It was never my goal to be a mediator.

Before I came to the Center, I wasn't aware of mediation and how it worked. Many years ago, when I was going through my separation process, a friend who also was going through it, chose to mediate. And yes, I asked, "Mediation? What's that?" The idea was so new it made the local news when they tried it. They used mediation to resolve some of the more emotional issues, like who got the house and kids. Once they resolved those issues, they were able to work on a lot of details, hire one lawyer and file the paperwork.

My friend said it was a good alternative to the traditional lawyer fight and suggested we try it.

I asked my wife about using mediation for us. She thought about it for a couple of days and then replied, "I'm afraid the mediator will take your side. I'm getting a lawyer." And so we did it the expensive way.

There was so much we did not know about this process called mediation. She wanted an advocate, someone who would fight for her. So here I am, 20 years later, mediating couples who have separated, resolving issues of custody, visitation, support and dividing up the property and debts among people who once loved one another. I wonder if my ex- knows what I do here? I haven't told her because we've talked only once in 20 years. Life is full of little ironies.

Chuck Hardwick

Last week I had the privilege of teaching a class for people who are interested in becoming mediators in Virginia. I love teaching because it gives me the chance to confirm what I know. I mean, there’s no better way to solidify information for yourself than to try and explain it to someone else!

Plus, in each workshop there is a dialogue about mediation that feels so fresh. It is invigorating to hear new mediators process through ethical issues, practical challenges, stylistic differences and so much more. It never fails – that at least one person in the class will ask a question that I’ve never thought of… and I love it!

I wish the best of luck to the mediators in training that just finished. For you mediators that have been in the game for a while… I hope you’re as luck as me to have the chance to ride the coat-tails of their enthusiasm!

-Amanda Burbage

I have been working as an intern for the Community Mediation Center for just over a month now. So far, it has been quite a pleasurable experience to be working with such a fine group of people. My coworkers are very friendly, and I am truly excited about my job. I am especially eager to be getting involved with the Summer Youth Program.

Although I have gained knowledge about the mediation process by taking a mediation course at James Madison University, (Go Dukes!!!), this internship has taught me a plethora of skills that could never be learned in a classroom.

By setting up appointments with clients I have definitely learned the art of patience. It never really occurred to me how much hard work was required to arrange schedules that would be suitable for all the parties. Perseverance was also a lesson that was learned from the appointment making process, because very rarely were all parties able to meet at the same time.

In terms of my overall involvement with the Summer Youth Program, I have gained a better understanding of strategic planning; mainly because I have helped in choosing the new material that will be put in the program manuals. I have also learned how to plan group activities as well. The process of brainstorming ideas for these activities has also helped my creativity, because I am forced to think outside the box.

Most of all, however, I believe that the most important thing I have learned from the internship at the Community Mediation Center is how to resolve conflicts more quickly and effectively. Although I have not yet observed a mediation session, this skill has been improved during the course of my internship because I have listened to how my coworkers handle communicating with their clients on the telephone. They always seem to ask very key questions to their clients in order to quickly and effectively resolve the conflict.

I am sure that there will be a wide variety of other skills that will be taught to me during the rest of my time as an intern for the Community Mediation Center, but I just feel blessed to be a part of such a great organization.

-Denver Sicay

Remembering Ken Ferebee


A celebration of the life of Ken Ferebee will be hosted by his family from 4 to 6:30 p.m., Sunday June 8 in Virginia Beach. The address for this very casual event is 5707Oceanfront Avenue. As part of the event, Ken's ashes will be scattered on the beach. I'll be there.

Ken was a volunteer mediator for the Center from 2002 until his death in January 20. His work contributed to the growth of the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program from less that 50 cases a year to over 300 per year. He also was a mentor and contributed to the certification of many new mediators.

Although Ken and I neither worked nor trained together, his death greatly upset me. We did not socialize outside the Center, except for an occasional manly-man lunch. He mediated mostly in court, while I mediated mostly at the Center. Then I began to think about the things we had in common. We were both fathers. We were both divorced. We were both sucked into the military during the Vietnam War. Neither of us saw combat. Although I was a few years older than Ken, we shared the same musical memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television programs and the summers before air conditioning. He had a great sense of humor, laced with sarcasm and wit. His one-liners and zingers were so creative, I laughed even when I was zinged. And he was a great curser, especially when working with a balky printer.

Although we were just work colleagues, I still remember the details of our conversations, the dapper way he dressed, the grey in his hair and beard and that wonderful radio voice, booming obscenities at malfunctioning equipment. From time to time, I meet a mediator Ken helped train and the mediator always talks about how organized and thorough Ken was in his work. The mediator world is still touched by him. And I miss him.

So long, Ken.


Chuck Hardwick

There was a thunderstorm in Prague, Czech Republic, on Sunday. No, I didn’t get this information from the Weather Channel or online. I heard it through the telephone. My son is studying abroad this summer in the Czech Republic and we were talking on the phone when the storm came up. A loud crash of thunder rolled through the airwaves and then, I heard it. Big, fat raindrops plinking on the window and the roof – in Prague, more than 4,300 miles from Virginia Beach! It was as if I was standing right there. So cool! Technology is amazing.

But what is even more amazing to me was that I was able to talk to him, hear his voice. While technology has opened up so many forms of electronic communication –“texting”, email, facebook, chat groups – nothing, for me, takes the place of talking to a person directly. We can hear a smile in their voice, sadness, excitement, or fear. And when we can’t hear a voice, such as with written and/or e-communications – we humans tend to put a “voice” in our heads to the words we read and that “voice” might be leading us to a misunderstanding and conflict.

People-to-people, human-to-human communications are so important and rare in our “online” society. But people crave this kind of communication; this human contact.

So don’t always rely on electronic communications. Pick up the phone and talk to someone. You might hear a rainstorm half way round the world.

-Karen Richards

Breaking Down the Walls in a Juvenile Detention Center with a Writing Workshop

The teens in orange jump suits glare at me as I enter the unit of the lock-down juvenile detention facility. The girls wear their hair pulled back with rubber bands. I cringe when I see the rubber bands. They are the same type of rubber bands that I wrap around the pages of my novel in progress and they are in the girl's hair. Personal hygiene and generic toiletries sit on the window ledge. The unit smells like cleaning antiseptic and laundry detergent. I chew hard on my gum and try not to inhale too deeply.

Twelve pairs of eyes glare at me.

Distrustful.

Angry.

Hostile.

The girl's dare me.

"You can't work with me.

I am bad.

I am a criminal."

I pull out my collection of poetry books.

The routine is the same every Monday when I arrive to facilitate the poetry workshop.

The girls are released from their cells as I enter the unit. They sit in black plastic seats at the tables that weigh a hundred pounds each so no one can pick them up and throw them.

I quickly go through the three rules. "Write from the heart," I say. "Write honestly. No sex. No violence. And no profanity."

I try to ignore the glares coming at me. I know the magic that will happen in the next hour, and how the glares will turn to tears and smiles. But, even so, it's never comfortable in the first ten minutes as twelve teenage girls glare at me.

I begin by sharing with the girls two poetry collections written by youth previously at the detention center. The poetry has been selected from the workshop and then published by the Miller Trust Art Exhibit Program in small books which are distributed to the community and the youth at the detention center.

I read:

In the eyes of my Mother,

I am a failure.

I am a juvenile punk

In the eyes of my Mother

I am a low-life punk.

I am not the son she knew.

I want to change

In the eyes of my Mother.

By the time the girls hear two or three poems, most of them are no longer glaring, and they are ready to write their experiences. However, there is always one girl who continues to resist. "I don't write poetry," she says.

"It doesn't have to rhyme. Just write from the heart. Write your experience." I say.

"I don't spell good,"

"Don't worry about the spelling. Just get the heart out there on paper. Your experience."

"I'm not a writer."

I listen to the girl's resistant words, and I hear what this locked up teen's heart is saying.

"I don't have anything to say."

"I'm not worth anything."

"Don't care about me."

"It's too risky to put myself on paper."

"I will not be vulnerable."

"You can do it." I encourage her.


After a few minutes, I look up and see her pencil moving across her paper.

The girls write and it is silent except for the occasional, "What rhymes with?" or "How do you spell?"

At the end of the hour, it's time for sharing the poems.

Some turn red as they read, others joke and laugh before reading, others tell us how bad their poetry is before reading stunning words of pain and loss.

Then, it is time for the girl who didn't want to write

"It's not very good," she says.

I wait.

"Do I have to?"

I nod.

The girl clears her throat. She shifts. And then she reads,

I am from nothing.

A hole in the wall.

An unnoticed fly on the ceiling.

I am from nothing

But I will not BE nothing.

My breath catches.

The magic of the writing workshop has taken hold. The pain is in the poem. The glare is gone.

When she is done, the girl asks me, "You coming back next week?"

"I'll be here," I say.

"So will I," she says. "I got thirty days."



Mindy Hardwick is a writer who runs a volunteer poetry workshop at Denney Juvenile Justice Center in Everett, Washington. She is the daughter of Chuck Hardwick, a mediator with Community Mediation Center. You can learn more about Mindy at her blog www.mindyhardwick.wordpress.com

Youth Savor New Found Secret


They just seem to open up. Whenever a teenager gets involved in peer mediation, this is what occurs. Remarkably, the troubles that many of them face (or have faced) gain new light. Perspective graces their newly acquired intellect. They think, “if I knew how to do this back then”. They are learning something, that few do and they wholeheartedly accept the privilege.

What they learn is to resolve conflict, peacefully. Among each other and in themselves. This method, this technique, this secret, is for them only. Or at least, that is what they take from it. They understand its benefits and take pride in their new found knowledge. Suddenly, they are in a leadership role, with the opportunity to create real change in people’s lives. They relish it.

To them it is a mixture of coordinating linguistic balance, strategy, emotion and attitude. A modern day Rubix Cube. They take on the role of attorney, guidance counselor and friend. They wear many hats. Mediation, to them, is like a riddle or a puzzle. Solve it and you have a better way of dealing with things. You’ve changed someone. You’ve made a difference. Peer mediators tackle these difficult problems with the sort of youthful enthusiasm that only a high-schooler has.

Having observed dozens of students become certified in peer mediation, it is apparent their willingness to inspire a change in the system. They know, better than anyone else, the dull effects of in-school suspension, or the hostility that lurks in their school’s hallways. They know better than anyone that racism, sexism and more “isms” cause all sorts of misunderstandings within their school’s walls. They understand that gangs are in fact, very real and not just something in D.C. or Los Angeles.

They live with these difficulties everyday, they understand well why some students lash out and others do not. They know about the attitudes, the lifestyles and all the other behind-the-scene details that have brought their peers to a point where conflict is the final outcome. They come to our trainings thinking that they can change all this and it is inspiring.

More than anyone, they understand that there is a need for something more. They see it all and they live it everyday. Something to prevent, react and intervene. To them, this is the power of peer mediation. It is the solution they’ve been waiting for.

-Jason Clevenger

Mediation skills come in handy in so many situations. Recently my Nana died and family came from far and wide to be with her in her final days and more family and friends came for the funeral and more after that. You would assume this would be a time of family supporting family and everyone pitching in to help. Well as it turns out, stress and grief cause emotions and reactions to run high. There was a lot of gossiping and talking behind people’s backs. There was arguing about what was best for Nana. Everyone thought they were an expert and were going to make sure that what they thought should happen happened. As it turned out Nana’s four daughters needed a mediator! I found myself running back and forth between the four of them trying to clarify their positions and restate that position to the others. Everyone’s underlying interest was the same…what was best for Nana.


Well Nana died peacefully at the end of March and then the real drama began…who got what! People were sneaking around taking this and that, trying not to cause a conflict but wanting to hold on to a little piece of Nana. No one really got upset about what anyone else wanted to have except when one of my aunt’s asked where Nana’s wedding rings were. One sneaky family member had quietly taken them and only a few people knew but no one was talking. We will really need a mediator if the aunt finds out where they really are. I’m just glad nobody looked for Nana’s special ice cream scoop…because it’s in my kitchen drawer!

-Sara Foote

There was a song of my youth that included the line, “Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 65?” Okay, so the age was 64 in this song. But hey, I’m officially old and I’m a writer so I can make up stuff. When I was younger and heard songs about love and aging, I thought I would never be that old.

So here I am at 65. Who’d of thunk it? This year I enter the federal maze known as Medicare. Next year, I start drawing Social Security. Maybe I’ll be able to afford a car with a working air conditioner. I’ll still work, cuz I can’t imagine myself just sitting around, doing nothing.

I’ve been roaming this planet for six and a half decades now, and I wonder where the time has gone. I’m relatively healthy. And I feel as good as my hip allows. But I get all the senior discounts at stores without being carded, so I must look like a senior. Funny, it feels more like middle age to me. I come from genetic stock that includes a long life, so I figure I have a couple more good decades left.

It’s a time of reflection for me; about the wonderful times and the awful times, about the good and bad decisions I have made in my life, about the people in my life who are no longer here and about where I am now and the direction I will go in the near future.

In the 60s, when I was in my 20s, I finished my education, was drafted into the military and got married. A lot of changes went on in that decade and ended with my wife carrying our first child.

In my 30s, I started a family and added a second child, bought my first house and built my career as a journalist.

The 80s brought tumultuous changes. We had a third child and I stayed home with her as a Mr. Mom, long before the movie. I had an opportunity to work for myself, and took it, making more money than working for other people. It was the decade of my divorce, and, in my 40s, of falling in love again.

The 90s began tragically with the death of my girlfriend’s child. His dying process ended our relationship and not only broke my heart, but also my spirit. So I returned to my mother’s house in Norfolk, a quivering emotional mess. I thought I would need about six months of walking the beach and sorting out my emotions, then return to the Midwest. That was 15 years ago.

In my 50s, I worked restaurants and learned it was hard work, but I was enjoying life again. That career ended when my hip fell off and for a year after the surgery, I did not work. The Senior Services job program placed me at something called the Dispute Settlement Center. One of the first questions I asked was, “Mediation? What’s that?” And look at me now. As a mediator and a parent educator, I offer help to those going through a painful period of their lives.

Today, when I stand before the Saturday morning parenting class I see the pain, anger and frustration in the faces of these parents. When they ask if things will get better, my answer is “Been there. Done that. Trust me, you will recover, but it will take time and hard work.” Many probably don’t believe me, but if they let go of the past, the future will get better.

Those classes have brought me some wonderful moments, and some sad ones. One year, a participant sent me a Christmas card, noting that she had a lot of fun in the parenting class. You’re not supposed to have fun in the parenting class, but I try to make it as informal as possible and use humor to illustrate certain points. I will never forget the pain expressed on a young parent’s face. He was ordered into the class after filing a motion to amend his child support because his son had died. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to. His expression and body language said it all.

I prefer mediating Family cases to ones involving General District Court. The Family cases can be a lot more emotionally complex and at times I want to tell the parents that this is not about them; it’s about their children. I also understand the upheaval they and their children are experiencing and I know it is a very difficult time for everyone, but especially the children. As a mediator, I am neutral, but I can still be an advocate for children by nudging the discussion toward what’s best for them.

So my life experiences come into play in subtle ways. I don’t always realize it until later, when I’m reflecting on a case or a parenting class or even remembering some event in my past and relating it to what I’m doing now.

Nearly six years ago, I did not know what mediation was. And now I am a mediator. Life takes odd twists.

-Chuck Hardwick

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said, “mediation – what’s that?” If I did have those dollars, I could afford a TV spot during the superbowl, and then everyone would know!

The funny thing is that after I explain mediation (as a process where people work through disagreement towards joint resolution with the help of a neutral facilitator) the reaction is usually one of “oh yeah”. I don’t think they say “oh yeah” as if they just forgot the meaning of the word. It sounds more like an “aha” disguised as an “oh yeah”. In other words, after I explain mediation, it makes so much sense to them it’s as if they finally heard the word that describes something they intuitively already knew. Mediation is the type of dispute resolution process that people want; it’s what they strive for even before they seek out third party assistance.

Mediation makes sense – to the mind and to the heart. So, even though I still wish I had those dollars, I’m very happy to help people discover a dispute resolution process that strikes a chord.

-Amanda Burbage

Just like laughter has no calories, Mediation has no judge. Not to say that judges are bad individuals, but some of them tend to make decisions that are not in the best interest of the people involved, especially when it comes to families. I have been helping out with the Co-Parenting class here at the center for a few months now, and a little while back a parent said something that I will never forget.

She was in the process of reviewing a visitation agreement because her daughter is getting older. We all know that as we grow older more things change in our daily lifestyle and routines. The daughter had the typical child custody arrangements: Monday-Thursday with mom, and Friday-Sunday every other weekend with dad.

Well, the child asked her mom to update their agreement because the dad wasn’t willing to bend on the arrangement to allow for the daughter’s extracurricular activities. The child made a valid point when she told her parents that, “I am not a piece of furniture that you can just pick up and move whenever you want.”

That statement is why I believe judges do not always make the best decisions when it comes to families because they don’t intimately know the family or child involved in the case. They only know them on paper and as a docket number, which is why mediation is so important when it comes to resolving family disputes. Often, judges must make decisions quickly with a limited amount of information. Consequently, significant non-legal factors may not be considered in the judgment, like extracurricular activities. In mediation, the parties collaborate in reaching an agreement that satisfies everyone’s needs and concerns.

Mediation allows everyone’s voice to be heard. I am sure if the family in this particular case sat down together in mediation, the father would be able to see that it is not about him or the mother, but about what is in the best interest of the child.

-Veronica Hill

Well, it has been one year since I started at the CMC and what a year! There are so many amazing things that happen at the center that unless you are here every day, you might not see. Did you know that the CMC does conflict management presentations for all types of organizations and groups for free? This past year, the CMC has talked to professional organizations, civic groups, schools, neighborhood leagues and even university resident Assistants.

Did you know that the CMC works with youth in gangs helping them to transition out of this lifestyle? The CMC even works with these same youth and their parents to restore peace within the family unit.

Did you know that no one is ever turned away from mediation because of their inability to pay? The CMC offers pricing affordable to everyone. The CMC believes in the power of mediation and knows that everyone can benefit from the process.

How about the Peer Mediation Programs in schools? Did you know the CMC has trained 3 local high schools in peer mediation and that one school, Granby, has nearly 7 times the amount of referrals than any in the state? The students state that they are extremely satisfied with the process and are actually self referring when they have issues.

Did you know that the CMC served 1,466 parents and 893 children through family mediation services and parenting training last year alone; helped 1,081 citizens come to a resolution of their conflicts; trained 179 parents in how to keep their children out of adult conflict; trained 574 at-risk youth in violence prevention skills and trained 1,325 adults in community workshop on conflict resolution. The Center served 2,856 people who were at or below 125% of the poverty level and considered indigent. An additional 1,531 low-income family members or individuals were served who were at or below 200% of the poverty level.
It is amazing all the wonderful services the CMC provides with such a small staff. The difference is that although the staff size is small, their passion and dedication to community service and to helping their community resolve conflict is enormous.

I cannot wait to learn more as I know that what we do truly makes a difference in our community. If you want to learn more, call us at 757-480-2777


Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

Farewell to a Friend

It is with a heavy heart that Community Mediation Center of Southeastern Virginia (CMC) announces the sudden passing in January of good friend, mediator and mentor Ken Ferebee.


In 2002 Ken was searching for an organization that could use his experience working with media sales and a local victim-witness offender program. Thankfully, he found us! Because of Ken's efforts, the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program grew from its infancy with less than 50 GDC cases a year to over 300 per year regularly offering on-site mediation services in almost all local courts. After two years of volunteering at court, Ken became an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer with the CMC and served for an additional 3 years. In addition to working at local courts Ken was an excellent advocate for mediation, consistently working with clerks, judges and other court professionals encouraging the referral of mediation cases. Ken was personally responsible for mentoring many of the mediators in southeastern Virginia.

Ken had a remarkable way with community members, helping them understand the benefits of mediation and getting them comfortable with the process. Not only did he communicate well in mediation, he also was great at communicating with crowds! It has been said that Ken did the best "try mediation" speech, helped by his smooth Virginia Beach native style and calming tone.

Ken was honored by the CMC in 2004 with a Peacemaker award for his self-motivated spirit. Ken was a veteran, serving in the US Coast Guard during the Vietnam War. He also was a devoted father and grandfather.

Ken was remarkably talented and responsible for designing CMC's creative logo - the dove/hand and heart - as well creating many of the mediation brochures and flyers the CMC has used during the past 6 years. He put his graphic design talents to work again by creating posters for each of the local general district courts, encouraging readers to try mediation.

Ken will truly be missed, not only for his efforts training mediators and organizing cases, but also for his experience, encouragement, great sense of humor and caring spirit around the office. As fellow CMC staff member, Chuck Hardwick recalls, "we shared the same memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television commercials and the summers before air-conditioning. Ken had a great sense of humor, laced with wit. His melodious radio voice will never be forgotten."

Please come join the CMC as we celebrate Ken's life and service to the mediation community on Thursday, March 20th. From 5:00pm to 6:00pm, share your personal stories about Ken. From 6:00pm to 7:30pm the CMC is hosting an Open House for the community as part of March is Mediation Month. Plan to stay and participate in CMC's version of March Madness.

If you have personal memories of Ken you wold like to share with CMC, please share it our blog. If you wold like to make a donation in Ken's memory, please do so online or mail to Attn: Finding Common Ground Endowment Fund, 586 Virginian Drive, Norfolk VA 23505.

Sincerely,

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director
757-480-2777

Motherhood and Mediation

As mediators, we acquire most of our training through classroom training, observations, co-mediations and hands on application. If we look hard enough, we would see that the opportunity to utilize theses skills surrounds us at every turn. Little did I realize that many of my mediation skills would be put to the test during my first six weeks of motherhood.

Maternity leave is often the opportunity to learn basic caretaking techniques. My experience went beyond dirty diapers and burp clothes, and transcended into the professional realm. I worked on becoming a better mother and mediator.

Our clients are not that different from infants at times. We’ve all had that client who whined constantly, cried inconsolably; some may have even kept you up at night. How did you deal with this situation? Did you find the right words to help facilitate peaceful resolution of conflict? Did you exhibit patience during this session or were you about to pull your hair out?

It took me six weeks of active listening with my son to figure out what he was trying to say to me. It can be a challenge to distinguish the “poopie” or “hunger” cry from the “sleepy,” “cranky,” or “I just want to be held” cry. Our clients speak their own language and it is up to us to decipher what their positions and interests are so we can better assess their needs. As we all know, rarely do people ever come out directly and tell us what they are thinking or feeling. It is up to us to treat this as a jigsaw puzzle and fill in the missing pieces. This is where patience and active listening become so critical in mediation.

After dismissing my son’s crying as a normal right of passage for me to transcend into motherhood, I realized that he really was trying to communicate to me. I just wasn’t listening. Every cry was for a reason. If it were not for his fussiness I would not feed him, change him, or soothe him. It was up to me to take a step back, take a breath, and truly listen with both ears to meet his needs. I am sure this same technique would work to meet our clients needs. Patience and active listening will not only make me a better mother, but also a better mediator. What can you do differently in your next mediation session?

To avoid or not to avoid...
Have you ever called someone when you knew they wouldn’t be home just so you could leave them a voicemail instead of actually having to speak to them? How about sending an e-mail or a text message instead of picking up the phone? People who do this type of thing, me included, are conflict avoiders. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being an avoider of conflict. It doesn’t mean that you let people step all over you it just means that if you can avoid conflict you do.


However, sometimes you avoid conflict for so long that it affects you negatively. For instance, I have been avoiding having a conversation with a family member of mine for months. It is costing me a lot financially because I don’t want to have this conversation.


What’s the worst that could happen if you face a potential conflict head on? Oh my gosh…it could actually get resolved in a way that is mutually acceptable to both parties involved! So let’s pick up that phone when we know they are home and give them call instead of a text. Let’s just face things head on in this new year and remember the ancient proverb: Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

- Sara Foote

Dating and the Mediator - Part 3

Sometimes I hate being a mediator. Sometimes I don’t want to make that commitment to being a good listener and communicator. A recent incident that demonstrates this desire is a 5 day discussion I had with my boyfriend over the number of glasses that we were going to have in our kitchen cupboard. He had 24 and then became insistent on 18. I had paired them down to 14 – I figured that was 2 a day for a week – it made sense to me. Oh no, that was crazy talk. How could one person be expected to use only TWO glasses a day? My answer was if someone used more than 14 glasses a week than they just needed to learn to do dishes more (I am currently only there on the weekend, all of this is in preparation for my gradual move in).

I noticed both of digging into our positions, so I asked a good open-ended question to try to expose his interests, “Help me understand why it is important for you to have so many glasses.” Well, he gave me stupid answers like, “I drink more than one type of beverage a day and you can’t mix milk and juice.” To which I responded, “So just rinse out the glass and its like you never put the milk in there.” To which he responded, “Ew! You can’t do that, the glass is contaminated!” So again, I asked, help me understand how that is different than what happens in the dishwasher. Soap, my friends, soap, also the glass may not be contaminated but the beverage is definitely watered down by the droplets of water left on the glass and furthermore, it is just too much work to dry the glass. When asked if his drink has ever tasted watered down he responded, “That is not the point, I know the water is in there.” Of course my reasoning was just, “Look, 18 glasses is excessive.”

He finally got me with the symmetry interest – that 18 glasses would be three rows of six, half a cabinet and symmetrical. Finally! An interest we both share! Its organized and pleasing to the eye, a bridge was being built. I wanted to put in one last bid to see if I could win and offered 15 glasses as a way to meet his symmetry argument – that would be 3 rows of 5. No. It had to be 18. I was just about ready to give in and let him have the 18 until he said, “I am putting my foot down about the 18 glasses.” Oh really? Foot down? I thought to myself well, he has drawn his line in the sand, I can continue to collaborate and try to come to a win-win or I can draw my line. I drew my line. I actually was about to give in until the foot came down. At this point the conflict was no longer about what the right amount glasses was appropriate for our storage capacity, but about who was right and who was wrong. This was no longer a problem solving session – it was a competition.

So our conflict was escalated by us each focusing on positions rather than interests and also by both parties not wanting to move much. Also, our positions were fueled a lot by our different world views. We see this in mediation all the time. Sometimes someone has to give up a lot or completely in order to see a conflict resolved. I had to either outwait the king of stubbornness or let him have what he wanted. This is where I had to look outside the walls of my conflict to evaluate what was really important to me. Was it important to me to win and be “right”? What did I really gain? What did I lose? I had to look at these aspects and decide what I really valued was not having hour long discussions on a daily basis about 18 stupid glasses, or really it was 3 glasses since I was willing to allow 15. I needed to look at the big picture. A lot of times this is what clients in mediation need. They get tunnel vision and can only see one aspect of their problem. There is usually a whole other world outside of that one little bit. I realized this with the glasses and I gave in. He has his three rows of six. They are after all, just glasses.

Mandy Stallings

Perception is Reality

“Perception is reality.” I heard this phrase at a meeting recently and have come to understand that this “perception” is “reality” and is at the root of most conflicts.

Think about it. Someone sends you an email and you sense or “perceive” that the sender is upset, angry or distressed with you. What’s going on internally for you at that moment? For many people that “perception” becomes the reality: they know the sender is upset or angry with them. They then react based on that “reality”. Meanwhile, the email sender has their own “reality” which often is different from the receiver’s perception. So when they receive the response from the other person they are baffled and they create a new perception which becomes their reality.

Email isn’t the only culprit – phone calls, conversations – direct and overheard, comments, written communications – all these forms of communication fall prey to this simple “reality”.

So what do we do about this? The key seems to be to remember this simple principle and, before “reacting”, take a step back and consider: “Is my perception truly the reality of the situation?” Then, communicate openly with the other person to get clear on what that person meant by that communication. It could be your perception was correct. On the other hand, you might find you were way off base and, simply by “checking in” with the person were able to avoid a tense conflict situation.

Karen Richards

Chasing the Sunset

It was dusk and I was driving west on I-64 last week. The pink light of sunset was waning in the west. If I could just drive faster, maybe I could catch it – overtake the sunset. But the closer I “got” the faster the light waned and eluded me.

Finding a resolution to a conflict can seem just as elusive as chasing a sunset. People often hold on to their “position” – what they want or think they want – for so long that they end up getting nothing. They end up chasing the sunset. The more they “drive” their position, the more fleeting the resolution becomes.

Mediation helps people to focus on their interests rather than their positions. Interests are the reasons behind the position – the “why”. When people can let go of their position and concentrate on their interest, a resolution to the conflict can become a reality.

Karen Richards

Mediation.
It's everywhere we want it to be.

Sometimes we forget we are mediators, especially in dealing with other family members. But the techniques we use in mediation also work to difuse a conflict in our personal lives.

Recently, my son drove from Oregon, with his two cats, to pick up some items I had been holding in storage. (Was it really more than two years ago that I put him and his cats on the midnight flight to Argentina? It was a scene straight out of the movie "Casablanca" except I didn't shoot a German officer.) He was on a tight schedule and planned to be here for about 24 hours. Like his dad, he is very organized and inventoried his storage boxes and what was in them.

He was particularly anxious to retrieve some disks which he uses to program music and other activities in his computer. He found the box, but no program disks. He became increasingly agitated as he searched our "computer room" for the disks. The disks were expensive, he said, and were the prime reason he drove across country to retrieve them. He had just wasted two weeks and said some other things about my lack of responsibility.

I could tell he was angry, and suddenly, without realizing it, I went into mediation mode. I affirmed his anger and frustration, without rebuttal, and assured him that if they were in the room, I would find them and send them to him. I allowed him to vent without expanding the discussion into other areas of our relationship. In a few moments, he was calm again and seemed to accept he did not have his disks. We went outside, where I said hello to his cats, sitting in crates on the front seat beside him. We parted on friendly terms.

Five days later, he called. He had a safe and uneventful trip to the west coast. "Oh by the way," he said. "I found the disks in another box." We laughed, and I said nothing about his anger. Now he is setting up another sound studio, happily using his disks. Mediation. It's everywhere we want it to be.

Chuck Hardwick

It is with a heavy heart that we announce the retirement of Ken Ferebee. Not even Superman himself could organize so many mentees for court, mediate with such grace and deal with some of our most difficult clients. Yet, somehow, Ken has done this - and so much more at CMC.

In 2002 Ken was searching for an organization that could use his experience working with media sales and a victim-offender program. Luckily, he found us! Because of Ken's efforts the General District Court mediation program grew from its infancy with less than 50 GDC cases a year, and now we are mediating over 300 per year, and regularly offering on-site mediation services in 2 local courts. After two years of volunteering at court, Ken became an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and served for an additional 3 years. In this role he was able to receive a small stipend to continue his fabulous court work. In addition to working at local courts Ken is an excellent advocate for mediation, consistently working with clerks, judges and other court professionals encouraging the referral of mediation cases.

Ken has an excellent way with community members, helping them understand the benefits of mediation and getting them into the process. Not only does he communicate in mediation, he also is great at communicating with crowds! It has been said that Ken does the best “try mediation” speech, and that he is helped by his smooth Virginia Beach native style and calming tone. Plus, Ken is responsible for designing CMC’s famous logo – the dove/hand and heart. He put his graphic design talents to work again by creating posters for each of the local general district courts, encouraging readers to try mediation.

Ken will truly be missed, not only for his efforts training mediators and organizing cases, but also for his experience, encouragement, and caring spirit around the office.