"Let there be Peace on Earth..."

“Let there be Peace on Earth and let it begin with me” intrigued me the first time I heard it. I wondered how could little ole me promote Peace on Earth?! I certainly could not see myself starting a world wide peace movement, HA!

Certain words or statements defining peace triggered the “ah ha!” response in me. Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, indicates “peace” to be commonly understood to mean the absence of hostilities. The definition goes further to include “freedom from disputes; resolution; non-violence; harmonious relations and the absence of mental stress or anxiety … as the meaning of the word changes with context.”

These descriptions seem to me to be part of the foundation for the process of mediation which offers the service of facilitation to assist others to discuss their conflicts and to agree on ways to resolve them. Even when parties are not able to come up with a resolution, they usually comment that they appreciate the process of attempting to handle their conflict through the process of mediation rather than violence or other types of disruptive behavior.

As I embrace the notion of promoting peace on earth through mediation, each session has an added sense of purpose. It is an opportunity that empowers all involved to promote better human relations by choosing to handle disputes in ways that promote harmony and respect.

I see no world peace movement leader in my future; however, in my own special way as a mediator, I can promote and practice Peace on Earth.

Peace,
Lucretha D. Hyman
Mediator

Mediator Tips
Financial Considerations in Family Mediation

Family mediations will often have to deal with the issue of child support, which means that money will be a factor that comes into play. In order to get a comprehensive view of each person's finances, there are several questions a mediator must get an answer to and several subjects that must be discussed. Examples of both follow:

1. Support Guideline
   a. Income of parents
   b. Health Insurance
   c. Extraordinary medical expenses
   d. Child care expenses
   e. Proportionate shares
   f. Who pays and when?
2. Reduction when child is with other parent?
3. Income Tax exemption: who will take it?
4. Medical care not covered by insurance
   a. Who will decide?
   b. Who will pay and how much?
5. Life insurance - Is the purpose for the policy to cover support in case of death of parent? With current life insurance polices, who is the beneficiary? Who is the owner? What type of policy – term, whole life or universal?
6. College
   a. Expectation of parents
   b. Expectation of children
7. Remember to get Social Security numbers and date of birth for both parents.

There are other questions that will arise as these questions are answered, but making sure that these topics are covered is a first step towards building an understanding of the financial issues involved in the mediation.

Working with Volunteers

We are a Community Mediation Center, which means we use volunteers from the community to do the majority of the interaction with clients. This is great because it allows us to do more than we could with our small staff, and it also allows the community to develop a passion for its own well-being.

The bad part is that volunteers choose when they are able to help, which sometimes means there are holes that have to be filled. As one of the staff persons that works with volunteers, this can be really frustrating. It is hard to strike a balance between respecting a volunteer's time and pressing them to get the job done. I never want to make a volunteer feel guilty for having a life outside of our center; I also never want them to feel underappreciated. At the same time, it is important they recognize that being a volunteer comes with certain obligations, as the Center relies on volunteers to do our work. As we often say, "Volunteers are the heart of the Center."

When volunteers cancel last minute or do not show up for their obligations they leave other volunteers, as well as our clients (which include the courts), in the lurch. It does not make us look good to have to explain to a judge the reason why there was no mediator in court is because our volunteer did not show up, and also to explain why we didn't know in advance. If this were a staff person, there would be a reprimand, but with a volunteer, what reprimand can you give? This person is giving you their precious time- can you really reprimand them for choosing (albeit at the last minute) to not give you their time? It is time freely given.

This scenario, in various forms, happens about 3 times a month, which has led us to evaluate the way we use volunteers and also our volunteer program. We are looking at ways to make our program more effective so that volunteers are not put in a frustrating place, and neither are we. This is a difficult task because we have such an established set of volunteers who may be resistant to change or may feel slighted. It is difficult territory to manage volunteers; however, the payoff for our center and community is usually well worth it. Volunteer management also gives us an opportunity to grow and to hone our communication skills.

Mandy Stallings

Why I work at the CMC

Hello, my name is Benita Stinson and I am a senior at Old Dominion University. I am majoring in Human Service Counseling. Many people wonder why individuals choose majors that do not lend themselves to significant financial gain. I would say, for me, it is the opportunity to help individuals become empowered to lead better, more productive lives and to recognize that they hold the keys to their success. I guess that is my personal informal mission statement and the reason I chose the Community Mediation Center as my internship site. I am really impressed with the work it does in the community, especially for at risk-youth and families who have been displaced.

This summer I had the pleasure of facilitating a peer mediation class for youth participating in the city of Norfolk’s Youth Employment Program. The participants met four hours once a week for the month of July. This was my first experience utilizing the skills I learned in the General Mediation and Peer Mediation classes. I am very pleased to say that thanks to the training I received from the Center, I was well prepared to facilitate this class. The format of the class was very inviting to the participants because it allowed them to build on their natural ability to make great choices, understand and respect others, and learn healthy ways to deal with conflict instead of using violence. It was a valuable opportunity for me to use the knowledge I obtained from the center and my academics to help others. It also allowed me to observe how youth responses to conflict can change immensely when they implement conflict resolution skills as their primary strategies.

The students not only walked away with the power to be productive community members, but also with the tools to craft a great future for themselves!

Benita Stinson
Intern

Mediator Tips
Helpful Phrases in Mediation

Do you ever feel stuck in a mediation, like you don't know what words to use to summarize what the client is saying? It can happen to anyone; the important thing is to not let it unnerve you. Most likely, if you wait a minute, something will come to you to ask. However, it can be helpful to know certain phrases that can come in handy during a mediation. Below are several examples:

• “What I understand you both to be saying is…..”
• “Maybe the two of you could discuss …”
• “what do you want to do about this?”
• “Both of your concerns…”
• “I hear you want… What are some of your choices now?”
• “Have you thought about, or have you talked about…”

There are certainly many more than this. Build your own list of phrases that you can rely on in a mediation.

Mediator Tips
Preparing for a Mediation

It is important that you talk with your co-mediator about how you are going to do the mediation. For example, you should divide up the introduction; each person should have several sections. Next, figure out who is going to take the lead first in the generating options part. That is, who is going to ask the first question and which mediatee is it going to be directed to.

Different mediators have different styles of mediating. Make sure you discuss how you mediate with your partner beforehand so that you can create a collaborative approach that allows both of you to function at your best without stepping on each others' toes.

Also, the setup of the room is important. You should know how many mediatees you have ahead of time and should place the chairs in such a way that the parties, who may be quite hostile towards one another, are not in adversarial positions, but are facing the mediators (although they should not be turned away from each other either).

The more communication there is between you and your co-mediator, the better the mediation will go.

My name is Heather and this is my first blog. As the new Youth Program Coordinator, I was asked to submit a little something to the company website. I have been trying to come up with a few wise words for your reading pleasure, oh…the pressure!

I’m currently a senior at Old Dominion University under the Human Services curriculum with a special focus on children. A lot of people associate “Human Services” with “Human Resources”, there is a huge difference. Under the Human Services program I have focused on courses in Counseling, Sociology, Child Welfare, Grant Writing, and Communication. I love serving the community and I’m grateful for the opportunity to work with an agency that has such an ethical and impeccable reputation.

I have been away from the typical office setting for about three years and was a little nervous about the comeback. Although I consider myself a Rookie at the CMC, I already feel at ease. A CMC staffer is consistently available to answer questions, address issues and listen to suggestions. I’m eager to learn everything I can about the center, its’ team, the programs we offer, and the people we serve.

Thank You!

Heather M. Mathews (with one t)
Youth Programs Coordinator

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Mediator Tips
Writing the Resolution

Hopefully, your mediation will end with a resolution. However, to keep the parties from returning, a good resolution must be several things. First, it should be simple so that all parties can easily understand what it says. Second, it should be specific as to who does what and when they do it. Ambiguity can lead to more disagreements. Third, it must be balanced so that everyone is doing something. Fourth, there should be a universal consensus about the agreement; that is, everyone must agree to all parts of it. Finally, it needs to be practical. If an agreement asks the near impossible, it is unlikely that the parties will be able to hold to it and will slide back into conflict. Make sure to ask them if they feel they can do what they've agreed to.

Here are some helpful tips for writing a resolution:

• Offer an opening statement to frame the agreement but leave it up to them if they wish to use it or not.
• Use the parties’ names in the agreement and identify their relationship, i.e. John and Mary have a landlord-tenant relationship. Alternate names throughout the agreement.
• Use the parties’ own words as much as possible. Don’t add issues that they did not discuss in session.
• Add in any positive emotions from the session but don’t make any up. If there weren’t any “warm and fuzzies”, don’t add any.
• Avoid ambiguous terms such as "reasonable" or "soon" and don’t use any legal terminology, unless directed to and/or under the guidance of a court.

Back to School with Peer Mediation

As summer comes to an end, and students head back to school, let’s look at Peer Mediation as an alternative to Conflict Resolution. Conflict is something that occur everyday, to all people, whether it is good or bad. How one chooses to resolve conflict will determine the outcome. Peer mediation is one solution that students can use to problem solve, and resolve conflicts. Peer mediation is a learned skill that can be used throughout life.

Let’s establish what conflict is. What exactly does the word conflict mean? The Community Mediation Center defines conflict as controversy or disagreement. What are some words that student’s think of when they hear the word conflict? All students have situations that they deal with on a daily basis, but they do not use the word conflict. Conflict is described as a physical fight, a verbal confrontation, an emotional problem, name-calling, cultural bias, discrimination issue, and any disagreement between two or more people; all of which students will experience while in school. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing; it could mean revealing things in order to show there is no problem at all. Peer Mediation allows problems to be identified and bring about change for the good.

Most students do not know how to deal with conflict; their way of resolving conflict is usually through physical or verbal fighting. Though they may get their point across, this is not a solution to the problem. Physical fighting or verbal exchanges only lead to more problems.

Determining how to deal with conflict can be complicated when students are involved; this is when School Administration needs to introduce Peer Mediation. Do to the pressures of student life, which include peers, athletic teams, neighborhoods, race, family, and a number of other factors, students will attempt to resolve conflict based on what they have learned from these influences. Some students do not know how to deal with conflict because they have not been taught correctly. Let us begin to change the disciplinary procedures in the school setting, by starting with Peer Mediation, after all in the adult profession world we are not sent to the boss or sent home (for 10 days) for everything that goes on in the workplace.

Michele Riddick Battle
Youth Outreach

Mediator Tips
How to help generate options

Generating options is an important part of the process because of its transformation of participants from a mindset of talking about what happened to them into a mindset of thinking constructively about what to do about the problem. If done correctly, participants will move beyond their initial positions and think about what they can do to help the problem. Below are some tips you can use to make the generating options process a success.

• Use a flipchart to help the parties brainstorm possible solutions. Remember to help them think “outside of the box.”
• Feelings that surface may indicate other concerns that have not been addressed. More storytelling may be needed.
• Manage positional thinking by referring back to their reasons for choosing to mediate. "We've come a long way from the beginning of the session, are you still willing to look for a mutually satisfying solution?”
• Mediators may give "what if" scenarios to do reality testing on suggestions.
• Be willing to accept that not all parties are ready to resolve at the same time.

Mediator Tips
Conflicts of interest

The mediator has a duty to remain free from conflict of interest that could in any way affect the ability of the mediator to conduct a neutral and balanced process. Since it is important that the parties trust the mediator, talking about conflicts of interest- if any- is important for the mediation process.

Among the things a mediator must disclose are any current, past, or possible future representation or relationship with any party or attorney involved in the mediation. Additionally, any financial interests relevant to the mediation must be disclosed. Finally, any and all disclosures should be made as soon as possible after the mediator becomes aware of the interest or relationship.

After appropriate disclosure, the mediator may serve if the parties so desire.

"It takes a community..."

There is an ongoing debate in the field of psychology about the merits of treating an individual without treating the entire family. Is it possible to truly change one person's behavior without also changing his or her community?I believe that, when we teach conflict resolution skills to at-risk youth, we face the same dilemma...During training, these kids show an incredible ability to learn CR skills to resolve issues - they are assertive, caring and inquisitive. However, it is not an easy task for them to translate those skills into behaviors that would work in their community - family, friends, neighbors! Of course we need to keep on teaching these kids how to best deal with conflict without the use of violence, but how wonderful it would be if we also addressed their community!

Andrea C. Palmisano
Youth Program Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles

Here's a useful tool that we use at the Center in our trainings to help people understand the causes and mannerisms of conflict. It is a way of measuring the various ways in which individuals handle conflict, and it categorizes them into 5 different types: competing, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and accomodating. Here are their meanings:

• Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win."
• Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay."
• Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground."
• Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win solution."
• Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield."

People don't fall into only one category, but rather have a grade in each. For example, someone can have a high number in competing and compromising, a middle number in collaborating, and a lot number in accomodating and avoiding.

As a mediator, it is important to understand this chart and use it in a mediation to figure out how your various clients deal with conflict. Once you understand how they will deal with conflict, you can work with them to reach a solution.

What to do When Clients Cry

Recently I had a series of mediations and co-parenting classes in which clients cried. I always feel awkward when that happens. Do I offer a tissue or wait? If I am sympathetic, does the other party think I am being partial? Am I doing something wrong that evokes strong emotion? Not necessarily.

My first encounter with a client who cried occured when I was a mentee. The mom burst into tears. My mentor sat and did nothing. I realized there was no tissue on the table, so I waited, too. There is so much bottled up emotion, that it comes out as part of the mediation process. Mediation is not therapy, but sometimes it feels like therapy. Finally, a person who was with the woman handed her a tissue. She gathered herself and we went forward.

In a co-parenting class, a young woman was talking about being in rehab, and things she was doing to regain custody of her child. One of the requirements was to attend the class. In the middle of her statement, she stopped, and began to weep. I waited, tissue box on my training table. Finally, another parent grabbed a tissue, handed it to the young woman, and said, "You should be proud of what you are doing." Other parents echoed the same thought. The class brought her out of it, not me. The support should come from her peers.

Another mediator told be about a session in which both parents cried, but not at the same time. "Crying is not a sign of weakness," she said. "It's just strong emotion, and once that emotion is released, the clients are ready to move on and talk about their issues."

It's difficult to face a client who is crying and do nothing, because we don't want to appear cold and unsympathic. It's just human nature. But sometimes not taking action is the best thing we can do, because the client must find the strength and composure to get on with the business of a busted relationship. And sometimes it is even harder for us not to also cry. I am tearing up now. Anyone have a tissue?

Chuck Hardwick

Mediation skills are universally applicable

You never know when mediation skills will come in handy. On an almost daily basis in my family I use my reflecting, empathy and good listening skills to try and squash arguments, resolve misunderstandings and clarify information to help make decisions.

I have found that children quickly catch on to using I-messages. For example I told my four-year-old son (who had not put his shoes on after I asked him way too many times) "I feel fustrated when you don't listen to me." Later on he told his brother (who was ignoring him in the car)"I feel fuss-stated when you don't listen to me."

Don't forget your mediation skills in your everyday life. You don't have to save them for the mediation room, they work wonders everywhere.

Sara Foote

The Passion of Conflict Mediation

Conflict Resolution is something that requires passion. Here's what I mean: Growing up in this American culture we are not taught to be effective communicators or good listeners. Usually, our goal is to win and therefore we are considering our own response while others are speaking to us. What a difference it can make to use paraphrasing and reflective listening! However, using these tools is a choice - one that requires a steadfast diligence. It is surprising the number of changes that would occur in this world if we were taught from the start to use reflective listening and I-messaging. Plus, when you "do" conflict resolution people often look to you for answers. If I had a nickel for every time someone said "mediate me," I would be rich! The point here is that once you know and use the skill there is no down time, no time to turn it off. That's why it takes passion - to keep up the pace. Sure, you can set boundaries or opt out of a conversation, but deep down people that know and use conflict resolution and effective communication skills have a duty to change the world. At the Community Mediation Center, staff and volunteers change the world every day. Yes, I get tired, but when I look around at the faces of training participants, or when I read the testimonies of mediation clients, my passion gets refilled.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Assessing a Trainee

Judging a trainee's performance is a significant part of the training process. Trainees know the process of mediation in an academic sense, but only have a very little practical mediation experience through their observations. A trainee needs to start developing their own style, and it is up to the mentor to provide a good critique of their performance and encourage them in what they did well. Think about these questions when giving feedback to your trainee.

Introduction: Did the trainee clearly and thoroughly articulate
their role, explain the process, invite you into the
process and/or adequately explain the consent form?

Storytelling: Did the trainee listen reflectively which would include
non-verbal communication, clearly identify issues and
subsequently paraphrase appropriately?

Options: Did the trainee assist the parties in prioritizing, testing
and evaluating their ideas? Did the trainee make
suggestions without imposing a particular solution?
Did the trainee utilize effective strategies to keep the
parties focused (i.e. flip chart, enforcing ground rules)?

Resolution: Did the trainee assist the parties in framing their
agreements both verbally and in writing? Did the
trainee validate each point of agreement with each
party? Did the trainee incorporate the parties words
and feelings into the written agreement? Did the trainee
review the agreement and remind the clients of their
right to legal counsel before signing?

Effective Public Participation

The Center often gets involved in community projects when they compliment the Center’s mission. When a play about child abuse came through, the Community Mediation Center helped to organize and provide facilitators for a round table discussion about the issues brought up by the play. The Center has also facilitated discussions regarding the effects of Hurricane Katrina.

Currently I am working on a project called Effective Public Participation, a group that is working to increase the ability of individuals in the Hampton Roads community to get involved in the decision making process. Basing our work on the work of groups like America Speaks and Voices and Choices, our group has just finished developing its guiding principles and is looking for feedback.

For those who don’t know, Public Participation is a way of bringing together government leaders, individuals, and interest groups to have a discussion regarding important policy decisions. At every step, from discussion to the developing of a plan that incorporates people’s concerns, everyone is consulted to provide comments and critiques. Tools used by Public Participation groups include Town Hall Meetings, where small groups discuss the issue and present reports back to the larger group, Strategic Planning, where each group will be encouraged to explore their ideas in terms of the utility and practicality, and Citizen Engagement Consulting, where individuals are trained in public participation skills, facilitation, and ways of coaching others.

Our group is still in its infancy, but is working hard to develop a framework specifically tailored to the Hampton Roads community. If you are interested in learning more about this group and reading the principles, click here. After all, the more of the public that participates in this effort, the more effective it will be.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Filling out the evaluation

You’ve mediated a long and difficult case that just can’t find common ground. The case must be sent back to the judge. The clients are edgy and in a hurry to leave. You might even feel guilty about not getting an agreement. Sitting in front of you is the dread, two page Client Evaluation. How can we ask these impatient clients to fill out yet another form? What works for me is, before I leave the mediation room to make copies and notify the court, without missing a beat, to place the evaluation in front of the clients and say “the Supreme Court requires that all parties in mediation complete this evaluation. I hate to give you more paperwork, but this will be carefully read by the Supreme Court and acted on if there are any problems reported”. I then quickly explain how to complete the form, then leave. If someone asks, “do I have too”, I reply “yes” without hesitating. The key is to remember that filling out the evaluation is the necessary next step to the client’s seeing the judge and not an option. Smile, it’s only paperwork. Good luck.

Ken Ferebee

Mediator Tips
How to do a successful introduction

The Introduction part of the mediation is, above all, a way of setting the tone of the mediation and putting the clients at ease. If the clients are still anxious or hostile, it will not be an easy mediation. Here are some of the things that go into a sucessful mediation:

- Introduce youself and the clients– ask them how they would like to be addressed?

- Welcome the clients and thank them for coming.

- Ask whether everyone who is involved in the conflict is here. If not, ask if you should proceed?

- Logistics
- How much time does everyone have?
- Does anyone have time constraints?
- Restrooms; water; coffee
- Paper and pen for parties to take notes
- Take breaks as needed
- If in court – if an agreement is reached, no one will have to go back to court

- Explain Mediation
- The judge referred the mediation to give you an opportunity to try to reach a resolution yourselves
- How is mediation different from court
- An opportunity to communicate in a different way from in the past
- Voluntary
- Confidential, with exceptions
- Self-determination
- Mediators are impartial facilitators
- Mediators do not give legal advice
- Mediation works in a wide variety of casesand has good success rate
- Mediation can help you begin a more constructive process of communication
- Steps of the process
- Consulting attorneys is encouraged if desired

- Screening (in Family Cases)
- Introduce the idea
- Ask who would like to go first
- Screen each individually, and if there are questions about domestic violence, make a decision about how/whether to proceed

- Agreement to Mediate Form
- Give copies to all parties to read
- Summarize or highlight certain areas by paraphrasing
- All parties and mediators to sign form

- Ground Rules
- Sometimes people find it helpful to set guidelines for communication
- Give examples (e.g. one person speak at a time; take breaks when needed)
- Are there any guidelines that would help either of you in this mediation?

If you cover all these bases in a comprehensive manner, making sure that all parties understand what is going on, you will have carried out an effective introduction.