Peace is Possible!


At the Taman Safari Zoo in Bogor, Indonesia, a pair of month-old Sumatran tiger twins became friends with a set of young orangutans, an very unusual match that would never occure in their natural jungle habitat. The odd group met while they were sharing a room at the zoo's nursery. All four of the animals were abandoned by their mothers shortly after birth, and have been taking care of each other like brother and sister ever since. Zoo Keeper Sri Suwarni said, "This is unusual and would never happen in the wild. The four have lived side-by-side for a month without a single act of hostility." (To read the whole story: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/28/indonesia.tigers.orangutan.ap/index.html)

This is a sure sign that peace is possible! If these little guys can embrace their differences and learn to love and look after each other, why can't humans? Unfortunately, this cute little bunch will not stay together for long -- as their natural instincts will begin to develop (tigers begin to eat meat at 3 months). It is unrealistic to think that humans could maintain such a odd-coupled relationship, but we CAN learn to embrace our differences, deal with people effectively, solve our own problems and empower others do to the same. TAKE MEDIATION TRAINING, SUPPORT COMMUNITY MEDIATION CENTER -- start now, don't let a one-month animal show you up (although, they are amazing, huh?).



Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Moving to the online world

This blog entry is not going to be a tip in the usual sense of the word, but rather a suggestion for how to improve your skills by making use of the internet. You've probably heard of YouTube, a site which allows individuals to post their own videos to the web to be viewed by everyone. Viewing videos regarding mediation can be a great way to improve your skills by hearing and seeing the perspectives of mediators around the country, and YouTube contains numerous videos about mediation which are free to watch. Among those on the web are people discussing the importance of mediation, example mediations, and discussions with mediation theorists. Over time the Center will hopefully be venturing into this world and posting videos online as well, but until then if you are interested in connecting with mediators outside your area, visiting YouTube may be a way to start that process.

For an example of one of these videos, called "Fighting Fair", click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7sTu7s-8gg

You can reach the YouTube site at www.youtube.com.

Musings from the Executive Director’s Chair

At 8:07 p.m. EDT on Tuesday, March 20, Spring arrived in Hampton Roads. Did you hear it? There was almost a collective sigh as the warm temperatures seemed to be a gift from Mother Nature. However, did you notice the moon that night – only a sliver, a sliver of a smile and, it seems, a wink from the planet shining in the “smiley face”. It was wink and a wry smile as if to tell us that we’re not quite done with winter. The cold temperatures and wind of March 21st were the punctuation to that thought.

Change. It is all around us. It is inevitable. And, just like the weather changes second by second, so do our lives.

The last 6 months have been a time of change for the Community Mediation Center as well. In September we said farewell to Bob Glover, the Center’s Executive Director of more than 8 years. At that time, I took over as Interim Executive Director to provide continuity and stability for the Board and staff while a search was conducted for a new Executive Director. Now, the Center has a new Executive Director, Kim Humphrey, who will move us into the future.

This month is my 14th anniversary with the Center and I have seen many wondrous things both personally and professionally. I have worked with many hundreds of people in conflict over these years and it has been very gratifying.

But it takes a great amount of time and patience to work with individuals, businesses, families, and neighbors who just can’t find a way out of their conflict situation. But when they can, it is a magnificent thing to behold.

It has been a great honor and privilege to serve these last 14 years and I look forward to serving people in conflict for many more years to come.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
Case Study - Terri Schiavo

I'm sure you all know the case of Terri Schiavo and the controversy surrounding her. However, beyond the question of how to determine whether or not she was alive (in the sense of being aware of her surroundings) and who has the right to decide her fate, there is the question of the conflict between her different families. Her husband was adamant that Terri would have wanted to be pulled off life support while her parents were sure that she would not. This would obviously pose some difficult problems for a mediator who attempted to solve this conflict. Douglas Noll, a full time peacemaker and mediator who has mediated over 1,200 cases, has written an article about how he would handle this problem. Click the link below to see what he says.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/noll23.cfm

Spreading Peace Beyond the Center

I had the great fortune to go to a peace protest this past Saturday in Washington DC. Being an advocate for peace and a peace maker doesn’t just extend to my community; I feel it is my duty to promote peace and non-violence whenever possible. There were two things I observed that I think are relevant to my mediation practice.

1) There were protesters protesting our protest. They were really angry and somewhat violent. Some of them pushed us and spit on us. We did not respond at all, we just kept walking. Peace is a choice. We can make the choice to lay down the fight or not engage in the fight. We see this every day in our practices. Some people are not ready to give up the fight. This is fully in their power to do so, they have to be empowered and educated to the point where they realize they don’t have to fight anymore. We were empowered to let the insults and intimidation roll off of us. It is our job as mediators to help people get to the point where they also can be thus empowered.

2) There was a small mini-rally before the march began. As I was listening to the speeches, some of which referenced the protest protesters, the mediator wheels in my head started to grind. I realized the speakers were just re-iterating positions, and our two separate protests were just two positions clashing, not unlike every mediation I’ve been in. I enjoy exercising my freedoms of speech, but I found the rhetoric and propaganda in the protest to be lacking. What would be more helpful in creating a solution to the problem would be an open dialogue that looks at the interests on both sides of the divide.

Really, yelling our positions at each other doesn't create positive change. We need to tell each other why these things are important to us. I think if we looked at interests instead of positions, we would find that our interests aren’t that far apart, it is our positions that divide us. How many times in mediation have we spent hours going around and around only to find that clients really weren’t as far apart as they thought they were? We could have saved our clients a lot of time if we hadn’t chased their positions around and instead asked why is this important to you? I think this is the type of dialogue that needs to occur surrounding the war. We need to figure out why our positions are so important to us, if we can talk about that, maybe we won’t spend so much time chasing positions around while politicians posture and waste time not creating important legislation.

Mandy R. Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Training Tips
Negotiating Styles

Note: This exercise, and the list of negotiating styles that go along with it, comes from the blog Online Guide to Mediation, managed by Diane Levin of the organization Partnering Solutions, LLC.

Just like with conflict styles, different people have different kinds of negotiation styles (in fact, there are probably a number of corollaries between the two categories). Again, none of these styles is wrong or bad, but it can be hard to communicate with one another without knowing each person's styles. Three main types of negotiating styles are persuasion, trickery, or force. Here is an exercise to get people to think about their own type of negotiation style:

1. Give each person a partner. Have each participant stand across from their partner and create a line (using masking tape, string, etc.) between the partners.
2. Tell each person that the aim of the exercise is to get their partner to cross the line. If they do, then they are the winner and will receive a prize.
3. Give the partners a couple of minutes to try and get their partner to cross the line.

Inevitably, the majority of participants will try one or both of the styles above. They may try to convince their partner that they are more deserving of the prize (their partner got a prize earlier, they need money to feed their kids and are planning to sell the prize to get it, etc.), which epitomizes the style of persuasion. They may also try to use trickery by telling their partner that they can split the prize while intending to renege or extending a hand as a sign of good faith and then pulling their partner across. Finally, some use intimidation or force to drag or pull their partner across the line.

Typically, the exercise ends with no one getting the money, the participants splitting the money, or one partner winning everything. The one option that would allow both parties to win, having each partner cross the line to the opposite side, is rarely thought of. The reason for this is the same reason people will often get into conflicts, because they focus on how they can win and how their positions are right. It is assumed that there can only be one winner since that is normally how games are played, so each parties interests are ignored, leaving out the possibility of creating a win-win solution. It is a mindset we should get out of if we want to create the possibility for more mutually beneficial solutions.

Reflective Listening Works!

Recently I had an experience that reinforced how helpful reflective listening is. I was leading a discussion at the Unitarian Church in Norfolk about war profiteering in which several of the participants were very animated, using their time to complain about the state of affairs in the world today and the people they would like to hold accountable.

After the discussion ended, one participant approached me to complain about how I moderated the discussion, saying that I should have kept such "grandstanding" to a minimum. Given that this was the first negative comment I had gotten after three months of leading discussions, I felt it important to understand exactly what his criticism was. I spent about 7 minutes listening to him, pausing only to summarize what he was saying and ask some questions to clarify his interests. As the discussion neared its end, he mentioned how he had planned to not attend another one of these discussions, but because I listened to him, he was reconsidering that position.

Reflecting on this incident later, I realized how much it related to what I have learned at the Center. To some degree I agreed with him about the wastefulness of "grandstanding", but because I tend to approach conflict as an accomodater and compromiser, I let such comments pass and tried to steer the discussion back to more useful topics afterwards. My interlocutor was most likely collaborating or confrontational, and was less willing to put up with such comments. Yet because of reflective listening on my part, I was able to understand his interests and validate his concerns. I hope he decides to join me for the next discussion so that I can try to incorporate his concerns.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Greetings!

I am so happy to be part of the dedicated team at the Community Mediation Center.

As a volunteer for the last few years, I have had the opportunity to work with this amazing staff and team from the volunteer prospective. Their passion and dedication inspired me so much that when the full time opportunity to be part of the team arose, I quickly jumped at the chance.

I have now been at the center for over a week and realize how much they accomplish with such a small staff. This is due also to the great team of volunteers and a dedicated Board. In the past week I have met many of you and look forward to meeting more. I truly want to hear your ideas and thank you personally for all you do for the center.

I want to especially thank Karen Richards for her tremendous patience during my transition. I am learning so much and appreciate her sharing her knowledge and experience about mediation and the center. I know the staff definitely admires and appreciates her. She is a highly respected leader and a true role model for the staff and volunteers.

I look forward to seeing you at the center and encourage those who have not volunteered to mediate for the center in a while to do so. We rely on our volunteers and thank you again for everything you do to so support the Community Mediation Center.

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director