The importance of being heard
I have been a mediator since 1993 and have trained mediators here at the Community Mediation Center since 1998. In reflecting on why mediation means so much to me, I realize it is because mediation can begin a healing process for people in conflict. And because people have a desperate need to talk to someone and be “heard”.
Being heard is not just about listening with ears but hearing with the heart and mind. It is about making a human-to-human connection in an ever increasing digital world.
Listening is the essence of mediation for me. That is why I am so passionate about mediators utilizing the reflective listening technique during the mediation process. Reflective listening summarizes what someone has said by linking content (the overall theme of what was said) with feeling.
When identifying the content of a statement, the mediator doesn’t just “parrot” what was said but captures the key theme or subject by dropping away nonessential information and “laundering” the language so it is palatable for all participants in the mediation.
Then, link that content with the feeling expressed. It is the acknowledgement of the feeling which truly helps people feel “heard”. Feelings are essential to human nature and so often in society those feelings are denied. When that happens, pressure builds up to the breaking point. Just look at the newspaper or listen to the news for examples of this.
In all my years of mediation, I have seen the magic woven by reflective listening. Emotions have deescalated and there is such a relief in voice and body language when people feel heard.
So don’t forget to use reflective listening as much as possible in mediation. I’ll be listening…..
Karen Richards
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Mediator Tips
Caucus
A caucus is a time when mediators will meet with each party separately. It should be used sparingly, and only when other avenues have not been effective. Caucusing should not occur unless both parties agree it is necessary and timely.
When to caucus
Caucus
A caucus is a time when mediators will meet with each party separately. It should be used sparingly, and only when other avenues have not been effective. Caucusing should not occur unless both parties agree it is necessary and timely.
When to caucus
- When you need independent clarification to confirm suspected spousal, substance or child abuse that may prohibit the parties from speaking freely in front of each other and may be a reason to discontinue the process.
- When the level of hostility is so intense that it inhibits communication.
- When either of the parties repeatedly responds in an unproductive way to questions, the other party, or options toward resolution.
Reasons for caucus
- To allow disputants to ventilate
- To assist parties to negotiate
- To clarify goals and concerns
- To generate options
- To examine alternatives
The Mediator's approach in caucus
Focus on the reason for the caucus. Determine with your co-mediator what you want to accomplish.
- Gaining additional information.
Example: "Could you tell me specifically what you mean when you say that Jane's method of disciplining Bobby is not right. Can you give us an example?"
or
Example: "It sounds to me like when you drink, your behavior effects Jane. Knowing this, are you willing to address the drinking?" - Reality testing to ask the party if mediation should continue and to explore other options for resolution.
Example: "I've noticed that you are having difficulty being in the same room with Bob. I sense that you are angry and frustrated. What I am concerned about is whether this process is doable for you right now. What do you think? It is my feeling that you may need to think about other options and how they might resolve the issue.” - Coaching clients when they are stuck and want to save face.
Example: "You are trying very hard, but my sense is that when you bring up Jane's indiscretion it blocks your progress when discussing parenting. Our hope for you is that your children will benefit from having both parents working cooperatively to raise them. Do you agree that we should focus on the children?"
Remember that even in caucus you must be aware of what you are saying and how you are phrasing your words. Be clear about your concerns and use "I" messages. Don't try to solve the problem- they have the solution. Focus on what can change: you can’t change the past but can change the future.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Mediator Tips
The Transformative Approach
Robert Baruch Bush and Joseph Folger have identified 3 general approaches to mediation in their book, The Promise of Mediation. They are as follows:
Satisfaction Story: A problem-solving approach that is currently being used by most practitioners.
Social Justice Story: Those who view mediation's goal as a way of building consensus-for-change within a larger group such as community.
Transformation Story: Refers to those practitioners who approach mediation as a way to change the participants and, thereby, change society.
The Transformation approach is based on two interconnected concepts: empowerment, which leads to recognition.
Empowerment
"Is achieved when the party experiences a strengthened awareness of their own self-worth and their ability to deal with the difficulties they face regardless of external constraints."
People are empowered during mediation when they participate in:
-Identifying both needs and goals:
She has a clearer realization than before of what matters to her and why.
-Suggests Options:
He is aware of a range of choices to meet his goals. He has control over his choices and has the choice to accept or reject mediation, legal advice etc.
-Skill Development:
She increases or adds to her own skills in communication, conflict resolution, listening, organizing and analysis.
-Resources:
He gains new awareness of resources already in his possession. He realizes more clearly than before that he holds something that is of value to the other party; he can communicate and persuade effectively; his resources can be rearranged to make them reach further.
-Decision Making:
She reflects, deliberates and makes conscious decisions for herself. She assesses the strengths and weaknesses of her arguments (and the other party's) and makes decisions in that light.
Recognition
"Is achieved when empowerment is present -- and they are willing to acknowledge and be responsive to the other persons' situation and common human qualities."
Recognition occurs only if the person experiences some degree of empowerment. Recognition is given to the other person when:
Cognitive (Attribution) Processes:
-She realizes that, she has the capacity to reflect about, consider, and acknowledges in some way the situation of the other party. She realizes and feels secure enough to stop thinking exclusively about her own situation and to focus to some degree on the other party.
-She realizes that beyond her capacity to analyze cognitively she has a desire to acknowledge the other person in an objective way.
-She realizes that she wants to focus her attention on what the other person is experiencing and find a way to acknowledge that experience on a human level.
-She is able to engage in reinterpreting past conduct and events in light of new information and deduce from that information a new perspective about the person and the conflict.
Words of Recognition:
-She openly acknowledges her new and changed understanding. She admits that she sees things differently (openly or privately).
-She accompanies her statement of a new perspective with an apology.
-She apologizes for her own past behaviors based on misinterpreting the other's previous behaviors without knowing about situational factors.
Actions of Recognition:
-She makes decisions in light of her changed understanding.
-She accepts the past and is willing to focus on the future.
-She regrets not having the sufficient resources to change a decision.
-She offers other suggestions in light of limited resources.
The Transformative Approach
Robert Baruch Bush and Joseph Folger have identified 3 general approaches to mediation in their book, The Promise of Mediation. They are as follows:
Satisfaction Story: A problem-solving approach that is currently being used by most practitioners.
Social Justice Story: Those who view mediation's goal as a way of building consensus-for-change within a larger group such as community.
Transformation Story: Refers to those practitioners who approach mediation as a way to change the participants and, thereby, change society.
The Transformation approach is based on two interconnected concepts: empowerment, which leads to recognition.
Empowerment
"Is achieved when the party experiences a strengthened awareness of their own self-worth and their ability to deal with the difficulties they face regardless of external constraints."
People are empowered during mediation when they participate in:
-Identifying both needs and goals:
She has a clearer realization than before of what matters to her and why.
-Suggests Options:
He is aware of a range of choices to meet his goals. He has control over his choices and has the choice to accept or reject mediation, legal advice etc.
-Skill Development:
She increases or adds to her own skills in communication, conflict resolution, listening, organizing and analysis.
-Resources:
He gains new awareness of resources already in his possession. He realizes more clearly than before that he holds something that is of value to the other party; he can communicate and persuade effectively; his resources can be rearranged to make them reach further.
-Decision Making:
She reflects, deliberates and makes conscious decisions for herself. She assesses the strengths and weaknesses of her arguments (and the other party's) and makes decisions in that light.
Recognition
"Is achieved when empowerment is present -- and they are willing to acknowledge and be responsive to the other persons' situation and common human qualities."
Recognition occurs only if the person experiences some degree of empowerment. Recognition is given to the other person when:
Cognitive (Attribution) Processes:
-She realizes that, she has the capacity to reflect about, consider, and acknowledges in some way the situation of the other party. She realizes and feels secure enough to stop thinking exclusively about her own situation and to focus to some degree on the other party.
-She realizes that beyond her capacity to analyze cognitively she has a desire to acknowledge the other person in an objective way.
-She realizes that she wants to focus her attention on what the other person is experiencing and find a way to acknowledge that experience on a human level.
-She is able to engage in reinterpreting past conduct and events in light of new information and deduce from that information a new perspective about the person and the conflict.
Words of Recognition:
-She openly acknowledges her new and changed understanding. She admits that she sees things differently (openly or privately).
-She accompanies her statement of a new perspective with an apology.
-She apologizes for her own past behaviors based on misinterpreting the other's previous behaviors without knowing about situational factors.
Actions of Recognition:
-She makes decisions in light of her changed understanding.
-She accepts the past and is willing to focus on the future.
-She regrets not having the sufficient resources to change a decision.
-She offers other suggestions in light of limited resources.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Spreading the message with booth displays
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said – “Community Mediation. What’s that?”
Spreading the word about mediation services and volunteer opportunities is tough! One thing we do at the Community Mediation Center is connect with the community with booth displays. Everyone has been to a trade show or conference where there are vendors – and it’s practically the same. Expand your scope to include information tables at council meetings, parent teacher meetings, civic league meetings, parks and recreation department fun days, State of the City events, little league registration drives… Basically, any time there’s an event – WHY NOT?
Keep the message simple too. If we’re at an event focused on youth, then we talk about peer mediation. If its focused on communities, then neighborhood mediation and facilitated dialogues are the trick. The number one thing to do when you do a community booth display is to get their contact information. People appreciate a follow up letter, phone call, or email that’s personalized – it shows you’re thoughtful and that you remember them and that you’re committed to making your program successful.
It never fails – at every display someone tells me “Thank You,” for doing the work or for attending their event. The impact is clear… more people know about mediation and how to gain access to it!
Amanda Burbage
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said – “Community Mediation. What’s that?”
Spreading the word about mediation services and volunteer opportunities is tough! One thing we do at the Community Mediation Center is connect with the community with booth displays. Everyone has been to a trade show or conference where there are vendors – and it’s practically the same. Expand your scope to include information tables at council meetings, parent teacher meetings, civic league meetings, parks and recreation department fun days, State of the City events, little league registration drives… Basically, any time there’s an event – WHY NOT?
Keep the message simple too. If we’re at an event focused on youth, then we talk about peer mediation. If its focused on communities, then neighborhood mediation and facilitated dialogues are the trick. The number one thing to do when you do a community booth display is to get their contact information. People appreciate a follow up letter, phone call, or email that’s personalized – it shows you’re thoughtful and that you remember them and that you’re committed to making your program successful.
It never fails – at every display someone tells me “Thank You,” for doing the work or for attending their event. The impact is clear… more people know about mediation and how to gain access to it!
Amanda Burbage
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Expectations in Mediation
When I first began mediating at the Virginia Beach GDC (Civil), my main goal was to reach an agreement. It took nearly a year of mediations before it occurred to me that I didn’t have the my goals in order and my mediation technique amounted to pushing the clients toward resolution and not infrequently going astray from the process which is presented in General Mediation Training. And my stress over getting an agreement and overall anxiousness was leaking over to the clients, making them uncomfortable and sometimes angry.
Eventually, I began to get my mediation goals in better perspective. The change came gradually. But I came to see that by putting aside expectations of getting agreements, forgetting about how agreements would “make me look good” I could relax and calmly listen to client’s stories. Today the first step before mediations is to drop all expectations. Not all cases are meant to be mediated and resolved. These days I try relax and listen, tell clients about mediation let the process lead where it may.
The ironic thing is my settlement rate is better now that I stopped having expectations about all cases getting resolved. Client evaluations are more favorable and friction between clients and I has seriously declined. No buttons pushed or blow-ups. No calls from Geetha this year either! Call me a slow learner, but there is no substitute for mediating as much as possible to learn and grow professionally.
Ken Ferebee
4/13/06
When I first began mediating at the Virginia Beach GDC (Civil), my main goal was to reach an agreement. It took nearly a year of mediations before it occurred to me that I didn’t have the my goals in order and my mediation technique amounted to pushing the clients toward resolution and not infrequently going astray from the process which is presented in General Mediation Training. And my stress over getting an agreement and overall anxiousness was leaking over to the clients, making them uncomfortable and sometimes angry.
Eventually, I began to get my mediation goals in better perspective. The change came gradually. But I came to see that by putting aside expectations of getting agreements, forgetting about how agreements would “make me look good” I could relax and calmly listen to client’s stories. Today the first step before mediations is to drop all expectations. Not all cases are meant to be mediated and resolved. These days I try relax and listen, tell clients about mediation let the process lead where it may.
The ironic thing is my settlement rate is better now that I stopped having expectations about all cases getting resolved. Client evaluations are more favorable and friction between clients and I has seriously declined. No buttons pushed or blow-ups. No calls from Geetha this year either! Call me a slow learner, but there is no substitute for mediating as much as possible to learn and grow professionally.
Ken Ferebee
4/13/06
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Reflective Listening
In order for the storytelling part of a mediation to be effective, a mediator must know how to listen and respond to what each party is saying. Doing this in such a way as to make each party feel heard is called reflective listening. Reflective listening has two moments:
1. Hearing and understanding both the words and the body language
2. Communicating back succintly the content and feelings you have heard using your own words.
Reflective listening requires two skills which are equally important:
1. Attending Skills- This includes one's posture, physical contact, gestures, interested silence, acknowledgment responses and environment.
2. Responding skills- These are verbal communications that capture the essence of the story in terms of content, feelings and meanings you have heard. In order to respond effectively you must summarize by 'chunking down' larger segments through paraphrasing and laundering language.
Example:
Party's story: "I am so tired of being lied to, he makes promises about the rent and then acts like we never discussed it. I feel like I'm getting the runaround. This has really been a tough time for me and he's taking advantage of the whole thing."
Mediator's Response: "It sounds like you have been frustrated by not receiving the rent when you expected and that past communications have not been productive. Before we move on, can you expand on how the rent was arranged in the past?"
In order for the storytelling part of a mediation to be effective, a mediator must know how to listen and respond to what each party is saying. Doing this in such a way as to make each party feel heard is called reflective listening. Reflective listening has two moments:
1. Hearing and understanding both the words and the body language
2. Communicating back succintly the content and feelings you have heard using your own words.
Reflective listening requires two skills which are equally important:
1. Attending Skills- This includes one's posture, physical contact, gestures, interested silence, acknowledgment responses and environment.
2. Responding skills- These are verbal communications that capture the essence of the story in terms of content, feelings and meanings you have heard. In order to respond effectively you must summarize by 'chunking down' larger segments through paraphrasing and laundering language.
Example:
Party's story: "I am so tired of being lied to, he makes promises about the rent and then acts like we never discussed it. I feel like I'm getting the runaround. This has really been a tough time for me and he's taking advantage of the whole thing."
Mediator's Response: "It sounds like you have been frustrated by not receiving the rent when you expected and that past communications have not been productive. Before we move on, can you expand on how the rent was arranged in the past?"
Friday, April 07, 2006
Joan McCary
On April 5, Joan McCary, a board member and exceptional volunteer at the Community Mediation Center, passed away from cancer.
For 10 years Joan has served as a community volunteer mediator bringing peace to families, neighbors, and organizations throughtout Hampton Roads. Always an inspiration, she made that extra effort to help people solve problems and communicate in ways to better their lives. As a selfless volunteer, mediator, mentor and board member her service has made such a difference and community impact. Joan was truly an exceptional human being and we will remember her for all the strength of spirit, good humor and dedication that she brought to every challenge.
Bob Glover
Community Mediation Center
On April 5, Joan McCary, a board member and exceptional volunteer at the Community Mediation Center, passed away from cancer.
For 10 years Joan has served as a community volunteer mediator bringing peace to families, neighbors, and organizations throughtout Hampton Roads. Always an inspiration, she made that extra effort to help people solve problems and communicate in ways to better their lives. As a selfless volunteer, mediator, mentor and board member her service has made such a difference and community impact. Joan was truly an exceptional human being and we will remember her for all the strength of spirit, good humor and dedication that she brought to every challenge.
Bob Glover
Community Mediation Center
Monday, April 03, 2006
Mediator Tips
Positions vs. Interests
Positions are things that we decide. Interests are the reasons behind our decisions. As a mediator, it is important to try and identify interests rather than focusing on positions as interests start discussion between participants while positions end it. Positions are solutions to problems, specific and definite, and require justification. It is when we focus on positions that arguments develop. Interests are the reasons behind why a solution is preferred and require explanation rather than justification.
In order to draw out a participant's interests, ask open ended questions to generate more information in storytelling. The more information that is revealed, the less vulnerable people will feel as they will be exposing a universal human need. When people can hear about all this information, it can assist them in reassessing their position.
To get the difference between interests and positions, think about this story:
Two men were quarreling in a library. One wants the window open and the other wants it closed. They bicker back and forth about how much to leave it open; a crack, halfway, three quarters of the way. No solution satisfies them both.
Enter the librarian. She asks one why he wants the window open: "To get some fresh air." She asks the other why he wants it closed: "To avoid the draft." After thinking a minute, she opens wide a window in the next room, bringing in fresh air without a draft. She looked to their underlying interests of fresh air and no draft. this difference between positions and interests is crucial.
- Mary Parker Follett
Positions vs. Interests
Positions are things that we decide. Interests are the reasons behind our decisions. As a mediator, it is important to try and identify interests rather than focusing on positions as interests start discussion between participants while positions end it. Positions are solutions to problems, specific and definite, and require justification. It is when we focus on positions that arguments develop. Interests are the reasons behind why a solution is preferred and require explanation rather than justification.
In order to draw out a participant's interests, ask open ended questions to generate more information in storytelling. The more information that is revealed, the less vulnerable people will feel as they will be exposing a universal human need. When people can hear about all this information, it can assist them in reassessing their position.
To get the difference between interests and positions, think about this story:
Two men were quarreling in a library. One wants the window open and the other wants it closed. They bicker back and forth about how much to leave it open; a crack, halfway, three quarters of the way. No solution satisfies them both.
Enter the librarian. She asks one why he wants the window open: "To get some fresh air." She asks the other why he wants it closed: "To avoid the draft." After thinking a minute, she opens wide a window in the next room, bringing in fresh air without a draft. She looked to their underlying interests of fresh air and no draft. this difference between positions and interests is crucial.
- Mary Parker Follett
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)