Last week, in honor of National Conflict Resolution Day, I had the opportunity to do a brief introduction to conflict resolution to 4th and 5th grade students at a local elementary school. I asked them questions like “what words do you think of when you hear the word conflict?”, “how does conflict make you feel?” and “how do you resolve conflict in your own life?”. I must admit I was shocked by the complexity and contemplation behind the answers I received.

When asked for words relating to conflict, the students’ answers ranged from fight and argument to war and divorce. As to be expected, I got feeling words like angry and mad, but I also heard frustrated, confused, abandoned, ignored, embarrassed, dishonest and disrespectful. And when asked how they resolve conflict, the students’ answers varied; some ignore it, some yell into a pillow, others play video games or talk to their friends and family. Not a single student said they go directly to the source and talk to the person they are in conflict with.

Peer mediation is being introduced to this school, and this program will allow students the opportunity to talk directly to the person they are in conflict with in a safe, friendly, confidential and violence-free environment. The 4th and 5th graders I spoke to definitely knew a lot more about conflict than I had imagined…and definitely knew a lot less about conflict resolution than I had hoped.

-Megan Carpenter

Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards

Two weeks ago I drove my car into a big puddle and drowned it. Well...it wasn't really a puddle, it was a flooded street and I was driving at night in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with.

Needless to say, my little Mercury Sable was prounounced DOA when I took it to my mechanic.

CONFLICT: I need a new car, but I am an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and my funds are very limited.

So, like a good mediator, I pulled out my pad of paper just as if I were in a mediation session with a flip chart and I started the brainstorming process. I began generating options; organizing and prioritizing them. In our youth program we use the acronym SODAS for the decision making process

Situation
Options
Disadvantages
Advantages
Solution

It is an easy and effective way of breaking down the step-by-step decision making process to make the best decision possible.

I listed my options:
- buy a new or a used car
I reality tested all the advantages and disadvantages;
-could I afford the car payment if I bought a new car?
-what would insurance costs look like?
-if I bought a used car, what repairs or maintenance would I be looking at?
-what was the reliability of the different makes and models?

After two weeks of searching (and lots of help from a wonderful support group of family, friends, and co-workers), I was finally able to come up with an acceptable solution that wouldn't break the bank. I am now happily behind the wheel of a used Toyota Camry.

Don't underestimate the importance of the brainstorming stage and listing all possibilities. Sometimes just being able to see all the options on paper helps to organize thoughts and begin to move in the direction of resolution.

-Diane Arnold

Recently, I had a chance to return to my alma mater, the University of Missouri, for a 100th aniversary celebration of the School of Journalism. All classes were invited to return and about 3,000 of us swarmed the J-School complex and spent a few days literally walking down memory lane.

The campus has changed a lot since I last stepped foot there in the 80s. Three new buildings added to the J-School campus, and tons of new classrooms and dorms built where there used to be open space. The entire dorm complex I had lived in as a freshman was gone, being replaced with a massive structure filled with the latest electronic wiring for gadgets and equipment that had not been invented when I was on campus.

The most fun, though, was exploring the new J-School buildings. We were invited to sit in on lectures, visit labs and mingle with students and faculty. My old J-School news room was now quiet and filled with offices and storage rooms. Across the street stood the new newsroom with sections for photography, circulation, advertising and the newsroom itself. I immediately noticed the quiet. As a journalism student in the 60s, the newsroom was filled with shouting editors, the jangle of ringing phones, the noise of reporters pounding manual typewriters and the constant clicking of wire machines bringing news from all over the world.

I had plenty of opportunity to talk to faculty about the technological changes. But I had the most fun with the very young budding journalists. The most-often asked question: What was my first job out of journalism school. My answer: I worked for the government. Most of the men in my class of 1966 were drafted immediately after graduation. What was my most vivid memory of J-School? was another question. My answer: The day JFK was assasinated and they actually stopped the presses.

I talked about my career after J-School, and what I was doing today (a marketing moment for mediation). I'm still using my J-School training, I told one student, who had asked if those skills had evaporated, now that I was was out of the business. In J-School, we were told to asked open-ended questions. The who, where, when, what, why and how. In mediation, I still ask those kinds of questions and for the same reason--to get people to open up and tell their stories. Never ask a yes or no question, I reminded this student. You'll get a yes or no answer. But you won't get any information. This also applies to mediation. Maybe J-School was preparing me to be a mediator.

Chuck Hardwick