What is an at-risk youth?

At-risk youth is a term that gets used a lot...when we train at-risk kids in conflict resolution, we have to be aware of certain emotional and developmental characterists they share:

1. Devalued-self: Ongoing experience with violence and/or neglect leaves child with a devalued sense of selfThe child believes others will eventually reject him/her, based on personal experience. Before being rejected, child will reject adult first to avoid getting hurt.

2. Self-efficacy – one’s belief about his/her own ability too learn new things. At-risk youth are not confident in his/her own ability to learn. Therefore, it is safer for them to “pretend” not being interested to avoid looking like a fool.

3. Delayed gratification is the ability to work toward a goal and wait for its rewards. At-risk youth have a history of anger and frustration, which lowers their ability to be patient and work toward a goal. Constant genuine praise is a MUST!

4. Concrete Learning: Violence, neglect, frustration and anger delay a child’s ability to think in an abstract manner. At-risk youth need concrete examples in order to learn – lots of activities and role plays, instead of lectures!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Coordinator

Listening in Real Life

The more I teach effective conflict resolution the more I understand the benefits in real life terms. Hardly a day passes without using reflective listening, reframing, open ended questions and brainstorming. Without these skills life would be too hard. This is my blog message today – make your life easier. Be a better communicator. Keep in mind, it’s not all in the way you talk (the words you choose, your tone, the frame you put around your ideas, casting blame), it is also in the way you listen. Prove to people through your body language and your spoken word that you’ve truly understood their feelings and their facts. Don’t separate the emotion, that’s the most important part in helping people vent.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Solving Ethical Problems

Occasionally when doing a mediation you may be put into a situation where several ethical rules come into play. As a certified mediator, you need to be aware of these rules so that you know how to act responsibly. To work your way through the ethical dilemma, follow the steps below. After you read through the steps, try solving the hypothetical ethical dilemma described at the bottom.

1. Define the problem carefully.
2. Determine what ethical rules govern the problem.
3. If the applicable rules appear to provide conflicting guidance:
   - Rank the sources of the ethical rules, and see if any have higher precedence than the others
   - Determine where the crux of the conflict lies (sample questions to ask yourself) to generate possible options:
   i. Is the circumstance not appropriate for mediation?
   ii. Are you unable to mediate the situation, but another mediator who is differently positioned could?
   iii. Can the situation be overcome ethically by informing the parties, and obtaining their consent to proceed?
4. Ensure that solutions to the problem are:
   - Within the ethical rules too (i.e. do not compromise a second ethical rule in order to solve the initial problem)
   - Supported by logical rationale
   - Mindful of public policy
   - Implemented in a professional manner

Hypothetical Ethical Dilemma:
You are mediating a case between a dry cleaning business and a consumer. The consumer indicated that she had two Sunday jackets that she uses to sing in the church choir which were damaged by the cleaner and she wants the cleaner to pay for their replacement, $ 120 each. The cleaner says that her standard policy is to pay $ 35 for each garment of this type in a claim. In looking at the jackets it is hard to detect exactly how they are damaged. In a caucus the consumer tells you that the jackets do mean a lot to her, but she bought them at a sale for about $ 50 each. Back in regular session, the mediator asks the consumer why the jackets are so important to her. She replies that these jackets are the last two gifts her husband gave her before he passed away. What should the mediator do?

Suggested Response: The mediator should once again caucus with the consumer to clarify what she had disclosed. If the mediator determines there is a lack of good faith then the mediator should consider terminating the process.

What we have here is a failure to communicate


I'm standing at the base of the Space Needle in Seattle, WA with my adult children, Mindy, Thom and Becca. Before being allowed on the express elevator (500 feet in 41 seconds), we have to see the man behind the desk about our reservation. Our name is not on the list. The conversation goes like this:

Mindy: "I thought you made the reservation, Thom."
Thom: "I tried, but I didn't have a credit card, so I asked Dad to make the reservation."
Dad: "Becca told me you made the reservation, Mindy."
Becca: "No I didn't."

We had this conversation about three times, before the man behind the desk began laughing. It's okay, he said, they were not busy and we could go up to the restaurant. We were seated within a few minutes. A Wednesday afternoon in October is not exactly prime tourist season for Seattle. If it had been prime tourist season, the lack of communications between four adults might have resulted in an awkward situation and lunch about 3 p.m., if we could get in.

Whenever I teach the parenting class, one sticky point that always comes up is a lack of communication between the parents. A lot of emotion is usually involved and it's sometimes difficult to talk to each other, even about mundane things like pick up and drop off times for the children. Communication isn't always about talking to each other. Those situations can be resolved by working with a third party or using a notebook that includes special instructiions for medicines, homework assignments or piano lessons. Using a notebook helps communicate important information. It's important that everyone knows about visitation schedules, support payments and other details of adults involved in seperation.

That information should be shared with children, to help make them feel a little more assured that they will have time with each parent. Children need structure and routine and they need to know when they will be with each parent.

Perhaps the most important communications link is between parent and child. Children do not have a voice in the seperation process. Their lives are simply turned upsidedown by adults making drastic, and sometimes sudden, decisions. How parents communicate what is happening depends on the age of the child. But even young children notice the changes and ask questions. This is not a time to bash the other parent as the reason for the seperation. Even a simple statement like, "Your mom and I are not going to live together, but I will still be in your life" can be reassuring.

A young woman reflected on her experience when her parents seperated when she was 6. Two people I really loved, my dad and brother, were simply gone, she recalled. Then there was a new man in the house and we moved 1,200 miles away. Nobody would tell me anything. My dad wasn't there to tell me what was happening and my mom wouldn't talk about it at all. It was very confusing and painful. The young woman is my daughter, now 25. Her recollection is going to translate into a strong statement in the parenting classes to sit down and communicate with children, regardless of age.

All this writing and memories of the good food in Seattle is making me hungry. I think it's my turn to make dinner reservations.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
After Brainstorming

After you brainstorm some options, there are a couple things you can do to help participants reach an agreement. These tips are taken from the book Getting to Yes, which discusses negotiation tactics.

1. Star the Most Promising Ideas: Ask the participants which options they think are the most promising. Remember, you are not at the decision stage yet, just at the point where the most promising ideas are winnowed out.

2. Invent Improvements for Promising Ideas: Take one of the promising ideas and discuss ways to improve it to make it better and more realistic, as well as ways to carry it out. The point of this is to make the idea as attractive as possible.

3. Set up a time to evaluate ideas and decide: If a solution can not be reached in that particular session, it may be necessary to break up and have each participant look over the solutions by themselves. Before you break up, draw together a list of the most promising ideas in their revised form. Then, decide when to meet again and how much time individuals should spend thinking about the ideas.

Mediator Tips
The Opening Statement in an Arbitration

Mediation and arbitration are based on some similar principles, but the decision making process in each is very different. As a result, the opening statement in arbitration will focus on different points compared to that of mediation. Below are some tips to keep in mind when doing an introduction to arbitration. Also, click here to learn more about arbitration.

• Welcome the parties and thank them for using arbitration.
• Administer the Oath of Participant and confirm the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• State you will not disclose details of the case to anyone except, possibly, to the CMC staff for administrative purposes.
• Disclose conflicts of interest or prior experience with either of the parties, and ask if they know of any conflicts of interests.
• Confirm both parties have the right to an attorney.
• Explain that you may curb irrelevant or repetitious testimony.
• Request the parties agree to demonstrate common courtesy and refrain from interrupting each other during the hearing.
• Explain you will maintain control of the hearing.
• Notify the parties you will be impartial and will not express opinions or react emotionally.
• Explain that you will keep the hearing focused on issues in the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• Explain the decision is binding, and confirm the parties understand what that means.
• Explain you will be submitting your Decision and Reasons for Decision to the CMC within the next 5 days, and they will mail a copy of those documents to each party.

Keeping the Center sustainable

A question we often ask ourselves here is how to keep the Center sustainable. That is, how can we make sure that we can continue to do all that we are currently doing? Ultimately, this is where the Center’s outreach program is useful. Making connections in the community, sending out word of our services to newspapers, and putting up booth displays are all ways in which we spread the word about the Center and maintain sustainability.

While it may sound like sustainability is just retaining all the business we have, it is really about making new business connections as well. Contracts end and training programs are finite affairs, so when we fulfill one contract with an organization it is important that we have another organization that we can offer our services to next.

Over the years, the Center has done a good job of not only being sustainable, but increasing its capacity as well. I hear stories from older staff about how when the Center started there was only one full-time position and only a handful of volunteers. Additionally, the Center’s only purpose was to provide mediations to clients. Over time the Center has expanded its staff to around 8 full-time staff, 4 Americorps volunteers, and several interns from the community, and increased its services to include certification training, presentations to local businesses and community groups, arbitration, and youth programs. As Bob Glover used to say, we are in the business of conflict resolution.

The Center’s work to maintain sustainability is not as visible as the services that it maintains, but it is always on the minds of those who work here. Hopefully, the continued work we do will be as successful as it has been in the past.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

"Let there be Peace on Earth..."

“Let there be Peace on Earth and let it begin with me” intrigued me the first time I heard it. I wondered how could little ole me promote Peace on Earth?! I certainly could not see myself starting a world wide peace movement, HA!

Certain words or statements defining peace triggered the “ah ha!” response in me. Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, indicates “peace” to be commonly understood to mean the absence of hostilities. The definition goes further to include “freedom from disputes; resolution; non-violence; harmonious relations and the absence of mental stress or anxiety … as the meaning of the word changes with context.”

These descriptions seem to me to be part of the foundation for the process of mediation which offers the service of facilitation to assist others to discuss their conflicts and to agree on ways to resolve them. Even when parties are not able to come up with a resolution, they usually comment that they appreciate the process of attempting to handle their conflict through the process of mediation rather than violence or other types of disruptive behavior.

As I embrace the notion of promoting peace on earth through mediation, each session has an added sense of purpose. It is an opportunity that empowers all involved to promote better human relations by choosing to handle disputes in ways that promote harmony and respect.

I see no world peace movement leader in my future; however, in my own special way as a mediator, I can promote and practice Peace on Earth.

Peace,
Lucretha D. Hyman
Mediator

Mediator Tips
Financial Considerations in Family Mediation

Family mediations will often have to deal with the issue of child support, which means that money will be a factor that comes into play. In order to get a comprehensive view of each person's finances, there are several questions a mediator must get an answer to and several subjects that must be discussed. Examples of both follow:

1. Support Guideline
   a. Income of parents
   b. Health Insurance
   c. Extraordinary medical expenses
   d. Child care expenses
   e. Proportionate shares
   f. Who pays and when?
2. Reduction when child is with other parent?
3. Income Tax exemption: who will take it?
4. Medical care not covered by insurance
   a. Who will decide?
   b. Who will pay and how much?
5. Life insurance - Is the purpose for the policy to cover support in case of death of parent? With current life insurance polices, who is the beneficiary? Who is the owner? What type of policy – term, whole life or universal?
6. College
   a. Expectation of parents
   b. Expectation of children
7. Remember to get Social Security numbers and date of birth for both parents.

There are other questions that will arise as these questions are answered, but making sure that these topics are covered is a first step towards building an understanding of the financial issues involved in the mediation.

Working with Volunteers

We are a Community Mediation Center, which means we use volunteers from the community to do the majority of the interaction with clients. This is great because it allows us to do more than we could with our small staff, and it also allows the community to develop a passion for its own well-being.

The bad part is that volunteers choose when they are able to help, which sometimes means there are holes that have to be filled. As one of the staff persons that works with volunteers, this can be really frustrating. It is hard to strike a balance between respecting a volunteer's time and pressing them to get the job done. I never want to make a volunteer feel guilty for having a life outside of our center; I also never want them to feel underappreciated. At the same time, it is important they recognize that being a volunteer comes with certain obligations, as the Center relies on volunteers to do our work. As we often say, "Volunteers are the heart of the Center."

When volunteers cancel last minute or do not show up for their obligations they leave other volunteers, as well as our clients (which include the courts), in the lurch. It does not make us look good to have to explain to a judge the reason why there was no mediator in court is because our volunteer did not show up, and also to explain why we didn't know in advance. If this were a staff person, there would be a reprimand, but with a volunteer, what reprimand can you give? This person is giving you their precious time- can you really reprimand them for choosing (albeit at the last minute) to not give you their time? It is time freely given.

This scenario, in various forms, happens about 3 times a month, which has led us to evaluate the way we use volunteers and also our volunteer program. We are looking at ways to make our program more effective so that volunteers are not put in a frustrating place, and neither are we. This is a difficult task because we have such an established set of volunteers who may be resistant to change or may feel slighted. It is difficult territory to manage volunteers; however, the payoff for our center and community is usually well worth it. Volunteer management also gives us an opportunity to grow and to hone our communication skills.

Mandy Stallings

Why I work at the CMC

Hello, my name is Benita Stinson and I am a senior at Old Dominion University. I am majoring in Human Service Counseling. Many people wonder why individuals choose majors that do not lend themselves to significant financial gain. I would say, for me, it is the opportunity to help individuals become empowered to lead better, more productive lives and to recognize that they hold the keys to their success. I guess that is my personal informal mission statement and the reason I chose the Community Mediation Center as my internship site. I am really impressed with the work it does in the community, especially for at risk-youth and families who have been displaced.

This summer I had the pleasure of facilitating a peer mediation class for youth participating in the city of Norfolk’s Youth Employment Program. The participants met four hours once a week for the month of July. This was my first experience utilizing the skills I learned in the General Mediation and Peer Mediation classes. I am very pleased to say that thanks to the training I received from the Center, I was well prepared to facilitate this class. The format of the class was very inviting to the participants because it allowed them to build on their natural ability to make great choices, understand and respect others, and learn healthy ways to deal with conflict instead of using violence. It was a valuable opportunity for me to use the knowledge I obtained from the center and my academics to help others. It also allowed me to observe how youth responses to conflict can change immensely when they implement conflict resolution skills as their primary strategies.

The students not only walked away with the power to be productive community members, but also with the tools to craft a great future for themselves!

Benita Stinson
Intern

Mediator Tips
Helpful Phrases in Mediation

Do you ever feel stuck in a mediation, like you don't know what words to use to summarize what the client is saying? It can happen to anyone; the important thing is to not let it unnerve you. Most likely, if you wait a minute, something will come to you to ask. However, it can be helpful to know certain phrases that can come in handy during a mediation. Below are several examples:

• “What I understand you both to be saying is…..”
• “Maybe the two of you could discuss …”
• “what do you want to do about this?”
• “Both of your concerns…”
• “I hear you want… What are some of your choices now?”
• “Have you thought about, or have you talked about…”

There are certainly many more than this. Build your own list of phrases that you can rely on in a mediation.

Mediator Tips
Preparing for a Mediation

It is important that you talk with your co-mediator about how you are going to do the mediation. For example, you should divide up the introduction; each person should have several sections. Next, figure out who is going to take the lead first in the generating options part. That is, who is going to ask the first question and which mediatee is it going to be directed to.

Different mediators have different styles of mediating. Make sure you discuss how you mediate with your partner beforehand so that you can create a collaborative approach that allows both of you to function at your best without stepping on each others' toes.

Also, the setup of the room is important. You should know how many mediatees you have ahead of time and should place the chairs in such a way that the parties, who may be quite hostile towards one another, are not in adversarial positions, but are facing the mediators (although they should not be turned away from each other either).

The more communication there is between you and your co-mediator, the better the mediation will go.

My name is Heather and this is my first blog. As the new Youth Program Coordinator, I was asked to submit a little something to the company website. I have been trying to come up with a few wise words for your reading pleasure, oh…the pressure!

I’m currently a senior at Old Dominion University under the Human Services curriculum with a special focus on children. A lot of people associate “Human Services” with “Human Resources”, there is a huge difference. Under the Human Services program I have focused on courses in Counseling, Sociology, Child Welfare, Grant Writing, and Communication. I love serving the community and I’m grateful for the opportunity to work with an agency that has such an ethical and impeccable reputation.

I have been away from the typical office setting for about three years and was a little nervous about the comeback. Although I consider myself a Rookie at the CMC, I already feel at ease. A CMC staffer is consistently available to answer questions, address issues and listen to suggestions. I’m eager to learn everything I can about the center, its’ team, the programs we offer, and the people we serve.

Thank You!

Heather M. Mathews (with one t)
Youth Programs Coordinator

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Mediator Tips
Writing the Resolution

Hopefully, your mediation will end with a resolution. However, to keep the parties from returning, a good resolution must be several things. First, it should be simple so that all parties can easily understand what it says. Second, it should be specific as to who does what and when they do it. Ambiguity can lead to more disagreements. Third, it must be balanced so that everyone is doing something. Fourth, there should be a universal consensus about the agreement; that is, everyone must agree to all parts of it. Finally, it needs to be practical. If an agreement asks the near impossible, it is unlikely that the parties will be able to hold to it and will slide back into conflict. Make sure to ask them if they feel they can do what they've agreed to.

Here are some helpful tips for writing a resolution:

• Offer an opening statement to frame the agreement but leave it up to them if they wish to use it or not.
• Use the parties’ names in the agreement and identify their relationship, i.e. John and Mary have a landlord-tenant relationship. Alternate names throughout the agreement.
• Use the parties’ own words as much as possible. Don’t add issues that they did not discuss in session.
• Add in any positive emotions from the session but don’t make any up. If there weren’t any “warm and fuzzies”, don’t add any.
• Avoid ambiguous terms such as "reasonable" or "soon" and don’t use any legal terminology, unless directed to and/or under the guidance of a court.

Back to School with Peer Mediation

As summer comes to an end, and students head back to school, let’s look at Peer Mediation as an alternative to Conflict Resolution. Conflict is something that occur everyday, to all people, whether it is good or bad. How one chooses to resolve conflict will determine the outcome. Peer mediation is one solution that students can use to problem solve, and resolve conflicts. Peer mediation is a learned skill that can be used throughout life.

Let’s establish what conflict is. What exactly does the word conflict mean? The Community Mediation Center defines conflict as controversy or disagreement. What are some words that student’s think of when they hear the word conflict? All students have situations that they deal with on a daily basis, but they do not use the word conflict. Conflict is described as a physical fight, a verbal confrontation, an emotional problem, name-calling, cultural bias, discrimination issue, and any disagreement between two or more people; all of which students will experience while in school. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing; it could mean revealing things in order to show there is no problem at all. Peer Mediation allows problems to be identified and bring about change for the good.

Most students do not know how to deal with conflict; their way of resolving conflict is usually through physical or verbal fighting. Though they may get their point across, this is not a solution to the problem. Physical fighting or verbal exchanges only lead to more problems.

Determining how to deal with conflict can be complicated when students are involved; this is when School Administration needs to introduce Peer Mediation. Do to the pressures of student life, which include peers, athletic teams, neighborhoods, race, family, and a number of other factors, students will attempt to resolve conflict based on what they have learned from these influences. Some students do not know how to deal with conflict because they have not been taught correctly. Let us begin to change the disciplinary procedures in the school setting, by starting with Peer Mediation, after all in the adult profession world we are not sent to the boss or sent home (for 10 days) for everything that goes on in the workplace.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth Outreach

Mediator Tips
How to help generate options

Generating options is an important part of the process because of its transformation of participants from a mindset of talking about what happened to them into a mindset of thinking constructively about what to do about the problem. If done correctly, participants will move beyond their initial positions and think about what they can do to help the problem. Below are some tips you can use to make the generating options process a success.

• Use a flipchart to help the parties brainstorm possible solutions. Remember to help them think “outside of the box.”
• Feelings that surface may indicate other concerns that have not been addressed. More storytelling may be needed.
• Manage positional thinking by referring back to their reasons for choosing to mediate. "We've come a long way from the beginning of the session, are you still willing to look for a mutually satisfying solution?”
• Mediators may give "what if" scenarios to do reality testing on suggestions.
• Be willing to accept that not all parties are ready to resolve at the same time.

Mediator Tips
Conflicts of interest

The mediator has a duty to remain free from conflict of interest that could in any way affect the ability of the mediator to conduct a neutral and balanced process. Since it is important that the parties trust the mediator, talking about conflicts of interest- if any- is important for the mediation process.

Among the things a mediator must disclose are any current, past, or possible future representation or relationship with any party or attorney involved in the mediation. Additionally, any financial interests relevant to the mediation must be disclosed. Finally, any and all disclosures should be made as soon as possible after the mediator becomes aware of the interest or relationship.

After appropriate disclosure, the mediator may serve if the parties so desire.

"It takes a community..."

There is an ongoing debate in the field of psychology about the merits of treating an individual without treating the entire family. Is it possible to truly change one person's behavior without also changing his or her community?I believe that, when we teach conflict resolution skills to at-risk youth, we face the same dilemma...During training, these kids show an incredible ability to learn CR skills to resolve issues - they are assertive, caring and inquisitive. However, it is not an easy task for them to translate those skills into behaviors that would work in their community - family, friends, neighbors! Of course we need to keep on teaching these kids how to best deal with conflict without the use of violence, but how wonderful it would be if we also addressed their community!

Andrea C. Palmisano
Youth Program Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles

Here's a useful tool that we use at the Center in our trainings to help people understand the causes and mannerisms of conflict. It is a way of measuring the various ways in which individuals handle conflict, and it categorizes them into 5 different types: competing, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and accomodating. Here are their meanings:

• Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win."
• Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay."
• Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground."
• Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win solution."
• Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield."

People don't fall into only one category, but rather have a grade in each. For example, someone can have a high number in competing and compromising, a middle number in collaborating, and a lot number in accomodating and avoiding.

As a mediator, it is important to understand this chart and use it in a mediation to figure out how your various clients deal with conflict. Once you understand how they will deal with conflict, you can work with them to reach a solution.