Last week my friend called me looking for best friend advice about the best way to talk to her fiancé. After listening to her story, and paraphrasing what she said, I offered my secret tool…I-messages. I use I-messages with everyone- my parents, my brother, my boyfriend- and 9 times out of 10 it is very effective in getting my point across without being accusatory or hurtful.

I told my friend that I-messages are a great way of saying what you want to say without pointing the finger. She would be able to talk to her fiancé and he wouldn’t get upset. I told her about the secret formula: I feel ________ when ________ because _________ and I need __________. She really seemed like a natural...she practiced a few I-messages on me and got the courage to call her fiancé and test it out.

An hour later I got a phone call from my best friend… “Megan you’re a genius! It totally worked! I told him how I was feeling and he didn’t get frustrated or mad…he even agreed with me!” I told her I’m not a genius, I’m just in the field of conflict resolution and talking things out is what I know best. I was glad to share my secret tool with my best friend, and glad to hear that I-messages came to the rescue yet again! I feel great when I-messages help my friends because they mean so much to me and I need them to always be happy!

-Megan Carpenter

Check out the latest updates from former AmeriCorps Member
Jason Clevenger


volunteer English teacher in Changsha, Hunan, China

Going to the chart

Sometimes, putting information on flip charts in mediation can dramatically shift the attention of the clients from each other to concentrating on the issues. I've been involved in three mediations where the technique worked to help clients focus on the work that needed to be done and not each other's history.

In one, two sisters were arguing over the care of their elderly mother. One sister thought the other, who was living with the mother, was not doing a good job and was gone for long periods of time, leaving their elderly parent alone. They kept repeating their history to each other and the issues between them, often talking at the same time. My co-mediator went to the chart and asked them if they wanted their mother to be healthy as long as possible. They agreed. Then they were asked if they wanted their mom to stay in her home as long as possible. They agreed. Already, two points of agreement were on the chart. The focus shifted to my co-mediator standing by the chart and the points of agreement on it. They stopped looking at and talking to each other and placed their attention on the chart. It wasn't long before they had worked out a schedule of who would care for their mom and when.

In another case, separating parents spent much of the fiirst part of the mediation blaming each other for the breakup. The discussion seemed to bog down, when my co-mediator went to the chart and listed five issues they had identified. My co-mediator then checked three points where they had come to an agreement. The co-mediator then praised the clients on coming to agreements on those points and noted there were only two more issues to discuss. Eventually, they came to an agreement on all the issues, largely because they could "see" progress in the discussion.

A third case involved a couple who had separated and were trying to untangle their joint finances and debt. Again they got into their personal history and issues with each other, until my co-mediator went to the chart and started listing dollar amounts. I'm not very good with numbers but even I could see they were only a couple of hundred dollars apart. Unfortunatly, they could not see it and continued to re-hash their history until she abruptly left the room.
It doesn't work all the time, but the chart is a useful tool to help crystalize the issues and track progress on them.

Chuck Hardwick

Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession?

Recently, I had the privilege of going through the Old Dominion University Career Switcher program. Becoming a teacher was something I had contemplated but never thought I would do. Well, as they say never say never because you never know when never will come. I have been a substitute teacher on and off and working here at the Center for the last two years has helped me realize that I can do this as a career and hopefully be happy.

While filling out the application for Norfolk Public Schools the last question on the application read as follows: Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession? My response below has been the same over the years and I am surprised that I have not detoured from my “philosophy or belief” when it comes to teaching. I believe that teaching takes passion and dedication.

Nevertheless, here is my response to the question above. I believe I am suited for the teaching profession because I enjoy helping to shape our future leaders. Gandhi stated that we must be the change that we want to see in the world. One of the ways that I can be a part of that change is through teaching and volunteering my time. I have volunteered my time in several diverse capacities over the years but the ones that stand out the most are the times I am training or facilitating youth programs. I have done several trainings on teaching youth how to deal with conflict or how to become a peer mediator in their schools. I enjoy working with young people because they keep me on top of my game and hold me to my personal belief of being the change I want to see in the world. I know I will not be able to have an impact on every student but I will make a difference in some of their lives and maybe even their parents as well. Therefore, I am suited for the teaching profession because I want to teach and want to make a difference in the future leaders of my children. I want to be the teacher that they will know I truly care about their future.

-Veronica Hill

I hurt my left foot over the summer. For several months I was back and forth to the doctor trying different “boots” and treatments to no avail. On October 10th my doctor put me in a cast from just under my toes to right under my knees. I was told not to put weight on it and to learn to use crutches for the next 4-6 weeks.

I felt paralyzed! I was not in pain but I was completely uncomfortable. I felt like the world around me was no longer accessible. It took me several days, no honestly it took a week or two, for me to realize that I could get around, I could do most of the things I had been able to do without the cast.

I tell this story for two reasons. The first is that I now have a whole new compassion and empathy for those who are physically disabled. I don’t mean that I feel sorry for them, I just feel like I know where they are coming from now even though my “disability” was minor and hopefully temporary. They face a challenge every time they have to go up porch steps to enter a house or when they need to go grocery shopping. (I have resorted to taking my 3 sons grocery shopping with me so that I can ride around in one of those electric carts and they can help carry the bags to the car while I hop on my crutches. Before this I tried to never take the boys grocery shopping, mostly because I spend a whole lot more time and money when they are with me!)

The second reason I tell this story is because I have been impressed and surprised at people's help (or lack of help) when I am in public. Sometimes I’ll be hopping up to a door and someone will stop what they are doing to hold it open for me. At other times people will continue on with what they are doing while I try struggle to get the door open. For the most part, people have been helpful and I think that is great. The group I have been most impressed with is my co-workers. They have been so helpful and kind (only a few jokes a day!). They carry my try for me when we go out to eat, they open doors for me, and they even carry my water bottle for me when I needed to teach a class! Thanks guys.

This experience has taught me, or maybe just reminded me, that life is not just about yourself and your own struggle. Everybody is dealing with something whether you can see it or not. So lend a helping hand, open a door or just smile at someone today.

-Sara Foote

Life at the CMC

I have been with the Community Mediation Center for several months now, and I truly believe that teamwork and the people that one is granted the privilege of calling co-workers make the difference between working a job and developing a career.

The people I work with come from diverse backgrounds and cultures but we all manage to put our differences to the side and make a team that is both beneficial and rewarding for both our volunteer mediators as well as our cliental.

I believe that this is the secret ingredient to a thriving workplace; teamwork, reliability, empathy - and the ability to say its ok to dress up as a mime or Gilligan, or even Batgirl when you come to work. These are characteristics that you won’t find many places, and if you do, then it is a true gem you have found and should cherish. I have enjoyed my time here with the CMC and look forward to working with this fun, creative, and diverse group of people for many more years to come.

-Chaniece Winfield

Last week, in honor of National Conflict Resolution Day, I had the opportunity to do a brief introduction to conflict resolution to 4th and 5th grade students at a local elementary school. I asked them questions like “what words do you think of when you hear the word conflict?”, “how does conflict make you feel?” and “how do you resolve conflict in your own life?”. I must admit I was shocked by the complexity and contemplation behind the answers I received.

When asked for words relating to conflict, the students’ answers ranged from fight and argument to war and divorce. As to be expected, I got feeling words like angry and mad, but I also heard frustrated, confused, abandoned, ignored, embarrassed, dishonest and disrespectful. And when asked how they resolve conflict, the students’ answers varied; some ignore it, some yell into a pillow, others play video games or talk to their friends and family. Not a single student said they go directly to the source and talk to the person they are in conflict with.

Peer mediation is being introduced to this school, and this program will allow students the opportunity to talk directly to the person they are in conflict with in a safe, friendly, confidential and violence-free environment. The 4th and 5th graders I spoke to definitely knew a lot more about conflict than I had imagined…and definitely knew a lot less about conflict resolution than I had hoped.

-Megan Carpenter

Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards

Two weeks ago I drove my car into a big puddle and drowned it. Well...it wasn't really a puddle, it was a flooded street and I was driving at night in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with.

Needless to say, my little Mercury Sable was prounounced DOA when I took it to my mechanic.

CONFLICT: I need a new car, but I am an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and my funds are very limited.

So, like a good mediator, I pulled out my pad of paper just as if I were in a mediation session with a flip chart and I started the brainstorming process. I began generating options; organizing and prioritizing them. In our youth program we use the acronym SODAS for the decision making process

Situation
Options
Disadvantages
Advantages
Solution

It is an easy and effective way of breaking down the step-by-step decision making process to make the best decision possible.

I listed my options:
- buy a new or a used car
I reality tested all the advantages and disadvantages;
-could I afford the car payment if I bought a new car?
-what would insurance costs look like?
-if I bought a used car, what repairs or maintenance would I be looking at?
-what was the reliability of the different makes and models?

After two weeks of searching (and lots of help from a wonderful support group of family, friends, and co-workers), I was finally able to come up with an acceptable solution that wouldn't break the bank. I am now happily behind the wheel of a used Toyota Camry.

Don't underestimate the importance of the brainstorming stage and listing all possibilities. Sometimes just being able to see all the options on paper helps to organize thoughts and begin to move in the direction of resolution.

-Diane Arnold

Recently, I had a chance to return to my alma mater, the University of Missouri, for a 100th aniversary celebration of the School of Journalism. All classes were invited to return and about 3,000 of us swarmed the J-School complex and spent a few days literally walking down memory lane.

The campus has changed a lot since I last stepped foot there in the 80s. Three new buildings added to the J-School campus, and tons of new classrooms and dorms built where there used to be open space. The entire dorm complex I had lived in as a freshman was gone, being replaced with a massive structure filled with the latest electronic wiring for gadgets and equipment that had not been invented when I was on campus.

The most fun, though, was exploring the new J-School buildings. We were invited to sit in on lectures, visit labs and mingle with students and faculty. My old J-School news room was now quiet and filled with offices and storage rooms. Across the street stood the new newsroom with sections for photography, circulation, advertising and the newsroom itself. I immediately noticed the quiet. As a journalism student in the 60s, the newsroom was filled with shouting editors, the jangle of ringing phones, the noise of reporters pounding manual typewriters and the constant clicking of wire machines bringing news from all over the world.

I had plenty of opportunity to talk to faculty about the technological changes. But I had the most fun with the very young budding journalists. The most-often asked question: What was my first job out of journalism school. My answer: I worked for the government. Most of the men in my class of 1966 were drafted immediately after graduation. What was my most vivid memory of J-School? was another question. My answer: The day JFK was assasinated and they actually stopped the presses.

I talked about my career after J-School, and what I was doing today (a marketing moment for mediation). I'm still using my J-School training, I told one student, who had asked if those skills had evaporated, now that I was was out of the business. In J-School, we were told to asked open-ended questions. The who, where, when, what, why and how. In mediation, I still ask those kinds of questions and for the same reason--to get people to open up and tell their stories. Never ask a yes or no question, I reminded this student. You'll get a yes or no answer. But you won't get any information. This also applies to mediation. Maybe J-School was preparing me to be a mediator.

Chuck Hardwick

In the past few weeks I have learned that when there is a conflict going on between family members or friends and they DO NOT ask you for help, DON’T get involved!

My aunt and my sister were having some issues recently and I found myself automatically wanting to help them problem solve. Next thing I know I’m spending half my day back and forth on the phone with each of them trying to neutralize the harsh statements each was making about the other. It took me a while, but I realized they were not ready to work it out right now. They needed time to be mad and say ugly things that they would later regret. Eventually, after they had each calmed down (several days later), they were able to talk to each other and work out most of their problems.

I guess the point of this for me was:
1) If there is trouble brewing, stay out of it unless you are asked to help
resolve the conflict
2) Everyone has a different style of dealing with conflict. Some people can let
it drag on for days, others, like me, need it resolved before I go to bed that
night.

Problem solved, I can get some sleep now!

-Sara Foote

What to do?

I’ve been mediating for 8 years, and I still have those moments… “What to do?!”

On Friday I found myself in a mediation that started off on the wrong foot and kept on going. “What should I do?”

I summarized – that kind-of worked. I asked open and closed questions – that didn’t matter. I held up the good or used interests & positions – seemed to help one of them. I took more control over the process – that didn’t work. I abdicated control over the process – that didn’t work. I took a break – didn’t help.

Intellectually I know that mediation isn’t for everyone. But, my heart HOPES it’s for everyone. I wish there was something I could have done to change the feelings, the distrust, or the outcome in that room.

But – it’s not about I or ME, it’s about them.

That’s hard to swallow sometimes.

So… “What to do?”

Keep practicing, continued self reflection & training, and keep on mediating!

-Amanda Burbage

The little things are what make the difference. In nearly every facet of life, they are what separate greatness from mediocrity. They also have the ability to create the greatest amount of gratitude for what you no longer have access to. The latter I have found especially true in China.

Yesterday, the little things came through big for me. It is the little things I miss about America. Not being able to find push pins for example had me frustrated for quite a while. Until I saw them last night at the local store. Aaaaah, my shining beacon in the school supplies aisle. The smile lasted for two hours.

Little things are what separate us from each other. Little things keep us respectfully distant, keep us secure and keep our dreams possible. Going that extra step, taking one more look around the corner, staying one more minute.

All of these little things that occur in our lives. Our favorite radio station, cereal, efficiency in nearly every area of our lives. Too much of it is taken for granted in the states. The truth is that these little things are what keep us together, keep us stable and insure the chance to have happiness. Without them, we are gridlocked.

-Jason Clevenger

Jason was an AmeriCorps volunteer at the Center this summer. He is now in Changsha, Hunan, China teaching English. Read more about Jason's adventures in teaching on his blog at http://project7585.blogspot.com/

When I tell people I have a Bachelor’s degree in Conflict Resolution the answer is always the same, “You have a degree in what?”

I have a degree in Conflict Resolution.

The second question always follows, “Where on Earth do you get a degree in that? I didn’t even know that was a real major.”

Conflict Resolution bachelor degree programs are now offered for undergrads in 16 states, and master degree programs are offered across the United States and in several other countries worldwide. Class titles can include Mediation, Ideas of War, Nonviolence, and Gender and Conflict.

Despite popular belief, I did not just sit around Indian style with my hair in braids reading about Gandhi and singing Kumbaya. During my four years of undergraduate studies at Juniata College, I took numerous classes in Peace and Conflict Studies, Politics, and Communication Studies. I had the opportunity to travel to the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland for a two week intensive study program on the troubles of Northern Ireland, I interned at the Northern Ireland Bureau in Washington, D.C. for a semester, and I studied abroad for a year in Derry, Northern Ireland. I worked with youth, teaching conflict resolution skills in local elementary schools, and served as an on-campus mediator. I took exams, wrote papers and spent many hours reading, studying, and experiencing reconciliation in post-conflict societies, nonviolence and mediation services. Conflict Resolution is a real major.

And the third question: “Now what exactly will you do with a degree in Conflict Resolution?”

This question is a bit more difficult to answer because there are many paths to take with a degree in Conflict Resolution. Some people go into social work, others into politics. Some choose international organizations like the United Nations, others choose small non-profits like Community Mediation Center. I have friends with Conflict Resolution degrees serving in the Peace Corps, working for Congressmen in Washington, and serving as mediators and case managers for different organizations throughout the United States, South America and the Middle East. Conflict is everywhere in life, from within the home to the international arena, and the options for working within the field of Conflict Resolution are just as broad.

My name is Megan and I’m the new Americorps VISTA volunteer here at CMC, working with youth programs. I’m going to use my degree to help children and teenagers learn to communicate effectively with their peers, parents, friends and siblings, and I am ready to take on the next series of dubious inquiries. “You work where? You do what?”

-Megan Carpenter

Do you know about the AmeriCorps Program? I didn’t know much about the program until I came to the Community Mediation Center last year. Now I am such a supporter as I see what a difference these volunteers make in the nonprofit organizations and the communities they serve. According to their website, AmeriCorps offers 75,000 opportunities for adults of all ages and backgrounds to serve through a network of partnerships with local and national nonprofit groups each year.

The CMC has participated in the AmeriCorps program for several years and worked with many talented and enthusiastic individuals. They help us in so many ways- from managing our mediation services to working with our youth programs to leading many of our proactive community activities. Each individual brings such a wide array of skills, interests, talent and passions that has truly supported our mission.

Our dedicated staff, amazing volunteers, and active board are wonderful. But I am so honored to also have this experience of working with the AmeriCorps volunteers. Although these volunteers typically work with an organization for one year, their contributions are long lasting. Our current AmeriCorps volunteers work in youth, community outreach, volunteer services and mediation services. So much of what we offer our community could not be done without their support. Many of our current staff directors started as AmeriCorps and are by far the most dedicated talented individuals I have ever worked with. The majority of AmeriCorps volunteers, however, move on to graduate school, law school and other service positions, continuing to serve their communities.

We benefit from their service and once their year is done, they are advocates in the community for conflict resolution. Everyone wins from this partnership. So I thank our AmeriCorps volunteers, past and present. It is hard to see you leave but know that your contributions to the Community Mediation Center are so appreciated. You truly have made a difference in our lives and our community..

-Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

New Steps

I have always been taught to see my life as consecutive steps that lead to some magical destiny that I haven’t quite figured out yet. From going to elementary school through high school and being on honor roll every year which ultimately leads to college scholarships and awards. Then finding that special someone which leads to an engagement, marriage, buying a house, cars, and children (haven’t gotten there yet). Ultimately all the decisions and experiences one has in life lead to independence from family and in the words of my mother "officially becoming an adult and leading a life worth remembering".

I just started with the CMC about a month ago now after finishing my undergraduate degree. I have met a lot of diverse, and in the words of some mediators, “different kinds of people”. I have also learned what makes people diverse and different and how our differences and skills, make for a wonderful learning experience. It is for this reason that I hope that my experience here at the CMC will be a great step in my stairway to that “magical destiny”.

-Chaniece Winfield

Family Mediation

I am certified to mediate general and family cases, but for some reason prefer to work with families which is a good thing, because I am using all my mediation skills right now to help my own family through a crisis.

My mother is dealing with some major health issues and is now in a rehabilitation center receiving treatment until she is strong enough to return home. She is not happy about it and now is in the denial (I want to go home!) and anger (It's all your fault!) stages. I just let the anger and angry things she says wash over me without responding to them. It's like I'm listening to one client venting at another client in mediation, knowing eventually we'll get down to some story telling and generating options. I can detatch during those moments and give her permission to be angry, knowing it's not really about me.

All of the siblings are under stress and my brother and sister know all of each other's hot buttons. There are long standing issues that probably will never be fully settled. The emergency room and hospital are not places to be visiting those issues (handling money, who got what for their birthday and a host of other annoyances). Now I find my self being neutral, reframing and asking open ended questions. This is not a time to judge either of them as at fault. From time to time I actually do some caucasing, speaking to each of them individually.

The latest issue of contention has been about visiting mom. ("I work!" "I work, too, and I've already missed some shifts!") Finally, I was able to help them agree to go whenever they could, and not argue about who was there the most or least.

Hopefully, we will all get through this and my mom will be home with her cat, which she also misses.

Mediation can be rewarding, especially when I can help clients resolve their differences. Mediation skills can be used outside of mediations; in this case, they are survival skills which I can employ to help everyone cooperate and work together to achieve our goal---help mom recover.

Chuck Hardwick

‘God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much.’

Before I started at the Community Mediation Center I used to think I was a good listener. When a friend had a problem or a co-worker was dealing with a difficult issue I was always on hand to listen and offer my opinion. But recently I’ve come to realize I’m not really a good listener. I do a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening.

So now you may be wondering, “What’s the difference between hearing and listening?” Well, we hear a dog barking, we hear the buzz of a summer cicada, and we hear the next-door neighbor’s lawnmower. But listening requires both hearing and processing what we hear.

Often times when we are “listening” to our friend/co-worker/spouse talk about their troubles we are thinking of a solution to offer them. Or we are thinking ahead of what the person is saying – rehearsing what you are going to say, or rewinding in your head what you’ve already said and wishing you had said it differently. And in today’s hectic world, we are distracted by the appointments we have to keep, the errands we have to run, and the bills that have to be paid. All of these situations keep us from listening effectively.

Just think of everything you could be missing because you were only hearing what that other person had to say and not listening to them.

-Diane Arnold

On the road...

My family and I were vacationing in the Washington, DC area last week. Our hotel had families and business people from around the world.

I knew I had to write this blog when I returned to work this week and was thinking about what to write while riding in our hotel’s elevator. As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and a family got on with a very excited and fast-moving toddler who was ready to explore this new world.

The back of the elevator’s doors were mirrors and while all stood together watching the floor numbers flash by, the little girl looked in the mirror doors and saw us in the reflection. We smiled at her and she giggled and wiggled.

Then, it happened. She turned her head slightly and saw us AND our reflections. A light went on for her – and her eyes lit up in recognition that the reflection and the people were one in the same. She let out a gleeful chortle and her eyes met mine and seemed to say to me, “I got it! I’ve learned something new! Wow!”

The elevator doors opened on her floor and she took off down the hall, her family in hot pursuit.

As the elevator doors closed, my family and I looked at each other in wonderment with what we had just witnessed – that precious moment of awareness and understanding of the world around us.

I have had this experience before in mediation when people in conflict suddenly gain a new realization and awareness of the conflict situation and work towards a peaceful resolution.

This opportunity, or “ah-ha” moment usually sneaks up on them, just like it did for this little girl. All it takes, sometimes, is a “tilt of the head” to see the conflict situation and the world in a new way. It also takes being open to the opportunity.

So take a step back or to the side and look at life in a different way. May you experience illumination and the pure joy that this new awareness brings.

-Karen Richards

From what I’ve noticed, mediators aren’t really a dime a dozen brand. Nor are their individual styles remotely similar to each other. Well, at least that could be the case from the majority of mediations I have been through. What I have seen, through observation and co-mediation, is that no two mediators are alike. Each mediator develops their style for what fits them best. Nevertheless, many teeter on the edge of lawyering, arbitrating and counseling.

A few weeks ago, I posed a question to one of my colleagues. Why is it that we cannot give legal advice and yet nothing is said about counseling our clients, save the fact that in the agreement to mediate, it states that mediation is not counseling? Furthermore, which style is more conducive to therapy? A directive approach or a facilitative one?

Observing one mediator, I was struck at how his more directive approach, in my opinion, imitated therapy more than the facilitative approach that I have adopted and which is used at the CMC. If we are to be directive, opinionated and suggestive in our mediation, doesn’t that lend itself to therapy? After all, a therapist gives their opinion for your behavior. As mediators, the line to walk between making the session therapeutic and facilitative is a fine one. But that line is even more fine when a directive approach is used.

In all, mediators must find the characteristics they wish to emulate to successfully operate a session. I have found that the best mediators have two things in common. They are succinct and they are distant. Succinct in their ability to rephrase and paraphrase language into clearly understood, often layman sentiment that construes the very interest of the client, yet can also save face.

They are distant, in that when they are in the mediation room, they are no more than an observer. And when they leave the mediation room, the clients and the case stay behind.

This is the role I have observed to be the most effective in mediation. Staying close without being involved. Being on top of the situation without being all over the situation. It is the client’s process and their time. It is their conversation.

Many people may feel that the facilitative approach is costly in terms of time and energy. But I have found just the opposite to be true. If done properly, facilitative mediation allows clients the essential story-telling that is needed to get beyond positions and to the root of the dispute. It is more efficient in that after this phase, however lengthy it may be concludes, the clients can move on to business.

I also find that it is less like therapy in practice while being more therapeutic in effect. By staying objective, distant, and succinct and by simply “listening and repeating” the mediation takes on a life of its own. The clients feel heard and validated. And the process moves on, without alteration or pretentious ad-lib.

-Jason Clevenger

It was never my goal to be a mediator.

Before I came to the Center, I wasn't aware of mediation and how it worked. Many years ago, when I was going through my separation process, a friend who also was going through it, chose to mediate. And yes, I asked, "Mediation? What's that?" The idea was so new it made the local news when they tried it. They used mediation to resolve some of the more emotional issues, like who got the house and kids. Once they resolved those issues, they were able to work on a lot of details, hire one lawyer and file the paperwork.

My friend said it was a good alternative to the traditional lawyer fight and suggested we try it.

I asked my wife about using mediation for us. She thought about it for a couple of days and then replied, "I'm afraid the mediator will take your side. I'm getting a lawyer." And so we did it the expensive way.

There was so much we did not know about this process called mediation. She wanted an advocate, someone who would fight for her. So here I am, 20 years later, mediating couples who have separated, resolving issues of custody, visitation, support and dividing up the property and debts among people who once loved one another. I wonder if my ex- knows what I do here? I haven't told her because we've talked only once in 20 years. Life is full of little ironies.

Chuck Hardwick

Last week I had the privilege of teaching a class for people who are interested in becoming mediators in Virginia. I love teaching because it gives me the chance to confirm what I know. I mean, there’s no better way to solidify information for yourself than to try and explain it to someone else!

Plus, in each workshop there is a dialogue about mediation that feels so fresh. It is invigorating to hear new mediators process through ethical issues, practical challenges, stylistic differences and so much more. It never fails – that at least one person in the class will ask a question that I’ve never thought of… and I love it!

I wish the best of luck to the mediators in training that just finished. For you mediators that have been in the game for a while… I hope you’re as luck as me to have the chance to ride the coat-tails of their enthusiasm!

-Amanda Burbage

I have been working as an intern for the Community Mediation Center for just over a month now. So far, it has been quite a pleasurable experience to be working with such a fine group of people. My coworkers are very friendly, and I am truly excited about my job. I am especially eager to be getting involved with the Summer Youth Program.

Although I have gained knowledge about the mediation process by taking a mediation course at James Madison University, (Go Dukes!!!), this internship has taught me a plethora of skills that could never be learned in a classroom.

By setting up appointments with clients I have definitely learned the art of patience. It never really occurred to me how much hard work was required to arrange schedules that would be suitable for all the parties. Perseverance was also a lesson that was learned from the appointment making process, because very rarely were all parties able to meet at the same time.

In terms of my overall involvement with the Summer Youth Program, I have gained a better understanding of strategic planning; mainly because I have helped in choosing the new material that will be put in the program manuals. I have also learned how to plan group activities as well. The process of brainstorming ideas for these activities has also helped my creativity, because I am forced to think outside the box.

Most of all, however, I believe that the most important thing I have learned from the internship at the Community Mediation Center is how to resolve conflicts more quickly and effectively. Although I have not yet observed a mediation session, this skill has been improved during the course of my internship because I have listened to how my coworkers handle communicating with their clients on the telephone. They always seem to ask very key questions to their clients in order to quickly and effectively resolve the conflict.

I am sure that there will be a wide variety of other skills that will be taught to me during the rest of my time as an intern for the Community Mediation Center, but I just feel blessed to be a part of such a great organization.

-Denver Sicay

Remembering Ken Ferebee


A celebration of the life of Ken Ferebee will be hosted by his family from 4 to 6:30 p.m., Sunday June 8 in Virginia Beach. The address for this very casual event is 5707Oceanfront Avenue. As part of the event, Ken's ashes will be scattered on the beach. I'll be there.

Ken was a volunteer mediator for the Center from 2002 until his death in January 20. His work contributed to the growth of the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program from less that 50 cases a year to over 300 per year. He also was a mentor and contributed to the certification of many new mediators.

Although Ken and I neither worked nor trained together, his death greatly upset me. We did not socialize outside the Center, except for an occasional manly-man lunch. He mediated mostly in court, while I mediated mostly at the Center. Then I began to think about the things we had in common. We were both fathers. We were both divorced. We were both sucked into the military during the Vietnam War. Neither of us saw combat. Although I was a few years older than Ken, we shared the same musical memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television programs and the summers before air conditioning. He had a great sense of humor, laced with sarcasm and wit. His one-liners and zingers were so creative, I laughed even when I was zinged. And he was a great curser, especially when working with a balky printer.

Although we were just work colleagues, I still remember the details of our conversations, the dapper way he dressed, the grey in his hair and beard and that wonderful radio voice, booming obscenities at malfunctioning equipment. From time to time, I meet a mediator Ken helped train and the mediator always talks about how organized and thorough Ken was in his work. The mediator world is still touched by him. And I miss him.

So long, Ken.


Chuck Hardwick

There was a thunderstorm in Prague, Czech Republic, on Sunday. No, I didn’t get this information from the Weather Channel or online. I heard it through the telephone. My son is studying abroad this summer in the Czech Republic and we were talking on the phone when the storm came up. A loud crash of thunder rolled through the airwaves and then, I heard it. Big, fat raindrops plinking on the window and the roof – in Prague, more than 4,300 miles from Virginia Beach! It was as if I was standing right there. So cool! Technology is amazing.

But what is even more amazing to me was that I was able to talk to him, hear his voice. While technology has opened up so many forms of electronic communication –“texting”, email, facebook, chat groups – nothing, for me, takes the place of talking to a person directly. We can hear a smile in their voice, sadness, excitement, or fear. And when we can’t hear a voice, such as with written and/or e-communications – we humans tend to put a “voice” in our heads to the words we read and that “voice” might be leading us to a misunderstanding and conflict.

People-to-people, human-to-human communications are so important and rare in our “online” society. But people crave this kind of communication; this human contact.

So don’t always rely on electronic communications. Pick up the phone and talk to someone. You might hear a rainstorm half way round the world.

-Karen Richards

Breaking Down the Walls in a Juvenile Detention Center with a Writing Workshop

The teens in orange jump suits glare at me as I enter the unit of the lock-down juvenile detention facility. The girls wear their hair pulled back with rubber bands. I cringe when I see the rubber bands. They are the same type of rubber bands that I wrap around the pages of my novel in progress and they are in the girl's hair. Personal hygiene and generic toiletries sit on the window ledge. The unit smells like cleaning antiseptic and laundry detergent. I chew hard on my gum and try not to inhale too deeply.

Twelve pairs of eyes glare at me.

Distrustful.

Angry.

Hostile.

The girl's dare me.

"You can't work with me.

I am bad.

I am a criminal."

I pull out my collection of poetry books.

The routine is the same every Monday when I arrive to facilitate the poetry workshop.

The girls are released from their cells as I enter the unit. They sit in black plastic seats at the tables that weigh a hundred pounds each so no one can pick them up and throw them.

I quickly go through the three rules. "Write from the heart," I say. "Write honestly. No sex. No violence. And no profanity."

I try to ignore the glares coming at me. I know the magic that will happen in the next hour, and how the glares will turn to tears and smiles. But, even so, it's never comfortable in the first ten minutes as twelve teenage girls glare at me.

I begin by sharing with the girls two poetry collections written by youth previously at the detention center. The poetry has been selected from the workshop and then published by the Miller Trust Art Exhibit Program in small books which are distributed to the community and the youth at the detention center.

I read:

In the eyes of my Mother,

I am a failure.

I am a juvenile punk

In the eyes of my Mother

I am a low-life punk.

I am not the son she knew.

I want to change

In the eyes of my Mother.

By the time the girls hear two or three poems, most of them are no longer glaring, and they are ready to write their experiences. However, there is always one girl who continues to resist. "I don't write poetry," she says.

"It doesn't have to rhyme. Just write from the heart. Write your experience." I say.

"I don't spell good,"

"Don't worry about the spelling. Just get the heart out there on paper. Your experience."

"I'm not a writer."

I listen to the girl's resistant words, and I hear what this locked up teen's heart is saying.

"I don't have anything to say."

"I'm not worth anything."

"Don't care about me."

"It's too risky to put myself on paper."

"I will not be vulnerable."

"You can do it." I encourage her.


After a few minutes, I look up and see her pencil moving across her paper.

The girls write and it is silent except for the occasional, "What rhymes with?" or "How do you spell?"

At the end of the hour, it's time for sharing the poems.

Some turn red as they read, others joke and laugh before reading, others tell us how bad their poetry is before reading stunning words of pain and loss.

Then, it is time for the girl who didn't want to write

"It's not very good," she says.

I wait.

"Do I have to?"

I nod.

The girl clears her throat. She shifts. And then she reads,

I am from nothing.

A hole in the wall.

An unnoticed fly on the ceiling.

I am from nothing

But I will not BE nothing.

My breath catches.

The magic of the writing workshop has taken hold. The pain is in the poem. The glare is gone.

When she is done, the girl asks me, "You coming back next week?"

"I'll be here," I say.

"So will I," she says. "I got thirty days."



Mindy Hardwick is a writer who runs a volunteer poetry workshop at Denney Juvenile Justice Center in Everett, Washington. She is the daughter of Chuck Hardwick, a mediator with Community Mediation Center. You can learn more about Mindy at her blog www.mindyhardwick.wordpress.com

Youth Savor New Found Secret


They just seem to open up. Whenever a teenager gets involved in peer mediation, this is what occurs. Remarkably, the troubles that many of them face (or have faced) gain new light. Perspective graces their newly acquired intellect. They think, “if I knew how to do this back then”. They are learning something, that few do and they wholeheartedly accept the privilege.

What they learn is to resolve conflict, peacefully. Among each other and in themselves. This method, this technique, this secret, is for them only. Or at least, that is what they take from it. They understand its benefits and take pride in their new found knowledge. Suddenly, they are in a leadership role, with the opportunity to create real change in people’s lives. They relish it.

To them it is a mixture of coordinating linguistic balance, strategy, emotion and attitude. A modern day Rubix Cube. They take on the role of attorney, guidance counselor and friend. They wear many hats. Mediation, to them, is like a riddle or a puzzle. Solve it and you have a better way of dealing with things. You’ve changed someone. You’ve made a difference. Peer mediators tackle these difficult problems with the sort of youthful enthusiasm that only a high-schooler has.

Having observed dozens of students become certified in peer mediation, it is apparent their willingness to inspire a change in the system. They know, better than anyone else, the dull effects of in-school suspension, or the hostility that lurks in their school’s hallways. They know better than anyone that racism, sexism and more “isms” cause all sorts of misunderstandings within their school’s walls. They understand that gangs are in fact, very real and not just something in D.C. or Los Angeles.

They live with these difficulties everyday, they understand well why some students lash out and others do not. They know about the attitudes, the lifestyles and all the other behind-the-scene details that have brought their peers to a point where conflict is the final outcome. They come to our trainings thinking that they can change all this and it is inspiring.

More than anyone, they understand that there is a need for something more. They see it all and they live it everyday. Something to prevent, react and intervene. To them, this is the power of peer mediation. It is the solution they’ve been waiting for.

-Jason Clevenger

Mediation skills come in handy in so many situations. Recently my Nana died and family came from far and wide to be with her in her final days and more family and friends came for the funeral and more after that. You would assume this would be a time of family supporting family and everyone pitching in to help. Well as it turns out, stress and grief cause emotions and reactions to run high. There was a lot of gossiping and talking behind people’s backs. There was arguing about what was best for Nana. Everyone thought they were an expert and were going to make sure that what they thought should happen happened. As it turned out Nana’s four daughters needed a mediator! I found myself running back and forth between the four of them trying to clarify their positions and restate that position to the others. Everyone’s underlying interest was the same…what was best for Nana.


Well Nana died peacefully at the end of March and then the real drama began…who got what! People were sneaking around taking this and that, trying not to cause a conflict but wanting to hold on to a little piece of Nana. No one really got upset about what anyone else wanted to have except when one of my aunt’s asked where Nana’s wedding rings were. One sneaky family member had quietly taken them and only a few people knew but no one was talking. We will really need a mediator if the aunt finds out where they really are. I’m just glad nobody looked for Nana’s special ice cream scoop…because it’s in my kitchen drawer!

-Sara Foote

There was a song of my youth that included the line, “Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 65?” Okay, so the age was 64 in this song. But hey, I’m officially old and I’m a writer so I can make up stuff. When I was younger and heard songs about love and aging, I thought I would never be that old.

So here I am at 65. Who’d of thunk it? This year I enter the federal maze known as Medicare. Next year, I start drawing Social Security. Maybe I’ll be able to afford a car with a working air conditioner. I’ll still work, cuz I can’t imagine myself just sitting around, doing nothing.

I’ve been roaming this planet for six and a half decades now, and I wonder where the time has gone. I’m relatively healthy. And I feel as good as my hip allows. But I get all the senior discounts at stores without being carded, so I must look like a senior. Funny, it feels more like middle age to me. I come from genetic stock that includes a long life, so I figure I have a couple more good decades left.

It’s a time of reflection for me; about the wonderful times and the awful times, about the good and bad decisions I have made in my life, about the people in my life who are no longer here and about where I am now and the direction I will go in the near future.

In the 60s, when I was in my 20s, I finished my education, was drafted into the military and got married. A lot of changes went on in that decade and ended with my wife carrying our first child.

In my 30s, I started a family and added a second child, bought my first house and built my career as a journalist.

The 80s brought tumultuous changes. We had a third child and I stayed home with her as a Mr. Mom, long before the movie. I had an opportunity to work for myself, and took it, making more money than working for other people. It was the decade of my divorce, and, in my 40s, of falling in love again.

The 90s began tragically with the death of my girlfriend’s child. His dying process ended our relationship and not only broke my heart, but also my spirit. So I returned to my mother’s house in Norfolk, a quivering emotional mess. I thought I would need about six months of walking the beach and sorting out my emotions, then return to the Midwest. That was 15 years ago.

In my 50s, I worked restaurants and learned it was hard work, but I was enjoying life again. That career ended when my hip fell off and for a year after the surgery, I did not work. The Senior Services job program placed me at something called the Dispute Settlement Center. One of the first questions I asked was, “Mediation? What’s that?” And look at me now. As a mediator and a parent educator, I offer help to those going through a painful period of their lives.

Today, when I stand before the Saturday morning parenting class I see the pain, anger and frustration in the faces of these parents. When they ask if things will get better, my answer is “Been there. Done that. Trust me, you will recover, but it will take time and hard work.” Many probably don’t believe me, but if they let go of the past, the future will get better.

Those classes have brought me some wonderful moments, and some sad ones. One year, a participant sent me a Christmas card, noting that she had a lot of fun in the parenting class. You’re not supposed to have fun in the parenting class, but I try to make it as informal as possible and use humor to illustrate certain points. I will never forget the pain expressed on a young parent’s face. He was ordered into the class after filing a motion to amend his child support because his son had died. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to. His expression and body language said it all.

I prefer mediating Family cases to ones involving General District Court. The Family cases can be a lot more emotionally complex and at times I want to tell the parents that this is not about them; it’s about their children. I also understand the upheaval they and their children are experiencing and I know it is a very difficult time for everyone, but especially the children. As a mediator, I am neutral, but I can still be an advocate for children by nudging the discussion toward what’s best for them.

So my life experiences come into play in subtle ways. I don’t always realize it until later, when I’m reflecting on a case or a parenting class or even remembering some event in my past and relating it to what I’m doing now.

Nearly six years ago, I did not know what mediation was. And now I am a mediator. Life takes odd twists.

-Chuck Hardwick

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said, “mediation – what’s that?” If I did have those dollars, I could afford a TV spot during the superbowl, and then everyone would know!

The funny thing is that after I explain mediation (as a process where people work through disagreement towards joint resolution with the help of a neutral facilitator) the reaction is usually one of “oh yeah”. I don’t think they say “oh yeah” as if they just forgot the meaning of the word. It sounds more like an “aha” disguised as an “oh yeah”. In other words, after I explain mediation, it makes so much sense to them it’s as if they finally heard the word that describes something they intuitively already knew. Mediation is the type of dispute resolution process that people want; it’s what they strive for even before they seek out third party assistance.

Mediation makes sense – to the mind and to the heart. So, even though I still wish I had those dollars, I’m very happy to help people discover a dispute resolution process that strikes a chord.

-Amanda Burbage

Just like laughter has no calories, Mediation has no judge. Not to say that judges are bad individuals, but some of them tend to make decisions that are not in the best interest of the people involved, especially when it comes to families. I have been helping out with the Co-Parenting class here at the center for a few months now, and a little while back a parent said something that I will never forget.

She was in the process of reviewing a visitation agreement because her daughter is getting older. We all know that as we grow older more things change in our daily lifestyle and routines. The daughter had the typical child custody arrangements: Monday-Thursday with mom, and Friday-Sunday every other weekend with dad.

Well, the child asked her mom to update their agreement because the dad wasn’t willing to bend on the arrangement to allow for the daughter’s extracurricular activities. The child made a valid point when she told her parents that, “I am not a piece of furniture that you can just pick up and move whenever you want.”

That statement is why I believe judges do not always make the best decisions when it comes to families because they don’t intimately know the family or child involved in the case. They only know them on paper and as a docket number, which is why mediation is so important when it comes to resolving family disputes. Often, judges must make decisions quickly with a limited amount of information. Consequently, significant non-legal factors may not be considered in the judgment, like extracurricular activities. In mediation, the parties collaborate in reaching an agreement that satisfies everyone’s needs and concerns.

Mediation allows everyone’s voice to be heard. I am sure if the family in this particular case sat down together in mediation, the father would be able to see that it is not about him or the mother, but about what is in the best interest of the child.

-Veronica Hill

Well, it has been one year since I started at the CMC and what a year! There are so many amazing things that happen at the center that unless you are here every day, you might not see. Did you know that the CMC does conflict management presentations for all types of organizations and groups for free? This past year, the CMC has talked to professional organizations, civic groups, schools, neighborhood leagues and even university resident Assistants.

Did you know that the CMC works with youth in gangs helping them to transition out of this lifestyle? The CMC even works with these same youth and their parents to restore peace within the family unit.

Did you know that no one is ever turned away from mediation because of their inability to pay? The CMC offers pricing affordable to everyone. The CMC believes in the power of mediation and knows that everyone can benefit from the process.

How about the Peer Mediation Programs in schools? Did you know the CMC has trained 3 local high schools in peer mediation and that one school, Granby, has nearly 7 times the amount of referrals than any in the state? The students state that they are extremely satisfied with the process and are actually self referring when they have issues.

Did you know that the CMC served 1,466 parents and 893 children through family mediation services and parenting training last year alone; helped 1,081 citizens come to a resolution of their conflicts; trained 179 parents in how to keep their children out of adult conflict; trained 574 at-risk youth in violence prevention skills and trained 1,325 adults in community workshop on conflict resolution. The Center served 2,856 people who were at or below 125% of the poverty level and considered indigent. An additional 1,531 low-income family members or individuals were served who were at or below 200% of the poverty level.
It is amazing all the wonderful services the CMC provides with such a small staff. The difference is that although the staff size is small, their passion and dedication to community service and to helping their community resolve conflict is enormous.

I cannot wait to learn more as I know that what we do truly makes a difference in our community. If you want to learn more, call us at 757-480-2777


Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

Farewell to a Friend

It is with a heavy heart that Community Mediation Center of Southeastern Virginia (CMC) announces the sudden passing in January of good friend, mediator and mentor Ken Ferebee.


In 2002 Ken was searching for an organization that could use his experience working with media sales and a local victim-witness offender program. Thankfully, he found us! Because of Ken's efforts, the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program grew from its infancy with less than 50 GDC cases a year to over 300 per year regularly offering on-site mediation services in almost all local courts. After two years of volunteering at court, Ken became an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer with the CMC and served for an additional 3 years. In addition to working at local courts Ken was an excellent advocate for mediation, consistently working with clerks, judges and other court professionals encouraging the referral of mediation cases. Ken was personally responsible for mentoring many of the mediators in southeastern Virginia.

Ken had a remarkable way with community members, helping them understand the benefits of mediation and getting them comfortable with the process. Not only did he communicate well in mediation, he also was great at communicating with crowds! It has been said that Ken did the best "try mediation" speech, helped by his smooth Virginia Beach native style and calming tone.

Ken was honored by the CMC in 2004 with a Peacemaker award for his self-motivated spirit. Ken was a veteran, serving in the US Coast Guard during the Vietnam War. He also was a devoted father and grandfather.

Ken was remarkably talented and responsible for designing CMC's creative logo - the dove/hand and heart - as well creating many of the mediation brochures and flyers the CMC has used during the past 6 years. He put his graphic design talents to work again by creating posters for each of the local general district courts, encouraging readers to try mediation.

Ken will truly be missed, not only for his efforts training mediators and organizing cases, but also for his experience, encouragement, great sense of humor and caring spirit around the office. As fellow CMC staff member, Chuck Hardwick recalls, "we shared the same memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television commercials and the summers before air-conditioning. Ken had a great sense of humor, laced with wit. His melodious radio voice will never be forgotten."

Please come join the CMC as we celebrate Ken's life and service to the mediation community on Thursday, March 20th. From 5:00pm to 6:00pm, share your personal stories about Ken. From 6:00pm to 7:30pm the CMC is hosting an Open House for the community as part of March is Mediation Month. Plan to stay and participate in CMC's version of March Madness.

If you have personal memories of Ken you wold like to share with CMC, please share it our blog. If you wold like to make a donation in Ken's memory, please do so online or mail to Attn: Finding Common Ground Endowment Fund, 586 Virginian Drive, Norfolk VA 23505.

Sincerely,

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director
757-480-2777

Motherhood and Mediation

As mediators, we acquire most of our training through classroom training, observations, co-mediations and hands on application. If we look hard enough, we would see that the opportunity to utilize theses skills surrounds us at every turn. Little did I realize that many of my mediation skills would be put to the test during my first six weeks of motherhood.

Maternity leave is often the opportunity to learn basic caretaking techniques. My experience went beyond dirty diapers and burp clothes, and transcended into the professional realm. I worked on becoming a better mother and mediator.

Our clients are not that different from infants at times. We’ve all had that client who whined constantly, cried inconsolably; some may have even kept you up at night. How did you deal with this situation? Did you find the right words to help facilitate peaceful resolution of conflict? Did you exhibit patience during this session or were you about to pull your hair out?

It took me six weeks of active listening with my son to figure out what he was trying to say to me. It can be a challenge to distinguish the “poopie” or “hunger” cry from the “sleepy,” “cranky,” or “I just want to be held” cry. Our clients speak their own language and it is up to us to decipher what their positions and interests are so we can better assess their needs. As we all know, rarely do people ever come out directly and tell us what they are thinking or feeling. It is up to us to treat this as a jigsaw puzzle and fill in the missing pieces. This is where patience and active listening become so critical in mediation.

After dismissing my son’s crying as a normal right of passage for me to transcend into motherhood, I realized that he really was trying to communicate to me. I just wasn’t listening. Every cry was for a reason. If it were not for his fussiness I would not feed him, change him, or soothe him. It was up to me to take a step back, take a breath, and truly listen with both ears to meet his needs. I am sure this same technique would work to meet our clients needs. Patience and active listening will not only make me a better mother, but also a better mediator. What can you do differently in your next mediation session?

To avoid or not to avoid...
Have you ever called someone when you knew they wouldn’t be home just so you could leave them a voicemail instead of actually having to speak to them? How about sending an e-mail or a text message instead of picking up the phone? People who do this type of thing, me included, are conflict avoiders. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being an avoider of conflict. It doesn’t mean that you let people step all over you it just means that if you can avoid conflict you do.


However, sometimes you avoid conflict for so long that it affects you negatively. For instance, I have been avoiding having a conversation with a family member of mine for months. It is costing me a lot financially because I don’t want to have this conversation.


What’s the worst that could happen if you face a potential conflict head on? Oh my gosh…it could actually get resolved in a way that is mutually acceptable to both parties involved! So let’s pick up that phone when we know they are home and give them call instead of a text. Let’s just face things head on in this new year and remember the ancient proverb: Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

- Sara Foote

Dating and the Mediator - Part 3

Sometimes I hate being a mediator. Sometimes I don’t want to make that commitment to being a good listener and communicator. A recent incident that demonstrates this desire is a 5 day discussion I had with my boyfriend over the number of glasses that we were going to have in our kitchen cupboard. He had 24 and then became insistent on 18. I had paired them down to 14 – I figured that was 2 a day for a week – it made sense to me. Oh no, that was crazy talk. How could one person be expected to use only TWO glasses a day? My answer was if someone used more than 14 glasses a week than they just needed to learn to do dishes more (I am currently only there on the weekend, all of this is in preparation for my gradual move in).

I noticed both of digging into our positions, so I asked a good open-ended question to try to expose his interests, “Help me understand why it is important for you to have so many glasses.” Well, he gave me stupid answers like, “I drink more than one type of beverage a day and you can’t mix milk and juice.” To which I responded, “So just rinse out the glass and its like you never put the milk in there.” To which he responded, “Ew! You can’t do that, the glass is contaminated!” So again, I asked, help me understand how that is different than what happens in the dishwasher. Soap, my friends, soap, also the glass may not be contaminated but the beverage is definitely watered down by the droplets of water left on the glass and furthermore, it is just too much work to dry the glass. When asked if his drink has ever tasted watered down he responded, “That is not the point, I know the water is in there.” Of course my reasoning was just, “Look, 18 glasses is excessive.”

He finally got me with the symmetry interest – that 18 glasses would be three rows of six, half a cabinet and symmetrical. Finally! An interest we both share! Its organized and pleasing to the eye, a bridge was being built. I wanted to put in one last bid to see if I could win and offered 15 glasses as a way to meet his symmetry argument – that would be 3 rows of 5. No. It had to be 18. I was just about ready to give in and let him have the 18 until he said, “I am putting my foot down about the 18 glasses.” Oh really? Foot down? I thought to myself well, he has drawn his line in the sand, I can continue to collaborate and try to come to a win-win or I can draw my line. I drew my line. I actually was about to give in until the foot came down. At this point the conflict was no longer about what the right amount glasses was appropriate for our storage capacity, but about who was right and who was wrong. This was no longer a problem solving session – it was a competition.

So our conflict was escalated by us each focusing on positions rather than interests and also by both parties not wanting to move much. Also, our positions were fueled a lot by our different world views. We see this in mediation all the time. Sometimes someone has to give up a lot or completely in order to see a conflict resolved. I had to either outwait the king of stubbornness or let him have what he wanted. This is where I had to look outside the walls of my conflict to evaluate what was really important to me. Was it important to me to win and be “right”? What did I really gain? What did I lose? I had to look at these aspects and decide what I really valued was not having hour long discussions on a daily basis about 18 stupid glasses, or really it was 3 glasses since I was willing to allow 15. I needed to look at the big picture. A lot of times this is what clients in mediation need. They get tunnel vision and can only see one aspect of their problem. There is usually a whole other world outside of that one little bit. I realized this with the glasses and I gave in. He has his three rows of six. They are after all, just glasses.

Mandy Stallings

Perception is Reality

“Perception is reality.” I heard this phrase at a meeting recently and have come to understand that this “perception” is “reality” and is at the root of most conflicts.

Think about it. Someone sends you an email and you sense or “perceive” that the sender is upset, angry or distressed with you. What’s going on internally for you at that moment? For many people that “perception” becomes the reality: they know the sender is upset or angry with them. They then react based on that “reality”. Meanwhile, the email sender has their own “reality” which often is different from the receiver’s perception. So when they receive the response from the other person they are baffled and they create a new perception which becomes their reality.

Email isn’t the only culprit – phone calls, conversations – direct and overheard, comments, written communications – all these forms of communication fall prey to this simple “reality”.

So what do we do about this? The key seems to be to remember this simple principle and, before “reacting”, take a step back and consider: “Is my perception truly the reality of the situation?” Then, communicate openly with the other person to get clear on what that person meant by that communication. It could be your perception was correct. On the other hand, you might find you were way off base and, simply by “checking in” with the person were able to avoid a tense conflict situation.

Karen Richards