Mediator Tips
The Role of a Facilitator

A mediator can be considered a facilitator in a mediation, but the skills used in a mediation can be used to facilitate larger meetings like neighborhood open forums and collaborative geto-togethers. However, the role of the facilitator is somewhat different from a mediator in several respects, largely because the focus of the meeting is often different from a mediation. While a mediation tries to reach an agreement between parties in a disagreement, facilitation tries to open a dialogue between a group without necessarily pushing for a resolution. What is similar is having a discussion where issues are raised and ideas are brainstormed. A faciliator helps this dialogue in the following ways:

• Bring focus to the group
• Effect change and improvement through team empowerment
• Encourage team decision making
• Encourage team problem solving
• Work for consensus
• Group dynamics
• Active listening
• Clarifying, sharing, disseminating ifo
• Organize, handle details, closure

Retaining our place at the "mediation table"

A recent article in ACResolution Magazine titled "Ensuring a Place at the Table" mentions CMCs are at risk of losing their place at the mediation table because of their overall lack of continuous improvement. The article goes on to mention that CMCs are the most accurate representation of the mediation profession -- most of the remaining practitioners that offer mediation offer settlement conferences instead of true mediation. The article concludes that this leaves CMCs as the trendsetters and primary indicators of the current health and future sustainability of the mediation field. As a CMC, we have to strive to set the bar of mediation practitioners hign and embrace our trendsetting role by continuing to improve our methods, practices, and standards of mediation. If we can continue to do this successfully, we an be sure that in ten years, we will still have an important place at the mediation table.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Conflict Resolution Tips
14 Ways of Eliminating Tension in the Home

Conflict Resolution skills are useful tools outside of a mediation setting. It is important that we take these skills out into the world if we are going to effect change on a societal level. Here are a couple tips you can use in your home to reduce conflict before it becomes critical.

1. Admit your family is less than perfect. It is unrealistic to expect a family life of complete peace and harmony.
2. Family money problems can be resolved through discussions and compromises between spouses as well as other members of the family unit.
3. The temptation to acquire material things can be minimized if you build warm and loving relationships within your family.
4. Parents cannot always subordinate their own needs to their children's needs.
5. Believe in yourself. The more confident you are, the more effectively you will be able to deal with stress and change in family life.
6. Develop a dialogue with your family - don't debate with them.
7. Live from the present to the past. Don't let past experiences inhibit your enjoyment of the future.
8. Have consistent guidelines for family operations. A family will effectively operate if it has specifically designated goals and encouragement systems.
9. Hold family meetings. Have a dialogue about whatever problems are facing your family before they build up emotions to an explosive peak.
10. Stop comparing yourself and your family members with others.
11. List the things that you are proud of. Make note of the things that distinguish you from others.
12. Learn to express anger constructively. Be careful not to hurt someone or leave and individual feeling angry or resentful.
13. Learn to deal with anger. Listen to others with valid complaints, then try to arrive at a realistic compromise.
14. Keep a list of issues you argue over and arrange the argument generating issues in order of frequency and delicacy.

This list is adapted from the Parent-Teen Mediation Manual put together by the Piedmont Dispute Resolution Center.

Give the process a chance!

I recently led 32 youth in a 2-day, 16 hours, peer mediation training. When we first settled down in the classroom on the first night, I right away noticed two kids in the very back - one with his back to me and the other with his head down on the table. The staff in charge of the kids was very helpful and wanted right away to remove the kids so they wouldn't disrupt the training. They took the kids aside and talked about sending them home. The kids asked to stay...NOW WHAT?

Now, I thought, the real process of change begins! They had made a choice to stay, and that choice had to be recognized! I approached them during our first break, validated their choice to stay, and asked them what their goals were for staying. We talked about their fear to go home and get in trouble for being kicked out. They also wanted to get a certificate of completion. We talked about what it would take for them to accomplish their goal. They brainstormed different ways to behave during the training...does this process sound familiar? Identifying interests, setting goals, brainstorming solutions...

At the end of the training, they were truly the best peer mediators in the class! Trainers should remember that students don't always come to class ready to learn...we often need to help them identify their own interest in the process, before we lose them and their talent!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Director

Mediator Tips
Collaborative Divorce

If you move around inside the Conflict Resolution world for a while, you are bound to hear the term Collaborative Divorce. Many of you probably already know exactly what Collaborative Divorce is, but for those of you who don't, here is a quick summary.

Essentially, Collaborative Divorce is mediation for married couples trying to get a divorce. Just like mediation, it seeks to avoid the legal system by using a model which encourages dialogue and negotiation in order to reach a solution that benefits everyone. Lawyers trained in Collaborative Divorce are hired to facilitate the process. Below is a good description of Collaborative Divorce taken from the Collaborative Divorce Handbook developed by the organization Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings LLC.

Collaborative Divorce is:

• Client centered and non adversarial
• Client controlled
• Based upon active participation
• Based upon constructive communication
• Designed to foster a safe working environment
• Educates the clients
• Focuses on the needs and interests of the clients
• Requires the consent of each client

Collaborative Divorce requires each client sign an agreement that:

• They will not undertake contested court procedure during the Collaboration
• Undertaking any contested court action terminates the Collaboration
• Upon termination of the Collaboration, the aligned Collaborative professionals are prohibited from participating in contested court actions between the participants

The Handbook contains a lot more useful information about Collaborative Divorce. Those interested in learning more would be wise to check it out.

Mediator Tips
Additional Resources

Part of being an effective mediator is keeping up with new developments and techniques in the mediation world. There are several organizations that work specifically within the Alternative Conflict Resolution world, both in Virginia and the nation at large. Keeping in touch with them can help you stay apprised of ways to improve your own mediation skills. Additionally, using these resources can help you network with mediators across the U.S. Below are the names, phone numbers, and websites of several of these organizations.

Association for Conflict Resolution
202-464-9700
www.acrnet.org

Supreme Court of Virginia Department of Dispute Resolution Services
804-786-6455
www.courts.state.va.us/drs/main

Virginia Mediation Network
888-506-4VMN
www.vamediation.org

The Virginia Alternative Dispute Resolution Joint Committee
804-377-8515
www.vba.org/comm/adrjtcom.htm

American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution
202-662-1680
www.abanet.org/dispute/

National Association for Community Mediation
202-667-9700
www.nafcm.org

The outcome isn’t always the most important thing

This might be a surprise, or unbelievable to anyone who has not participated in a mediation session, but mediation clients agree that they are satisfied even when they DON’T reach an agreement. Agreement rates are just one way to measure success in the mediation process. Although 60-80% of people reach agreement at Community Mediation Center (depending on the complexity of the issues), more than 91% report that mediation was helpful.

Case in point – Recently a business owner called and asked for a mediation appointment. He explained that he participated in mediation with a customer a few years ago and so he knew to call. When his original file was pulled we discovered that the agreement he reached wasn’t entirely in his favor. In other words, it was clear from his agreement that he had made some concessions that he originally wasn’t interested in making. After calling him back to confirm his new mediation appointment I asked, what made him willing to try mediation again. He replied that the process was so smooth he couldn’t understand why anyone used the court. In fact, even in making concessions he like he was part of the process and satisfied with the outcome.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Trainer Tips
Study Circles

Study Circles are used in group discussions. While they are not mediations, they are a good place for you to practice your reflective listening skills as a facilitator. The purpose of a study circle is to help individuals gain "ownership" of an issue and empower them to solve the problem. Often the process will involve several study circles being put together over the course of 3 to 6 months. Each session involves the following sections:

• Welcome and introduction
• Ground Rules
• Discussion
• Summary and Common Ground
• Evaluation

Does any of that seem familiar? It should, as it is similar to the way a mediation is run. The main difference, of course, is that study circles are not based on coming to an agreement; they are based upon researching and discussing the issues to raise awareness of the perspectives on it, the problems associated with it, and the ways to move forward. However, just like in mediation, a facilitator must use their reflective listening skills (reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, shifting focus, using silence, and using non-verbal signals). Below are a couple attributes found in a good facilitator:

• Neutrality
• Helpfulness in setting up ground rules and enforcing them
• Asks probing questions
• Helps identify areas of agreement and disagreement
• Appreciate all kinds of people
• Committed to democratic principles

Mediator Tips
Negotiating with Terrorists

An odd title for a mediator tip, I admit. However, it is a particularly relevant topic for this era of terrorism, and thinking about it can provide some insights into how to mediate with people who are normally intractable or who you consider to be morally repulsive.

According to Roger FIsher and William Ury in Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, negotiating with terrorists is generally a desirable path to choose. They claim that even making statements like "We will never negotiate with terrorists!" is technically negotiation inasmuch as you are trying to influence their behavior. However, they say that the more communication there is, the more likely a positive solution will be reached. If issues of personal safety can be resolved, it makes sense to talk with terrorists, as if you have a good case you are more likely to persuade them to come to your position.

Negotiation does not mean giving in; one is not legitimizing kidnapping or other terrorist behavior. But talking may convince a terrorist that they will not receive a ransom and it may also be possible to learn of some legitimate interests they have so a solution can be reached where neither side gives in.

While Fisher and Ury do not recommend talking in every case, they say that it is important to consider the alternative to negotiation. If the alternative is war or some kind of action that could lead to numerous deaths, the question needs to be asked as to whether the costs of the alternative are desireable over negotiation. In fact, they claim, often times war is an act within a negotiation to persuade the other side to give in, albeit a generally inhumane and, in the long term, ineffective tactic.

In conclusion, both Fisher and Ury say that no one is beyond negotiating with. Whether the opposing party is a dictator like Hitler, a religious zeleot like Osama Bin Ladin, or just a disgruntled citizen like those at Waco or Columbine, it is worth considering negotiation as an alternative to violence.

The Egg Story

The co-parenting training class includes a discussion of anger and how anger can cause people to do things they would not normally do. I use the egg story as an example of how people change when anger takes control of their emotions.

It’s about a dad, angry that the divorce is final, angry that his children are no longer in his daily life and angry that he lived in a tiny apartment, while his ex- lived in what had been their 10-room house.

One night, the anger so filled him that he had to do something physical. So he put on his old military field jacket, stopped by the grocery store to buy some eggs and dog treats, and walked the mile into his old neighborhood with the eggs in one large pocket of his jacket and the dog treats in the other pocket.

He knew the neighborhood and the shortcuts and the darkest part of his former yard. Climbing over fences, he moved closer to the house, greeting the dogs and offering treats. He positioned himself in his former yard, listening to the sound of crunching in the yards around him. He threw the first egg and heard a gratifying smack as it hit the house. Then he quickly threw the rest, his heart racing with excitement. The euphoria lasted just a few seconds, and then he realized he had to get out of the area, but he couldn’t run because the dogs would start barking. So he carefully re-traced his route, handing out treats and being as quiet as possible.

Back at his tiny divorce apartment, he waited for a knock on the door. Surely someone had recognized him and called police. No one came. A few weeks later, he had another anger attack and completed another successful egg expedition. And no one knocked on the door.

While buying eggs and dog treats for a third launch, the rational side of his brain overtook the anger side. How stupid he was, his rational side reasoned. The last thing his children needed was to see was him, on the ground outside their house, being handcuffed by police. Surely he didn’t want his ex to his arrest as an example that he was a bad person. And how would an arrest impact on the ability to see his children, even if it was every other weekend.

So the angry dad returned the eggs and dog treats to the shelf and went home. From then on, whenever anger tried to overwhelm him, he got on his bicycle and went for a brisk ride—away from his former neighborhood. The physical exertion released the anger and left him too tired to walk to his target.

I know the details of this dad, because the angry dad was me. For 18 years I kept the secret of the egg attacks from my children. No reason to upset them. Then in October 2005, I had an opportunity to see them all at the same time. The four of us had not been together in nearly two decades. I flew to Seattle and during lunch at the Space Needle, I talked about anger and what it does to people. Then I revealed the secret of the egg story. They howled with laughter. All of them remembered the house being egged. Their mom thought it was neighbors, upset at her for divorcing me. Well, she was partly right. My children said they would not tell their mother who really egged the house. Let her think it was angry neighbors. Whenever I hear about someone injuring or killing others in a blind rage, I think to myself: Thank goodness all I did was egg a house. And I smile.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Tales from the Shopping Zone

As the Holiday shopping season moves towards its frenzied, frantic conclusion, here’s a story that shows the value of communication and conflict resolution skills.

My husband was perusing the aisles of one of our local big box retailers. While surveying some electronic gadgets, his attention was drawn to the employees in that section. It seems someone in the “back” had been trying to reach these employees on the floor via a very quiet telephone. When no one answered, the “walkie-talkie” communication became loud and intense. This was soon followed by the person from the back coming to the employees and loudly berating the one for not answering the phone. Explanations seemed only to escalate the anger and one employee was heard to comment on the sanity of the “yeller” and leave. The other employee, at whom the tirade was directed, noted that the conversation should be moved away from the customers. But this didn’t seem to deter the angered employee who continued until running out of steam.

What was going on here? From my husband’s perspective as the “observer” in this conflict situation, the employee had really “lost it” to the point of reacting inappropriately in front of customers, probably loosing some who don’t like that kind of confrontation.

Certainly, there can be many explanations to why this interaction escalated to this point – what we call the interests (reasons) under the position (the anger at not answering the phone). And in the pressure of the holiday shopping season tempers can be short.

But this situation also shows how building anger manifests in the most inappropriate ways and times. And that people tend to loose all self-awareness when this happens. Folks need to find a way to vent that steam in a positive way.

One tool people can use is I-messaging. In I-messaging, a person takes on the responsibility for the communication and the emotions involved in the situation. In an I-message, the speaker identifies the emotion they are feeling as well as the situation that is upsetting and explains why they are upset. Here’s a possible I-message to the above situation: “I am unhappy (emotion) when no one answers my page (situation) because my supervisor was upset with me for not getting the information to her more quickly (reason).”

So before you head to the “yelling zone”, take a deep breath and think about what you are about to do. Try and I-message and see if you can find your way to the peaceful side of your dispute.

Happy shopping and Happy Holidays!

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Circle Chart

Roger Fisher and William Ury, authors of the book Getting to Yes, recommend using a strategy called the Circle Chart as a way of helping people to brainstorm options during the Generating Options phase. They identify four different types of thinking during this phase that generally occur one after another. The first type of thinking about a particular problem, including the factual situation you dislike. The second type of thinking is descriptive analysis, where you sort the problems into categories and tentatively suggest causes. The third type of thinking involves considering, in general terms, what ought to be done. The fourth type of thinking is identifying some specific and feasible suggestions for action. Fisher and Ury suggest asking yourself the following questions when going through each phase:

1. The Problem

• What's wrong?
• What are the current symptoms?
• What are disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation?

2. Analysis

• Sort symptoms into categories.
• Suggest causes.
• Observe what is lacking.
• Note barriers to resolving the problem.

3. Approaches

• What are possible strategies or prescriptions?
• What are some theoretical cures?
• Generate broad ideas about what might be done.

4. Action Ideas

• What might be done?
• What specific steps might be taken to deal with the problem?

Meditor Tips
Substantive vs. Relationship Issues

To solve disagreements, a good working relationship needs to be established apart from the issues being discussed in the mediation. A poor working relationship with an unfair balance of power tends to lead to one party unnecessarily conceding too much or one side trying to force a concession through threats ("If you really cared for me, you'd do this"). In either case, the problem is unlikely to go away while the bad relationship exists. When considering what is substantive and what is relational, consider the list below.

Substantive Issues
- Terms
- Conditions
- prices
- Dates
- Numbers
- Liabilities

Relationship Issues
- Balance of emotion and reason
- Ease of communication
- Degree of trust and reliability
- Attitude of acceptance or rejection
- Relative emphasis on persuasion or coercion
- Degree of mutual understanding.

To try and build a good relationship by negotiating the relationship. Raise the issue of your concerns about their behavior and discuss it like you would a substantive issue while avoiding judgement. Instead, explain your perceptions and feelings and inquire about theirs; of necessary, come up with some external standards and fair principles to judge behavior. Also, distinguish how you treat them from how they treat you. You should make sure that you are acting fairly even if they aren't; trying to 'teach a lesson' won't solve the problem. A good relationship can be built even if the problem is not solved.

World Demographics

Why is focusing on the underprivileged so important? There are obvious reasons that are continually repeated, such as the right of everyone to have basic human rights. However, it helps to get some perspective from time to time, as the need to pull the underprivileged out of poverty is not only a matter of principle, but a matter of necessity. Consider these facts:

If the world's population could be reduced to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look like this:

• 60 Asians, 12 Europeans, 14 Africans, 8 Latin Americans, 5 US Americans and Canadians
• 49 would be female
• 51 would be male
• 82 would be non-white
• 89 heterosexual
• 11 homosexual
• 33 would be Christian
• 67 would be non-Christian
• 5 would control 32% of the world's entire wealth, and all of them would be US citizens
• 80 would live in substandard housing
• 24 would not have any electricity (and of the 76% that do have electricity, most would only use it for light at night)
• 67 would be unable to read
• Only 1 would have a college education
• 50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply
• 1 would have HIV
• 1 would be near death
• 2 would be near birth
• 7 would have Internet access

Within the context of these statistics, our work and the work of other non-profits/charities could not be more important. If society is to survive in the next century, we are going to need dialogue between the diverse groups above along with a more equitable distribution of wealth and physical necessities. As you do your volunteer and charity work, remember these statistics. I know I will.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Mediator Tips
Standards of Fairness

Standards of fairness will often differ among mediatees. Indeed, it is often this conflicting standards that causes conflict. In a mediation of arbitration, one of the steps you can take to help elicit interests is to make clear what each parties standards are. An example of how standards conflict between parties may have to do with what each party considers just in a conflict over custody. The father may say that each parent should have equal custody over the child since each one makes up 50% of the child's parents. However, the mother may say that she deserves more or full custody because she has spent more time with the child, done more to raise the child, and is more experienced in child care. Making clear these standards can be an important step to getting to an agreement.

However, it is not necessary for the parties to reach a 'best' or 'unified' standard of fairness. To focus on this, and pushing the parties to come up with one, is probably a dead end and will make the parties dig their heels in over their position. Instead, knowing standards is a tool that may help the parties reach an agreement. Understanding and discussing standards may help the parties narrow the range of disagreement and allow the parties to find some common ground to build upon. It may also provide an area that the parties will be willing to compromise on.

As with anything in a mediation, don't press a specific set of standards for the parties to follow. You may suggest some standards for them to consider, but make sure that they both embrace those standards before using them in developing solutions.

Visiting New Orleans

From November 13-17 I was in New Orleans as part of my Americorps training. In addition to going through lectures and training sessions on what it takes to be an Americorps volunteer (which was somewhat boring, although there were a few good speakers), the other trainees and I took time to visit some of the sites hit hardest by Katrina.

New Orleans is one of the saddest yet most beautiful places I’ve ever been. While there we were able to visit areas that were severely impacted by the storm and the people who were still there. After fourteen months, many people are still unable to return to their homes because of the damage from the storm and inadequate reconstruction efforts. I felt like I was visiting a third world country; the devastation was disgusting.

Additionally, the “in your face” racism and segregation was hard to swallow. We visited the home of former Klan member David Duke and were reminded by the guide that in his Senate race he received over 30% of the states’ vote. There are laws in counties that are over 70% white that only allow residents to rent out to blood relatives. New Orleans was “bad” before, but now it’s even worse, and so few people care. By the end of the week I was physically and emotionally exhausted.The sites we were able to visit left me with feelings of hope and despair. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the images I saw or feelings I felt, but I feel like this trip has changed me forever.

Heather Mathews
Americorps Member

Mediatee Tips
Determining if your dispute can be mediated

While most kinds of civil disputes can be mediated, certain nonviolent criminal cases (such as verbal harassment and destruction of property) and cases that aren't proper for court can be mediated. That is, interpersonal disputes between roommates, coworkers, and others which don't have any sort of legal remedy can be solved via mediation. For example, if two housemates are arguing over how to maintain the household and are unable to solve the problem themselves, then mediation is a valuable tool that can help the housemates solve the problem while maintaining their relationship.

The most common cases for mediation are civil disputes, including family conflicts. This includes disputes over custody and separation, property disputes, contract disputes, landlord-tenant problems, employee-employer conflicts, neighbor-neighbor conflicts, and many more.

When considering whether your case is right for mediation, ask yourself if any of these statements apply to you:

- The law cannot provide the remedy you want

- You want to end a problem, not a relationship

- Your dispute is no one else's business and you want to keep it that way

- You want to minimize costs

- You want to settle the dispute promptly

- You want to avoid establishing a legal precedent

- You are having difficulty initiating negotiations, or lack negotiating skills

Hearing one another

I have been a certified general and family mediator for almost 7 years; however, I recently sat on the other side of the table as a mediation participant. My husband and I have separated and we chose to participate in mediation to attempt to resolve some of our disputes. Our mediator was incredibly professional and followed the process throughout. This experience renewed my belief in the power of mediation. It truly does help people to “hear” one another - even when they disagree.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Competence

Parties going through mediation have the right to know their mediators' qualifications as a mediator as well as what the requirements for becoming certified as a mediator. While the vast majority of mediators who have gone through the certification process are qualified, if the parties do not have faith in the mediators themselves then it will be hard to convince them of the benefits of mediation. As a result, make sure you have information about your qualifications for parties that request it; not just the certification process but how much experience you have had. Be prepared to discuss your qualifications with the parties if they are curious as to what makes you a good mediator. Make sure the parties are satisfied before starting the mediation.

Mediatee Tips
Preparing for a Mediation: Review Paperwork

If you are going to be a party in a mediation, begin preparing for your mediation by reading the rules that will govern your mediation. Most mediation services will send you a set of rules when your mediation is scheduled; if you don't get a copy, request one. Rules cover things like when and how fees are to be paid, procedures to be followed, and the degree to which the mediation will be considered and kept confidential. Here are some examples of rules that you will probably encounter:

• Evidence rules: Given that mediation is not a courtroom matter, the limits on types of evidence you can use don't apply in mediation. However, since some parties may want to bring in outside witnesses or present documents, it will be up to the mediator to decide what can be let in.
• Pre-mediation memorandum: This is a written statement for the mediator explaining your version of the facts and issues involved in a dispute. This is not always necessary.
• Confidentiality: Since the information that comes out in a mediation can be of a highly sensative or personal nature, confidentiality is essential in allowing each party to speak freely. As a result, all mediators are required to keep everything said private except in a few circumstances (which will be explained to you before the mediation). The only thing that will go back to court - if the case is court referred - is the agreement that was reached.

There are other rules that you will want to be aware of; however, if you don't have time to read through them comprehensively, the mediator will explain the important ones to you before the mediation begins.