The art of mentoring

No matter if you became a mentor because it was a natural progression, or you just needed the class for recertification credits – you’re a mentor. We teach the parents in our Cooperative Co-Parenting workshops, simply having a child does not make you a good parent… it takes work. The same principle can be applied to being a mentor. Mentoring can be tough, draining, nerve racking. At the same time though, it’s rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting to see new mentee mediators blossom into well rounded and thoroughly thinking conflict resolution service providers.

If you’re a mentor, remember to stick to the basics. Make the mentee feel comfortable by introducing yourself and showing them around the courthouse or Center. Be sure to get to know them, what they want to practice in the session, and what kind of feedback they’ve received before from other mentors. Use your mediation skills to coach the mentee on specific steps you expect to see from them! Yes, mediation skills can be used in and out of the mediation…

Finally, when it’s time for debriefing, keep it positive. Now, I know you’re thinking of the most difficult mentee you ever worked with and are saying to yourself, “How can I keep THAT positive?” Well, it certainly isn’t easy, but you’ve gotten out of tough mediations before & this is no different. Try to say at least one or two good things for ever thing they should change. When you tell your mentee something to change, offer a few suggestions & even model the behavior or example how you would have said it in the mediation room. Lastly, ensure the mentee has the opportunity to give you feedback. This makes the process feel more equitable, plus you’ll get to learn something new about yourself and your mentor style which could potentially lead you to being the best mentor you can be.

Amanda Burbage

Mediator Tips
Identifying Interests

Identifying interests goes a long way towards allowing for a satisfactory resolution to a mediation. Interests are the root reasons why a party or participant wants things in a specific way, but they are not always aware of them or willing to state outright what they are. More often than not, the parties will state their position and attempt to justify it. As a mediator, you should be ready to bring out their interests using specifically tailored questions.

Language that indicates positions are things like this:

• "I have to do X because…."
• "I cannot do X because….."
• "I’m really concerned about…."

To get to the interests, ask questions like:

• "Tell me why you need . . . .?"
• "Could you tell me a little more about your reasons for . . . .?"
• "Help me understand…?"

Learning to build trust

Trust is a very important aspect of mediation. Often times the emphasis on trust is for the mediators to build trust and rapport with the parties. Building this trust enables parties to feel more comfortable with the often new process of mediation. Although this bridge of trust is very significant, it is equally as important for the parties to build trust for the mediators. The lack of trust can frequently lead mediations back to litigation. In one of my first mediation experiences, there was little (if any) trust built between the mediators and the parties. Although the case did not reach an agreement and went on to arbitration, it was a great learning experience. Trust such an important factor in mediation and can easily prevent reaching the ultimate goal and meet the expectation of both mediators and parties in dispute.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Valuing Diversity

Dealing with diversity can be a tricky issue in mediation. While pre-judging and generalizations can be useful tools, when they develop into stereotypes they inhibit one's ability to understand each disputant's interests. The definition of a stereotype is as follows:

Fixed inflexible notions about a group that block the ability to think about people as individuals.

In order to overcme this problem, we all must learn to stand back and listen without putting your own judgement into play. Mediation allows us to “hear” people and not assume they are all coming from the same place. The more comfortable people are learning about others the more empowered they feel, as they don’t feel challenged to change.

Encouraging appreciation of diversity is a good tool to remember, as by recognizing the value of group differences a common ground between disputants can be found.

Never judge a client by their body language

Never assume the outcome of a mediation solely by the body language of participants. I learned this when I co-mediated a case involving two mothers whose boys were playing when one injured the other. Each parent brought in several people for support and the two groups sat in separate clusters, arms folded, glaring at each other in silence. "This is never going to happen," I thought to myself.

We asked each parent to bring a family member into the mediation room, where things got off to a rough start. The mother of the injured child spoke first and in telling her story, her voice grew louder. The other parent interrupted, refuting the facts. They continued talking at the same time, neither listening to the other as each raised her voice to talk over the other.

My co-mediator, a retired military member with the booming voice of a Marine Corps drill sergeant, let the shouting continue for what seemed like several minutes, but probably was only a few seconds, spoke up. "TIME OUT!", he commanded. The clients immediately disengaged from each other and looked at us. The mediator lowered his voice and began asking specific questions to each parent. I began to do the same. It was almost as if we had rehearsed our response.

The tactic drained the anger and tension out of the room. We learned that while these parents lived in the same neighborhood, they did not know each other and had not spoken to each other in the months since the accidental injury. Each had had a lot of time to think about the incident, and to let their anger build. The mother of the injured boy was suing for out-of-pocket medical expenses not covered by her insurance. Once we got past the emotion, the story began to unfold as each parent talked about what had happened and their response to the incident. The mother of the boy who injured the other apologized. The other parent accepted the apology and acknowledged that it was an accident and not intentional. After that, we got down to the business of how the medical costs would be repaid.

After the mediation, I was emotionally drained, but felt good about the outcome. We can't always get clients to agree, but it helps when we don't make assumptions before the mediation begins.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
Courtroom Ethics

When mediating in court, it is important to know the rules and laws that govern a mediator’s behavior towards people being mediated. While a certified mediator has civil immunity from prosecution under the law, there are a number of ethical guidelines a mediator must follow. Such guidelines are:

• Mediators are prohibited from compelling or coercing parties into settlement agreements.
• Mediators have an obligation to be free of conflicts of interest ( this means clearing any conflict of interest by disclosure and/or consent of the parties not provided for).
• Mediators are prohibited from disclosing one party’s confidential information to the other.
• Mediators are prohibited from making observations regarding the conduct and demeanor of the parties and their counsel during the mediation.

Keep these in mind when mediating at court so that you can live up to your potential as a mediator.

Mediation Frustration

Recently, the mediation services area has been somewhat busy lately. In trying to expand our services to different areas of Hampton Roads, we have run into several bureaucratic obstacles. Unfortunately, these obstacles only hinder the important role that mediation plays in the criminal justice system.

Mediation is an opportunity for people to use self-determination to resolve conflict, and it can be of great assistance to the justice system. Alternative Dispute Resolution is an avenue of gaining justice that will leave all parties feeling heard and empowered. Unfortunately, the justice system cannot meet everyone’s needs, as adjudication rarely allows for restoration or vindication and almost every court case will leave someone feeling like something else is needed. Plaintiffs and defendants often need someone to understand that their ordeal is frustrating and that they are hurt.

Despite the care and detail that is put into writing the law, a judge only makes decisions on what the law says is just, which does not necessarily reflect what is fair. A judge looks at case law and statute, not at long hours of work, tears, shouting matches, and destroyed relationships. Mediation provides what the judge cannot, an opportunity to look at what is fair and just and a place to discuss what the law does not and cannot take into account. It is for this reason we want to provide mediation as a valuable addition to the typical legal process. It is important that the criminal justice system does not see people as merely a docket number but as individuals going through a difficult time and in need of help.

Mandy Stallings

Cultural Differences

I’ve been a mediator with the Community Mediation Center for about six years now. I have mediated hundreds of cases of all different types. However, I had a new experience this week that refreshed some things for me. I observed a Child Dependency Mediation that involved a mother who is Vietnamese and speaks limited English. The parties present at the mediation included the mother, the Social Worker, an in-home therapist, the Guardian ad Litem and the Vietnamese interpreter.

The subject matter itself was intense. The mother and the Social Worker and the therapist were there to find ways to work together so that “mom” could retain custody of her children and avoid putting them in foster care. The Guardian ad Litem was there to look out for the children’s best interest. Clearly those two sides did not always see eye to eye. The real challenge came when cultural issues arose. The interpreter that was there, a Vietnamese man himself, quickly turned into an advocate for the mom instead of the translator that we had anticipated. The had long dialogues back and forth, him trying to help her understand, not only in word but in meaning, what the other parties were asking of her in terms of the care of her children. Issues were raised such as having a Vietnamese therapist for the children and the mother’s opposition to putting one of her children on medication for ADD. These appeared to stem from her cultural beliefs according to the interpreter.

It is important for us as mediators to set our own cultural views and stereotypes aside to some extent and stop and think who our clients are in a mediation. Are they young or old? White or black? From the North or South? Married or single? Although not all of these issues are cultural, these are just a few of the characteristics that make up a person and influence there decisions. Just something to think about.

Sara M. Foote

Mediator Tips
The Mediation Process: An Overview

I. Introduction: The mediators set the stage.

• Greeting, seating and familiarity with facility (be gracious).
• Mediators explain the process (set them at ease).
• Explanation of our impartial role (sets the tone for openness).
• Review, then sign the Agreement to Mediate Form.
• Help parties develop the Ground Rules and ask for their commitment.

II. Storytelling: A time for people to be heard and share perceptions.

• Summarize each person's story by reflecting back the general content themes and associated feelings.
• Clarify by asking open-ended questions regarding unclear issues that appear to be important.
• Listen to each person's views and feelings about the situation. Actively listen to their story
• Reframe or restate the issues and concerns by focusing on their needs and interests.
• Identify Issues and begin Bridge Building: Assist parties in owning the problem.
• Join the parties by giving a synopsis of their shared interests.
• Identify and explore all the issues.
• Use a flip chart to help everyone stay on track, one issue at a time (if applicable).

III. Generating Options: To engage the parties in a creative and collaborative discussion about remedies for resolution.

• Brainstorm for possible options for resolution.
• Use flip charts to illustrate possible options.
• Encourage and reward collaboration.
• Listen actively by giving appropriate eye contact and posture.
• Clarifying/Reality Testing: A time for parties to gain a better understanding of their options.
• Ask “what if” questions as you help the parties examine the viability of options. Be creative.
• Compliment them on their progress when an issue reaches closure.
• Through open-ended questioning, flush out more details for parties’ options.

IV. Resolution - Agreement: The “final touch” - this affirms and clarifies their personal effort during mediation.

• Mediator is a “scrivener” for the parties and any resolution.
• Confirm consensus on the option selected for each issue.
• Coach them in drafting their agreement - use their words when possible.
• Include specific details that address who, what, when, and where.
• Use simple and clear statements that everyone can understand once they have left the mediation session.
• Balance is important -- everyone can do something to resolve the conflict.

V. Closure: A time to acknowledge the parties for their hard work and reconfirm their agreement.

• Go over the written resolution point by point with the parties and make any changes.
• Reconfirm that the parties can have an attorney review the resolution as it will become a legal document when signed or the parties can waive that opportunity and sign.
• A written agreement is only confidential when it is stated within the text of the agreement.
• Have parties fill out client evaluation form.
• If ready, have the parties sign an original written resolution for themselves and have 2 originals signed for the DSC.
• Invite final comments.
• Handshake.

Youth for Peace Conference

The Community Mediation Center recently held its 2nd annual Youth for Peace Conference. We played a lot and worked hard...one of the topics we concentrated on was the importance of applying mediation skills to our everyday lives, not just the mediation room. We know how to paraphrase, identify interests, brainstorm creative solutions...but do we when it comes to our own issues? The kids attending the conference concluded that it is possible to live by our mediation priciples, but it takes a little practice and a lot of courage. We made a promise to try at least ONCE to apply mediation skills in our personal lives. I hope you join us!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Coordinator

Transitions

The definition of transition is a passage from one form, state, style, or place to another. The past year as an AmeriCorps VISTA at the Community Mediation Center has definitely been a transition for me in all aspects of the definition.

- FORM: Form is usually thought of in the structural sense, but I will approach this dimension of the definition a little different. Most can probably tell, but I bought my first suit for my AmeriCorps VISTA interview. Growing up between a farm in Michigan and the beach in Virginia, did not teach me much about the aspects of business casual attire. Transitioning through AmeriCorps has allowed my closet to take on new, more appropriate form.

- STATE: As a laid-back, beach native, I was never keen on being on time or keeping things organized. I have always worked and played at my own pace, not recognizing the effects of other people and things around me. My experience here at the Center has given me the skill and ability to be organized. Most of the staff members are aware of my dependence on organization, not knowing that this is recent transition from my old ways.

- STYLE: When I first began my journey at the Center, it was funny for me to hear the staff say that they cannot remember how things used to be before they were trained as mediators. Now, only a year later, I feel much of the same. I have been able to use the skills I have learned here, not only in mediation, but in many aspects of my personal life. It is unbelievable for me to think of how quickly this transition has occurred.
- PLACE: I have always enjoyed new places. As a daughter of a now-retired Navy father, I was always ready to pick up and move to new place. Luckily, I was able to stay in Virginia Beach for most of my life, but I was always ready and aware that change could happen anytime. Most recently, I have changed positions, and along with that came relocation. Although hesitant at first, my experience as an AmeriCorps VISTA has enhanced my ability to be flexible and open to change.

Kim Hopwood
Training Coordinator

The importance of being a non-profit

Have you ever had a conversation where it seems as though the other person isn’t listening? Just to test them, you end up throwing outrageous things into your monologues: “So, I just bought an African elephant the other day. He's named fluffy.”

Working in outreach is kind of like that- minus the African elephant, of course. For every 10 people you contact, most likely only one will respond to you. Even those who say they will call you back, rarely do. Its frustrating at times, but it’s important not get discouraged - after all, you don’t want to sell your services to people who don’t want them.

Non-profits often have to work in this manner. They are dedicated to fulfilling their mission to help the community rather than meeting the ‘bottom line,’ so they must rely on the community to support them. They must be aggressive in pursuing those who are interested in what they do. For-profits are useful in providing goods and services to the community, but since their goal is to make money for their shareholders, they are not primarily working for the public's best interest. Since you cannot trust the government to be everywhere and do everything, the community needs to pick up the slack. This is the role of non-profits- to work to improve the community in the spaces that for-profits and the government do not cover.

So despite the number of no’s I receive and the number of people who blow me off, I am proud to be a part of the non-profit community.

Nathan Eckstrand

Mediator Tips
Family Mediation- The Consultation

Most families who inquire about mediation know little about the process because they have never been in mediation before. Instead, families are frequently referred from the court, lawyers, family service agencies or by others who have used mediation in the past. Therefore, taking time to evaluate and assess family needs is important prior to accepting them as clients.

A brief and informal meeting, prior to mediation, benefits both the families and the mediator in the following ways:

1. It is an opportunity for the families to ask some common questions, such as:

• How much will this cost?
• How long will each session last and how many sessions will we need?
• What do I do?
• What do you do?
• What will it be like?
• Do I want to do this and am I able to do this?

2. It is an opportunity for the mediator to meet his/her ethical obligations by:

• Screening for domestic violence
• Assessing client’s communication dynamics
• Familiarizing clients with process and Agreement to Mediate form
• Gathering data about the family
• Determining if this is the right time for this family to be in mediation
• Refering clients to other professionals if needed

Developing your own style

When I was going through the mentee process, one of my mentors gave me some great advice."Mediate with a lot of different people," he said. "Eventually you will develop your own style." I'm still working on developing my mediation style, but the advice is true for other activities. When I was training to teach the co-parenting class (designed for parents who have separated), I co-taught with three deifferent instructors, each with her own style. All the information provided in the class is the same, but the presentation is slightly different, depending on the instructor. Some use prepared charts, others overheads or add information to a flip chart as it is presented.
Most parents attend the class because a judge has ordered them here. They think they are being punished or that the court thinks they are bad parents. After more than a year teaching this class, I have my own style, drawn in part from those who trained me and mixed with my own perspective and personality. The introductioon--designed to make them more comfortable and willing to participate --is now mine. So is the closing at the end of the class. The material in between is the same information the other trainers present, but done in my fashion.
Now that I'm actually mentoring a new trainer, my approach is to team her with each of the trainers, and not just me. Eventually, she will develop her own style, based in part on something from each of us and then mixed with her unique perspective and personality.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
The Importance of Confidentiality

The mediation process is helpful for many people because it is confidential. All conversations and work products, including various scenarios for resolution generated during the process, are held in confidence (e.g. notes are destroyed, mediators do not discuss cases or make statements to the court). However, a mediated agreement is not a confidential document unless it is stated within the text of the agreement.

Confidentiality creates a more confortable setting for participants in mediation, which allows for better facilitation and more open dialogue. Because of confidentiality, individuals are more likely to open and share.

Make sure that the confidentiality part of the agreement to mediate form is sufficiently covered during the introduction.

The importance of being heard

I have been a mediator since 1993 and have trained mediators here at the Community Mediation Center since 1998. In reflecting on why mediation means so much to me, I realize it is because mediation can begin a healing process for people in conflict. And because people have a desperate need to talk to someone and be “heard”.

Being heard is not just about listening with ears but hearing with the heart and mind. It is about making a human-to-human connection in an ever increasing digital world.

Listening is the essence of mediation for me. That is why I am so passionate about mediators utilizing the reflective listening technique during the mediation process. Reflective listening summarizes what someone has said by linking content (the overall theme of what was said) with feeling.

When identifying the content of a statement, the mediator doesn’t just “parrot” what was said but captures the key theme or subject by dropping away nonessential information and “laundering” the language so it is palatable for all participants in the mediation.

Then, link that content with the feeling expressed. It is the acknowledgement of the feeling which truly helps people feel “heard”. Feelings are essential to human nature and so often in society those feelings are denied. When that happens, pressure builds up to the breaking point. Just look at the newspaper or listen to the news for examples of this.

In all my years of mediation, I have seen the magic woven by reflective listening. Emotions have deescalated and there is such a relief in voice and body language when people feel heard.

So don’t forget to use reflective listening as much as possible in mediation. I’ll be listening…..

Karen Richards

Mediator Tips
Caucus

A caucus is a time when mediators will meet with each party separately. It should be used sparingly, and only when other avenues have not been effective. Caucusing should not occur unless both parties agree it is necessary and timely.

When to caucus

• When you need independent clarification to confirm suspected spousal, substance or child abuse that may prohibit the parties from speaking freely in front of each other and may be a reason to discontinue the process.
• When the level of hostility is so intense that it inhibits communication.
• When either of the parties repeatedly responds in an unproductive way to questions, the other party, or options toward resolution.

Reasons for caucus

• To allow disputants to ventilate
• To assist parties to negotiate
• To clarify goals and concerns
• To generate options
• To examine alternatives

The Mediator's approach in caucus

Focus on the reason for the caucus. Determine with your co-mediator what you want to accomplish.

1. Gaining additional information.
   
   Example: "Could you tell me specifically what you mean when you say that Jane's method of disciplining Bobby is not right. Can you give us an example?"
   
   or
   
   Example: "It sounds to me like when you drink, your behavior effects Jane. Knowing this, are you willing to address the drinking?"

2. Reality testing to ask the party if mediation should continue and to explore other options for resolution.
   
   Example: "I've noticed that you are having difficulty being in the same room with Bob. I sense that you are angry and frustrated. What I am concerned about is whether this process is doable for you right now. What do you think? It is my feeling that you may need to think about other options and how they might resolve the issue.”

3. Coaching clients when they are stuck and want to save face.
   
   Example: "You are trying very hard, but my sense is that when you bring up Jane's indiscretion it blocks your progress when discussing parenting. Our hope for you is that your children will benefit from having both parents working cooperatively to raise them. Do you agree that we should focus on the children?"

Remember that even in caucus you must be aware of what you are saying and how you are phrasing your words. Be clear about your concerns and use "I" messages. Don't try to solve the problem- they have the solution. Focus on what can change: you can’t change the past but can change the future.

Mediator Tips
The Transformative Approach

Robert Baruch Bush and Joseph Folger have identified 3 general approaches to mediation in their book, The Promise of Mediation. They are as follows:

Satisfaction Story: A problem-solving approach that is currently being used by most practitioners.

Social Justice Story: Those who view mediation's goal as a way of building consensus-for-change within a larger group such as community.

Transformation Story: Refers to those practitioners who approach mediation as a way to change the participants and, thereby, change society.

The Transformation approach is based on two interconnected concepts: empowerment, which leads to recognition.

Empowerment

"Is achieved when the party experiences a strengthened awareness of their own self-worth and their ability to deal with the difficulties they face regardless of external constraints."

People are empowered during mediation when they participate in:

-Identifying both needs and goals:
She has a clearer realization than before of what matters to her and why.

-Suggests Options:
He is aware of a range of choices to meet his goals. He has control over his choices and has the choice to accept or reject mediation, legal advice etc.

-Skill Development:
She increases or adds to her own skills in communication, conflict resolution, listening, organizing and analysis.

-Resources:
He gains new awareness of resources already in his possession. He realizes more clearly than before that he holds something that is of value to the other party; he can communicate and persuade effectively; his resources can be rearranged to make them reach further.

-Decision Making:
She reflects, deliberates and makes conscious decisions for herself. She assesses the strengths and weaknesses of her arguments (and the other party's) and makes decisions in that light.

Recognition

"Is achieved when empowerment is present -- and they are willing to acknowledge and be responsive to the other persons' situation and common human qualities."

Recognition occurs only if the person experiences some degree of empowerment. Recognition is given to the other person when:

Cognitive (Attribution) Processes:
-She realizes that, she has the capacity to reflect about, consider, and acknowledges in some way the situation of the other party. She realizes and feels secure enough to stop thinking exclusively about her own situation and to focus to some degree on the other party.
-She realizes that beyond her capacity to analyze cognitively she has a desire to acknowledge the other person in an objective way.
-She realizes that she wants to focus her attention on what the other person is experiencing and find a way to acknowledge that experience on a human level.
-She is able to engage in reinterpreting past conduct and events in light of new information and deduce from that information a new perspective about the person and the conflict.

Words of Recognition:
-She openly acknowledges her new and changed understanding. She admits that she sees things differently (openly or privately).
-She accompanies her statement of a new perspective with an apology.
-She apologizes for her own past behaviors based on misinterpreting the other's previous behaviors without knowing about situational factors.

Actions of Recognition:
-She makes decisions in light of her changed understanding.
-She accepts the past and is willing to focus on the future.
-She regrets not having the sufficient resources to change a decision.
-She offers other suggestions in light of limited resources.

Spreading the message with booth displays

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said – “Community Mediation. What’s that?”

Spreading the word about mediation services and volunteer opportunities is tough! One thing we do at the Community Mediation Center is connect with the community with booth displays. Everyone has been to a trade show or conference where there are vendors – and it’s practically the same. Expand your scope to include information tables at council meetings, parent teacher meetings, civic league meetings, parks and recreation department fun days, State of the City events, little league registration drives… Basically, any time there’s an event – WHY NOT?

Keep the message simple too. If we’re at an event focused on youth, then we talk about peer mediation. If its focused on communities, then neighborhood mediation and facilitated dialogues are the trick. The number one thing to do when you do a community booth display is to get their contact information. People appreciate a follow up letter, phone call, or email that’s personalized – it shows you’re thoughtful and that you remember them and that you’re committed to making your program successful.

It never fails – at every display someone tells me “Thank You,” for doing the work or for attending their event. The impact is clear… more people know about mediation and how to gain access to it!

Amanda Burbage

Expectations in Mediation

When I first began mediating at the Virginia Beach GDC (Civil), my main goal was to reach an agreement. It took nearly a year of mediations before it occurred to me that I didn’t have the my goals in order and my mediation technique amounted to pushing the clients toward resolution and not infrequently going astray from the process which is presented in General Mediation Training. And my stress over getting an agreement and overall anxiousness was leaking over to the clients, making them uncomfortable and sometimes angry.

Eventually, I began to get my mediation goals in better perspective. The change came gradually. But I came to see that by putting aside expectations of getting agreements, forgetting about how agreements would “make me look good” I could relax and calmly listen to client’s stories. Today the first step before mediations is to drop all expectations. Not all cases are meant to be mediated and resolved. These days I try relax and listen, tell clients about mediation let the process lead where it may.

The ironic thing is my settlement rate is better now that I stopped having expectations about all cases getting resolved. Client evaluations are more favorable and friction between clients and I has seriously declined. No buttons pushed or blow-ups. No calls from Geetha this year either! Call me a slow learner, but there is no substitute for mediating as much as possible to learn and grow professionally.

Ken Ferebee
4/13/06