Trainee Tips

Youth Programs

Anyone who has been around the Center in recent weeks has probably seen the numerous boxes of materials we have stored for the youth program we are doing at the Workforce Development Center. The program, which is being done as part of Norfolk's Learn and Earn program, has been a topic for much discussion and planning as we go through putting together the curriculum and arranging for guest speakers.

One of the more successful days we had was when we taught about constructive criticism, how to give it and get it. In suggesting how to give it, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Face the person and look him/her in the eyes

- Only give criticism about things a person can change

- Explain why you feel the person should change their behavior

- Explain again if you need to

In discussing how to receive constructive criticism, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Listen carefully to the person

- Ask for more information if you do not understand

- Tell your side and then listen to what the other person has to say

The tip to be found in all of this is: when putting together a program like this, make sure to be clear and engaging. The bullets above were put on a handout given to the kids and were explained in concise, straightforward language. While the kids are there to listen and learn, they will not be interested if your talk resembles a lecture at a biology conference. Additionally, the best presentations had activities and prizes for participation included in them. It's like all the people in the communication field say: remember your audience and tailor your presentation for them.

Why do parents ask for sole custody?

It was brought to my attention recently that on the mediation video that we show potential mediation clients at the Center and at local courts and Social Service agencies, there is a scene where a legal professional is saying that usually when one parent files for sole custody of a child they are often just really angry with the other parent and want to punish them. To some extent I believe that is true. Parents often use their children as a pawn in situations of divorce or separation and try to “one up” the other parent.

However, there are often times as well when one parent truly feels that it is in the child’s best interest to be in their sole legal and physical custody. Maybe it is because the other parent has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse or because that parent is inconsistently in and out of the child’s life. I wonder what percentage of parents waste their time and money in court filing for sole custody just to get back at the other parent and what percentage honestly feel that they are protecting their child in some way from the other parent?

Sara Foote

Continuing your studies in Conflict Resolution

There has been a growing trend in the United States (and several other countries) to offer programs that teach Conflict Resolution in concert with Peace and Global Studies. Numerous colleges and Universities are beginning to offer it as a major while several Universities have also developed graduate programs for people who want to study conflict resolution or peace in a graduate program.

Take for example Earlham College's Peace and Global Studies program. It is an undergraduate program that attempts to help students understand the basics of international relations as well as techniques which can be used on both the local and national level to create positive change in the world. Students even get to practice conflict resolution skills in a classroom environment, learning how to accomodate for gender and racial issues as they do so.

Here are some examples of Conflict Resolution and Global Studies programs across the country:

Earlham College - Peace and Global Studies
Lesley University - Conflict Resolution and Peaceable Schools Specialization
School for International Training - Conflict Transformation
Nova Southeastern University - Conflict Analysis and Resolution
University of Denver - Conflict Resolution
Arcadia University - Peace Studies

For a comprehensive list of all programs in Peace Studies Graduate Programs, visit this site.

CMC Staff

Mediator Tips

Work Relationships and the 4-phase model

For various reasons, work relationships can fall apart. More and more, businesses have been hiring mediators to resolve these disputes in order to try and re-develop a good working relationship between the co-workers while also making sure that both sides are satisfied with the outcome.

Mediators who undertake this task have been known to use the 4-phase model (it is very similar to the model taught by the Center). It works like this:

1. In phase one, the disputants tell their story directly to the mediator. At this point, neither has contact with the other. The mediator uses reflective listening to make the party feel heard and tries to elicit the underlying issues.
2. In phase two, the disputants come face to face and listen to one another (hopefully in a respectful way). This is done to start developing a better relationship between the parties by helping each understand the other.
3. In phase three, the mediator summarizes the perspectives. He helps to let the parties realize the new relationship they have built.
4. In phase four, the disputants try to reach a resolution through brainstorming.

Mediator Tips

Parables of Mediation

There are many great stories that illustrate the fundamental principles and value of mediation. One that we tell in our training which reveals the difference between interests and positions is about a librarian who comes across two people bickering about whether or not to have the window open. She asks the first one why he wants the window open, and he says "Because it's hot." She asks the second one why he wants it closed, and he says "To avoid a draft." The librarian thinks for a moment, and then goes into the next room to open the window in there. Returning to the table where the men sit, she says "Now both of your problems have been solved."

Different cultures have developed parables and tales that illustrate other valuable aspects of mediation. I want to share two with you. The first one is about how people who stick to incorrect assumptions in the face of facts often find themselves in trouble. Here it is:

"An old Chinese tale tells of the same advice given by two different men after the wall of his home was damaged by heavy rains. His neighbor advised him to repair the wall quickly in order to protect himself from thieves who might come in the night. He suspected his neighbor’s motives and failed to make the necessary preparations. Later, his son gave him the same warning, whereupon he took the advice but could not complete the job before nightfall. When thieves did come in the night, the rich man continued to suspect his neighbor’s motives but concluded that his son had indeed been smart. "

The second discusses how sticking to assumptions can blind you to the facts. Here it is:

"Another Chinese story tells of a man who lost his axe and insisted that his neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior identified him as the thief. The man subsequently found his axe buried under dirt in his own cellar. And when he next saw his neighbor, there was nothing different about the neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior. "

Not surprisingly, the principles of mediation have been shared by even ancient civilizations.

The more things change, the more the stay the same

Unfortunately, I will be leaving the Community Mediation Center at the end of August to begin the next stage in my career, a Masters program in philosophy at Boston College. I was in Boston last week preparing for my move by trying to line up a job to help pay for my program. When I got up there and started to attend a couple job interviews, I quickly realized that while I won’t be working in the conflict resolution field anymore, I certainly won’t be leaving the skills I learned behind.

A good example of this occurred during my Museum of Science interview. I interviewed a position as a Camp-In Instructor, which called for me to do a short presentation to demonstrate my public speaking skills. I quickly decided to do it on mediation, and I spent the night before the presentation preparing slides and handouts for the audience.

When I got to the interview, I spent a short time discussing my qualifications for the job and answering some questions they had for me. Answering the questions required me to use some of my reflective listening skills as I had to get to the interests behind the questions they asked. For example, when they asked what type of presentation I would do if I received the job, part of what they wanted to know if how I would handle the kids. Instead of only discussing the content of the presentation would put together, I talked about how I would make it interactive and concentrate on trying to get the kids to learn only a few main points. After all, the kids who come to the museum should enjoy their time more than anything else.

Once the first part was over, I did my presentation. I covered the basics of what conflict is, how people use stories to organize their lives, and talked about how to use “I” messaging and reflective listening. I also included some interactive activities to get audience participation.

In the end I think it went well. I won’t hear from them for a while as they have to interview others, but I am thankful that I had my CR skills to help me through the interview.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Bringing Conflict Resolution to Your Everyday Life

As someone who truly takes communication and conflict resolution to heart, I have applied mediation skills in all aspects of my life. Whether it be family, friends, co-workers, school-mates, or strangers – I’m always finding ways to use mediation. I use reflective listening, I-messaging, positions and interests, reality testing, and even agreement writing… without the writing on a regular basis. Because of my commitment to effective communication I find that people want to talk to me more & that makes me happy because I like talking back! Plus, I’ve found that I help bring out the best in people. Now, I’m not saying that I’m awesome or anything because EVEYRONE can bring out the best in people through effective communication. So, that’s the moral of this story – help make people successful by being a sounding board, listening empathetically, seeking to understand their true feelings and needs, stop trying to resolve everything… the list goes on and on. Not only do you help them, you help yourself practice the skills and gain a few friends in the process!

Amanda Burbage

Community Relations Director