Reflective Listening Works!

Recently I had an experience that reinforced how helpful reflective listening is. I was leading a discussion at the Unitarian Church in Norfolk about war profiteering in which several of the participants were very animated, using their time to complain about the state of affairs in the world today and the people they would like to hold accountable.

After the discussion ended, one participant approached me to complain about how I moderated the discussion, saying that I should have kept such "grandstanding" to a minimum. Given that this was the first negative comment I had gotten after three months of leading discussions, I felt it important to understand exactly what his criticism was. I spent about 7 minutes listening to him, pausing only to summarize what he was saying and ask some questions to clarify his interests. As the discussion neared its end, he mentioned how he had planned to not attend another one of these discussions, but because I listened to him, he was reconsidering that position.

Reflecting on this incident later, I realized how much it related to what I have learned at the Center. To some degree I agreed with him about the wastefulness of "grandstanding", but because I tend to approach conflict as an accomodater and compromiser, I let such comments pass and tried to steer the discussion back to more useful topics afterwards. My interlocutor was most likely collaborating or confrontational, and was less willing to put up with such comments. Yet because of reflective listening on my part, I was able to understand his interests and validate his concerns. I hope he decides to join me for the next discussion so that I can try to incorporate his concerns.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate