There’s Another Way

People are always complaining about how rude people are. There is a sense of meanness and irritability in our culture. It’s everywhere -- TV or radio talk shows, “news” commentaries, 24-hour “news”, reality TV, tabloids, popular music. We watch in smug satisfaction at the real world soap opera of celebrities. We’re ready to dehumanize groups of people, such as immigrants – legal or illegal – because of some perceived “wrong” they are doing to us.

OK, so what does this have to do with conflict resolution? Good question.

It was the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech and the round-the-clock news coverage that brought this whole issue into focus for me. I, like everyone else, watched in horror that first evening. I turned off some of the coverage, such as the cell phone tape of the sounds of shots being fired, especially when it was played over and over again. I was appalled a few days later when the video of the very, very troubled young man who shot the students and faculty at Tech was shown continuously it seems.

During that first night of coverage, when news reporters were trying to find anyone to talk to, I listened to the questions they were asking the shell-shocked Tech students. As a mediator, trainer of mediators and a 70s graduate of the journalism school at the University of Maryland, I was incensed to see the reporters escalating the tense situations by trying to “stir things up.” Questions designed to get people angry – to inflame the situation to make a “good story”.

Ironically, I was co-teaching a basic mediation course at the time of the Tech shootings. While the media, commentators and political pundits were using inflammatory language to escalate an already tragic situation, I was busy teaching people how to use words to DE-ESCALATE conflict situations. When a person is in conflict, they want to be “heard”, to be listened to. So they tell their “story” which is an account of what happened from their perspective. The key to feeling “heard” for people is to acknowledge what they are feeling along with the content of what they are saying. When people hear that acknowledgement, they can begin to let go of that anger.

However these same tools can be used to escalate conflict by using volatile words that stir up a person’s already whirling emotions. It is a fine line we all walk but an important and critical one in reducing conflict.

Let’s take a step back to a calmer and gentler America. If someone is trying to escalate a conflict you are in with volatile words, just say no and walk away. It might feel like you are loosing but you are truly winning.

Karen Richards
Ex-Interim Executive Director