Back to School with Peer Mediation

As summer comes to an end, and students head back to school, let’s look at Peer Mediation as an alternative to Conflict Resolution. Conflict is something that occur everyday, to all people, whether it is good or bad. How one chooses to resolve conflict will determine the outcome. Peer mediation is one solution that students can use to problem solve, and resolve conflicts. Peer mediation is a learned skill that can be used throughout life.

Let’s establish what conflict is. What exactly does the word conflict mean? The Community Mediation Center defines conflict as controversy or disagreement. What are some words that student’s think of when they hear the word conflict? All students have situations that they deal with on a daily basis, but they do not use the word conflict. Conflict is described as a physical fight, a verbal confrontation, an emotional problem, name-calling, cultural bias, discrimination issue, and any disagreement between two or more people; all of which students will experience while in school. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing; it could mean revealing things in order to show there is no problem at all. Peer Mediation allows problems to be identified and bring about change for the good.

Most students do not know how to deal with conflict; their way of resolving conflict is usually through physical or verbal fighting. Though they may get their point across, this is not a solution to the problem. Physical fighting or verbal exchanges only lead to more problems.

Determining how to deal with conflict can be complicated when students are involved; this is when School Administration needs to introduce Peer Mediation. Do to the pressures of student life, which include peers, athletic teams, neighborhoods, race, family, and a number of other factors, students will attempt to resolve conflict based on what they have learned from these influences. Some students do not know how to deal with conflict because they have not been taught correctly. Let us begin to change the disciplinary procedures in the school setting, by starting with Peer Mediation, after all in the adult profession world we are not sent to the boss or sent home (for 10 days) for everything that goes on in the workplace.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth Outreach

Mediator Tips
How to help generate options

Generating options is an important part of the process because of its transformation of participants from a mindset of talking about what happened to them into a mindset of thinking constructively about what to do about the problem. If done correctly, participants will move beyond their initial positions and think about what they can do to help the problem. Below are some tips you can use to make the generating options process a success.

• Use a flipchart to help the parties brainstorm possible solutions. Remember to help them think “outside of the box.”
• Feelings that surface may indicate other concerns that have not been addressed. More storytelling may be needed.
• Manage positional thinking by referring back to their reasons for choosing to mediate. "We've come a long way from the beginning of the session, are you still willing to look for a mutually satisfying solution?”
• Mediators may give "what if" scenarios to do reality testing on suggestions.
• Be willing to accept that not all parties are ready to resolve at the same time.

Mediator Tips
Conflicts of interest

The mediator has a duty to remain free from conflict of interest that could in any way affect the ability of the mediator to conduct a neutral and balanced process. Since it is important that the parties trust the mediator, talking about conflicts of interest- if any- is important for the mediation process.

Among the things a mediator must disclose are any current, past, or possible future representation or relationship with any party or attorney involved in the mediation. Additionally, any financial interests relevant to the mediation must be disclosed. Finally, any and all disclosures should be made as soon as possible after the mediator becomes aware of the interest or relationship.

After appropriate disclosure, the mediator may serve if the parties so desire.

"It takes a community..."

There is an ongoing debate in the field of psychology about the merits of treating an individual without treating the entire family. Is it possible to truly change one person's behavior without also changing his or her community?I believe that, when we teach conflict resolution skills to at-risk youth, we face the same dilemma...During training, these kids show an incredible ability to learn CR skills to resolve issues - they are assertive, caring and inquisitive. However, it is not an easy task for them to translate those skills into behaviors that would work in their community - family, friends, neighbors! Of course we need to keep on teaching these kids how to best deal with conflict without the use of violence, but how wonderful it would be if we also addressed their community!

Andrea C. Palmisano
Youth Program Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles

Here's a useful tool that we use at the Center in our trainings to help people understand the causes and mannerisms of conflict. It is a way of measuring the various ways in which individuals handle conflict, and it categorizes them into 5 different types: competing, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and accomodating. Here are their meanings:

• Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win."
• Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay."
• Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground."
• Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win solution."
• Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield."

People don't fall into only one category, but rather have a grade in each. For example, someone can have a high number in competing and compromising, a middle number in collaborating, and a lot number in accomodating and avoiding.

As a mediator, it is important to understand this chart and use it in a mediation to figure out how your various clients deal with conflict. Once you understand how they will deal with conflict, you can work with them to reach a solution.

What to do When Clients Cry

Recently I had a series of mediations and co-parenting classes in which clients cried. I always feel awkward when that happens. Do I offer a tissue or wait? If I am sympathetic, does the other party think I am being partial? Am I doing something wrong that evokes strong emotion? Not necessarily.

My first encounter with a client who cried occured when I was a mentee. The mom burst into tears. My mentor sat and did nothing. I realized there was no tissue on the table, so I waited, too. There is so much bottled up emotion, that it comes out as part of the mediation process. Mediation is not therapy, but sometimes it feels like therapy. Finally, a person who was with the woman handed her a tissue. She gathered herself and we went forward.

In a co-parenting class, a young woman was talking about being in rehab, and things she was doing to regain custody of her child. One of the requirements was to attend the class. In the middle of her statement, she stopped, and began to weep. I waited, tissue box on my training table. Finally, another parent grabbed a tissue, handed it to the young woman, and said, "You should be proud of what you are doing." Other parents echoed the same thought. The class brought her out of it, not me. The support should come from her peers.

Another mediator told be about a session in which both parents cried, but not at the same time. "Crying is not a sign of weakness," she said. "It's just strong emotion, and once that emotion is released, the clients are ready to move on and talk about their issues."

It's difficult to face a client who is crying and do nothing, because we don't want to appear cold and unsympathic. It's just human nature. But sometimes not taking action is the best thing we can do, because the client must find the strength and composure to get on with the business of a busted relationship. And sometimes it is even harder for us not to also cry. I am tearing up now. Anyone have a tissue?

Chuck Hardwick

Mediation skills are universally applicable

You never know when mediation skills will come in handy. On an almost daily basis in my family I use my reflecting, empathy and good listening skills to try and squash arguments, resolve misunderstandings and clarify information to help make decisions.

I have found that children quickly catch on to using I-messages. For example I told my four-year-old son (who had not put his shoes on after I asked him way too many times) "I feel fustrated when you don't listen to me." Later on he told his brother (who was ignoring him in the car)"I feel fuss-stated when you don't listen to me."

Don't forget your mediation skills in your everyday life. You don't have to save them for the mediation room, they work wonders everywhere.

Sara Foote

The Passion of Conflict Mediation

Conflict Resolution is something that requires passion. Here's what I mean: Growing up in this American culture we are not taught to be effective communicators or good listeners. Usually, our goal is to win and therefore we are considering our own response while others are speaking to us. What a difference it can make to use paraphrasing and reflective listening! However, using these tools is a choice - one that requires a steadfast diligence. It is surprising the number of changes that would occur in this world if we were taught from the start to use reflective listening and I-messaging. Plus, when you "do" conflict resolution people often look to you for answers. If I had a nickel for every time someone said "mediate me," I would be rich! The point here is that once you know and use the skill there is no down time, no time to turn it off. That's why it takes passion - to keep up the pace. Sure, you can set boundaries or opt out of a conversation, but deep down people that know and use conflict resolution and effective communication skills have a duty to change the world. At the Community Mediation Center, staff and volunteers change the world every day. Yes, I get tired, but when I look around at the faces of training participants, or when I read the testimonies of mediation clients, my passion gets refilled.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Assessing a Trainee

Judging a trainee's performance is a significant part of the training process. Trainees know the process of mediation in an academic sense, but only have a very little practical mediation experience through their observations. A trainee needs to start developing their own style, and it is up to the mentor to provide a good critique of their performance and encourage them in what they did well. Think about these questions when giving feedback to your trainee.

Introduction: Did the trainee clearly and thoroughly articulate
their role, explain the process, invite you into the
process and/or adequately explain the consent form?

Storytelling: Did the trainee listen reflectively which would include
non-verbal communication, clearly identify issues and
subsequently paraphrase appropriately?

Options: Did the trainee assist the parties in prioritizing, testing
and evaluating their ideas? Did the trainee make
suggestions without imposing a particular solution?
Did the trainee utilize effective strategies to keep the
parties focused (i.e. flip chart, enforcing ground rules)?

Resolution: Did the trainee assist the parties in framing their
agreements both verbally and in writing? Did the
trainee validate each point of agreement with each
party? Did the trainee incorporate the parties words
and feelings into the written agreement? Did the trainee
review the agreement and remind the clients of their
right to legal counsel before signing?

Effective Public Participation

The Center often gets involved in community projects when they compliment the Center’s mission. When a play about child abuse came through, the Community Mediation Center helped to organize and provide facilitators for a round table discussion about the issues brought up by the play. The Center has also facilitated discussions regarding the effects of Hurricane Katrina.

Currently I am working on a project called Effective Public Participation, a group that is working to increase the ability of individuals in the Hampton Roads community to get involved in the decision making process. Basing our work on the work of groups like America Speaks and Voices and Choices, our group has just finished developing its guiding principles and is looking for feedback.

For those who don’t know, Public Participation is a way of bringing together government leaders, individuals, and interest groups to have a discussion regarding important policy decisions. At every step, from discussion to the developing of a plan that incorporates people’s concerns, everyone is consulted to provide comments and critiques. Tools used by Public Participation groups include Town Hall Meetings, where small groups discuss the issue and present reports back to the larger group, Strategic Planning, where each group will be encouraged to explore their ideas in terms of the utility and practicality, and Citizen Engagement Consulting, where individuals are trained in public participation skills, facilitation, and ways of coaching others.

Our group is still in its infancy, but is working hard to develop a framework specifically tailored to the Hampton Roads community. If you are interested in learning more about this group and reading the principles, click here. After all, the more of the public that participates in this effort, the more effective it will be.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Filling out the evaluation

You’ve mediated a long and difficult case that just can’t find common ground. The case must be sent back to the judge. The clients are edgy and in a hurry to leave. You might even feel guilty about not getting an agreement. Sitting in front of you is the dread, two page Client Evaluation. How can we ask these impatient clients to fill out yet another form? What works for me is, before I leave the mediation room to make copies and notify the court, without missing a beat, to place the evaluation in front of the clients and say “the Supreme Court requires that all parties in mediation complete this evaluation. I hate to give you more paperwork, but this will be carefully read by the Supreme Court and acted on if there are any problems reported”. I then quickly explain how to complete the form, then leave. If someone asks, “do I have too”, I reply “yes” without hesitating. The key is to remember that filling out the evaluation is the necessary next step to the client’s seeing the judge and not an option. Smile, it’s only paperwork. Good luck.

Ken Ferebee

Mediator Tips
How to do a successful introduction

The Introduction part of the mediation is, above all, a way of setting the tone of the mediation and putting the clients at ease. If the clients are still anxious or hostile, it will not be an easy mediation. Here are some of the things that go into a sucessful mediation:

- Introduce youself and the clients– ask them how they would like to be addressed?

- Welcome the clients and thank them for coming.

- Ask whether everyone who is involved in the conflict is here. If not, ask if you should proceed?

- Logistics
- How much time does everyone have?
- Does anyone have time constraints?
- Restrooms; water; coffee
- Paper and pen for parties to take notes
- Take breaks as needed
- If in court – if an agreement is reached, no one will have to go back to court

- Explain Mediation
- The judge referred the mediation to give you an opportunity to try to reach a resolution yourselves
- How is mediation different from court
- An opportunity to communicate in a different way from in the past
- Voluntary
- Confidential, with exceptions
- Self-determination
- Mediators are impartial facilitators
- Mediators do not give legal advice
- Mediation works in a wide variety of casesand has good success rate
- Mediation can help you begin a more constructive process of communication
- Steps of the process
- Consulting attorneys is encouraged if desired

- Screening (in Family Cases)
- Introduce the idea
- Ask who would like to go first
- Screen each individually, and if there are questions about domestic violence, make a decision about how/whether to proceed

- Agreement to Mediate Form
- Give copies to all parties to read
- Summarize or highlight certain areas by paraphrasing
- All parties and mediators to sign form

- Ground Rules
- Sometimes people find it helpful to set guidelines for communication
- Give examples (e.g. one person speak at a time; take breaks when needed)
- Are there any guidelines that would help either of you in this mediation?

If you cover all these bases in a comprehensive manner, making sure that all parties understand what is going on, you will have carried out an effective introduction.

Structure can be Effective

I recently conducted a study based on the work I have done with the Community Mediation Center, my survey was intended to include Community Mediation Center’s questions as well as those calculated by me designed at answering my research questions in an effort to gain an understanding of why peer mediation is not being used in the disciplinary setting. When the survey was given, some of the following comments were made: “no one wants to participate”, “who’s going to be in charge”, and “it will only cause more confusion”.

The survey population consisted of 9th -12th graders located in Norfolk, Virginia, the principal who initiated the program, along with educators; counselors and administrators who participated as observers during training.

This survey was an effort to gain an understanding of students, teachers, counselors, and administrators’ thoughts of a peer mediation program in a school setting. The Findings and Discussion address these questions. “I believe that peer mediation works”; was the first question addressed. Eighty-five percent of the participants believe that peer mediation works, and the participants who did not agree that peer mediation worked based their answers on not enough participation from other students and or staff. However, when asked if they would be willing to learn more about implementing a peer mediation program at their school and participate in a staff or student training the percentage rate dropped.

In an attempt to gain knowledge into how students and administrators felt about peer mediation and the disruption it causes if any to the classroom, I asked the question “I believe that peer mediation would interrupt class time. The difference in the answers was dramatic, with more than 50% of the students replying that they disagreed that it would cause interruption; while more than 50 % of the administrators replying that it would cause interruption.

However, when the question was asked "I believe that peer mediation can work through a structured peer mediation program", more than 75% replied with strongly agreeing. Both students and administrators agree that their school could benefit from a peer mediation program in response to question two.

In connection with the previous question, more than 50% of the participants believe that their school did not have too many students or too many problems in order for peer mediation to work. However, more students believe they could work their problems out through peer mediation while a large percentage of teachers and administrators strongly disagreed.
We frequently think that teachers, administrators, and students exist in completely diverse worlds. Though they all have differences, their opinions are similar in being positive towards peer mediation. A majority of both groups believe in peer mediation; however they believe in order for it to work it must be structured properly. They also noted that peer mediation would be beneficial in their school and should be used as a form of conflict resolution. Undoubtedly, on the other hand, judging from those who responded to the questions on structuring and their role, the majority believes that peer mediation takes dedication and structure from all students, administrators, and teachers; and a majority are willing to participate if everyone is willing to work.

It would seem that because most teachers, administrators, and students all agree that some form of discipline must be used, they would consider peer mediation because it could change the atmosphere of the school. In my opinion I think that a peer mediation program should be instituted into every school setting, so students could gain conflict skills to last them a lifetime. In addition, this would cut down on the suspension rate, keep students in school, and create dialogue.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth & Community Outreach

Mediator Tips
Mentoring a Trainee

Remember your trainees are fresh out of the Basic Conflict Resolution Skills Training Course and they are looking for the model they learned there. If your style diverges from the model taught in the class, be sure to give your trainee a heads up. Let them know if you do not ask which party wants to go first, or if you do not ask the parties to set ground rules. This will help the trainees learn about different styles and also help them avoid confusion during the mediation.

The Status of Mediation in Virginia

Recently, I attended an intensive, day-long training for area mediators on child support and spousal support issues. It was great seeing lots of old friends. Having been involved with mediation since 1993, it makes me feel good that so many folks that I have trained have moved on to become certified mediators. But what really struck me was the number of new, eager faces in the room. It seems that mediation is “alive and well” in Virginia and that the citizens of the state have many capable people to assist them in finding a peaceful resolution to conflict. Whether it is dealing with difficult family situations (such as divorce, custody, visitation or support), sticky landlord-tenant issues, tough neighborhood disputes or confusing business-consumer problems, there are highly qualified and dedicated mediators (many of them volunteers!) ready to help. And that is comforting to know.

Karen Richards

Mediator Tips
The Importance of Practice

Just like riding a bike or learning to swim, mediating takes practice. Some may take to it more quickly than others, but always it requires that one continually keep in shape. That is one reason the Virginia Judicial System requires that mediators be recertified every couple of years, and thus why the Center offers recertification classes on various topics.

The best way to get practice is to try reframing, summarizing, etc. in everyday life. When talking to a friend, instead of trying to think of something to say in response to what they are saying, practice summarizing what they said and how they feel. Use the transformative approach. Thus, if a friend is talking about a run in he or she had with their old barber, say something like "So, I hear that you are happy because you got to connect with someone who you had lost touch with."

Mediation is a fascinating topic with many different aspects and avenues for learning. It is worth studying these avenues and keeping them in practice. You will be a better mediator because of it.

The art of mentoring

No matter if you became a mentor because it was a natural progression, or you just needed the class for recertification credits – you’re a mentor. We teach the parents in our Cooperative Co-Parenting workshops, simply having a child does not make you a good parent… it takes work. The same principle can be applied to being a mentor. Mentoring can be tough, draining, nerve racking. At the same time though, it’s rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting to see new mentee mediators blossom into well rounded and thoroughly thinking conflict resolution service providers.

If you’re a mentor, remember to stick to the basics. Make the mentee feel comfortable by introducing yourself and showing them around the courthouse or Center. Be sure to get to know them, what they want to practice in the session, and what kind of feedback they’ve received before from other mentors. Use your mediation skills to coach the mentee on specific steps you expect to see from them! Yes, mediation skills can be used in and out of the mediation…

Finally, when it’s time for debriefing, keep it positive. Now, I know you’re thinking of the most difficult mentee you ever worked with and are saying to yourself, “How can I keep THAT positive?” Well, it certainly isn’t easy, but you’ve gotten out of tough mediations before & this is no different. Try to say at least one or two good things for ever thing they should change. When you tell your mentee something to change, offer a few suggestions & even model the behavior or example how you would have said it in the mediation room. Lastly, ensure the mentee has the opportunity to give you feedback. This makes the process feel more equitable, plus you’ll get to learn something new about yourself and your mentor style which could potentially lead you to being the best mentor you can be.

Amanda Burbage

Mediator Tips
Identifying Interests

Identifying interests goes a long way towards allowing for a satisfactory resolution to a mediation. Interests are the root reasons why a party or participant wants things in a specific way, but they are not always aware of them or willing to state outright what they are. More often than not, the parties will state their position and attempt to justify it. As a mediator, you should be ready to bring out their interests using specifically tailored questions.

Language that indicates positions are things like this:

• "I have to do X because…."
• "I cannot do X because….."
• "I’m really concerned about…."

To get to the interests, ask questions like:

• "Tell me why you need . . . .?"
• "Could you tell me a little more about your reasons for . . . .?"
• "Help me understand…?"

Learning to build trust

Trust is a very important aspect of mediation. Often times the emphasis on trust is for the mediators to build trust and rapport with the parties. Building this trust enables parties to feel more comfortable with the often new process of mediation. Although this bridge of trust is very significant, it is equally as important for the parties to build trust for the mediators. The lack of trust can frequently lead mediations back to litigation. In one of my first mediation experiences, there was little (if any) trust built between the mediators and the parties. Although the case did not reach an agreement and went on to arbitration, it was a great learning experience. Trust such an important factor in mediation and can easily prevent reaching the ultimate goal and meet the expectation of both mediators and parties in dispute.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Valuing Diversity

Dealing with diversity can be a tricky issue in mediation. While pre-judging and generalizations can be useful tools, when they develop into stereotypes they inhibit one's ability to understand each disputant's interests. The definition of a stereotype is as follows:

Fixed inflexible notions about a group that block the ability to think about people as individuals.

In order to overcme this problem, we all must learn to stand back and listen without putting your own judgement into play. Mediation allows us to “hear” people and not assume they are all coming from the same place. The more comfortable people are learning about others the more empowered they feel, as they don’t feel challenged to change.

Encouraging appreciation of diversity is a good tool to remember, as by recognizing the value of group differences a common ground between disputants can be found.