support issues. It was great seeing lots of old friends. Having been involved with mediation since 1993, it makes me feel good that so many folks that I have trained have moved on to become certified mediators. But what really struck me was the number of new, eager faces in the room. It seems that mediation is “alive and well” in Virginia and that the citizens of the state have many capable people to assist them in finding a peaceful resolution to conflict. Whether it is dealing with difficult family situations (such as divorce, custody, visitation or support), sticky landlord-tenant issues, tough neighborhood disputes or confusing business-consumer problems, there are highly qualified and dedicated mediators (many of them volunteers!) ready to help. And that is comforting to know.

Karen Richards

Mediator Tips
The Importance of Practice

Just like riding a bike or learning to swim, mediating takes practice. Some may take to it more quickly than others, but always it requires that one continually keep in shape. That is one reason the Virginia Judicial System requires that mediators be recertified every couple of years, and thus why the Center offers recertification classes on various topics.

The best way to get practice is to try reframing, summarizing, etc. in everyday life. When talking to a friend, instead of trying to think of something to say in response to what they are saying, practice summarizing what they said and how they feel. Use the transformative approach. Thus, if a friend is talking about a run in he or she had with their old barber, say something like "So, I hear that you are happy because you got to connect with someone who you had lost touch with."

Mediation is a fascinating topic with many different aspects and avenues for learning. It is worth studying these avenues and keeping them in practice. You will be a better mediator because of it.

The art of mentoring

No matter if you became a mentor because it was a natural progression, or you just needed the class for recertification credits – you’re a mentor. We teach the parents in our Cooperative Co-Parenting workshops, simply having a child does not make you a good parent… it takes work. The same principle can be applied to being a mentor. Mentoring can be tough, draining, nerve racking. At the same time though, it’s rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting to see new mentee mediators blossom into well rounded and thoroughly thinking conflict resolution service providers.

If you’re a mentor, remember to stick to the basics. Make the mentee feel comfortable by introducing yourself and showing them around the courthouse or Center. Be sure to get to know them, what they want to practice in the session, and what kind of feedback they’ve received before from other mentors. Use your mediation skills to coach the mentee on specific steps you expect to see from them! Yes, mediation skills can be used in and out of the mediation…

Finally, when it’s time for debriefing, keep it positive. Now, I know you’re thinking of the most difficult mentee you ever worked with and are saying to yourself, “How can I keep THAT positive?” Well, it certainly isn’t easy, but you’ve gotten out of tough mediations before & this is no different. Try to say at least one or two good things for ever thing they should change. When you tell your mentee something to change, offer a few suggestions & even model the behavior or example how you would have said it in the mediation room. Lastly, ensure the mentee has the opportunity to give you feedback. This makes the process feel more equitable, plus you’ll get to learn something new about yourself and your mentor style which could potentially lead you to being the best mentor you can be.

Amanda Burbage

Mediator Tips
Identifying Interests

Identifying interests goes a long way towards allowing for a satisfactory resolution to a mediation. Interests are the root reasons why a party or participant wants things in a specific way, but they are not always aware of them or willing to state outright what they are. More often than not, the parties will state their position and attempt to justify it. As a mediator, you should be ready to bring out their interests using specifically tailored questions.

Language that indicates positions are things like this:

• "I have to do X because…."
• "I cannot do X because….."
• "I’m really concerned about…."

To get to the interests, ask questions like:

• "Tell me why you need . . . .?"
• "Could you tell me a little more about your reasons for . . . .?"
• "Help me understand…?"

Learning to build trust

Trust is a very important aspect of mediation. Often times the emphasis on trust is for the mediators to build trust and rapport with the parties. Building this trust enables parties to feel more comfortable with the often new process of mediation. Although this bridge of trust is very significant, it is equally as important for the parties to build trust for the mediators. The lack of trust can frequently lead mediations back to litigation. In one of my first mediation experiences, there was little (if any) trust built between the mediators and the parties. Although the case did not reach an agreement and went on to arbitration, it was a great learning experience. Trust such an important factor in mediation and can easily prevent reaching the ultimate goal and meet the expectation of both mediators and parties in dispute.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Valuing Diversity

Dealing with diversity can be a tricky issue in mediation. While pre-judging and generalizations can be useful tools, when they develop into stereotypes they inhibit one's ability to understand each disputant's interests. The definition of a stereotype is as follows:

Fixed inflexible notions about a group that block the ability to think about people as individuals.

In order to overcme this problem, we all must learn to stand back and listen without putting your own judgement into play. Mediation allows us to “hear” people and not assume they are all coming from the same place. The more comfortable people are learning about others the more empowered they feel, as they don’t feel challenged to change.

Encouraging appreciation of diversity is a good tool to remember, as by recognizing the value of group differences a common ground between disputants can be found.

Never judge a client by their body language

Never assume the outcome of a mediation solely by the body language of participants. I learned this when I co-mediated a case involving two mothers whose boys were playing when one injured the other. Each parent brought in several people for support and the two groups sat in separate clusters, arms folded, glaring at each other in silence. "This is never going to happen," I thought to myself.

We asked each parent to bring a family member into the mediation room, where things got off to a rough start. The mother of the injured child spoke first and in telling her story, her voice grew louder. The other parent interrupted, refuting the facts. They continued talking at the same time, neither listening to the other as each raised her voice to talk over the other.

My co-mediator, a retired military member with the booming voice of a Marine Corps drill sergeant, let the shouting continue for what seemed like several minutes, but probably was only a few seconds, spoke up. "TIME OUT!", he commanded. The clients immediately disengaged from each other and looked at us. The mediator lowered his voice and began asking specific questions to each parent. I began to do the same. It was almost as if we had rehearsed our response.

The tactic drained the anger and tension out of the room. We learned that while these parents lived in the same neighborhood, they did not know each other and had not spoken to each other in the months since the accidental injury. Each had had a lot of time to think about the incident, and to let their anger build. The mother of the injured boy was suing for out-of-pocket medical expenses not covered by her insurance. Once we got past the emotion, the story began to unfold as each parent talked about what had happened and their response to the incident. The mother of the boy who injured the other apologized. The other parent accepted the apology and acknowledged that it was an accident and not intentional. After that, we got down to the business of how the medical costs would be repaid.

After the mediation, I was emotionally drained, but felt good about the outcome. We can't always get clients to agree, but it helps when we don't make assumptions before the mediation begins.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
Courtroom Ethics

When mediating in court, it is important to know the rules and laws that govern a mediator’s behavior towards people being mediated. While a certified mediator has civil immunity from prosecution under the law, there are a number of ethical guidelines a mediator must follow. Such guidelines are:

• Mediators are prohibited from compelling or coercing parties into settlement agreements.
• Mediators have an obligation to be free of conflicts of interest ( this means clearing any conflict of interest by disclosure and/or consent of the parties not provided for).
• Mediators are prohibited from disclosing one party’s confidential information to the other.
• Mediators are prohibited from making observations regarding the conduct and demeanor of the parties and their counsel during the mediation.

Keep these in mind when mediating at court so that you can live up to your potential as a mediator.

Mediation Frustration

Recently, the mediation services area has been somewhat busy lately. In trying to expand our services to different areas of Hampton Roads, we have run into several bureaucratic obstacles. Unfortunately, these obstacles only hinder the important role that mediation plays in the criminal justice system.

Mediation is an opportunity for people to use self-determination to resolve conflict, and it can be of great assistance to the justice system. Alternative Dispute Resolution is an avenue of gaining justice that will leave all parties feeling heard and empowered. Unfortunately, the justice system cannot meet everyone’s needs, as adjudication rarely allows for restoration or vindication and almost every court case will leave someone feeling like something else is needed. Plaintiffs and defendants often need someone to understand that their ordeal is frustrating and that they are hurt.

Despite the care and detail that is put into writing the law, a judge only makes decisions on what the law says is just, which does not necessarily reflect what is fair. A judge looks at case law and statute, not at long hours of work, tears, shouting matches, and destroyed relationships. Mediation provides what the judge cannot, an opportunity to look at what is fair and just and a place to discuss what the law does not and cannot take into account. It is for this reason we want to provide mediation as a valuable addition to the typical legal process. It is important that the criminal justice system does not see people as merely a docket number but as individuals going through a difficult time and in need of help.

Mandy Stallings

Cultural Differences

I’ve been a mediator with the Community Mediation Center for about six years now. I have mediated hundreds of cases of all different types. However, I had a new experience this week that refreshed some things for me. I observed a Child Dependency Mediation that involved a mother who is Vietnamese and speaks limited English. The parties present at the mediation included the mother, the Social Worker, an in-home therapist, the Guardian ad Litem and the Vietnamese interpreter.

The subject matter itself was intense. The mother and the Social Worker and the therapist were there to find ways to work together so that “mom” could retain custody of her children and avoid putting them in foster care. The Guardian ad Litem was there to look out for the children’s best interest. Clearly those two sides did not always see eye to eye. The real challenge came when cultural issues arose. The interpreter that was there, a Vietnamese man himself, quickly turned into an advocate for the mom instead of the translator that we had anticipated. The had long dialogues back and forth, him trying to help her understand, not only in word but in meaning, what the other parties were asking of her in terms of the care of her children. Issues were raised such as having a Vietnamese therapist for the children and the mother’s opposition to putting one of her children on medication for ADD. These appeared to stem from her cultural beliefs according to the interpreter.

It is important for us as mediators to set our own cultural views and stereotypes aside to some extent and stop and think who our clients are in a mediation. Are they young or old? White or black? From the North or South? Married or single? Although not all of these issues are cultural, these are just a few of the characteristics that make up a person and influence there decisions. Just something to think about.

Sara M. Foote

Mediator Tips
The Mediation Process: An Overview

I. Introduction: The mediators set the stage.

• Greeting, seating and familiarity with facility (be gracious).
• Mediators explain the process (set them at ease).
• Explanation of our impartial role (sets the tone for openness).
• Review, then sign the Agreement to Mediate Form.
• Help parties develop the Ground Rules and ask for their commitment.

II. Storytelling: A time for people to be heard and share perceptions.

• Summarize each person's story by reflecting back the general content themes and associated feelings.
• Clarify by asking open-ended questions regarding unclear issues that appear to be important.
• Listen to each person's views and feelings about the situation. Actively listen to their story
• Reframe or restate the issues and concerns by focusing on their needs and interests.
• Identify Issues and begin Bridge Building: Assist parties in owning the problem.
• Join the parties by giving a synopsis of their shared interests.
• Identify and explore all the issues.
• Use a flip chart to help everyone stay on track, one issue at a time (if applicable).

III. Generating Options: To engage the parties in a creative and collaborative discussion about remedies for resolution.

• Brainstorm for possible options for resolution.
• Use flip charts to illustrate possible options.
• Encourage and reward collaboration.
• Listen actively by giving appropriate eye contact and posture.
• Clarifying/Reality Testing: A time for parties to gain a better understanding of their options.
• Ask “what if” questions as you help the parties examine the viability of options. Be creative.
• Compliment them on their progress when an issue reaches closure.
• Through open-ended questioning, flush out more details for parties’ options.

IV. Resolution - Agreement: The “final touch” - this affirms and clarifies their personal effort during mediation.

• Mediator is a “scrivener” for the parties and any resolution.
• Confirm consensus on the option selected for each issue.
• Coach them in drafting their agreement - use their words when possible.
• Include specific details that address who, what, when, and where.
• Use simple and clear statements that everyone can understand once they have left the mediation session.
• Balance is important -- everyone can do something to resolve the conflict.

V. Closure: A time to acknowledge the parties for their hard work and reconfirm their agreement.

• Go over the written resolution point by point with the parties and make any changes.
• Reconfirm that the parties can have an attorney review the resolution as it will become a legal document when signed or the parties can waive that opportunity and sign.
• A written agreement is only confidential when it is stated within the text of the agreement.
• Have parties fill out client evaluation form.
• If ready, have the parties sign an original written resolution for themselves and have 2 originals signed for the DSC.
• Invite final comments.
• Handshake.

Youth for Peace Conference

The Community Mediation Center recently held its 2nd annual Youth for Peace Conference. We played a lot and worked hard...one of the topics we concentrated on was the importance of applying mediation skills to our everyday lives, not just the mediation room. We know how to paraphrase, identify interests, brainstorm creative solutions...but do we when it comes to our own issues? The kids attending the conference concluded that it is possible to live by our mediation priciples, but it takes a little practice and a lot of courage. We made a promise to try at least ONCE to apply mediation skills in our personal lives. I hope you join us!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Coordinator

Transitions

The definition of transition is a passage from one form, state, style, or place to another. The past year as an AmeriCorps VISTA at the Community Mediation Center has definitely been a transition for me in all aspects of the definition.

- FORM: Form is usually thought of in the structural sense, but I will approach this dimension of the definition a little different. Most can probably tell, but I bought my first suit for my AmeriCorps VISTA interview. Growing up between a farm in Michigan and the beach in Virginia, did not teach me much about the aspects of business casual attire. Transitioning through AmeriCorps has allowed my closet to take on new, more appropriate form.

- STATE: As a laid-back, beach native, I was never keen on being on time or keeping things organized. I have always worked and played at my own pace, not recognizing the effects of other people and things around me. My experience here at the Center has given me the skill and ability to be organized. Most of the staff members are aware of my dependence on organization, not knowing that this is recent transition from my old ways.

- STYLE: When I first began my journey at the Center, it was funny for me to hear the staff say that they cannot remember how things used to be before they were trained as mediators. Now, only a year later, I feel much of the same. I have been able to use the skills I have learned here, not only in mediation, but in many aspects of my personal life. It is unbelievable for me to think of how quickly this transition has occurred.
- PLACE: I have always enjoyed new places. As a daughter of a now-retired Navy father, I was always ready to pick up and move to new place. Luckily, I was able to stay in Virginia Beach for most of my life, but I was always ready and aware that change could happen anytime. Most recently, I have changed positions, and along with that came relocation. Although hesitant at first, my experience as an AmeriCorps VISTA has enhanced my ability to be flexible and open to change.

Kim Hopwood
Training Coordinator

The importance of being a non-profit

Have you ever had a conversation where it seems as though the other person isn’t listening? Just to test them, you end up throwing outrageous things into your monologues: “So, I just bought an African elephant the other day. He's named fluffy.”

Working in outreach is kind of like that- minus the African elephant, of course. For every 10 people you contact, most likely only one will respond to you. Even those who say they will call you back, rarely do. Its frustrating at times, but it’s important not get discouraged - after all, you don’t want to sell your services to people who don’t want them.

Non-profits often have to work in this manner. They are dedicated to fulfilling their mission to help the community rather than meeting the ‘bottom line,’ so they must rely on the community to support them. They must be aggressive in pursuing those who are interested in what they do. For-profits are useful in providing goods and services to the community, but since their goal is to make money for their shareholders, they are not primarily working for the public's best interest. Since you cannot trust the government to be everywhere and do everything, the community needs to pick up the slack. This is the role of non-profits- to work to improve the community in the spaces that for-profits and the government do not cover.

So despite the number of no’s I receive and the number of people who blow me off, I am proud to be a part of the non-profit community.

Nathan Eckstrand

Mediator Tips
Family Mediation- The Consultation

Most families who inquire about mediation know little about the process because they have never been in mediation before. Instead, families are frequently referred from the court, lawyers, family service agencies or by others who have used mediation in the past. Therefore, taking time to evaluate and assess family needs is important prior to accepting them as clients.

A brief and informal meeting, prior to mediation, benefits both the families and the mediator in the following ways:

1. It is an opportunity for the families to ask some common questions, such as:

• How much will this cost?
• How long will each session last and how many sessions will we need?
• What do I do?
• What do you do?
• What will it be like?
• Do I want to do this and am I able to do this?

2. It is an opportunity for the mediator to meet his/her ethical obligations by:

• Screening for domestic violence
• Assessing client’s communication dynamics
• Familiarizing clients with process and Agreement to Mediate form
• Gathering data about the family
• Determining if this is the right time for this family to be in mediation
• Refering clients to other professionals if needed

Developing your own style

When I was going through the mentee process, one of my mentors gave me some great advice."Mediate with a lot of different people," he said. "Eventually you will develop your own style." I'm still working on developing my mediation style, but the advice is true for other activities. When I was training to teach the co-parenting class (designed for parents who have separated), I co-taught with three deifferent instructors, each with her own style. All the information provided in the class is the same, but the presentation is slightly different, depending on the instructor. Some use prepared charts, others overheads or add information to a flip chart as it is presented.
Most parents attend the class because a judge has ordered them here. They think they are being punished or that the court thinks they are bad parents. After more than a year teaching this class, I have my own style, drawn in part from those who trained me and mixed with my own perspective and personality. The introductioon--designed to make them more comfortable and willing to participate --is now mine. So is the closing at the end of the class. The material in between is the same information the other trainers present, but done in my fashion.
Now that I'm actually mentoring a new trainer, my approach is to team her with each of the trainers, and not just me. Eventually, she will develop her own style, based in part on something from each of us and then mixed with her unique perspective and personality.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
The Importance of Confidentiality

The mediation process is helpful for many people because it is confidential. All conversations and work products, including various scenarios for resolution generated during the process, are held in confidence (e.g. notes are destroyed, mediators do not discuss cases or make statements to the court). However, a mediated agreement is not a confidential document unless it is stated within the text of the agreement.

Confidentiality creates a more confortable setting for participants in mediation, which allows for better facilitation and more open dialogue. Because of confidentiality, individuals are more likely to open and share.

Make sure that the confidentiality part of the agreement to mediate form is sufficiently covered during the introduction.

The importance of being heard

I have been a mediator since 1993 and have trained mediators here at the Community Mediation Center since 1998. In reflecting on why mediation means so much to me, I realize it is because mediation can begin a healing process for people in conflict. And because people have a desperate need to talk to someone and be “heard”.

Being heard is not just about listening with ears but hearing with the heart and mind. It is about making a human-to-human connection in an ever increasing digital world.

Listening is the essence of mediation for me. That is why I am so passionate about mediators utilizing the reflective listening technique during the mediation process. Reflective listening summarizes what someone has said by linking content (the overall theme of what was said) with feeling.

When identifying the content of a statement, the mediator doesn’t just “parrot” what was said but captures the key theme or subject by dropping away nonessential information and “laundering” the language so it is palatable for all participants in the mediation.

Then, link that content with the feeling expressed. It is the acknowledgement of the feeling which truly helps people feel “heard”. Feelings are essential to human nature and so often in society those feelings are denied. When that happens, pressure builds up to the breaking point. Just look at the newspaper or listen to the news for examples of this.

In all my years of mediation, I have seen the magic woven by reflective listening. Emotions have deescalated and there is such a relief in voice and body language when people feel heard.

So don’t forget to use reflective listening as much as possible in mediation. I’ll be listening…..

Karen Richards

Mediator Tips
Caucus

A caucus is a time when mediators will meet with each party separately. It should be used sparingly, and only when other avenues have not been effective. Caucusing should not occur unless both parties agree it is necessary and timely.

When to caucus

• When you need independent clarification to confirm suspected spousal, substance or child abuse that may prohibit the parties from speaking freely in front of each other and may be a reason to discontinue the process.
• When the level of hostility is so intense that it inhibits communication.
• When either of the parties repeatedly responds in an unproductive way to questions, the other party, or options toward resolution.

Reasons for caucus

• To allow disputants to ventilate
• To assist parties to negotiate
• To clarify goals and concerns
• To generate options
• To examine alternatives

The Mediator's approach in caucus

Focus on the reason for the caucus. Determine with your co-mediator what you want to accomplish.

1. Gaining additional information.
   
   Example: "Could you tell me specifically what you mean when you say that Jane's method of disciplining Bobby is not right. Can you give us an example?"
   
   or
   
   Example: "It sounds to me like when you drink, your behavior effects Jane. Knowing this, are you willing to address the drinking?"

2. Reality testing to ask the party if mediation should continue and to explore other options for resolution.
   
   Example: "I've noticed that you are having difficulty being in the same room with Bob. I sense that you are angry and frustrated. What I am concerned about is whether this process is doable for you right now. What do you think? It is my feeling that you may need to think about other options and how they might resolve the issue.”

3. Coaching clients when they are stuck and want to save face.
   
   Example: "You are trying very hard, but my sense is that when you bring up Jane's indiscretion it blocks your progress when discussing parenting. Our hope for you is that your children will benefit from having both parents working cooperatively to raise them. Do you agree that we should focus on the children?"

Remember that even in caucus you must be aware of what you are saying and how you are phrasing your words. Be clear about your concerns and use "I" messages. Don't try to solve the problem- they have the solution. Focus on what can change: you can’t change the past but can change the future.