What we have here is a failure to communicate


I'm standing at the base of the Space Needle in Seattle, WA with my adult children, Mindy, Thom and Becca. Before being allowed on the express elevator (500 feet in 41 seconds), we have to see the man behind the desk about our reservation. Our name is not on the list. The conversation goes like this:

Mindy: "I thought you made the reservation, Thom."
Thom: "I tried, but I didn't have a credit card, so I asked Dad to make the reservation."
Dad: "Becca told me you made the reservation, Mindy."
Becca: "No I didn't."

We had this conversation about three times, before the man behind the desk began laughing. It's okay, he said, they were not busy and we could go up to the restaurant. We were seated within a few minutes. A Wednesday afternoon in October is not exactly prime tourist season for Seattle. If it had been prime tourist season, the lack of communications between four adults might have resulted in an awkward situation and lunch about 3 p.m., if we could get in.

Whenever I teach the parenting class, one sticky point that always comes up is a lack of communication between the parents. A lot of emotion is usually involved and it's sometimes difficult to talk to each other, even about mundane things like pick up and drop off times for the children. Communication isn't always about talking to each other. Those situations can be resolved by working with a third party or using a notebook that includes special instructiions for medicines, homework assignments or piano lessons. Using a notebook helps communicate important information. It's important that everyone knows about visitation schedules, support payments and other details of adults involved in seperation.

That information should be shared with children, to help make them feel a little more assured that they will have time with each parent. Children need structure and routine and they need to know when they will be with each parent.

Perhaps the most important communications link is between parent and child. Children do not have a voice in the seperation process. Their lives are simply turned upsidedown by adults making drastic, and sometimes sudden, decisions. How parents communicate what is happening depends on the age of the child. But even young children notice the changes and ask questions. This is not a time to bash the other parent as the reason for the seperation. Even a simple statement like, "Your mom and I are not going to live together, but I will still be in your life" can be reassuring.

A young woman reflected on her experience when her parents seperated when she was 6. Two people I really loved, my dad and brother, were simply gone, she recalled. Then there was a new man in the house and we moved 1,200 miles away. Nobody would tell me anything. My dad wasn't there to tell me what was happening and my mom wouldn't talk about it at all. It was very confusing and painful. The young woman is my daughter, now 25. Her recollection is going to translate into a strong statement in the parenting classes to sit down and communicate with children, regardless of age.

All this writing and memories of the good food in Seattle is making me hungry. I think it's my turn to make dinner reservations.

Chuck Hardwick