It was brought to my attention recently that on the mediation video that we show potential mediation clients at the Center and at local courts and Social Service agencies, there is a scene where a legal professional is saying that usually when one parent files for sole custody of a child they are often just really angry with the other parent and want to punish them. To some extent I believe that is true. Parents often use their children as a pawn in situations of divorce or separation and try to “one up” the other parent. However, there are often times as well when one parent truly feels that it is in the child’s best interest to be in their sole legal and physical custody. Maybe it is because the other parent has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse or because that parent is inconsistently in and out of the child’s life. I wonder what percentage of parents waste their time and money in court filing for sole custody just to get back at the other parent and what percentage honestly feel that they are protecting their child in some way from the other parent?
Sara Foote
4 comments:
Sara, if I had a test to measure someone's true intentions... then I wouldn't be working here! I agree with you, that there are situations where sole custody is appropriate. And, as for the motivations, I imagine they're mixed more often than they're clear cut. It's almost too bad you have to make such important decisions (custody, visitation, support, asset division) when you are angriest at each other. I wonder if mediation isn't biased towards joint custody... isn't that the easiest win-win after all. Wouldn't some mediators call sole custody a position, and maybe even dismiss it, digging for interests seeking the win-win they have in mind?
Where's a crystal ball when you need one?!
That's a good point. I think something important is to look at the interests behind sole custody - and to be open to the possibility that the parents may choose that. I've had parents choose that option in mediation, but it was a decision they came to together after looking at all the options. Played through the what ifs and they were prepared for them. Sometimes one parent just can't give up that control or trust the other parent, and I think its a win-win if they both understand that and make decisions based on that understanding. I mean really its holding the problem up so they can look at it from all angles and understand it that's one of the most important things. If we do that and they still make a decision that we don't think is win-win, who are we to judge that decision?
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