Changes

Recently, while rummaging through my garage, I came across a journal I had written in 1987, some 20 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and the early entries were about the pain and turmoil of the end of my marriage. I had moved out of the house in the last weeks of 1986 and was finding the initial adjustment a very difficult process.

By summer, the entries became more positive as I began to re-connect with my children and develop my new role as non-custodial parent. By October, I had met the woman who would be a major part of my life for the next four years. Christmas Eve was actually a joyous event. My children had requested "those little chickens" (Cornish Game Hens) for our holiday dinner. As the little chickens cooked, we decorated my tree. I asked my son to help me with the lights. "I don't know how," he protested. "I'll show you," I replied, "and we'll do it together."

After opening our gifts to each other, the children returned to their mom's house, and I reflected on how much change we had all been through during 1987 and how we all had changed. It was a year of recovery. I was much stronger and more confident in my ability to not only survive, but to thrive both on professional and personal levels.

We don't have to wait 20 years to realize how we have changed. It happens in small ways, every day. I find myself "generating options" when faced with a difficult choice and using my reflecting listening skills in everyday encounters. We do it without realizing it. Later, we ask ourselves, "where did THAT come from?" It comes from the training which we incorporate into our lives, not just in mediations or co-parenting classes. We also help initiate change in others, whether it be youth groups, separating parents or squabbling neighbors. If we plant a seed that sprouts into a change in the lives of others, we have been successful.

I see this in the co-parenting class I teach. One night, a very big, very angry dad came storming through the door, complaining about the courts ordering him there and wondering how he was going to buy groceries the next week because he had to pay for the class. At the end of the class, he shook my hand and thanked me. "I learned a lot tonight," he said. A mom sent me a Christmas card, telling me how much fun the class had been for her. Fun? You don't take the parenting class for fun! I don't set this as a goal for each class, but when it happens, it feels good. We can actually help others make changes in their lives. And they, in turn, change us.

Chuck Hardwick
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