Happy Holidays?

Holidays are supposed to be joyous times, with shopping, social gatherings and the anticipation of some time off to be with family and friends. But for parents going through a separation process, it can be a time of stress, anger and concern over finances and what will happen to their children.

I see it every fall as Thanksgiving apporaches and again during the Christmas/New Year's week. I have had more parents cry during meadions and parenting classes than at any other time of year. They are just overwhelmed by the emotional and financial stress and the idea they are supposed to be happy. I can relate to them because I got my GET OUT! papers the week before Christmas of 1986. I was stunned because I thought we had come to an agreement that nothing would happen until after the holidays. On Christmas Eve, I had dinner with a neighbor who also was going through the process. There was little joy at that table and neither one of us had much to say.

So this past holiday season, I was a little more patient with parents who suddenly became emotional during story-telling or when talking about their children. I offered a time-out and tried to say something to let them know I understood what they are experiencing. Any time of the year is a tough time to be going through a separation process, but the holidays, I think, are the hardest because parents are grieving at a time when it seems everyone around them is having a good time.

Chuck Hardwick

I love being a mentor-mediator.


A mentor-mediator is a Virginia Supreme Court certified mediator that has mediated for at least 2 years & gone through the recertification process at least once. Plus, mentors take special training to learn how to coach mediators-in-training through the sometimes difficult process of learning to mediate.

Of course I love to see my mentees do well. It’s like a baby learning to crawl & then walk. I feel like a proud parent. I’m so blessed to be a part of their certification journey, to make my mark.

But, the real reason I love to mentor is a selfish one. I love to talk about my craft. I could talk about the mediation process and techniques all day (if I didn’t have other stuff to do). Hearing war-stories and OMG moments, makes me appreciate mediation more and more. For me, being a mentor is not a job, its fun! Thinking of challenging scenarios, talking to myself about different ways to say certain things, replaying moments in my head, playing the “what if” game…

To me, the paperwork and extra training is worth it by far. It keeps me as sharp as ever - processing, thinking, learning…

-Amanda Burbage

Last week my friend called me looking for best friend advice about the best way to talk to her fiancé. After listening to her story, and paraphrasing what she said, I offered my secret tool…I-messages. I use I-messages with everyone- my parents, my brother, my boyfriend- and 9 times out of 10 it is very effective in getting my point across without being accusatory or hurtful.

I told my friend that I-messages are a great way of saying what you want to say without pointing the finger. She would be able to talk to her fiancé and he wouldn’t get upset. I told her about the secret formula: I feel ________ when ________ because _________ and I need __________. She really seemed like a natural...she practiced a few I-messages on me and got the courage to call her fiancé and test it out.

An hour later I got a phone call from my best friend… “Megan you’re a genius! It totally worked! I told him how I was feeling and he didn’t get frustrated or mad…he even agreed with me!” I told her I’m not a genius, I’m just in the field of conflict resolution and talking things out is what I know best. I was glad to share my secret tool with my best friend, and glad to hear that I-messages came to the rescue yet again! I feel great when I-messages help my friends because they mean so much to me and I need them to always be happy!

-Megan Carpenter

Check out the latest updates from former AmeriCorps Member
Jason Clevenger


volunteer English teacher in Changsha, Hunan, China

Going to the chart

Sometimes, putting information on flip charts in mediation can dramatically shift the attention of the clients from each other to concentrating on the issues. I've been involved in three mediations where the technique worked to help clients focus on the work that needed to be done and not each other's history.

In one, two sisters were arguing over the care of their elderly mother. One sister thought the other, who was living with the mother, was not doing a good job and was gone for long periods of time, leaving their elderly parent alone. They kept repeating their history to each other and the issues between them, often talking at the same time. My co-mediator went to the chart and asked them if they wanted their mother to be healthy as long as possible. They agreed. Then they were asked if they wanted their mom to stay in her home as long as possible. They agreed. Already, two points of agreement were on the chart. The focus shifted to my co-mediator standing by the chart and the points of agreement on it. They stopped looking at and talking to each other and placed their attention on the chart. It wasn't long before they had worked out a schedule of who would care for their mom and when.

In another case, separating parents spent much of the fiirst part of the mediation blaming each other for the breakup. The discussion seemed to bog down, when my co-mediator went to the chart and listed five issues they had identified. My co-mediator then checked three points where they had come to an agreement. The co-mediator then praised the clients on coming to agreements on those points and noted there were only two more issues to discuss. Eventually, they came to an agreement on all the issues, largely because they could "see" progress in the discussion.

A third case involved a couple who had separated and were trying to untangle their joint finances and debt. Again they got into their personal history and issues with each other, until my co-mediator went to the chart and started listing dollar amounts. I'm not very good with numbers but even I could see they were only a couple of hundred dollars apart. Unfortunatly, they could not see it and continued to re-hash their history until she abruptly left the room.
It doesn't work all the time, but the chart is a useful tool to help crystalize the issues and track progress on them.

Chuck Hardwick

Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession?

Recently, I had the privilege of going through the Old Dominion University Career Switcher program. Becoming a teacher was something I had contemplated but never thought I would do. Well, as they say never say never because you never know when never will come. I have been a substitute teacher on and off and working here at the Center for the last two years has helped me realize that I can do this as a career and hopefully be happy.

While filling out the application for Norfolk Public Schools the last question on the application read as follows: Why do you believe yourself to be suited for the teaching profession? My response below has been the same over the years and I am surprised that I have not detoured from my “philosophy or belief” when it comes to teaching. I believe that teaching takes passion and dedication.

Nevertheless, here is my response to the question above. I believe I am suited for the teaching profession because I enjoy helping to shape our future leaders. Gandhi stated that we must be the change that we want to see in the world. One of the ways that I can be a part of that change is through teaching and volunteering my time. I have volunteered my time in several diverse capacities over the years but the ones that stand out the most are the times I am training or facilitating youth programs. I have done several trainings on teaching youth how to deal with conflict or how to become a peer mediator in their schools. I enjoy working with young people because they keep me on top of my game and hold me to my personal belief of being the change I want to see in the world. I know I will not be able to have an impact on every student but I will make a difference in some of their lives and maybe even their parents as well. Therefore, I am suited for the teaching profession because I want to teach and want to make a difference in the future leaders of my children. I want to be the teacher that they will know I truly care about their future.

-Veronica Hill

I hurt my left foot over the summer. For several months I was back and forth to the doctor trying different “boots” and treatments to no avail. On October 10th my doctor put me in a cast from just under my toes to right under my knees. I was told not to put weight on it and to learn to use crutches for the next 4-6 weeks.

I felt paralyzed! I was not in pain but I was completely uncomfortable. I felt like the world around me was no longer accessible. It took me several days, no honestly it took a week or two, for me to realize that I could get around, I could do most of the things I had been able to do without the cast.

I tell this story for two reasons. The first is that I now have a whole new compassion and empathy for those who are physically disabled. I don’t mean that I feel sorry for them, I just feel like I know where they are coming from now even though my “disability” was minor and hopefully temporary. They face a challenge every time they have to go up porch steps to enter a house or when they need to go grocery shopping. (I have resorted to taking my 3 sons grocery shopping with me so that I can ride around in one of those electric carts and they can help carry the bags to the car while I hop on my crutches. Before this I tried to never take the boys grocery shopping, mostly because I spend a whole lot more time and money when they are with me!)

The second reason I tell this story is because I have been impressed and surprised at people's help (or lack of help) when I am in public. Sometimes I’ll be hopping up to a door and someone will stop what they are doing to hold it open for me. At other times people will continue on with what they are doing while I try struggle to get the door open. For the most part, people have been helpful and I think that is great. The group I have been most impressed with is my co-workers. They have been so helpful and kind (only a few jokes a day!). They carry my try for me when we go out to eat, they open doors for me, and they even carry my water bottle for me when I needed to teach a class! Thanks guys.

This experience has taught me, or maybe just reminded me, that life is not just about yourself and your own struggle. Everybody is dealing with something whether you can see it or not. So lend a helping hand, open a door or just smile at someone today.

-Sara Foote

Life at the CMC

I have been with the Community Mediation Center for several months now, and I truly believe that teamwork and the people that one is granted the privilege of calling co-workers make the difference between working a job and developing a career.

The people I work with come from diverse backgrounds and cultures but we all manage to put our differences to the side and make a team that is both beneficial and rewarding for both our volunteer mediators as well as our cliental.

I believe that this is the secret ingredient to a thriving workplace; teamwork, reliability, empathy - and the ability to say its ok to dress up as a mime or Gilligan, or even Batgirl when you come to work. These are characteristics that you won’t find many places, and if you do, then it is a true gem you have found and should cherish. I have enjoyed my time here with the CMC and look forward to working with this fun, creative, and diverse group of people for many more years to come.

-Chaniece Winfield

Last week, in honor of National Conflict Resolution Day, I had the opportunity to do a brief introduction to conflict resolution to 4th and 5th grade students at a local elementary school. I asked them questions like “what words do you think of when you hear the word conflict?”, “how does conflict make you feel?” and “how do you resolve conflict in your own life?”. I must admit I was shocked by the complexity and contemplation behind the answers I received.

When asked for words relating to conflict, the students’ answers ranged from fight and argument to war and divorce. As to be expected, I got feeling words like angry and mad, but I also heard frustrated, confused, abandoned, ignored, embarrassed, dishonest and disrespectful. And when asked how they resolve conflict, the students’ answers varied; some ignore it, some yell into a pillow, others play video games or talk to their friends and family. Not a single student said they go directly to the source and talk to the person they are in conflict with.

Peer mediation is being introduced to this school, and this program will allow students the opportunity to talk directly to the person they are in conflict with in a safe, friendly, confidential and violence-free environment. The 4th and 5th graders I spoke to definitely knew a lot more about conflict than I had imagined…and definitely knew a lot less about conflict resolution than I had hoped.

-Megan Carpenter

Recently, I've been thinking about icebergs. Last week, the Weather Channel was running a program about the sinking of the Titanic when it hit an iceberg. More than one thousand people drowned when the ship sank. It was a great tragedy that has lived on for nearly 100 years.

What makes icebergs so dangerous is that the majority of their mass – around 90% -- is hidden underwater. So what looks like a relatively small ice flow turns out to be a massive chunk of ice that can rip a hole in a ship. Such was the fate of the Titanic.

Most people will never see an actual iceberg. But all of us deal with the iceberg metaphor everyday, especially in our interpersonal communications.

In mediation we call it finding the interest behind or under the position. Positions are fixed points – "I'm not talking to that person." or "I'm not paying that bill." or "I'll never go to that place again."

Interests are the reasons behind that position – the "why". And those interests, like 90% of the mass of an iceberg, are hidden, sometimes very deep. But it is that vast and complex hidden reasoning that drives so much interpersonal conflict. Just look around; it is everywhere, especially in our current election fervor.

Just the other day, I was talking to my son's college roommate about a situation with a member of his band. I used the iceberg metaphor to help him understand that he'll need to "dive deep" to try to find out what is behind this person' behavior that is troubling him.

So when there is conflict, as the old saying goes, "it's only the tip of the iceberg". Don't get stopped by the position. Dig deeper and ask "why". Look for those elusive interests which often hold the key to resolving the conflict. Then you'll be able to navigate those murky "conflict" waters.

Happy sailing and be on the lookout for "icebergs".

-Karen Richards

Two weeks ago I drove my car into a big puddle and drowned it. Well...it wasn't really a puddle, it was a flooded street and I was driving at night in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with.

Needless to say, my little Mercury Sable was prounounced DOA when I took it to my mechanic.

CONFLICT: I need a new car, but I am an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and my funds are very limited.

So, like a good mediator, I pulled out my pad of paper just as if I were in a mediation session with a flip chart and I started the brainstorming process. I began generating options; organizing and prioritizing them. In our youth program we use the acronym SODAS for the decision making process

Situation
Options
Disadvantages
Advantages
Solution

It is an easy and effective way of breaking down the step-by-step decision making process to make the best decision possible.

I listed my options:
- buy a new or a used car
I reality tested all the advantages and disadvantages;
-could I afford the car payment if I bought a new car?
-what would insurance costs look like?
-if I bought a used car, what repairs or maintenance would I be looking at?
-what was the reliability of the different makes and models?

After two weeks of searching (and lots of help from a wonderful support group of family, friends, and co-workers), I was finally able to come up with an acceptable solution that wouldn't break the bank. I am now happily behind the wheel of a used Toyota Camry.

Don't underestimate the importance of the brainstorming stage and listing all possibilities. Sometimes just being able to see all the options on paper helps to organize thoughts and begin to move in the direction of resolution.

-Diane Arnold

Recently, I had a chance to return to my alma mater, the University of Missouri, for a 100th aniversary celebration of the School of Journalism. All classes were invited to return and about 3,000 of us swarmed the J-School complex and spent a few days literally walking down memory lane.

The campus has changed a lot since I last stepped foot there in the 80s. Three new buildings added to the J-School campus, and tons of new classrooms and dorms built where there used to be open space. The entire dorm complex I had lived in as a freshman was gone, being replaced with a massive structure filled with the latest electronic wiring for gadgets and equipment that had not been invented when I was on campus.

The most fun, though, was exploring the new J-School buildings. We were invited to sit in on lectures, visit labs and mingle with students and faculty. My old J-School news room was now quiet and filled with offices and storage rooms. Across the street stood the new newsroom with sections for photography, circulation, advertising and the newsroom itself. I immediately noticed the quiet. As a journalism student in the 60s, the newsroom was filled with shouting editors, the jangle of ringing phones, the noise of reporters pounding manual typewriters and the constant clicking of wire machines bringing news from all over the world.

I had plenty of opportunity to talk to faculty about the technological changes. But I had the most fun with the very young budding journalists. The most-often asked question: What was my first job out of journalism school. My answer: I worked for the government. Most of the men in my class of 1966 were drafted immediately after graduation. What was my most vivid memory of J-School? was another question. My answer: The day JFK was assasinated and they actually stopped the presses.

I talked about my career after J-School, and what I was doing today (a marketing moment for mediation). I'm still using my J-School training, I told one student, who had asked if those skills had evaporated, now that I was was out of the business. In J-School, we were told to asked open-ended questions. The who, where, when, what, why and how. In mediation, I still ask those kinds of questions and for the same reason--to get people to open up and tell their stories. Never ask a yes or no question, I reminded this student. You'll get a yes or no answer. But you won't get any information. This also applies to mediation. Maybe J-School was preparing me to be a mediator.

Chuck Hardwick

In the past few weeks I have learned that when there is a conflict going on between family members or friends and they DO NOT ask you for help, DON’T get involved!

My aunt and my sister were having some issues recently and I found myself automatically wanting to help them problem solve. Next thing I know I’m spending half my day back and forth on the phone with each of them trying to neutralize the harsh statements each was making about the other. It took me a while, but I realized they were not ready to work it out right now. They needed time to be mad and say ugly things that they would later regret. Eventually, after they had each calmed down (several days later), they were able to talk to each other and work out most of their problems.

I guess the point of this for me was:
1) If there is trouble brewing, stay out of it unless you are asked to help
resolve the conflict
2) Everyone has a different style of dealing with conflict. Some people can let
it drag on for days, others, like me, need it resolved before I go to bed that
night.

Problem solved, I can get some sleep now!

-Sara Foote

What to do?

I’ve been mediating for 8 years, and I still have those moments… “What to do?!”

On Friday I found myself in a mediation that started off on the wrong foot and kept on going. “What should I do?”

I summarized – that kind-of worked. I asked open and closed questions – that didn’t matter. I held up the good or used interests & positions – seemed to help one of them. I took more control over the process – that didn’t work. I abdicated control over the process – that didn’t work. I took a break – didn’t help.

Intellectually I know that mediation isn’t for everyone. But, my heart HOPES it’s for everyone. I wish there was something I could have done to change the feelings, the distrust, or the outcome in that room.

But – it’s not about I or ME, it’s about them.

That’s hard to swallow sometimes.

So… “What to do?”

Keep practicing, continued self reflection & training, and keep on mediating!

-Amanda Burbage

The little things are what make the difference. In nearly every facet of life, they are what separate greatness from mediocrity. They also have the ability to create the greatest amount of gratitude for what you no longer have access to. The latter I have found especially true in China.

Yesterday, the little things came through big for me. It is the little things I miss about America. Not being able to find push pins for example had me frustrated for quite a while. Until I saw them last night at the local store. Aaaaah, my shining beacon in the school supplies aisle. The smile lasted for two hours.

Little things are what separate us from each other. Little things keep us respectfully distant, keep us secure and keep our dreams possible. Going that extra step, taking one more look around the corner, staying one more minute.

All of these little things that occur in our lives. Our favorite radio station, cereal, efficiency in nearly every area of our lives. Too much of it is taken for granted in the states. The truth is that these little things are what keep us together, keep us stable and insure the chance to have happiness. Without them, we are gridlocked.

-Jason Clevenger

Jason was an AmeriCorps volunteer at the Center this summer. He is now in Changsha, Hunan, China teaching English. Read more about Jason's adventures in teaching on his blog at http://project7585.blogspot.com/

When I tell people I have a Bachelor’s degree in Conflict Resolution the answer is always the same, “You have a degree in what?”

I have a degree in Conflict Resolution.

The second question always follows, “Where on Earth do you get a degree in that? I didn’t even know that was a real major.”

Conflict Resolution bachelor degree programs are now offered for undergrads in 16 states, and master degree programs are offered across the United States and in several other countries worldwide. Class titles can include Mediation, Ideas of War, Nonviolence, and Gender and Conflict.

Despite popular belief, I did not just sit around Indian style with my hair in braids reading about Gandhi and singing Kumbaya. During my four years of undergraduate studies at Juniata College, I took numerous classes in Peace and Conflict Studies, Politics, and Communication Studies. I had the opportunity to travel to the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland for a two week intensive study program on the troubles of Northern Ireland, I interned at the Northern Ireland Bureau in Washington, D.C. for a semester, and I studied abroad for a year in Derry, Northern Ireland. I worked with youth, teaching conflict resolution skills in local elementary schools, and served as an on-campus mediator. I took exams, wrote papers and spent many hours reading, studying, and experiencing reconciliation in post-conflict societies, nonviolence and mediation services. Conflict Resolution is a real major.

And the third question: “Now what exactly will you do with a degree in Conflict Resolution?”

This question is a bit more difficult to answer because there are many paths to take with a degree in Conflict Resolution. Some people go into social work, others into politics. Some choose international organizations like the United Nations, others choose small non-profits like Community Mediation Center. I have friends with Conflict Resolution degrees serving in the Peace Corps, working for Congressmen in Washington, and serving as mediators and case managers for different organizations throughout the United States, South America and the Middle East. Conflict is everywhere in life, from within the home to the international arena, and the options for working within the field of Conflict Resolution are just as broad.

My name is Megan and I’m the new Americorps VISTA volunteer here at CMC, working with youth programs. I’m going to use my degree to help children and teenagers learn to communicate effectively with their peers, parents, friends and siblings, and I am ready to take on the next series of dubious inquiries. “You work where? You do what?”

-Megan Carpenter

Do you know about the AmeriCorps Program? I didn’t know much about the program until I came to the Community Mediation Center last year. Now I am such a supporter as I see what a difference these volunteers make in the nonprofit organizations and the communities they serve. According to their website, AmeriCorps offers 75,000 opportunities for adults of all ages and backgrounds to serve through a network of partnerships with local and national nonprofit groups each year.

The CMC has participated in the AmeriCorps program for several years and worked with many talented and enthusiastic individuals. They help us in so many ways- from managing our mediation services to working with our youth programs to leading many of our proactive community activities. Each individual brings such a wide array of skills, interests, talent and passions that has truly supported our mission.

Our dedicated staff, amazing volunteers, and active board are wonderful. But I am so honored to also have this experience of working with the AmeriCorps volunteers. Although these volunteers typically work with an organization for one year, their contributions are long lasting. Our current AmeriCorps volunteers work in youth, community outreach, volunteer services and mediation services. So much of what we offer our community could not be done without their support. Many of our current staff directors started as AmeriCorps and are by far the most dedicated talented individuals I have ever worked with. The majority of AmeriCorps volunteers, however, move on to graduate school, law school and other service positions, continuing to serve their communities.

We benefit from their service and once their year is done, they are advocates in the community for conflict resolution. Everyone wins from this partnership. So I thank our AmeriCorps volunteers, past and present. It is hard to see you leave but know that your contributions to the Community Mediation Center are so appreciated. You truly have made a difference in our lives and our community..

-Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

New Steps

I have always been taught to see my life as consecutive steps that lead to some magical destiny that I haven’t quite figured out yet. From going to elementary school through high school and being on honor roll every year which ultimately leads to college scholarships and awards. Then finding that special someone which leads to an engagement, marriage, buying a house, cars, and children (haven’t gotten there yet). Ultimately all the decisions and experiences one has in life lead to independence from family and in the words of my mother "officially becoming an adult and leading a life worth remembering".

I just started with the CMC about a month ago now after finishing my undergraduate degree. I have met a lot of diverse, and in the words of some mediators, “different kinds of people”. I have also learned what makes people diverse and different and how our differences and skills, make for a wonderful learning experience. It is for this reason that I hope that my experience here at the CMC will be a great step in my stairway to that “magical destiny”.

-Chaniece Winfield

Family Mediation

I am certified to mediate general and family cases, but for some reason prefer to work with families which is a good thing, because I am using all my mediation skills right now to help my own family through a crisis.

My mother is dealing with some major health issues and is now in a rehabilitation center receiving treatment until she is strong enough to return home. She is not happy about it and now is in the denial (I want to go home!) and anger (It's all your fault!) stages. I just let the anger and angry things she says wash over me without responding to them. It's like I'm listening to one client venting at another client in mediation, knowing eventually we'll get down to some story telling and generating options. I can detatch during those moments and give her permission to be angry, knowing it's not really about me.

All of the siblings are under stress and my brother and sister know all of each other's hot buttons. There are long standing issues that probably will never be fully settled. The emergency room and hospital are not places to be visiting those issues (handling money, who got what for their birthday and a host of other annoyances). Now I find my self being neutral, reframing and asking open ended questions. This is not a time to judge either of them as at fault. From time to time I actually do some caucasing, speaking to each of them individually.

The latest issue of contention has been about visiting mom. ("I work!" "I work, too, and I've already missed some shifts!") Finally, I was able to help them agree to go whenever they could, and not argue about who was there the most or least.

Hopefully, we will all get through this and my mom will be home with her cat, which she also misses.

Mediation can be rewarding, especially when I can help clients resolve their differences. Mediation skills can be used outside of mediations; in this case, they are survival skills which I can employ to help everyone cooperate and work together to achieve our goal---help mom recover.

Chuck Hardwick

‘God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much.’

Before I started at the Community Mediation Center I used to think I was a good listener. When a friend had a problem or a co-worker was dealing with a difficult issue I was always on hand to listen and offer my opinion. But recently I’ve come to realize I’m not really a good listener. I do a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening.

So now you may be wondering, “What’s the difference between hearing and listening?” Well, we hear a dog barking, we hear the buzz of a summer cicada, and we hear the next-door neighbor’s lawnmower. But listening requires both hearing and processing what we hear.

Often times when we are “listening” to our friend/co-worker/spouse talk about their troubles we are thinking of a solution to offer them. Or we are thinking ahead of what the person is saying – rehearsing what you are going to say, or rewinding in your head what you’ve already said and wishing you had said it differently. And in today’s hectic world, we are distracted by the appointments we have to keep, the errands we have to run, and the bills that have to be paid. All of these situations keep us from listening effectively.

Just think of everything you could be missing because you were only hearing what that other person had to say and not listening to them.

-Diane Arnold