Mediation and Dating

I am a single woman in her late 20’s. My last serious relationship ended about 2 years ago, so after the soul-searching and healing that happens when a potential marriage falls apart, I decided to start dating again. I am also a mediator, and as I have gotten deeper into practice, it has become exceedingly difficult to cut my mediator self off when I’m not working. This is both a blessing and a curse. My friends and family laugh at me, and often go, “Stop mediating me!” In my platonic relationships it is just a funny quirk, but when dating, it can really create some interesting situations.

It is helpful because I can draw people out in conversation. I ask those open-ended questions that allow people to talk about themselves. Sometimes this works against me, like with the guy who talked about himself for 3 hours so loudly I got a headache. Also, I warn men in advance, that I pry into people’s personal lives for a living, so where someone else might ask about their favorite color, I will ask about their childhood. I often start sentences with, “Help me understand….” or “Tell me what that was like for you…” or “Explain to me what you mean by…” Often at the end of a date, I like to clarify next steps (yes, I actually have said that).

Once, I was trying to plan a get together with someone I was seeing, but things just kept falling through. To take the pressure off the situation I said, “My interests are seeing you and getting some exercise, so as long as those interests are met, I’m happy.” If there is a situation that has multiple outcomes that I’m nervous about I have been known to say, “I’m nervous about this, what are the possible outcomes and how do we deal with them?” or I might say, “What would it look like if…” Once I posed that question to someone and he said, “I don’t understand, what you are asking? Don’t understand? Oh no!

When I’m upset with a situation I try to think of the best “I” message to use. My friends have told me, “You just need to be an angry woman, forget this mediation stuff.” My reply is, “But, that wouldn’t solve the problem. I’m interested in creating a dialogue so we can understand each other’s needs, so those needs can be met. Just yelling doesn’t solve anything.” Yeah, it runs deep.

Being an open communicator can backfire. I have a commitment to myself to be as open and honest as possible. I think it is important to be clear about how you feel, your expectations, and also what you need. This tactic doesn’t work with everyone, and it can scare off some men (just try to discuss expectations for communication and time together with someone you’ve just started seeing), but those whom it doesn’t scare off, really seem to appreciate my openness.

Mandy Stallings