Using Mediation in Mob Wars

The Sopranos, a TV show about a dysfunctional mob family, recently aired its final episode. One of the story lines found in recent episodes is the increasing tension between Tony Soprano and Phil, a rival mob boss. At the climax of the storyline, Phil has had enough of Tony's "disrespect" and orders his thugs to take out Tony and his guys. In the second to last episode, guns blaze, bodies fall and it's wall to wall blood for an hour. When the episode ends, Tony has been fired by his shrink, most of his main guys are dead, along with various others, and he and what's left of his gang are holed up in a house, heavily armed.

I waited in anticipation for the final episode, wondering who would survive. When it finally aired, nothing happened for the first 20 minutes. Then, in the middle of a mob war, a mediation breaks out. Well, no one called it a mediation, but it sure looked like one. Tony and Phil's main guy, Butch, are talking on the phone. Butch wants to make peace, but Phil has already rejected the idea and rebuked Butch for not getting to Tony first. Tony and Butch talk about a neutral location. Sound familiar? It also has to be safe, everyone is frisked for weapons before the parties sit down in a cold factory. Bottled water is provided (that's a little different from the Center, as we draw water from a tap in the kitchen.)

"This has gone too far. It's time for a change," says Butch. Okay, that's about as close to an apology as you'll get from mobsters. Tony accepts the offer for a change, but he's still concerned about Phil and wants Phil's guys to do something about it. "We can't go there" responds Butch, "Do what you have to do." Tony brings up another issue: how to make up his sister's loss after her husband (Tony's brother-in-law) got whacked in a toy store. "Come on, it's my sister we're talking about here. She has to be taken care of." Phil's main guy pauses, then says, "We'll come up with a number." Everyone shakes hands because it has become a win-win situation. Tony moves his family back into their home.

The only loser is Phil, who gets whacked while standing in a gas station, waving goodbye to his grandchildren, strapped in car seats in the back of his SUV. Phil's wife gets out of the vehicle and rushes to her husband, even as the shooter is putting another bullet into Phil's chest. The SUV is still in gear and slowly rolls forward, crushing Phil's head. The producers don't actually show the head-crushing, but the sound effects are wonderful.

The lesson: Phil should have gone to mediation, instead of insisting on sticking with his position of wanting to wipe out Tony. When mobsters mediate, they find a peaceful solution. Too bad, Phil. You lose.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Mediator Tips
Measurements of Workplace Conflict Management Systems

Many workplaces are starting to develop conflict management systems for their employees as a way of developing productive business relationships. These systems can include mediation, training, and other methods that teach individuals how to solve problems without resorting to violence, name-calling, or disruptive behavior. The book Workplaces that Work provides a system – which is called the Donais Fairness Theory – to measure the effectiveness and fairness of a workplace system by using 4 quotients.

The first quotient is the justice quotient. The justice quotient measures how well the system implements its programs, and the equality with which they are used. This includes making sure that all participants are heard, informing everyone of their legal rights, is independent from manipulation, and whether it results in enforceable solutions.

The second quotient is the efficiency quotient. This measures how smoothly the system is run. In doing so, several factors are primarily taken into account: these include Interest, Alternatives, Self-Help, Cost, Flexibility, Education and Timeliness. A program with a good efficiency quotient will allow employees and managers to craft goof solutions, will be cost effective, and will have numerous alternative ways of solving conflict.

The third quotient is the engagement quotient. This measures the participation level in the program. Obviously, a system no one engages with is pointless as it does not help anyone. Measuring engagement includes looking at how well a conflict management system encourages participation from employees.

The fourth quotient is the resource quotient. This measures how well a program utilizes its resources to construct a better program. If a program is set up but receives no funding or support from the company, it is not utilizing its resources effectively. Measurements also include how good the programs’ facilities are and the qualifications of support staff.

The book Workplaces that Work discusses in detail these measurements and provides operational definitions for them so that they can be accurately assessed. You can also find out more by reading this article: How Fair Is Your Conflict Management System?.

There’s Another Way

People are always complaining about how rude people are. There is a sense of meanness and irritability in our culture. It’s everywhere -- TV or radio talk shows, “news” commentaries, 24-hour “news”, reality TV, tabloids, popular music. We watch in smug satisfaction at the real world soap opera of celebrities. We’re ready to dehumanize groups of people, such as immigrants – legal or illegal – because of some perceived “wrong” they are doing to us.

OK, so what does this have to do with conflict resolution? Good question.

It was the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech and the round-the-clock news coverage that brought this whole issue into focus for me. I, like everyone else, watched in horror that first evening. I turned off some of the coverage, such as the cell phone tape of the sounds of shots being fired, especially when it was played over and over again. I was appalled a few days later when the video of the very, very troubled young man who shot the students and faculty at Tech was shown continuously it seems.

During that first night of coverage, when news reporters were trying to find anyone to talk to, I listened to the questions they were asking the shell-shocked Tech students. As a mediator, trainer of mediators and a 70s graduate of the journalism school at the University of Maryland, I was incensed to see the reporters escalating the tense situations by trying to “stir things up.” Questions designed to get people angry – to inflame the situation to make a “good story”.

Ironically, I was co-teaching a basic mediation course at the time of the Tech shootings. While the media, commentators and political pundits were using inflammatory language to escalate an already tragic situation, I was busy teaching people how to use words to DE-ESCALATE conflict situations. When a person is in conflict, they want to be “heard”, to be listened to. So they tell their “story” which is an account of what happened from their perspective. The key to feeling “heard” for people is to acknowledge what they are feeling along with the content of what they are saying. When people hear that acknowledgement, they can begin to let go of that anger.

However these same tools can be used to escalate conflict by using volatile words that stir up a person’s already whirling emotions. It is a fine line we all walk but an important and critical one in reducing conflict.

Let’s take a step back to a calmer and gentler America. If someone is trying to escalate a conflict you are in with volatile words, just say no and walk away. It might feel like you are loosing but you are truly winning.

Karen Richards
Ex-Interim Executive Director

ADR Goes Online

There is a plethora of mediation materials out there in book, audio, and video format, but they can be hard to find unless one knows what they are looking for. How could we in the mediation world make it easier for others to learn more about issues relating to conflict resolution and violence prevention? A project attempting to answer this question has been long in the works, but now it is available to everyone.

Recently a catalog of books and other media relating to mediation, negotiation, facilitation, conflict resolution, violence prevention, and peace-building has been added to the Community Mediation Center’s website. Anyone wishing to read up on topics covered in the ADR world can visit the site and buy the books through Amazon.com.

Additionally, any books, CD’s, or videos bought through the website will have a portion of their cost go to the Community Mediation Center’s youth and mediation programs.

Do you have a suggestion for a book you want to see offered? E-mail or write the Center with your request and it will be added to the list.

P.S. In addition to media related to mediation, bestsellers are also being offered. You can even pre-order the next Harry Potter book.

CMC Store Manager

Mediator Tips
Identifying and Understanding Domestic Violence

Note: This tip covers some of the basics of how domestic violence is dealt with in mediation. The Community Mediation Center has an entire class devoted to Domestic Violence and Mediation. It is required for anyone who wants to become a family mediator, but anyone interested in the topic is encouraged to take it for a more detailed explanation of how domestic violence works in mediation.

Domestic violence can be difficult to spot because of the strong tendency to keep it secret or rationalize the behavior as normal. As a result, the mediator must be attentive for signs of it during the mediation so that the parties – and if necessary other parties like counselors or the courts – can be made aware of it. According to Anita Vestal in her article “Domestic Violence and Mediation: Concerns and Recommendations,” domestic violence is usually divided into three types: physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse. While the first two are generally easy to define, and thus recognize when it is brought up in a mediation, the third is harder. Examples of psychological abuse include:

• Threats and Intimidation: these include threats to take the children away, destroy someone financially, attempts to coerce someone into illegal activity, displaying or threatening with weapons, etc.


• Using Economic Resources: such forms of abuse include unilaterally maintaining exclusive access to cash, credit cards, bank accounts, accruing debt in the partner’s name, and withholding child support payments.


• Stalking: such forms of abuse include repeatedly sending letters, appearing at someone’s work or home, and incessant phone calls that carry the message of intimidation.

Not every case of domestic violence can be handled by mediation, and several tests have developed to determine whether a case involving domestic violence can be mediated. These include phone interviews, preliminary screening, and questionnaires such as the Tolman Screening Model (developed by Richard Tolman) or Conflict Assessment Protocol (developed by Linda Girdner). However, one way to help a case proceed with mediation is to have the parties agree to a couple ground rules. Anita Vestal recommends the following ground rules that both parties need to agree to:

• Acknowledgment of past abuse


• Encouragement of the abused partner to pursue an order for protection


• Requiring and monitoring attendance at anger management classes or therapy for the abuser


• Requiring and monitoring the participation of the abused partner in services for battered women or therapy for the abused partner

Anita Vestal admits that a couple of factors may make a domestic violence case unsuitable for mediation. She identifies these factors as:

• Abusers who seem to have a need to control the abused partner


• An abuser who is easily frustrated by the idea of not getting all that he wants


• An abuser who accepts no responsibility for the abuse


• An abused partner who discloses that she has been abused, but does not want it revealed to the abuser


• Patterns of psychological abuse (with or without physical abuse) that has led to a situation where the abused partner identifies with the abuser's needs as primary and necessary for her survival

Ultimately the issue of domestic violence is a tricky issue with no easy answers. In order to deal with domestic abuse a mediator must have significant training and an ability to control power dynamics. A lot will come down to the mediator’s intuition and what he or she feels they can handle.

2007 Golf Tournament Summary

The Community Mediation Center held its annual golf tournament yesterday, on May 24, 2007. For those of you who weren’t there, here’s a rundown on what happened:

Center staff and volunteers started arriving at the course around 10am to set up for the tournament. This included setting out the signs for tee sponsors, 50/50 raffle tickets, silent auction, and the gifts for the raffle. Registration started at 11am, although most of the players didn’t arrive until noon. After arriving, the players were given a goodie bag with snacks, coupons, a calculator, mints, and some other items and had the chance to purchase 50/50 or regular raffle tickets. After having a lunch consisting of hot dogs, the players went to their carts and headed off for their starting holes.

As it turned out, the weather was perfect for golfing, as well as enjoying snacks of peanuts and beer. Center volunteers were kept busy refilling the kegs and bringing other snacks to golfers around the course. No major problems came up during the tournament, and players starting arriving back at the clubhouse around 5:30pm. After milling around for a while – and buying some more tickets – a dinner was served consisting of bar-b-que, fried beans, and potatoes. While the players were eating the final scores were announced, the winners of the silent auction were able to claim their prizes, and the raffle ceremony was held. Several people got to take home some major prizes, including a dinner for 12 by the gourmet gang, an iPod shuffle, and one complementary one night stay for two at the Crowne Plaza Williamsburg at Fort Magruder. The raffle ceremony constituted the end of the golf tournament, and after it was over the players left for home.

If you want to know more, visit this site in the near future for tournament results and pictures of the event.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Mediator Tips
Issues of Trust

As any good mediator knows, people in conflict are rarely clashing over the subject matter of that dispute alone; their interests are a large part of the dispute as well. Unfortunately, a dispute will often lead to feelings of mistrust between the two parties as they will each feel as though the other person is acting in a mean or deceitful way (especially if the dispute is over a contract that was broken). Building back trust is an important part of getting the parties to reach a resolution. Unfortunately there is no formula for building back trust, but a good understanding of the types of trust-based conflicts people have may help in figuring out the right way to approach the issue. Steven L. Schwartz, the Managing Partner of ADRSolutions, LLC, divides trust-based conflicts into three types: calculus-based, knowledge based, and identification-based.

Calculus-based conflicts generally involve the immediate situation at issue, that is, issues where the parties are focusing on the specifics of a contract breach, for example. In these cases the parties generally do not have a long-standing relationship. In knowledge-based conflicts the parties have a more detailed knowledge of the others’ habits and activities. They are friends or acquaintances that have known each other for a while. When parties in this type of relationship lose each others’ trust, they are losing trust in that person’s qualities and not just their performance. Finally, in identification-based conflicts the parties have deep seated feelings or an intimate relationship that has lasted a long time. A betrayal of trust of this sort is taken very personally by each party, as they end up losing trust in the entire person they are in conflict with, not just an aspect of them. A solution to this type of lack of trust will have to address the deeply felt emotions each party carries.

Learning to identify the type of relationship, and thus level of trust, each party shares may help you discern what path to follow in a mediation to reach a solution.

Learning the subject matter of a dispute:
Upcoming CMC Training in “Foundations of Mediating Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) Disputes”

Among members of the mediation community there has been a continuing debate about whether or not a mediator needs a certain degree of expertise in the subject matter at the heart of a dispute being mediated to successfully mediate, or is just skill in mediation enough? For example, is it better when mediating an EEO dispute to know about EEO laws or when dealing with construction mediations to know about the elements of construction?

The mediation purists argue that the mediation process is the same no matter what the dispute is about so there is no need for additional subject-matter expertise. Besides, they remind us that since mediators don’t give legal advice all they need is mediation skill. There are others, myself included, who believe that in certain types of disputes it helps to have some knowledge of the subject matter.

During my 32-years of Federal government civilian service I spent the majority of time as an EEO Manager, Discrimination Complaint Manager, and Mediator. In designing mediation programs as part of the discrimination complaint process, I always relied on outside neutrals who not only were skilled as mediators, but also were knowledgeable in EEO and Federal government human resources. The benefits of this were multi-fold: 1. The mediators were better able to reality test with participants if they understood EEO laws, complaint processes, and Federal government civil service rules; 2. By understanding the complaint process, including applicable timeframes, mediators understood the constraints in which they were operating; 3. The mediators could use appropriate jargon with the participants, which gives the participants a high comfort level that the mediator was really listening to and understanding their issues; 4. Mediators understood better what must appear in a settlement agreement—and what couldn’t; and 5. Perhaps most importantly, this subject-matter knowledge let the mediators know what they didn’t know and when to seek outside expertise.

Following along with this thinking, the Community Mediation Center will be offering a 4-hour training class on Saturday, August 18, 2007, from 9:00 a.m.-1:00 pm in “Foundations of Mediating Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) Disputes.” The cost of the training is $95, and will provide an overview of employment discrimination, Federal and State discrimination laws and complaint processes, and components of mediating EEO disputes. Visit our website at www.ConflictCrushers.org to register on-line for this course, or any of our other training opportunities.

Leslie Tourigny
Mediation Liaison and AMERICORPS Member

Trainee Tips
Things to consider when taking basic mediation training

There is no national standard for mediation training, so it is important when considering whether or not you want to become certified the quality of the general mediation class. Diane Levin, in an article titled "What to look for in a basic mediation training", offers these suggestions. The first is to figure out what the certification requirements in your state are, as they differ depending on your location. A training director should be familiar with these. Next, ask about the training class itself. What type of mediation process does it teach (facilitative, transformative, or evaluative)? Does the class have activities such as practice mediations or is it all lecture? What ethical quidelines will be taught? Which materials will students use? All of these questions are important.

It is also worth looking into what kind of trainer is teaching the class. Ask about the trainer's background, including what type of cases they have mediated, their experience as a trainer, how long they have been mediating, and how many people they have trained. The trainer should be connected to the conflict resolution world and dedicated to the principles behind mediation.

Finally, figure out what you can do after the training. Some organizations allow trainees to keep involved by providing mediation opportunities to complete the certification process and can give some advice about making a living as a mediator. Ask the training coordinator about what the training organization offers post-training.

Once you collect all this data, use it to make sure that this training offers what you want it to. Here is the article: http://www.mediate.com/articles/levinD1.cfm.

How to prepare for a mediation session

Mediation is a process where a neutral third party person facilitates a conversation amongst two or more people whereby the participants work together to resolve details to their dispute. If you’re participating in a mediation session, consider doing some preparation.

First, think about your position. A position is what you want. It might sounds like, “I want him fired”, “I want full custody”, or “I want $1,000”.

Second, think about your interests. An interest is why you want what you want. Why do you think full custody, or $1,000 sounds like the best option for you. What underlying concerns or issues are there, underneath your position? For example, you may want $1,000 (position) and you may want it so you can afford to have the work redone. So, having the work done properly is your interest and one way to achieve that is to have the business pay for the work.

Third, consider alternative options based on your interests. Following along the above example, if your interest is to have the work done properly another option might be to have the company re-do the work, they could do work on another part of your house for free, they could teach you to do it yourself, they could charge you only for supplies and not for labor (or vice versa) on the second job. When you work from interests there are many, many options, as opposed to when you work from positions where there is seemingly only one answer to the problem.

Finally, consider the details. When does this need to be done, how will it get done, and what are the other terms to the agreement? Make a Plan B – what if the plan doesn’t go as followed? What are all the possible problems (weather, illness, bankruptcy, etc.) and how will we address them IF they come up?

Remember, think of mediation as a conversation. The best thing you can do to be prepared is to practice the conversation on your own before you come to the table. Get clear on what is really important to you, and develop criteria so you know when you’ve reached an acceptable win-win resolution.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Responding to Concerns about Mediation

Because mediation is not as readily understood as litigation or even negotiation, it is understandable that clients often have concerns about the efficacy and value of mediation. Sometimes mediation seems like just another step in the legal process that only serves to delay getting a decision, or that it is a trick by one side of the disagreement to get what is owed to the other side. A mediator can convince more parties to attend mediation by responding to these concerns.

When asked whether mediation is any different from court, the obvious answer is that mediators don’t represent any side but are neutral facilitators. This is the point to stress, as the adversarial approach to litigation has become so ingrained into our culture’s psyche that alternatives are rarely, if ever, noticed. Mediation is also different than court because it allows clients to control the process themselves. They decide how much they want to discuss, they come up with the agreement, and they generate the options. If these two points are understood, it does not matter how much they know about the mediation process or how long mediation takes (although they might want to know that later), it is likely that they will be sold on mediation as a concept.

If asked about whether mediation works, and is worth the time, probably the best answer is to mention the success rate of about 90% and how even those who did not reach an agreement felt that mediation was useful. It would also be useful to mention how mediation does not require anything from the participant save his or her time. Given that participants can go to court if mediation does not work out, one has every reason to try mediation, especially if reaching a solution is what is most important.

Certain caveats do apply to mediation, such as the mediator being unable to give legal advice, but those can be covered before mediation begins. The benefits of mediation definitely outweigh the negatives, and by emphasizing the points above, it is likely that most people will agree.

Mediator Tips
The 80/20 Rule

An understanding of the 80/20 rule can help you to avoid frustrations in a mediation when it seems as though the parties aren't making any progress. Basically, the rule says that 80% of the progress the parties will eventually make occurs within the last 20% of the process. The majority of mediation, even when you get past the introduction and storytelling phases, will be dedicated more towards framing the issues and getting a better understanding of the disputed facts in the case. While it may seem obvious that progress occurs at the end, you will be surprised at how often a mediation will follow the 80/20 rule. The point is that you can't expect there to be a gradual progression towards the end agreement, but should focus more on facilitating the discussion. As the Center teaches, a good mediation will often follow the Transformative approach, where the solution will follow naturally from the discussion, especially when the parties see the point of view of the other. Try going into a mediation keeping the 80/20 rule in mind and see how that affects both your mediation style and opinion of how well a mediation is going.

Mediating to create positive change

Gandhi has said that, “we must be the change that we want to see in the world.” This is one of my favorite quotes because it holds such a true statement. We often hear people talk about what they do or don’t like in the world but very rarely are they willing to step up to the plate to institute change. However, creating change can happen on several levels; even if you cannot create sweeping changes, it is always possible to try and have a positive impact in someone’s life. Working at the Community Mediation Center I have found out that mediation is a great opportunity to help someone change something in their life that they are not happy with or have been struggling with for awhile.

Being a mediator involves helping people to resolve conflicts between themselves without getting the court involved. Mediation gives people an opportunity to handle their misunderstanding themselves and to hear each other out. Granted not all situations are meant for mediation, but many can be resolved outside of the courts. A mediator is more than just a referee; he or she is a problem solver, motivator, and a good listener. With our changing political and social environment in society it is important to make positive changes in our lives as well as others.

My time at the Community Mediation Center so far has been a life changing experience. You never realize how nice life can be until you hear the stories and struggles of people at the Center or General District Court. Being able to help people come to a mutual agreement to work out their differences is the awesome tool and secret to mediation. Mediation has been around for years and is a great tool for families or people who may not be able to afford lawyers or take time off of work to come together and work out their problems.

Veronica Hill
Training and Youth Coordinator

Mediator Tips

Practice Your Skills Online

Technology moves fast these days, and it is important for mediators to try and keep up. As part of the ongoing endeavour to put mediation materials online (on Mediate.com and other ADR websites), tools for honing your mediator skills have found their way onto the Internet as well. The following are two games which have been put on the web that, while made primarily for entertainment value, attempt to give one practice using common mediation and negotiation skills. Try them out for yourself; who knows, you might even learn a thing or two.

Note: You must have Adobe Flash Player installed on your computer for these games to work.

Move or die

Angry Neighbors

Mediation extends beyond the Center's walls

Sometimes it is difficult for me to shut the mediator brain off. Recently I was having brunch with my best friend and he was venting to me about his relationship. He has been with the same person for the past five years and has never really been happy. We have had the same venting session every three months for the past five years. I always ask him why he stays and never can really tell me. Finally, this brunch I decided to open a can of mediation on him.

I asked him what his relationship goals are. He told me and I asked if what he is currently doing as far as relationships go is helping him achieve those goals. He said no. So, I asked, what are some ways you can achieve your relationship goals? He told me it would be to leave his current partner. I asked if there were any other options that included staying with his partner, including couples therapy, etc. No, he didn’t see any other options. He was very overwhelmed by the idea of ending and separating five years of life with his partner. So, we took his problem and broke it down into smaller tasks. We listed challenges and ways to overcome those challenges, we came up with next steps, and he actually followed through with them. What he needed to see was that his problem wasn’t as big as he thought it was, and that he could do each of the small steps to help him reach his goal.

I would say this is the heart of mediation. I like mediation because it is creative problem solving. Our clients have this problem that is really big to them. They feel powerless to solve it on their own. We help them look at their goals and how they can reach those goals. We help them take their problem apart and put it back together in a constructive way. It is by recognizing that their problems aren’t too big to solve that our clients are empowered to solve them. To me, a dispute is like any other problem. There is a solution if parties are willing to look for it. As mediators we help them flip the light switch in the dark room, so they can really see what surrounds them. For my friend, he needed to see that all the things he used as excuses to remain unhappy were not so overwhelming if he takes them on one at a time, at the same time he acknowledges that this will be a hard thing to follow through with, but he wants to because it is helping him achieve his goal.

Mandy Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Loose Ethics

Ethical principles are not always a good thing. This is the point made by Robert Benjamin in an article published in ACResolution Magazine back in 2004. Benjamin's thesis is that having too many ethical guidelines end up constraining a mediator more than helping him or her.

Unlike some other professions, a mediator's role is not always to be objective, dispassionate, and neutral. Mediators deal with pragmatic solutions, and if they are to gain the trust of the parties they cannot always afford to be "above the fray". Benjamin feels that the qualities of neutrality and impartiality are only there to cleanse and rehabilitate the image of a mediator. However, in a practical sense they only constrain the mediator.

Parties in a mediation do not always act rationally. Often times the parties are hostile to the mediation process, finding it unnatural or not helpful. Other times they are unwilling to discuss their interests because of some underlying fear. When mediators present themselves as completely dispassionate, they do little to recognize those underlying fears.

According to Benjamin, mediators learn early on that they must use their instincts, wit, and guile to reach a solution. In these cases, reaching a solution may require bending ethical guidelines to some degree.

However, Benjamin does not advocate abandoning all ethical principles. Instead, he presents 4 general rules that are important to follow at all times, but says that within the framework of those 4 mediators should be given some leeway to use their own style to solve conflicts. The 4 principles he mentions are:
1. The prospective mediator shall disclose to the parties any and all contacts or relationships with any of the parties, their associates, families, or organizations of the parties.
2. The mediator shall never make a recommendation or binding decision in a matter without the written agreement of all parties concerned, whether or not there is a standing order by a court or an appointing authority.
3. The mediator shall assure and protect the right of the parties to terminate the mediation process at any point without explanation.
4. The mediator shall not disclose to any third party, courts, judges, attorneys, other appointing authorities any information about the parties, their attitudes, motivations, or actions at any time. The mediator must maintain a primary duty of loyalty to the parties.

To read Benjamin's article, click this link: http://www.mediate.com/articles/benjamin16.cfm

Renewing our commitment to effective communication

With the recent horrifying events at Virginia Tech, I think everyone gets a wake up call. No matter your level of involvement with the campus, whether you know a student or not, everyone suddenly realizes how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. Perhaps you’ve found yourself playing the “what if” game, or maybe you called your friends and family just to say “hi” because you realized it had been too long.

As sad as these killings are, people are already responding personally and in groups in positive ways. Hopefully some have access to support groups driven by facilitated dialogue. Maybe this is an opportunity for others to renew their commitment to non-violence. In fact, this could be the chance for all of us to improve the way we interact with one another, to value the dignity and autonomy of each human being on a daily basis.

The process of effective communication is invaluable when it comes to treasuring human interaction with family members, friends, and even strangers. Honor those people you interact with through positive communication, because it might be your only opportunity to be a light in someone’s life.

Amanda Burabage
Community Outreach Director

Changes

Recently, while rummaging through my garage, I came across a journal I had written in 1987, some 20 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and the early entries were about the pain and turmoil of the end of my marriage. I had moved out of the house in the last weeks of 1986 and was finding the initial adjustment a very difficult process.

By summer, the entries became more positive as I began to re-connect with my children and develop my new role as non-custodial parent. By October, I had met the woman who would be a major part of my life for the next four years. Christmas Eve was actually a joyous event. My children had requested "those little chickens" (Cornish Game Hens) for our holiday dinner. As the little chickens cooked, we decorated my tree. I asked my son to help me with the lights. "I don't know how," he protested. "I'll show you," I replied, "and we'll do it together."

After opening our gifts to each other, the children returned to their mom's house, and I reflected on how much change we had all been through during 1987 and how we all had changed. It was a year of recovery. I was much stronger and more confident in my ability to not only survive, but to thrive both on professional and personal levels.

We don't have to wait 20 years to realize how we have changed. It happens in small ways, every day. I find myself "generating options" when faced with a difficult choice and using my reflecting listening skills in everyday encounters. We do it without realizing it. Later, we ask ourselves, "where did THAT come from?" It comes from the training which we incorporate into our lives, not just in mediations or co-parenting classes. We also help initiate change in others, whether it be youth groups, separating parents or squabbling neighbors. If we plant a seed that sprouts into a change in the lives of others, we have been successful.

I see this in the co-parenting class I teach. One night, a very big, very angry dad came storming through the door, complaining about the courts ordering him there and wondering how he was going to buy groceries the next week because he had to pay for the class. At the end of the class, he shook my hand and thanked me. "I learned a lot tonight," he said. A mom sent me a Christmas card, telling me how much fun the class had been for her. Fun? You don't take the parenting class for fun! I don't set this as a goal for each class, but when it happens, it feels good. We can actually help others make changes in their lives. And they, in turn, change us.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Mediation Tips
Comparing Mediation Styles

The Community Mediation Center uses and teaches the transformative mediation style, as we feel it yields the best results. However, as mediation theory has developed in the past, numerous other styles have been developed. Most people who have taken our training class know something about these other styles, so this will be a refresher for them. If you haven't heard about these other styles, though, check them out. As always, a mediator needs to develop his or her own mediation style over time, which means that some of you may want to include elements of these other styles in your approach. Here is a short summary of each of them.

Facilitative: The most common style in the mediation world, a facilitative mediator asks questions, validates points of view, searches for interests, and helps parties develop solutions. The mediator does not give opinions or advice, but remains neutral. It is interesting to note that this style developed when most mediators were volunteers, and thus not required to have experience on the mediation topic.

Evaluative: An evaluative mediator more readily gives out opinions and evaluations than a facilitative mediator. He or she will intervene in the mediation to point out stregnths or weaknesses in a party's position and explain what will happen if the case should go back to court. Often evaluative mediation is used in issues relating to money, which the mediator should have some experience in dealing with.

Transformative: The transformative approach takes a lot from the facilitative style, including the neutrality of the mediator, encouraging parties to develop their own solutions, and getting at the interests rather than the positions. The difference of the transformative approach is its attempt to empower each party and encouage them to recognize the others' point of view. Communication between both parties is a large part of this process.

Narrative: The narrative style places a lot of emphasis on the storytelling part of the mediation because it assumes that the parties are in conflict because they see themselves from the narrow point of view of their own narrative. The narrative mediator attempts to get the parties to share their story of the conflict and then to view the stories from a distance. The mediator then helps the parties to create a new story that allows for the possibility of a resolution.

There are pluses and minuses to each approach, so a mediator will have to choose based upon which one they think suits them. An article posted on the site www.mediate.com compares the evaluative and transformative approaches to mediation (the two most popular processes). Please read it for some enlightening analysis.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/fosterK1.cfm

How Conflict Can Spread

Conflict is contagious. I say this because recently there was a large conflict brewing in my family that started with just two people and expanded to 10 or more. My sister was in conflict with her boyfriend, the father of her unborn child. That led to conflict between she and I, as my sister, myself, and her boyfriend were all supposed to move into a house together. However, she never moved in so it has been just him and me. She was mad at me for living in the same house with him while she was mad at him, although this living arrangement had been the plan all along.

This conflict also led to conflict between myself and my mother because since my sister was living with my parents it seemed to become an "us against them" situation. Other family members took sides and before we knew it our Sunday lunch was no longer a time for catching up and reflecting on the week with our family, it was a time to talk behind one another’s back over the kitchen sink! Thankfully now the conflict is starting to subside but it is still there.

Do your best to resolve conflict. Think about how your conflict affects others. None of us live in a bubble – our actions affect those around us like ripples in the water.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

Peace is Possible!


At the Taman Safari Zoo in Bogor, Indonesia, a pair of month-old Sumatran tiger twins became friends with a set of young orangutans, an very unusual match that would never occure in their natural jungle habitat. The odd group met while they were sharing a room at the zoo's nursery. All four of the animals were abandoned by their mothers shortly after birth, and have been taking care of each other like brother and sister ever since. Zoo Keeper Sri Suwarni said, "This is unusual and would never happen in the wild. The four have lived side-by-side for a month without a single act of hostility." (To read the whole story: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/28/indonesia.tigers.orangutan.ap/index.html)

This is a sure sign that peace is possible! If these little guys can embrace their differences and learn to love and look after each other, why can't humans? Unfortunately, this cute little bunch will not stay together for long -- as their natural instincts will begin to develop (tigers begin to eat meat at 3 months). It is unrealistic to think that humans could maintain such a odd-coupled relationship, but we CAN learn to embrace our differences, deal with people effectively, solve our own problems and empower others do to the same. TAKE MEDIATION TRAINING, SUPPORT COMMUNITY MEDIATION CENTER -- start now, don't let a one-month animal show you up (although, they are amazing, huh?).



Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Moving to the online world

This blog entry is not going to be a tip in the usual sense of the word, but rather a suggestion for how to improve your skills by making use of the internet. You've probably heard of YouTube, a site which allows individuals to post their own videos to the web to be viewed by everyone. Viewing videos regarding mediation can be a great way to improve your skills by hearing and seeing the perspectives of mediators around the country, and YouTube contains numerous videos about mediation which are free to watch. Among those on the web are people discussing the importance of mediation, example mediations, and discussions with mediation theorists. Over time the Center will hopefully be venturing into this world and posting videos online as well, but until then if you are interested in connecting with mediators outside your area, visiting YouTube may be a way to start that process.

For an example of one of these videos, called "Fighting Fair", click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7sTu7s-8gg

You can reach the YouTube site at www.youtube.com.

Musings from the Executive Director’s Chair

At 8:07 p.m. EDT on Tuesday, March 20, Spring arrived in Hampton Roads. Did you hear it? There was almost a collective sigh as the warm temperatures seemed to be a gift from Mother Nature. However, did you notice the moon that night – only a sliver, a sliver of a smile and, it seems, a wink from the planet shining in the “smiley face”. It was wink and a wry smile as if to tell us that we’re not quite done with winter. The cold temperatures and wind of March 21st were the punctuation to that thought.

Change. It is all around us. It is inevitable. And, just like the weather changes second by second, so do our lives.

The last 6 months have been a time of change for the Community Mediation Center as well. In September we said farewell to Bob Glover, the Center’s Executive Director of more than 8 years. At that time, I took over as Interim Executive Director to provide continuity and stability for the Board and staff while a search was conducted for a new Executive Director. Now, the Center has a new Executive Director, Kim Humphrey, who will move us into the future.

This month is my 14th anniversary with the Center and I have seen many wondrous things both personally and professionally. I have worked with many hundreds of people in conflict over these years and it has been very gratifying.

But it takes a great amount of time and patience to work with individuals, businesses, families, and neighbors who just can’t find a way out of their conflict situation. But when they can, it is a magnificent thing to behold.

It has been a great honor and privilege to serve these last 14 years and I look forward to serving people in conflict for many more years to come.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
Case Study - Terri Schiavo

I'm sure you all know the case of Terri Schiavo and the controversy surrounding her. However, beyond the question of how to determine whether or not she was alive (in the sense of being aware of her surroundings) and who has the right to decide her fate, there is the question of the conflict between her different families. Her husband was adamant that Terri would have wanted to be pulled off life support while her parents were sure that she would not. This would obviously pose some difficult problems for a mediator who attempted to solve this conflict. Douglas Noll, a full time peacemaker and mediator who has mediated over 1,200 cases, has written an article about how he would handle this problem. Click the link below to see what he says.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/noll23.cfm

Spreading Peace Beyond the Center

I had the great fortune to go to a peace protest this past Saturday in Washington DC. Being an advocate for peace and a peace maker doesn’t just extend to my community; I feel it is my duty to promote peace and non-violence whenever possible. There were two things I observed that I think are relevant to my mediation practice.

1) There were protesters protesting our protest. They were really angry and somewhat violent. Some of them pushed us and spit on us. We did not respond at all, we just kept walking. Peace is a choice. We can make the choice to lay down the fight or not engage in the fight. We see this every day in our practices. Some people are not ready to give up the fight. This is fully in their power to do so, they have to be empowered and educated to the point where they realize they don’t have to fight anymore. We were empowered to let the insults and intimidation roll off of us. It is our job as mediators to help people get to the point where they also can be thus empowered.

2) There was a small mini-rally before the march began. As I was listening to the speeches, some of which referenced the protest protesters, the mediator wheels in my head started to grind. I realized the speakers were just re-iterating positions, and our two separate protests were just two positions clashing, not unlike every mediation I’ve been in. I enjoy exercising my freedoms of speech, but I found the rhetoric and propaganda in the protest to be lacking. What would be more helpful in creating a solution to the problem would be an open dialogue that looks at the interests on both sides of the divide.

Really, yelling our positions at each other doesn't create positive change. We need to tell each other why these things are important to us. I think if we looked at interests instead of positions, we would find that our interests aren’t that far apart, it is our positions that divide us. How many times in mediation have we spent hours going around and around only to find that clients really weren’t as far apart as they thought they were? We could have saved our clients a lot of time if we hadn’t chased their positions around and instead asked why is this important to you? I think this is the type of dialogue that needs to occur surrounding the war. We need to figure out why our positions are so important to us, if we can talk about that, maybe we won’t spend so much time chasing positions around while politicians posture and waste time not creating important legislation.

Mandy R. Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Training Tips
Negotiating Styles

Note: This exercise, and the list of negotiating styles that go along with it, comes from the blog Online Guide to Mediation, managed by Diane Levin of the organization Partnering Solutions, LLC.

Just like with conflict styles, different people have different kinds of negotiation styles (in fact, there are probably a number of corollaries between the two categories). Again, none of these styles is wrong or bad, but it can be hard to communicate with one another without knowing each person's styles. Three main types of negotiating styles are persuasion, trickery, or force. Here is an exercise to get people to think about their own type of negotiation style:

1. Give each person a partner. Have each participant stand across from their partner and create a line (using masking tape, string, etc.) between the partners.
2. Tell each person that the aim of the exercise is to get their partner to cross the line. If they do, then they are the winner and will receive a prize.
3. Give the partners a couple of minutes to try and get their partner to cross the line.

Inevitably, the majority of participants will try one or both of the styles above. They may try to convince their partner that they are more deserving of the prize (their partner got a prize earlier, they need money to feed their kids and are planning to sell the prize to get it, etc.), which epitomizes the style of persuasion. They may also try to use trickery by telling their partner that they can split the prize while intending to renege or extending a hand as a sign of good faith and then pulling their partner across. Finally, some use intimidation or force to drag or pull their partner across the line.

Typically, the exercise ends with no one getting the money, the participants splitting the money, or one partner winning everything. The one option that would allow both parties to win, having each partner cross the line to the opposite side, is rarely thought of. The reason for this is the same reason people will often get into conflicts, because they focus on how they can win and how their positions are right. It is assumed that there can only be one winner since that is normally how games are played, so each parties interests are ignored, leaving out the possibility of creating a win-win solution. It is a mindset we should get out of if we want to create the possibility for more mutually beneficial solutions.

Reflective Listening Works!

Recently I had an experience that reinforced how helpful reflective listening is. I was leading a discussion at the Unitarian Church in Norfolk about war profiteering in which several of the participants were very animated, using their time to complain about the state of affairs in the world today and the people they would like to hold accountable.

After the discussion ended, one participant approached me to complain about how I moderated the discussion, saying that I should have kept such "grandstanding" to a minimum. Given that this was the first negative comment I had gotten after three months of leading discussions, I felt it important to understand exactly what his criticism was. I spent about 7 minutes listening to him, pausing only to summarize what he was saying and ask some questions to clarify his interests. As the discussion neared its end, he mentioned how he had planned to not attend another one of these discussions, but because I listened to him, he was reconsidering that position.

Reflecting on this incident later, I realized how much it related to what I have learned at the Center. To some degree I agreed with him about the wastefulness of "grandstanding", but because I tend to approach conflict as an accomodater and compromiser, I let such comments pass and tried to steer the discussion back to more useful topics afterwards. My interlocutor was most likely collaborating or confrontational, and was less willing to put up with such comments. Yet because of reflective listening on my part, I was able to understand his interests and validate his concerns. I hope he decides to join me for the next discussion so that I can try to incorporate his concerns.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Greetings!

I am so happy to be part of the dedicated team at the Community Mediation Center.

As a volunteer for the last few years, I have had the opportunity to work with this amazing staff and team from the volunteer prospective. Their passion and dedication inspired me so much that when the full time opportunity to be part of the team arose, I quickly jumped at the chance.

I have now been at the center for over a week and realize how much they accomplish with such a small staff. This is due also to the great team of volunteers and a dedicated Board. In the past week I have met many of you and look forward to meeting more. I truly want to hear your ideas and thank you personally for all you do for the center.

I want to especially thank Karen Richards for her tremendous patience during my transition. I am learning so much and appreciate her sharing her knowledge and experience about mediation and the center. I know the staff definitely admires and appreciates her. She is a highly respected leader and a true role model for the staff and volunteers.

I look forward to seeing you at the center and encourage those who have not volunteered to mediate for the center in a while to do so. We rely on our volunteers and thank you again for everything you do to so support the Community Mediation Center.

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Role of a Facilitator

A mediator can be considered a facilitator in a mediation, but the skills used in a mediation can be used to facilitate larger meetings like neighborhood open forums and collaborative geto-togethers. However, the role of the facilitator is somewhat different from a mediator in several respects, largely because the focus of the meeting is often different from a mediation. While a mediation tries to reach an agreement between parties in a disagreement, facilitation tries to open a dialogue between a group without necessarily pushing for a resolution. What is similar is having a discussion where issues are raised and ideas are brainstormed. A faciliator helps this dialogue in the following ways:

• Bring focus to the group
• Effect change and improvement through team empowerment
• Encourage team decision making
• Encourage team problem solving
• Work for consensus
• Group dynamics
• Active listening
• Clarifying, sharing, disseminating ifo
• Organize, handle details, closure

Retaining our place at the "mediation table"

A recent article in ACResolution Magazine titled "Ensuring a Place at the Table" mentions CMCs are at risk of losing their place at the mediation table because of their overall lack of continuous improvement. The article goes on to mention that CMCs are the most accurate representation of the mediation profession -- most of the remaining practitioners that offer mediation offer settlement conferences instead of true mediation. The article concludes that this leaves CMCs as the trendsetters and primary indicators of the current health and future sustainability of the mediation field. As a CMC, we have to strive to set the bar of mediation practitioners hign and embrace our trendsetting role by continuing to improve our methods, practices, and standards of mediation. If we can continue to do this successfully, we an be sure that in ten years, we will still have an important place at the mediation table.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Conflict Resolution Tips
14 Ways of Eliminating Tension in the Home

Conflict Resolution skills are useful tools outside of a mediation setting. It is important that we take these skills out into the world if we are going to effect change on a societal level. Here are a couple tips you can use in your home to reduce conflict before it becomes critical.

1. Admit your family is less than perfect. It is unrealistic to expect a family life of complete peace and harmony.
2. Family money problems can be resolved through discussions and compromises between spouses as well as other members of the family unit.
3. The temptation to acquire material things can be minimized if you build warm and loving relationships within your family.
4. Parents cannot always subordinate their own needs to their children's needs.
5. Believe in yourself. The more confident you are, the more effectively you will be able to deal with stress and change in family life.
6. Develop a dialogue with your family - don't debate with them.
7. Live from the present to the past. Don't let past experiences inhibit your enjoyment of the future.
8. Have consistent guidelines for family operations. A family will effectively operate if it has specifically designated goals and encouragement systems.
9. Hold family meetings. Have a dialogue about whatever problems are facing your family before they build up emotions to an explosive peak.
10. Stop comparing yourself and your family members with others.
11. List the things that you are proud of. Make note of the things that distinguish you from others.
12. Learn to express anger constructively. Be careful not to hurt someone or leave and individual feeling angry or resentful.
13. Learn to deal with anger. Listen to others with valid complaints, then try to arrive at a realistic compromise.
14. Keep a list of issues you argue over and arrange the argument generating issues in order of frequency and delicacy.

This list is adapted from the Parent-Teen Mediation Manual put together by the Piedmont Dispute Resolution Center.

Give the process a chance!

I recently led 32 youth in a 2-day, 16 hours, peer mediation training. When we first settled down in the classroom on the first night, I right away noticed two kids in the very back - one with his back to me and the other with his head down on the table. The staff in charge of the kids was very helpful and wanted right away to remove the kids so they wouldn't disrupt the training. They took the kids aside and talked about sending them home. The kids asked to stay...NOW WHAT?

Now, I thought, the real process of change begins! They had made a choice to stay, and that choice had to be recognized! I approached them during our first break, validated their choice to stay, and asked them what their goals were for staying. We talked about their fear to go home and get in trouble for being kicked out. They also wanted to get a certificate of completion. We talked about what it would take for them to accomplish their goal. They brainstormed different ways to behave during the training...does this process sound familiar? Identifying interests, setting goals, brainstorming solutions...

At the end of the training, they were truly the best peer mediators in the class! Trainers should remember that students don't always come to class ready to learn...we often need to help them identify their own interest in the process, before we lose them and their talent!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Director

Mediator Tips
Collaborative Divorce

If you move around inside the Conflict Resolution world for a while, you are bound to hear the term Collaborative Divorce. Many of you probably already know exactly what Collaborative Divorce is, but for those of you who don't, here is a quick summary.

Essentially, Collaborative Divorce is mediation for married couples trying to get a divorce. Just like mediation, it seeks to avoid the legal system by using a model which encourages dialogue and negotiation in order to reach a solution that benefits everyone. Lawyers trained in Collaborative Divorce are hired to facilitate the process. Below is a good description of Collaborative Divorce taken from the Collaborative Divorce Handbook developed by the organization Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings LLC.

Collaborative Divorce is:

• Client centered and non adversarial
• Client controlled
• Based upon active participation
• Based upon constructive communication
• Designed to foster a safe working environment
• Educates the clients
• Focuses on the needs and interests of the clients
• Requires the consent of each client

Collaborative Divorce requires each client sign an agreement that:

• They will not undertake contested court procedure during the Collaboration
• Undertaking any contested court action terminates the Collaboration
• Upon termination of the Collaboration, the aligned Collaborative professionals are prohibited from participating in contested court actions between the participants

The Handbook contains a lot more useful information about Collaborative Divorce. Those interested in learning more would be wise to check it out.

Mediator Tips
Additional Resources

Part of being an effective mediator is keeping up with new developments and techniques in the mediation world. There are several organizations that work specifically within the Alternative Conflict Resolution world, both in Virginia and the nation at large. Keeping in touch with them can help you stay apprised of ways to improve your own mediation skills. Additionally, using these resources can help you network with mediators across the U.S. Below are the names, phone numbers, and websites of several of these organizations.

Association for Conflict Resolution
202-464-9700
www.acrnet.org

Supreme Court of Virginia Department of Dispute Resolution Services
804-786-6455
www.courts.state.va.us/drs/main

Virginia Mediation Network
888-506-4VMN
www.vamediation.org

The Virginia Alternative Dispute Resolution Joint Committee
804-377-8515
www.vba.org/comm/adrjtcom.htm

American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution
202-662-1680
www.abanet.org/dispute/

National Association for Community Mediation
202-667-9700
www.nafcm.org

The outcome isn’t always the most important thing

This might be a surprise, or unbelievable to anyone who has not participated in a mediation session, but mediation clients agree that they are satisfied even when they DON’T reach an agreement. Agreement rates are just one way to measure success in the mediation process. Although 60-80% of people reach agreement at Community Mediation Center (depending on the complexity of the issues), more than 91% report that mediation was helpful.

Case in point – Recently a business owner called and asked for a mediation appointment. He explained that he participated in mediation with a customer a few years ago and so he knew to call. When his original file was pulled we discovered that the agreement he reached wasn’t entirely in his favor. In other words, it was clear from his agreement that he had made some concessions that he originally wasn’t interested in making. After calling him back to confirm his new mediation appointment I asked, what made him willing to try mediation again. He replied that the process was so smooth he couldn’t understand why anyone used the court. In fact, even in making concessions he like he was part of the process and satisfied with the outcome.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Trainer Tips
Study Circles

Study Circles are used in group discussions. While they are not mediations, they are a good place for you to practice your reflective listening skills as a facilitator. The purpose of a study circle is to help individuals gain "ownership" of an issue and empower them to solve the problem. Often the process will involve several study circles being put together over the course of 3 to 6 months. Each session involves the following sections:

• Welcome and introduction
• Ground Rules
• Discussion
• Summary and Common Ground
• Evaluation

Does any of that seem familiar? It should, as it is similar to the way a mediation is run. The main difference, of course, is that study circles are not based on coming to an agreement; they are based upon researching and discussing the issues to raise awareness of the perspectives on it, the problems associated with it, and the ways to move forward. However, just like in mediation, a facilitator must use their reflective listening skills (reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, shifting focus, using silence, and using non-verbal signals). Below are a couple attributes found in a good facilitator:

• Neutrality
• Helpfulness in setting up ground rules and enforcing them
• Asks probing questions
• Helps identify areas of agreement and disagreement
• Appreciate all kinds of people
• Committed to democratic principles

Mediator Tips
Negotiating with Terrorists

An odd title for a mediator tip, I admit. However, it is a particularly relevant topic for this era of terrorism, and thinking about it can provide some insights into how to mediate with people who are normally intractable or who you consider to be morally repulsive.

According to Roger FIsher and William Ury in Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, negotiating with terrorists is generally a desirable path to choose. They claim that even making statements like "We will never negotiate with terrorists!" is technically negotiation inasmuch as you are trying to influence their behavior. However, they say that the more communication there is, the more likely a positive solution will be reached. If issues of personal safety can be resolved, it makes sense to talk with terrorists, as if you have a good case you are more likely to persuade them to come to your position.

Negotiation does not mean giving in; one is not legitimizing kidnapping or other terrorist behavior. But talking may convince a terrorist that they will not receive a ransom and it may also be possible to learn of some legitimate interests they have so a solution can be reached where neither side gives in.

While Fisher and Ury do not recommend talking in every case, they say that it is important to consider the alternative to negotiation. If the alternative is war or some kind of action that could lead to numerous deaths, the question needs to be asked as to whether the costs of the alternative are desireable over negotiation. In fact, they claim, often times war is an act within a negotiation to persuade the other side to give in, albeit a generally inhumane and, in the long term, ineffective tactic.

In conclusion, both Fisher and Ury say that no one is beyond negotiating with. Whether the opposing party is a dictator like Hitler, a religious zeleot like Osama Bin Ladin, or just a disgruntled citizen like those at Waco or Columbine, it is worth considering negotiation as an alternative to violence.

The Egg Story

The co-parenting training class includes a discussion of anger and how anger can cause people to do things they would not normally do. I use the egg story as an example of how people change when anger takes control of their emotions.

It’s about a dad, angry that the divorce is final, angry that his children are no longer in his daily life and angry that he lived in a tiny apartment, while his ex- lived in what had been their 10-room house.

One night, the anger so filled him that he had to do something physical. So he put on his old military field jacket, stopped by the grocery store to buy some eggs and dog treats, and walked the mile into his old neighborhood with the eggs in one large pocket of his jacket and the dog treats in the other pocket.

He knew the neighborhood and the shortcuts and the darkest part of his former yard. Climbing over fences, he moved closer to the house, greeting the dogs and offering treats. He positioned himself in his former yard, listening to the sound of crunching in the yards around him. He threw the first egg and heard a gratifying smack as it hit the house. Then he quickly threw the rest, his heart racing with excitement. The euphoria lasted just a few seconds, and then he realized he had to get out of the area, but he couldn’t run because the dogs would start barking. So he carefully re-traced his route, handing out treats and being as quiet as possible.

Back at his tiny divorce apartment, he waited for a knock on the door. Surely someone had recognized him and called police. No one came. A few weeks later, he had another anger attack and completed another successful egg expedition. And no one knocked on the door.

While buying eggs and dog treats for a third launch, the rational side of his brain overtook the anger side. How stupid he was, his rational side reasoned. The last thing his children needed was to see was him, on the ground outside their house, being handcuffed by police. Surely he didn’t want his ex to his arrest as an example that he was a bad person. And how would an arrest impact on the ability to see his children, even if it was every other weekend.

So the angry dad returned the eggs and dog treats to the shelf and went home. From then on, whenever anger tried to overwhelm him, he got on his bicycle and went for a brisk ride—away from his former neighborhood. The physical exertion released the anger and left him too tired to walk to his target.

I know the details of this dad, because the angry dad was me. For 18 years I kept the secret of the egg attacks from my children. No reason to upset them. Then in October 2005, I had an opportunity to see them all at the same time. The four of us had not been together in nearly two decades. I flew to Seattle and during lunch at the Space Needle, I talked about anger and what it does to people. Then I revealed the secret of the egg story. They howled with laughter. All of them remembered the house being egged. Their mom thought it was neighbors, upset at her for divorcing me. Well, she was partly right. My children said they would not tell their mother who really egged the house. Let her think it was angry neighbors. Whenever I hear about someone injuring or killing others in a blind rage, I think to myself: Thank goodness all I did was egg a house. And I smile.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Tales from the Shopping Zone

As the Holiday shopping season moves towards its frenzied, frantic conclusion, here’s a story that shows the value of communication and conflict resolution skills.

My husband was perusing the aisles of one of our local big box retailers. While surveying some electronic gadgets, his attention was drawn to the employees in that section. It seems someone in the “back” had been trying to reach these employees on the floor via a very quiet telephone. When no one answered, the “walkie-talkie” communication became loud and intense. This was soon followed by the person from the back coming to the employees and loudly berating the one for not answering the phone. Explanations seemed only to escalate the anger and one employee was heard to comment on the sanity of the “yeller” and leave. The other employee, at whom the tirade was directed, noted that the conversation should be moved away from the customers. But this didn’t seem to deter the angered employee who continued until running out of steam.

What was going on here? From my husband’s perspective as the “observer” in this conflict situation, the employee had really “lost it” to the point of reacting inappropriately in front of customers, probably loosing some who don’t like that kind of confrontation.

Certainly, there can be many explanations to why this interaction escalated to this point – what we call the interests (reasons) under the position (the anger at not answering the phone). And in the pressure of the holiday shopping season tempers can be short.

But this situation also shows how building anger manifests in the most inappropriate ways and times. And that people tend to loose all self-awareness when this happens. Folks need to find a way to vent that steam in a positive way.

One tool people can use is I-messaging. In I-messaging, a person takes on the responsibility for the communication and the emotions involved in the situation. In an I-message, the speaker identifies the emotion they are feeling as well as the situation that is upsetting and explains why they are upset. Here’s a possible I-message to the above situation: “I am unhappy (emotion) when no one answers my page (situation) because my supervisor was upset with me for not getting the information to her more quickly (reason).”

So before you head to the “yelling zone”, take a deep breath and think about what you are about to do. Try and I-message and see if you can find your way to the peaceful side of your dispute.

Happy shopping and Happy Holidays!

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Circle Chart

Roger Fisher and William Ury, authors of the book Getting to Yes, recommend using a strategy called the Circle Chart as a way of helping people to brainstorm options during the Generating Options phase. They identify four different types of thinking during this phase that generally occur one after another. The first type of thinking about a particular problem, including the factual situation you dislike. The second type of thinking is descriptive analysis, where you sort the problems into categories and tentatively suggest causes. The third type of thinking involves considering, in general terms, what ought to be done. The fourth type of thinking is identifying some specific and feasible suggestions for action. Fisher and Ury suggest asking yourself the following questions when going through each phase:

1. The Problem

• What's wrong?
• What are the current symptoms?
• What are disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation?

2. Analysis

• Sort symptoms into categories.
• Suggest causes.
• Observe what is lacking.
• Note barriers to resolving the problem.

3. Approaches

• What are possible strategies or prescriptions?
• What are some theoretical cures?
• Generate broad ideas about what might be done.

4. Action Ideas

• What might be done?
• What specific steps might be taken to deal with the problem?

Meditor Tips
Substantive vs. Relationship Issues

To solve disagreements, a good working relationship needs to be established apart from the issues being discussed in the mediation. A poor working relationship with an unfair balance of power tends to lead to one party unnecessarily conceding too much or one side trying to force a concession through threats ("If you really cared for me, you'd do this"). In either case, the problem is unlikely to go away while the bad relationship exists. When considering what is substantive and what is relational, consider the list below.

Substantive Issues
- Terms
- Conditions
- prices
- Dates
- Numbers
- Liabilities

Relationship Issues
- Balance of emotion and reason
- Ease of communication
- Degree of trust and reliability
- Attitude of acceptance or rejection
- Relative emphasis on persuasion or coercion
- Degree of mutual understanding.

To try and build a good relationship by negotiating the relationship. Raise the issue of your concerns about their behavior and discuss it like you would a substantive issue while avoiding judgement. Instead, explain your perceptions and feelings and inquire about theirs; of necessary, come up with some external standards and fair principles to judge behavior. Also, distinguish how you treat them from how they treat you. You should make sure that you are acting fairly even if they aren't; trying to 'teach a lesson' won't solve the problem. A good relationship can be built even if the problem is not solved.

World Demographics

Why is focusing on the underprivileged so important? There are obvious reasons that are continually repeated, such as the right of everyone to have basic human rights. However, it helps to get some perspective from time to time, as the need to pull the underprivileged out of poverty is not only a matter of principle, but a matter of necessity. Consider these facts:

If the world's population could be reduced to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look like this:

• 60 Asians, 12 Europeans, 14 Africans, 8 Latin Americans, 5 US Americans and Canadians
• 49 would be female
• 51 would be male
• 82 would be non-white
• 89 heterosexual
• 11 homosexual
• 33 would be Christian
• 67 would be non-Christian
• 5 would control 32% of the world's entire wealth, and all of them would be US citizens
• 80 would live in substandard housing
• 24 would not have any electricity (and of the 76% that do have electricity, most would only use it for light at night)
• 67 would be unable to read
• Only 1 would have a college education
• 50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply
• 1 would have HIV
• 1 would be near death
• 2 would be near birth
• 7 would have Internet access

Within the context of these statistics, our work and the work of other non-profits/charities could not be more important. If society is to survive in the next century, we are going to need dialogue between the diverse groups above along with a more equitable distribution of wealth and physical necessities. As you do your volunteer and charity work, remember these statistics. I know I will.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Mediator Tips
Standards of Fairness

Standards of fairness will often differ among mediatees. Indeed, it is often this conflicting standards that causes conflict. In a mediation of arbitration, one of the steps you can take to help elicit interests is to make clear what each parties standards are. An example of how standards conflict between parties may have to do with what each party considers just in a conflict over custody. The father may say that each parent should have equal custody over the child since each one makes up 50% of the child's parents. However, the mother may say that she deserves more or full custody because she has spent more time with the child, done more to raise the child, and is more experienced in child care. Making clear these standards can be an important step to getting to an agreement.

However, it is not necessary for the parties to reach a 'best' or 'unified' standard of fairness. To focus on this, and pushing the parties to come up with one, is probably a dead end and will make the parties dig their heels in over their position. Instead, knowing standards is a tool that may help the parties reach an agreement. Understanding and discussing standards may help the parties narrow the range of disagreement and allow the parties to find some common ground to build upon. It may also provide an area that the parties will be willing to compromise on.

As with anything in a mediation, don't press a specific set of standards for the parties to follow. You may suggest some standards for them to consider, but make sure that they both embrace those standards before using them in developing solutions.