Last week, in honor of National Conflict Resolution Day, I had the opportunity to do a brief introduction to conflict resolution to 4th and 5th grade students at a local elementary school. I asked them questions like “what words do you think of when you hear the word conflict?”, “how does conflict make you feel?” and “how do you resolve conflict in your own life?”. I must admit I was shocked by the complexity and contemplation behind the answers I received.

When asked for words relating to conflict, the students’ answers ranged from fight and argument to war and divorce. As to be expected, I got feeling words like angry and mad, but I also heard frustrated, confused, abandoned, ignored, embarrassed, dishonest and disrespectful. And when asked how they resolve conflict, the students’ answers varied; some ignore it, some yell into a pillow, others play video games or talk to their friends and family. Not a single student said they go directly to the source and talk to the person they are in conflict with.

Peer mediation is being introduced to this school, and this program will allow students the opportunity to talk directly to the person they are in conflict with in a safe, friendly, confidential and violence-free environment. The 4th and 5th graders I spoke to definitely knew a lot more about conflict than I had imagined…and definitely knew a lot less about conflict resolution than I had hoped.

-Megan Carpenter

Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards

Two weeks ago I drove my car into a big puddle and drowned it. Well...it wasn't really a puddle, it was a flooded street and I was driving at night in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with.

Needless to say, my little Mercury Sable was prounounced DOA when I took it to my mechanic.

CONFLICT: I need a new car, but I am an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and my funds are very limited.

So, like a good mediator, I pulled out my pad of paper just as if I were in a mediation session with a flip chart and I started the brainstorming process. I began generating options; organizing and prioritizing them. In our youth program we use the acronym SODAS for the decision making process

Situation
Options
Disadvantages
Advantages
Solution

It is an easy and effective way of breaking down the step-by-step decision making process to make the best decision possible.

I listed my options:
- buy a new or a used car
I reality tested all the advantages and disadvantages;
-could I afford the car payment if I bought a new car?
-what would insurance costs look like?
-if I bought a used car, what repairs or maintenance would I be looking at?
-what was the reliability of the different makes and models?

After two weeks of searching (and lots of help from a wonderful support group of family, friends, and co-workers), I was finally able to come up with an acceptable solution that wouldn't break the bank. I am now happily behind the wheel of a used Toyota Camry.

Don't underestimate the importance of the brainstorming stage and listing all possibilities. Sometimes just being able to see all the options on paper helps to organize thoughts and begin to move in the direction of resolution.

-Diane Arnold

Recently, I had a chance to return to my alma mater, the University of Missouri, for a 100th aniversary celebration of the School of Journalism. All classes were invited to return and about 3,000 of us swarmed the J-School complex and spent a few days literally walking down memory lane.

The campus has changed a lot since I last stepped foot there in the 80s. Three new buildings added to the J-School campus, and tons of new classrooms and dorms built where there used to be open space. The entire dorm complex I had lived in as a freshman was gone, being replaced with a massive structure filled with the latest electronic wiring for gadgets and equipment that had not been invented when I was on campus.

The most fun, though, was exploring the new J-School buildings. We were invited to sit in on lectures, visit labs and mingle with students and faculty. My old J-School news room was now quiet and filled with offices and storage rooms. Across the street stood the new newsroom with sections for photography, circulation, advertising and the newsroom itself. I immediately noticed the quiet. As a journalism student in the 60s, the newsroom was filled with shouting editors, the jangle of ringing phones, the noise of reporters pounding manual typewriters and the constant clicking of wire machines bringing news from all over the world.

I had plenty of opportunity to talk to faculty about the technological changes. But I had the most fun with the very young budding journalists. The most-often asked question: What was my first job out of journalism school. My answer: I worked for the government. Most of the men in my class of 1966 were drafted immediately after graduation. What was my most vivid memory of J-School? was another question. My answer: The day JFK was assasinated and they actually stopped the presses.

I talked about my career after J-School, and what I was doing today (a marketing moment for mediation). I'm still using my J-School training, I told one student, who had asked if those skills had evaporated, now that I was was out of the business. In J-School, we were told to asked open-ended questions. The who, where, when, what, why and how. In mediation, I still ask those kinds of questions and for the same reason--to get people to open up and tell their stories. Never ask a yes or no question, I reminded this student. You'll get a yes or no answer. But you won't get any information. This also applies to mediation. Maybe J-School was preparing me to be a mediator.

Chuck Hardwick

In the past few weeks I have learned that when there is a conflict going on between family members or friends and they DO NOT ask you for help, DON’T get involved!

My aunt and my sister were having some issues recently and I found myself automatically wanting to help them problem solve. Next thing I know I’m spending half my day back and forth on the phone with each of them trying to neutralize the harsh statements each was making about the other. It took me a while, but I realized they were not ready to work it out right now. They needed time to be mad and say ugly things that they would later regret. Eventually, after they had each calmed down (several days later), they were able to talk to each other and work out most of their problems.

I guess the point of this for me was:
1) If there is trouble brewing, stay out of it unless you are asked to help
resolve the conflict
2) Everyone has a different style of dealing with conflict. Some people can let
it drag on for days, others, like me, need it resolved before I go to bed that
night.

Problem solved, I can get some sleep now!

-Sara Foote

What to do?

I’ve been mediating for 8 years, and I still have those moments… “What to do?!”

On Friday I found myself in a mediation that started off on the wrong foot and kept on going. “What should I do?”

I summarized – that kind-of worked. I asked open and closed questions – that didn’t matter. I held up the good or used interests & positions – seemed to help one of them. I took more control over the process – that didn’t work. I abdicated control over the process – that didn’t work. I took a break – didn’t help.

Intellectually I know that mediation isn’t for everyone. But, my heart HOPES it’s for everyone. I wish there was something I could have done to change the feelings, the distrust, or the outcome in that room.

But – it’s not about I or ME, it’s about them.

That’s hard to swallow sometimes.

So… “What to do?”

Keep practicing, continued self reflection & training, and keep on mediating!

-Amanda Burbage

The little things are what make the difference. In nearly every facet of life, they are what separate greatness from mediocrity. They also have the ability to create the greatest amount of gratitude for what you no longer have access to. The latter I have found especially true in China.

Yesterday, the little things came through big for me. It is the little things I miss about America. Not being able to find push pins for example had me frustrated for quite a while. Until I saw them last night at the local store. Aaaaah, my shining beacon in the school supplies aisle. The smile lasted for two hours.

Little things are what separate us from each other. Little things keep us respectfully distant, keep us secure and keep our dreams possible. Going that extra step, taking one more look around the corner, staying one more minute.

All of these little things that occur in our lives. Our favorite radio station, cereal, efficiency in nearly every area of our lives. Too much of it is taken for granted in the states. The truth is that these little things are what keep us together, keep us stable and insure the chance to have happiness. Without them, we are gridlocked.

-Jason Clevenger

Jason was an AmeriCorps volunteer at the Center this summer. He is now in Changsha, Hunan, China teaching English. Read more about Jason's adventures in teaching on his blog at http://project7585.blogspot.com/

When I tell people I have a Bachelor’s degree in Conflict Resolution the answer is always the same, “You have a degree in what?”

I have a degree in Conflict Resolution.

The second question always follows, “Where on Earth do you get a degree in that? I didn’t even know that was a real major.”

Conflict Resolution bachelor degree programs are now offered for undergrads in 16 states, and master degree programs are offered across the United States and in several other countries worldwide. Class titles can include Mediation, Ideas of War, Nonviolence, and Gender and Conflict.

Despite popular belief, I did not just sit around Indian style with my hair in braids reading about Gandhi and singing Kumbaya. During my four years of undergraduate studies at Juniata College, I took numerous classes in Peace and Conflict Studies, Politics, and Communication Studies. I had the opportunity to travel to the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland for a two week intensive study program on the troubles of Northern Ireland, I interned at the Northern Ireland Bureau in Washington, D.C. for a semester, and I studied abroad for a year in Derry, Northern Ireland. I worked with youth, teaching conflict resolution skills in local elementary schools, and served as an on-campus mediator. I took exams, wrote papers and spent many hours reading, studying, and experiencing reconciliation in post-conflict societies, nonviolence and mediation services. Conflict Resolution is a real major.

And the third question: “Now what exactly will you do with a degree in Conflict Resolution?”

This question is a bit more difficult to answer because there are many paths to take with a degree in Conflict Resolution. Some people go into social work, others into politics. Some choose international organizations like the United Nations, others choose small non-profits like Community Mediation Center. I have friends with Conflict Resolution degrees serving in the Peace Corps, working for Congressmen in Washington, and serving as mediators and case managers for different organizations throughout the United States, South America and the Middle East. Conflict is everywhere in life, from within the home to the international arena, and the options for working within the field of Conflict Resolution are just as broad.

My name is Megan and I’m the new Americorps VISTA volunteer here at CMC, working with youth programs. I’m going to use my degree to help children and teenagers learn to communicate effectively with their peers, parents, friends and siblings, and I am ready to take on the next series of dubious inquiries. “You work where? You do what?”

-Megan Carpenter

Do you know about the AmeriCorps Program? I didn’t know much about the program until I came to the Community Mediation Center last year. Now I am such a supporter as I see what a difference these volunteers make in the nonprofit organizations and the communities they serve. According to their website, AmeriCorps offers 75,000 opportunities for adults of all ages and backgrounds to serve through a network of partnerships with local and national nonprofit groups each year.

The CMC has participated in the AmeriCorps program for several years and worked with many talented and enthusiastic individuals. They help us in so many ways- from managing our mediation services to working with our youth programs to leading many of our proactive community activities. Each individual brings such a wide array of skills, interests, talent and passions that has truly supported our mission.

Our dedicated staff, amazing volunteers, and active board are wonderful. But I am so honored to also have this experience of working with the AmeriCorps volunteers. Although these volunteers typically work with an organization for one year, their contributions are long lasting. Our current AmeriCorps volunteers work in youth, community outreach, volunteer services and mediation services. So much of what we offer our community could not be done without their support. Many of our current staff directors started as AmeriCorps and are by far the most dedicated talented individuals I have ever worked with. The majority of AmeriCorps volunteers, however, move on to graduate school, law school and other service positions, continuing to serve their communities.

We benefit from their service and once their year is done, they are advocates in the community for conflict resolution. Everyone wins from this partnership. So I thank our AmeriCorps volunteers, past and present. It is hard to see you leave but know that your contributions to the Community Mediation Center are so appreciated. You truly have made a difference in our lives and our community..

-Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

New Steps

I have always been taught to see my life as consecutive steps that lead to some magical destiny that I haven’t quite figured out yet. From going to elementary school through high school and being on honor roll every year which ultimately leads to college scholarships and awards. Then finding that special someone which leads to an engagement, marriage, buying a house, cars, and children (haven’t gotten there yet). Ultimately all the decisions and experiences one has in life lead to independence from family and in the words of my mother "officially becoming an adult and leading a life worth remembering".

I just started with the CMC about a month ago now after finishing my undergraduate degree. I have met a lot of diverse, and in the words of some mediators, “different kinds of people”. I have also learned what makes people diverse and different and how our differences and skills, make for a wonderful learning experience. It is for this reason that I hope that my experience here at the CMC will be a great step in my stairway to that “magical destiny”.

-Chaniece Winfield

Family Mediation

I am certified to mediate general and family cases, but for some reason prefer to work with families which is a good thing, because I am using all my mediation skills right now to help my own family through a crisis.

My mother is dealing with some major health issues and is now in a rehabilitation center receiving treatment until she is strong enough to return home. She is not happy about it and now is in the denial (I want to go home!) and anger (It's all your fault!) stages. I just let the anger and angry things she says wash over me without responding to them. It's like I'm listening to one client venting at another client in mediation, knowing eventually we'll get down to some story telling and generating options. I can detatch during those moments and give her permission to be angry, knowing it's not really about me.

All of the siblings are under stress and my brother and sister know all of each other's hot buttons. There are long standing issues that probably will never be fully settled. The emergency room and hospital are not places to be visiting those issues (handling money, who got what for their birthday and a host of other annoyances). Now I find my self being neutral, reframing and asking open ended questions. This is not a time to judge either of them as at fault. From time to time I actually do some caucasing, speaking to each of them individually.

The latest issue of contention has been about visiting mom. ("I work!" "I work, too, and I've already missed some shifts!") Finally, I was able to help them agree to go whenever they could, and not argue about who was there the most or least.

Hopefully, we will all get through this and my mom will be home with her cat, which she also misses.

Mediation can be rewarding, especially when I can help clients resolve their differences. Mediation skills can be used outside of mediations; in this case, they are survival skills which I can employ to help everyone cooperate and work together to achieve our goal---help mom recover.

Chuck Hardwick

‘God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much.’

Before I started at the Community Mediation Center I used to think I was a good listener. When a friend had a problem or a co-worker was dealing with a difficult issue I was always on hand to listen and offer my opinion. But recently I’ve come to realize I’m not really a good listener. I do a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening.

So now you may be wondering, “What’s the difference between hearing and listening?” Well, we hear a dog barking, we hear the buzz of a summer cicada, and we hear the next-door neighbor’s lawnmower. But listening requires both hearing and processing what we hear.

Often times when we are “listening” to our friend/co-worker/spouse talk about their troubles we are thinking of a solution to offer them. Or we are thinking ahead of what the person is saying – rehearsing what you are going to say, or rewinding in your head what you’ve already said and wishing you had said it differently. And in today’s hectic world, we are distracted by the appointments we have to keep, the errands we have to run, and the bills that have to be paid. All of these situations keep us from listening effectively.

Just think of everything you could be missing because you were only hearing what that other person had to say and not listening to them.

-Diane Arnold

On the road...

My family and I were vacationing in the Washington, DC area last week. Our hotel had families and business people from around the world.

I knew I had to write this blog when I returned to work this week and was thinking about what to write while riding in our hotel’s elevator. As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and a family got on with a very excited and fast-moving toddler who was ready to explore this new world.

The back of the elevator’s doors were mirrors and while all stood together watching the floor numbers flash by, the little girl looked in the mirror doors and saw us in the reflection. We smiled at her and she giggled and wiggled.

Then, it happened. She turned her head slightly and saw us AND our reflections. A light went on for her – and her eyes lit up in recognition that the reflection and the people were one in the same. She let out a gleeful chortle and her eyes met mine and seemed to say to me, “I got it! I’ve learned something new! Wow!”

The elevator doors opened on her floor and she took off down the hall, her family in hot pursuit.

As the elevator doors closed, my family and I looked at each other in wonderment with what we had just witnessed – that precious moment of awareness and understanding of the world around us.

I have had this experience before in mediation when people in conflict suddenly gain a new realization and awareness of the conflict situation and work towards a peaceful resolution.

This opportunity, or “ah-ha” moment usually sneaks up on them, just like it did for this little girl. All it takes, sometimes, is a “tilt of the head” to see the conflict situation and the world in a new way. It also takes being open to the opportunity.

So take a step back or to the side and look at life in a different way. May you experience illumination and the pure joy that this new awareness brings.

-Karen Richards

From what I’ve noticed, mediators aren’t really a dime a dozen brand. Nor are their individual styles remotely similar to each other. Well, at least that could be the case from the majority of mediations I have been through. What I have seen, through observation and co-mediation, is that no two mediators are alike. Each mediator develops their style for what fits them best. Nevertheless, many teeter on the edge of lawyering, arbitrating and counseling.

A few weeks ago, I posed a question to one of my colleagues. Why is it that we cannot give legal advice and yet nothing is said about counseling our clients, save the fact that in the agreement to mediate, it states that mediation is not counseling? Furthermore, which style is more conducive to therapy? A directive approach or a facilitative one?

Observing one mediator, I was struck at how his more directive approach, in my opinion, imitated therapy more than the facilitative approach that I have adopted and which is used at the CMC. If we are to be directive, opinionated and suggestive in our mediation, doesn’t that lend itself to therapy? After all, a therapist gives their opinion for your behavior. As mediators, the line to walk between making the session therapeutic and facilitative is a fine one. But that line is even more fine when a directive approach is used.

In all, mediators must find the characteristics they wish to emulate to successfully operate a session. I have found that the best mediators have two things in common. They are succinct and they are distant. Succinct in their ability to rephrase and paraphrase language into clearly understood, often layman sentiment that construes the very interest of the client, yet can also save face.

They are distant, in that when they are in the mediation room, they are no more than an observer. And when they leave the mediation room, the clients and the case stay behind.

This is the role I have observed to be the most effective in mediation. Staying close without being involved. Being on top of the situation without being all over the situation. It is the client’s process and their time. It is their conversation.

Many people may feel that the facilitative approach is costly in terms of time and energy. But I have found just the opposite to be true. If done properly, facilitative mediation allows clients the essential story-telling that is needed to get beyond positions and to the root of the dispute. It is more efficient in that after this phase, however lengthy it may be concludes, the clients can move on to business.

I also find that it is less like therapy in practice while being more therapeutic in effect. By staying objective, distant, and succinct and by simply “listening and repeating” the mediation takes on a life of its own. The clients feel heard and validated. And the process moves on, without alteration or pretentious ad-lib.

-Jason Clevenger

It was never my goal to be a mediator.

Before I came to the Center, I wasn't aware of mediation and how it worked. Many years ago, when I was going through my separation process, a friend who also was going through it, chose to mediate. And yes, I asked, "Mediation? What's that?" The idea was so new it made the local news when they tried it. They used mediation to resolve some of the more emotional issues, like who got the house and kids. Once they resolved those issues, they were able to work on a lot of details, hire one lawyer and file the paperwork.

My friend said it was a good alternative to the traditional lawyer fight and suggested we try it.

I asked my wife about using mediation for us. She thought about it for a couple of days and then replied, "I'm afraid the mediator will take your side. I'm getting a lawyer." And so we did it the expensive way.

There was so much we did not know about this process called mediation. She wanted an advocate, someone who would fight for her. So here I am, 20 years later, mediating couples who have separated, resolving issues of custody, visitation, support and dividing up the property and debts among people who once loved one another. I wonder if my ex- knows what I do here? I haven't told her because we've talked only once in 20 years. Life is full of little ironies.

Chuck Hardwick

Last week I had the privilege of teaching a class for people who are interested in becoming mediators in Virginia. I love teaching because it gives me the chance to confirm what I know. I mean, there’s no better way to solidify information for yourself than to try and explain it to someone else!

Plus, in each workshop there is a dialogue about mediation that feels so fresh. It is invigorating to hear new mediators process through ethical issues, practical challenges, stylistic differences and so much more. It never fails – that at least one person in the class will ask a question that I’ve never thought of… and I love it!

I wish the best of luck to the mediators in training that just finished. For you mediators that have been in the game for a while… I hope you’re as luck as me to have the chance to ride the coat-tails of their enthusiasm!

-Amanda Burbage

I have been working as an intern for the Community Mediation Center for just over a month now. So far, it has been quite a pleasurable experience to be working with such a fine group of people. My coworkers are very friendly, and I am truly excited about my job. I am especially eager to be getting involved with the Summer Youth Program.

Although I have gained knowledge about the mediation process by taking a mediation course at James Madison University, (Go Dukes!!!), this internship has taught me a plethora of skills that could never be learned in a classroom.

By setting up appointments with clients I have definitely learned the art of patience. It never really occurred to me how much hard work was required to arrange schedules that would be suitable for all the parties. Perseverance was also a lesson that was learned from the appointment making process, because very rarely were all parties able to meet at the same time.

In terms of my overall involvement with the Summer Youth Program, I have gained a better understanding of strategic planning; mainly because I have helped in choosing the new material that will be put in the program manuals. I have also learned how to plan group activities as well. The process of brainstorming ideas for these activities has also helped my creativity, because I am forced to think outside the box.

Most of all, however, I believe that the most important thing I have learned from the internship at the Community Mediation Center is how to resolve conflicts more quickly and effectively. Although I have not yet observed a mediation session, this skill has been improved during the course of my internship because I have listened to how my coworkers handle communicating with their clients on the telephone. They always seem to ask very key questions to their clients in order to quickly and effectively resolve the conflict.

I am sure that there will be a wide variety of other skills that will be taught to me during the rest of my time as an intern for the Community Mediation Center, but I just feel blessed to be a part of such a great organization.

-Denver Sicay

Remembering Ken Ferebee


A celebration of the life of Ken Ferebee will be hosted by his family from 4 to 6:30 p.m., Sunday June 8 in Virginia Beach. The address for this very casual event is 5707Oceanfront Avenue. As part of the event, Ken's ashes will be scattered on the beach. I'll be there.

Ken was a volunteer mediator for the Center from 2002 until his death in January 20. His work contributed to the growth of the Hampton Roads General District Court mediation program from less that 50 cases a year to over 300 per year. He also was a mentor and contributed to the certification of many new mediators.

Although Ken and I neither worked nor trained together, his death greatly upset me. We did not socialize outside the Center, except for an occasional manly-man lunch. He mediated mostly in court, while I mediated mostly at the Center. Then I began to think about the things we had in common. We were both fathers. We were both divorced. We were both sucked into the military during the Vietnam War. Neither of us saw combat. Although I was a few years older than Ken, we shared the same musical memories, the same political moments and enjoyed reading the same authors. We remembered the same television programs and the summers before air conditioning. He had a great sense of humor, laced with sarcasm and wit. His one-liners and zingers were so creative, I laughed even when I was zinged. And he was a great curser, especially when working with a balky printer.

Although we were just work colleagues, I still remember the details of our conversations, the dapper way he dressed, the grey in his hair and beard and that wonderful radio voice, booming obscenities at malfunctioning equipment. From time to time, I meet a mediator Ken helped train and the mediator always talks about how organized and thorough Ken was in his work. The mediator world is still touched by him. And I miss him.

So long, Ken.


Chuck Hardwick

There was a thunderstorm in Prague, Czech Republic, on Sunday. No, I didn’t get this information from the Weather Channel or online. I heard it through the telephone. My son is studying abroad this summer in the Czech Republic and we were talking on the phone when the storm came up. A loud crash of thunder rolled through the airwaves and then, I heard it. Big, fat raindrops plinking on the window and the roof – in Prague, more than 4,300 miles from Virginia Beach! It was as if I was standing right there. So cool! Technology is amazing.

But what is even more amazing to me was that I was able to talk to him, hear his voice. While technology has opened up so many forms of electronic communication –“texting”, email, facebook, chat groups – nothing, for me, takes the place of talking to a person directly. We can hear a smile in their voice, sadness, excitement, or fear. And when we can’t hear a voice, such as with written and/or e-communications – we humans tend to put a “voice” in our heads to the words we read and that “voice” might be leading us to a misunderstanding and conflict.

People-to-people, human-to-human communications are so important and rare in our “online” society. But people crave this kind of communication; this human contact.

So don’t always rely on electronic communications. Pick up the phone and talk to someone. You might hear a rainstorm half way round the world.

-Karen Richards

Breaking Down the Walls in a Juvenile Detention Center with a Writing Workshop

The teens in orange jump suits glare at me as I enter the unit of the lock-down juvenile detention facility. The girls wear their hair pulled back with rubber bands. I cringe when I see the rubber bands. They are the same type of rubber bands that I wrap around the pages of my novel in progress and they are in the girl's hair. Personal hygiene and generic toiletries sit on the window ledge. The unit smells like cleaning antiseptic and laundry detergent. I chew hard on my gum and try not to inhale too deeply.

Twelve pairs of eyes glare at me.

Distrustful.

Angry.

Hostile.

The girl's dare me.

"You can't work with me.

I am bad.

I am a criminal."

I pull out my collection of poetry books.

The routine is the same every Monday when I arrive to facilitate the poetry workshop.

The girls are released from their cells as I enter the unit. They sit in black plastic seats at the tables that weigh a hundred pounds each so no one can pick them up and throw them.

I quickly go through the three rules. "Write from the heart," I say. "Write honestly. No sex. No violence. And no profanity."

I try to ignore the glares coming at me. I know the magic that will happen in the next hour, and how the glares will turn to tears and smiles. But, even so, it's never comfortable in the first ten minutes as twelve teenage girls glare at me.

I begin by sharing with the girls two poetry collections written by youth previously at the detention center. The poetry has been selected from the workshop and then published by the Miller Trust Art Exhibit Program in small books which are distributed to the community and the youth at the detention center.

I read:

In the eyes of my Mother,

I am a failure.

I am a juvenile punk

In the eyes of my Mother

I am a low-life punk.

I am not the son she knew.

I want to change

In the eyes of my Mother.

By the time the girls hear two or three poems, most of them are no longer glaring, and they are ready to write their experiences. However, there is always one girl who continues to resist. "I don't write poetry," she says.

"It doesn't have to rhyme. Just write from the heart. Write your experience." I say.

"I don't spell good,"

"Don't worry about the spelling. Just get the heart out there on paper. Your experience."

"I'm not a writer."

I listen to the girl's resistant words, and I hear what this locked up teen's heart is saying.

"I don't have anything to say."

"I'm not worth anything."

"Don't care about me."

"It's too risky to put myself on paper."

"I will not be vulnerable."

"You can do it." I encourage her.


After a few minutes, I look up and see her pencil moving across her paper.

The girls write and it is silent except for the occasional, "What rhymes with?" or "How do you spell?"

At the end of the hour, it's time for sharing the poems.

Some turn red as they read, others joke and laugh before reading, others tell us how bad their poetry is before reading stunning words of pain and loss.

Then, it is time for the girl who didn't want to write

"It's not very good," she says.

I wait.

"Do I have to?"

I nod.

The girl clears her throat. She shifts. And then she reads,

I am from nothing.

A hole in the wall.

An unnoticed fly on the ceiling.

I am from nothing

But I will not BE nothing.

My breath catches.

The magic of the writing workshop has taken hold. The pain is in the poem. The glare is gone.

When she is done, the girl asks me, "You coming back next week?"

"I'll be here," I say.

"So will I," she says. "I got thirty days."



Mindy Hardwick is a writer who runs a volunteer poetry workshop at Denney Juvenile Justice Center in Everett, Washington. She is the daughter of Chuck Hardwick, a mediator with Community Mediation Center. You can learn more about Mindy at her blog www.mindyhardwick.wordpress.com