New Steps

I have always been taught to see my life as consecutive steps that lead to some magical destiny that I haven’t quite figured out yet. From going to elementary school through high school and being on honor roll every year which ultimately leads to college scholarships and awards. Then finding that special someone which leads to an engagement, marriage, buying a house, cars, and children (haven’t gotten there yet). Ultimately all the decisions and experiences one has in life lead to independence from family and in the words of my mother "officially becoming an adult and leading a life worth remembering".

I just started with the CMC about a month ago now after finishing my undergraduate degree. I have met a lot of diverse, and in the words of some mediators, “different kinds of people”. I have also learned what makes people diverse and different and how our differences and skills, make for a wonderful learning experience. It is for this reason that I hope that my experience here at the CMC will be a great step in my stairway to that “magical destiny”.

-Chaniece Winfield

Family Mediation

I am certified to mediate general and family cases, but for some reason prefer to work with families which is a good thing, because I am using all my mediation skills right now to help my own family through a crisis.

My mother is dealing with some major health issues and is now in a rehabilitation center receiving treatment until she is strong enough to return home. She is not happy about it and now is in the denial (I want to go home!) and anger (It's all your fault!) stages. I just let the anger and angry things she says wash over me without responding to them. It's like I'm listening to one client venting at another client in mediation, knowing eventually we'll get down to some story telling and generating options. I can detatch during those moments and give her permission to be angry, knowing it's not really about me.

All of the siblings are under stress and my brother and sister know all of each other's hot buttons. There are long standing issues that probably will never be fully settled. The emergency room and hospital are not places to be visiting those issues (handling money, who got what for their birthday and a host of other annoyances). Now I find my self being neutral, reframing and asking open ended questions. This is not a time to judge either of them as at fault. From time to time I actually do some caucasing, speaking to each of them individually.

The latest issue of contention has been about visiting mom. ("I work!" "I work, too, and I've already missed some shifts!") Finally, I was able to help them agree to go whenever they could, and not argue about who was there the most or least.

Hopefully, we will all get through this and my mom will be home with her cat, which she also misses.

Mediation can be rewarding, especially when I can help clients resolve their differences. Mediation skills can be used outside of mediations; in this case, they are survival skills which I can employ to help everyone cooperate and work together to achieve our goal---help mom recover.

Chuck Hardwick

‘God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much.’

Before I started at the Community Mediation Center I used to think I was a good listener. When a friend had a problem or a co-worker was dealing with a difficult issue I was always on hand to listen and offer my opinion. But recently I’ve come to realize I’m not really a good listener. I do a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening.

So now you may be wondering, “What’s the difference between hearing and listening?” Well, we hear a dog barking, we hear the buzz of a summer cicada, and we hear the next-door neighbor’s lawnmower. But listening requires both hearing and processing what we hear.

Often times when we are “listening” to our friend/co-worker/spouse talk about their troubles we are thinking of a solution to offer them. Or we are thinking ahead of what the person is saying – rehearsing what you are going to say, or rewinding in your head what you’ve already said and wishing you had said it differently. And in today’s hectic world, we are distracted by the appointments we have to keep, the errands we have to run, and the bills that have to be paid. All of these situations keep us from listening effectively.

Just think of everything you could be missing because you were only hearing what that other person had to say and not listening to them.

-Diane Arnold

On the road...

My family and I were vacationing in the Washington, DC area last week. Our hotel had families and business people from around the world.

I knew I had to write this blog when I returned to work this week and was thinking about what to write while riding in our hotel’s elevator. As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and a family got on with a very excited and fast-moving toddler who was ready to explore this new world.

The back of the elevator’s doors were mirrors and while all stood together watching the floor numbers flash by, the little girl looked in the mirror doors and saw us in the reflection. We smiled at her and she giggled and wiggled.

Then, it happened. She turned her head slightly and saw us AND our reflections. A light went on for her – and her eyes lit up in recognition that the reflection and the people were one in the same. She let out a gleeful chortle and her eyes met mine and seemed to say to me, “I got it! I’ve learned something new! Wow!”

The elevator doors opened on her floor and she took off down the hall, her family in hot pursuit.

As the elevator doors closed, my family and I looked at each other in wonderment with what we had just witnessed – that precious moment of awareness and understanding of the world around us.

I have had this experience before in mediation when people in conflict suddenly gain a new realization and awareness of the conflict situation and work towards a peaceful resolution.

This opportunity, or “ah-ha” moment usually sneaks up on them, just like it did for this little girl. All it takes, sometimes, is a “tilt of the head” to see the conflict situation and the world in a new way. It also takes being open to the opportunity.

So take a step back or to the side and look at life in a different way. May you experience illumination and the pure joy that this new awareness brings.

-Karen Richards