Mediating to create positive change

Gandhi has said that, “we must be the change that we want to see in the world.” This is one of my favorite quotes because it holds such a true statement. We often hear people talk about what they do or don’t like in the world but very rarely are they willing to step up to the plate to institute change. However, creating change can happen on several levels; even if you cannot create sweeping changes, it is always possible to try and have a positive impact in someone’s life. Working at the Community Mediation Center I have found out that mediation is a great opportunity to help someone change something in their life that they are not happy with or have been struggling with for awhile.

Being a mediator involves helping people to resolve conflicts between themselves without getting the court involved. Mediation gives people an opportunity to handle their misunderstanding themselves and to hear each other out. Granted not all situations are meant for mediation, but many can be resolved outside of the courts. A mediator is more than just a referee; he or she is a problem solver, motivator, and a good listener. With our changing political and social environment in society it is important to make positive changes in our lives as well as others.

My time at the Community Mediation Center so far has been a life changing experience. You never realize how nice life can be until you hear the stories and struggles of people at the Center or General District Court. Being able to help people come to a mutual agreement to work out their differences is the awesome tool and secret to mediation. Mediation has been around for years and is a great tool for families or people who may not be able to afford lawyers or take time off of work to come together and work out their problems.

Veronica Hill
Training and Youth Coordinator

Mediator Tips

Practice Your Skills Online

Technology moves fast these days, and it is important for mediators to try and keep up. As part of the ongoing endeavour to put mediation materials online (on Mediate.com and other ADR websites), tools for honing your mediator skills have found their way onto the Internet as well. The following are two games which have been put on the web that, while made primarily for entertainment value, attempt to give one practice using common mediation and negotiation skills. Try them out for yourself; who knows, you might even learn a thing or two.

Note: You must have Adobe Flash Player installed on your computer for these games to work.

Move or die

Angry Neighbors

Mediation extends beyond the Center's walls

Sometimes it is difficult for me to shut the mediator brain off. Recently I was having brunch with my best friend and he was venting to me about his relationship. He has been with the same person for the past five years and has never really been happy. We have had the same venting session every three months for the past five years. I always ask him why he stays and never can really tell me. Finally, this brunch I decided to open a can of mediation on him.

I asked him what his relationship goals are. He told me and I asked if what he is currently doing as far as relationships go is helping him achieve those goals. He said no. So, I asked, what are some ways you can achieve your relationship goals? He told me it would be to leave his current partner. I asked if there were any other options that included staying with his partner, including couples therapy, etc. No, he didn’t see any other options. He was very overwhelmed by the idea of ending and separating five years of life with his partner. So, we took his problem and broke it down into smaller tasks. We listed challenges and ways to overcome those challenges, we came up with next steps, and he actually followed through with them. What he needed to see was that his problem wasn’t as big as he thought it was, and that he could do each of the small steps to help him reach his goal.

I would say this is the heart of mediation. I like mediation because it is creative problem solving. Our clients have this problem that is really big to them. They feel powerless to solve it on their own. We help them look at their goals and how they can reach those goals. We help them take their problem apart and put it back together in a constructive way. It is by recognizing that their problems aren’t too big to solve that our clients are empowered to solve them. To me, a dispute is like any other problem. There is a solution if parties are willing to look for it. As mediators we help them flip the light switch in the dark room, so they can really see what surrounds them. For my friend, he needed to see that all the things he used as excuses to remain unhappy were not so overwhelming if he takes them on one at a time, at the same time he acknowledges that this will be a hard thing to follow through with, but he wants to because it is helping him achieve his goal.

Mandy Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Loose Ethics

Ethical principles are not always a good thing. This is the point made by Robert Benjamin in an article published in ACResolution Magazine back in 2004. Benjamin's thesis is that having too many ethical guidelines end up constraining a mediator more than helping him or her.

Unlike some other professions, a mediator's role is not always to be objective, dispassionate, and neutral. Mediators deal with pragmatic solutions, and if they are to gain the trust of the parties they cannot always afford to be "above the fray". Benjamin feels that the qualities of neutrality and impartiality are only there to cleanse and rehabilitate the image of a mediator. However, in a practical sense they only constrain the mediator.

Parties in a mediation do not always act rationally. Often times the parties are hostile to the mediation process, finding it unnatural or not helpful. Other times they are unwilling to discuss their interests because of some underlying fear. When mediators present themselves as completely dispassionate, they do little to recognize those underlying fears.

According to Benjamin, mediators learn early on that they must use their instincts, wit, and guile to reach a solution. In these cases, reaching a solution may require bending ethical guidelines to some degree.

However, Benjamin does not advocate abandoning all ethical principles. Instead, he presents 4 general rules that are important to follow at all times, but says that within the framework of those 4 mediators should be given some leeway to use their own style to solve conflicts. The 4 principles he mentions are:
1. The prospective mediator shall disclose to the parties any and all contacts or relationships with any of the parties, their associates, families, or organizations of the parties.
2. The mediator shall never make a recommendation or binding decision in a matter without the written agreement of all parties concerned, whether or not there is a standing order by a court or an appointing authority.
3. The mediator shall assure and protect the right of the parties to terminate the mediation process at any point without explanation.
4. The mediator shall not disclose to any third party, courts, judges, attorneys, other appointing authorities any information about the parties, their attitudes, motivations, or actions at any time. The mediator must maintain a primary duty of loyalty to the parties.

To read Benjamin's article, click this link: http://www.mediate.com/articles/benjamin16.cfm

Renewing our commitment to effective communication

With the recent horrifying events at Virginia Tech, I think everyone gets a wake up call. No matter your level of involvement with the campus, whether you know a student or not, everyone suddenly realizes how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. Perhaps you’ve found yourself playing the “what if” game, or maybe you called your friends and family just to say “hi” because you realized it had been too long.

As sad as these killings are, people are already responding personally and in groups in positive ways. Hopefully some have access to support groups driven by facilitated dialogue. Maybe this is an opportunity for others to renew their commitment to non-violence. In fact, this could be the chance for all of us to improve the way we interact with one another, to value the dignity and autonomy of each human being on a daily basis.

The process of effective communication is invaluable when it comes to treasuring human interaction with family members, friends, and even strangers. Honor those people you interact with through positive communication, because it might be your only opportunity to be a light in someone’s life.

Amanda Burabage
Community Outreach Director

Changes

Recently, while rummaging through my garage, I came across a journal I had written in 1987, some 20 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and the early entries were about the pain and turmoil of the end of my marriage. I had moved out of the house in the last weeks of 1986 and was finding the initial adjustment a very difficult process.

By summer, the entries became more positive as I began to re-connect with my children and develop my new role as non-custodial parent. By October, I had met the woman who would be a major part of my life for the next four years. Christmas Eve was actually a joyous event. My children had requested "those little chickens" (Cornish Game Hens) for our holiday dinner. As the little chickens cooked, we decorated my tree. I asked my son to help me with the lights. "I don't know how," he protested. "I'll show you," I replied, "and we'll do it together."

After opening our gifts to each other, the children returned to their mom's house, and I reflected on how much change we had all been through during 1987 and how we all had changed. It was a year of recovery. I was much stronger and more confident in my ability to not only survive, but to thrive both on professional and personal levels.

We don't have to wait 20 years to realize how we have changed. It happens in small ways, every day. I find myself "generating options" when faced with a difficult choice and using my reflecting listening skills in everyday encounters. We do it without realizing it. Later, we ask ourselves, "where did THAT come from?" It comes from the training which we incorporate into our lives, not just in mediations or co-parenting classes. We also help initiate change in others, whether it be youth groups, separating parents or squabbling neighbors. If we plant a seed that sprouts into a change in the lives of others, we have been successful.

I see this in the co-parenting class I teach. One night, a very big, very angry dad came storming through the door, complaining about the courts ordering him there and wondering how he was going to buy groceries the next week because he had to pay for the class. At the end of the class, he shook my hand and thanked me. "I learned a lot tonight," he said. A mom sent me a Christmas card, telling me how much fun the class had been for her. Fun? You don't take the parenting class for fun! I don't set this as a goal for each class, but when it happens, it feels good. We can actually help others make changes in their lives. And they, in turn, change us.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Mediation Tips
Comparing Mediation Styles

The Community Mediation Center uses and teaches the transformative mediation style, as we feel it yields the best results. However, as mediation theory has developed in the past, numerous other styles have been developed. Most people who have taken our training class know something about these other styles, so this will be a refresher for them. If you haven't heard about these other styles, though, check them out. As always, a mediator needs to develop his or her own mediation style over time, which means that some of you may want to include elements of these other styles in your approach. Here is a short summary of each of them.

Facilitative: The most common style in the mediation world, a facilitative mediator asks questions, validates points of view, searches for interests, and helps parties develop solutions. The mediator does not give opinions or advice, but remains neutral. It is interesting to note that this style developed when most mediators were volunteers, and thus not required to have experience on the mediation topic.

Evaluative: An evaluative mediator more readily gives out opinions and evaluations than a facilitative mediator. He or she will intervene in the mediation to point out stregnths or weaknesses in a party's position and explain what will happen if the case should go back to court. Often evaluative mediation is used in issues relating to money, which the mediator should have some experience in dealing with.

Transformative: The transformative approach takes a lot from the facilitative style, including the neutrality of the mediator, encouraging parties to develop their own solutions, and getting at the interests rather than the positions. The difference of the transformative approach is its attempt to empower each party and encouage them to recognize the others' point of view. Communication between both parties is a large part of this process.

Narrative: The narrative style places a lot of emphasis on the storytelling part of the mediation because it assumes that the parties are in conflict because they see themselves from the narrow point of view of their own narrative. The narrative mediator attempts to get the parties to share their story of the conflict and then to view the stories from a distance. The mediator then helps the parties to create a new story that allows for the possibility of a resolution.

There are pluses and minuses to each approach, so a mediator will have to choose based upon which one they think suits them. An article posted on the site www.mediate.com compares the evaluative and transformative approaches to mediation (the two most popular processes). Please read it for some enlightening analysis.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/fosterK1.cfm

How Conflict Can Spread

Conflict is contagious. I say this because recently there was a large conflict brewing in my family that started with just two people and expanded to 10 or more. My sister was in conflict with her boyfriend, the father of her unborn child. That led to conflict between she and I, as my sister, myself, and her boyfriend were all supposed to move into a house together. However, she never moved in so it has been just him and me. She was mad at me for living in the same house with him while she was mad at him, although this living arrangement had been the plan all along.

This conflict also led to conflict between myself and my mother because since my sister was living with my parents it seemed to become an "us against them" situation. Other family members took sides and before we knew it our Sunday lunch was no longer a time for catching up and reflecting on the week with our family, it was a time to talk behind one another’s back over the kitchen sink! Thankfully now the conflict is starting to subside but it is still there.

Do your best to resolve conflict. Think about how your conflict affects others. None of us live in a bubble – our actions affect those around us like ripples in the water.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator