Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards