Mediation and Dating, Part Two

In my last blog I wrote about dating and the mediator. I recently went out on a date that once again showed me how relevant mediation is to everything.

I met this guy; we really hit it off and decided to go out on a date. We decided to meet at a middle-priced restaurant in an area of town where there really weren't inexpensive choices for dinner. I let him pick the restaurant figuring he would be paying and I didn’t want to pick out a pricey place at his expense. We have dinner – its great. The food is good; the conversation is good, and I’m pretty sure the attraction is there. The bill comes and he asks me, “Do you want me to pay or do you want to split it?” I just looked at him. I had no idea what to say to that. I thought things were going well. I kind stumbled over some words before saying, “Uh, well, if you get dinner, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee.” He seemed very reluctant to pay. We dance around the paying and finally he agrees to pick up the check. I felt so bad about the fact that he didn’t want to pay that I had the waiter split it. He had gone to the bathroom during this exchange and was surprised to see the two checks when he returned. He asked me why I split the checks and I told him it was because he seemed very resistant to paying. I also told him I was confused by that because we seemed to be getting along very well and in my experience you only split the bill if at least one person isn’t feeling the date. He told me he was very much enjoying the date but in his experience you always split the check on the first date. Oh! (forehead smack) Unspoken rules!

Yes, that’s right, unspoken rules almost ruined my date. If I had not expressed how I felt about the check then its possible the date would have ended right after dinner and we would not have talked again. Luckily, we did discuss our own personal dating rules and have since gone out on more great dates.

This instance made me realize how important it is to get clients to reveal their unspoken rules. How many times in mediation have we realized the root conflict stems from different ways of approaching the world and different expectations of behavior that result from having unspoken rules? How many times do conflicts appear to be misunderstandings gone horribly wrong? Too bad we don’t come with manuals.

Mandy Stallings

Feelings of Detachment

I find that I experience feelings of detachment and intrigue when working with a general mediation case and the parties are dealing with working through their interest vs position issues. Yet I find that I have feelings of disappointment, sadness, and disbelief when working with a family mediation case and the parents are not able and/or willing to put their personal interests/positions aside and put what’s best for their child or children as their primary focus!

Lucretha Hyman

Mediator Tips
Dealing with Indefensible Positions

Leo Hura, a commercial mediator and volunteer at the Mid Pacific Mediation Center, has a suggestion about how to handle court cases where it is obvious one party does not have a case.

If you know that one party will obviously lose if they go back into the courtroom, it is useful to try to help that party realize the indefensibility of their position. As a mediated settlement is almost always better than a judgment, even cases like this should be mediated. Hura recommends using separate caucuses where you tell the party that is being unreasonable that not making an offer could be dangerous as they risk not getting anything at all if they go back to court. Hopefully, this will loosen them up a bit.

However, Hura says that this is not the primary purpose of the caucus. He believes that you should find the underlying interest as to their position and try to address that when you go back in. Perhaps the person doesn’t have the money necessary to pay the other party. If that is brought out, perhaps a payment plan could be made that fits both party’s economies.

This is especially important when mediating at court, where the mediations need to be quick to meet the schedule of the court.

All Recertification Credits in a Day

Recently at Community Mediation Center we hosted a Training Bonanza. Sounds like fun, right!?

It’s such an easy way to get all of your recertification credits in one day. Plus, active volunteers at the Center usually get a substantial discount.

It made me start thinking about the recertification process. For anyone who is unsure, recertification is required every two years for Virginia Supreme Court certified mediators. As a mediator, you would take course work in your certification area, an ethics course, and also show evidence that you completed 5 cases or 15 hours of mediation since your certification. It’s a process that some mediators save for the last minute (and I know because I help them register for courses!).

Although sometimes it’s seen as a burden or a pain to stay certified, it has great benefits.

For one, attending something like the training bonanza helps you meet other mediators in the community. Not only might you volunteer as a co-mediator with them some day, you might even develop a friendship! Another benefit is the courses. Always interactive, never dull – the courses are full of new information, techniques, or help you get back to your mediation roots. But the best benefit of all (in my humble opinion) is the learning for your co-classmates… the other mediators. Participating in group discussions, mediator peer consultations, or even just a chat at the water cooler has led to all kinds of interesting topics. It seems like everything from the mundane to the deeply philosophical to the mediating dangerously approach gets covered. There’s nothing like talking shop… especially with our volunteers!

So, why wait for one day every two-years to get all these benefits?! Just because recertification isn’t due for another 730 days doesn’t mean you can’t come in for workshops and cases! Plus, you get a great jump on next year’s requirements.

Hope to see you around (before I flip my calendar to 2008!).

Amanda Burbage
Community Relations Director

International Conflict Resolution Groups

Not too long ago we put up a list of some of the programs in the country at colleges and universities that deal with conflict resolution and global studies relating to peace. Continuing our research in this area, we have also found a number of organizations that deal with conflict resolution on an international scale. For example, the Center for international Conflict Resolution (CICR) is a “network of professionals, scholars, and practitioners contributing to the resolution of international deadly conflict through research, education, and practice.” Organizations like these practice mediation and alternative dispute resolution in a different way that the Community Mediation Center or private mediation firms by working on conflicts on a national or global scale rather than a personal one. They also include people from around the world.

We mention this in order to provide some perspective on the conflict resolution world. It is larger than a number of people generally think, spanning all the continents and working on all types of conflict. In other words, the principles of conflict resolution have universal applicability and cannot be written off as just good advice for your day to day life.

It is also worth noting that because of these types of organizations, individuals who are not interested in mediation on the personal level may still be able to find a role to play in the conflict resolution world. One could carry out research into conflict, prepare reports, work with government agencies, etc. Below is a small sampling of the types of organizations out there. You can also find a comprehensive list of International Conflict Resolution Sources here.

• Carnegie Endowment for International Peace: Conducts studies, discussion, and education in issues of foreign policy as they relate to peace.
• Centre for Conflict Resolution: A UK organization that tries to combine research in peace studies into practical applications for practitioners.
• Conciliation Resources: A group that serves as a resource for community and national groups pursuing conflict resolution initiatives.

The more all of us in the conflict resolution world work together, the more we can accomplish.

CMC Staff

Mediation and Dating

I am a single woman in her late 20’s. My last serious relationship ended about 2 years ago, so after the soul-searching and healing that happens when a potential marriage falls apart, I decided to start dating again. I am also a mediator, and as I have gotten deeper into practice, it has become exceedingly difficult to cut my mediator self off when I’m not working. This is both a blessing and a curse. My friends and family laugh at me, and often go, “Stop mediating me!” In my platonic relationships it is just a funny quirk, but when dating, it can really create some interesting situations.

It is helpful because I can draw people out in conversation. I ask those open-ended questions that allow people to talk about themselves. Sometimes this works against me, like with the guy who talked about himself for 3 hours so loudly I got a headache. Also, I warn men in advance, that I pry into people’s personal lives for a living, so where someone else might ask about their favorite color, I will ask about their childhood. I often start sentences with, “Help me understand….” or “Tell me what that was like for you…” or “Explain to me what you mean by…” Often at the end of a date, I like to clarify next steps (yes, I actually have said that).

Once, I was trying to plan a get together with someone I was seeing, but things just kept falling through. To take the pressure off the situation I said, “My interests are seeing you and getting some exercise, so as long as those interests are met, I’m happy.” If there is a situation that has multiple outcomes that I’m nervous about I have been known to say, “I’m nervous about this, what are the possible outcomes and how do we deal with them?” or I might say, “What would it look like if…” Once I posed that question to someone and he said, “I don’t understand, what you are asking? Don’t understand? Oh no!

When I’m upset with a situation I try to think of the best “I” message to use. My friends have told me, “You just need to be an angry woman, forget this mediation stuff.” My reply is, “But, that wouldn’t solve the problem. I’m interested in creating a dialogue so we can understand each other’s needs, so those needs can be met. Just yelling doesn’t solve anything.” Yeah, it runs deep.

Being an open communicator can backfire. I have a commitment to myself to be as open and honest as possible. I think it is important to be clear about how you feel, your expectations, and also what you need. This tactic doesn’t work with everyone, and it can scare off some men (just try to discuss expectations for communication and time together with someone you’ve just started seeing), but those whom it doesn’t scare off, really seem to appreciate my openness.

Mandy Stallings

Mediator Tips
The Power of Apology

It’s something of a debate in the mediation world about the efficacy of apology in mediation. Does it do anything valuable in helping the parties reach a resolution? How do people react to hearing apologies? Also, what role – if any – does it play in arbitration and litigation?

In litigation, and other parts of our society, apology is seen as an admission of guilt and a weakness. Even when people apologize, the cynicism of others keeps the apology from being accepted, implying that the apology is being made insincerely or for personal gain.

However, in mediation the apology can play a useful role in transforming the relationship between disputants and helping them move towards a resolution. An agreement does not require an apology, but getting to the point where one party realizes the harm or frustration they have done to the other helps in making the parties more agreeable towards brainstorming ideas for a solution. It can also salvage a functioning relationship between the parties instead of having an agreement where each person agrees to go their own way from the other.

Darrell Puls, in his article “Apology: More Power Than We Think,” commends the power of apology but cautions the mediator to realize that what may be a sufficient apology for one person may not be for another. As a result, he comes up with 4 levels of apology to be aware of. If a mediator can figure out what constitutes a sufficient apology for a party he or she can work towards helping the party get to a point of making an apology. Here are the 4 levels:

• The lowest level of apology is a “confession where the perpetrator acknowledges what he or she did.” The perpetrator admits to responsibility for the actions and the harm they caused without expressing remorse.
• The second level of apology combines the first stage with an admittance of remorse. The perpetrator regrets what he or she did.
• The third level of apology combines the first and second levels with a discussion of repentance. The perpetrator says that his or her reflecting on the action has caused him or her to change how they act to keep something like this from happening again.
• The highest level of apology combines the first three levels while adding an element of justice. Not only is the act admitted, regretted, and disavowed, but it becomes a catalyst for doing what is right to fix the problem. The harm caused will be alleviated as much as possible and any reparations will be made.

Apology may not always be possible or even the right way to proceed, but keep it in mind as you proceed in a mediation. It may be the trick you are looking for.

Trainee Tips

Youth Programs

Anyone who has been around the Center in recent weeks has probably seen the numerous boxes of materials we have stored for the youth program we are doing at the Workforce Development Center. The program, which is being done as part of Norfolk's Learn and Earn program, has been a topic for much discussion and planning as we go through putting together the curriculum and arranging for guest speakers.

One of the more successful days we had was when we taught about constructive criticism, how to give it and get it. In suggesting how to give it, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Face the person and look him/her in the eyes

- Only give criticism about things a person can change

- Explain why you feel the person should change their behavior

- Explain again if you need to

In discussing how to receive constructive criticism, the reasons we mentioned included:

- Listen carefully to the person

- Ask for more information if you do not understand

- Tell your side and then listen to what the other person has to say

The tip to be found in all of this is: when putting together a program like this, make sure to be clear and engaging. The bullets above were put on a handout given to the kids and were explained in concise, straightforward language. While the kids are there to listen and learn, they will not be interested if your talk resembles a lecture at a biology conference. Additionally, the best presentations had activities and prizes for participation included in them. It's like all the people in the communication field say: remember your audience and tailor your presentation for them.

Why do parents ask for sole custody?

It was brought to my attention recently that on the mediation video that we show potential mediation clients at the Center and at local courts and Social Service agencies, there is a scene where a legal professional is saying that usually when one parent files for sole custody of a child they are often just really angry with the other parent and want to punish them. To some extent I believe that is true. Parents often use their children as a pawn in situations of divorce or separation and try to “one up” the other parent.

However, there are often times as well when one parent truly feels that it is in the child’s best interest to be in their sole legal and physical custody. Maybe it is because the other parent has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse or because that parent is inconsistently in and out of the child’s life. I wonder what percentage of parents waste their time and money in court filing for sole custody just to get back at the other parent and what percentage honestly feel that they are protecting their child in some way from the other parent?

Sara Foote

Continuing your studies in Conflict Resolution

There has been a growing trend in the United States (and several other countries) to offer programs that teach Conflict Resolution in concert with Peace and Global Studies. Numerous colleges and Universities are beginning to offer it as a major while several Universities have also developed graduate programs for people who want to study conflict resolution or peace in a graduate program.

Take for example Earlham College's Peace and Global Studies program. It is an undergraduate program that attempts to help students understand the basics of international relations as well as techniques which can be used on both the local and national level to create positive change in the world. Students even get to practice conflict resolution skills in a classroom environment, learning how to accomodate for gender and racial issues as they do so.

Here are some examples of Conflict Resolution and Global Studies programs across the country:

Earlham College - Peace and Global Studies
Lesley University - Conflict Resolution and Peaceable Schools Specialization
School for International Training - Conflict Transformation
Nova Southeastern University - Conflict Analysis and Resolution
University of Denver - Conflict Resolution
Arcadia University - Peace Studies

For a comprehensive list of all programs in Peace Studies Graduate Programs, visit this site.

CMC Staff

Mediator Tips

Work Relationships and the 4-phase model

For various reasons, work relationships can fall apart. More and more, businesses have been hiring mediators to resolve these disputes in order to try and re-develop a good working relationship between the co-workers while also making sure that both sides are satisfied with the outcome.

Mediators who undertake this task have been known to use the 4-phase model (it is very similar to the model taught by the Center). It works like this:

1. In phase one, the disputants tell their story directly to the mediator. At this point, neither has contact with the other. The mediator uses reflective listening to make the party feel heard and tries to elicit the underlying issues.
2. In phase two, the disputants come face to face and listen to one another (hopefully in a respectful way). This is done to start developing a better relationship between the parties by helping each understand the other.
3. In phase three, the mediator summarizes the perspectives. He helps to let the parties realize the new relationship they have built.
4. In phase four, the disputants try to reach a resolution through brainstorming.

Mediator Tips

Parables of Mediation

There are many great stories that illustrate the fundamental principles and value of mediation. One that we tell in our training which reveals the difference between interests and positions is about a librarian who comes across two people bickering about whether or not to have the window open. She asks the first one why he wants the window open, and he says "Because it's hot." She asks the second one why he wants it closed, and he says "To avoid a draft." The librarian thinks for a moment, and then goes into the next room to open the window in there. Returning to the table where the men sit, she says "Now both of your problems have been solved."

Different cultures have developed parables and tales that illustrate other valuable aspects of mediation. I want to share two with you. The first one is about how people who stick to incorrect assumptions in the face of facts often find themselves in trouble. Here it is:

"An old Chinese tale tells of the same advice given by two different men after the wall of his home was damaged by heavy rains. His neighbor advised him to repair the wall quickly in order to protect himself from thieves who might come in the night. He suspected his neighbor’s motives and failed to make the necessary preparations. Later, his son gave him the same warning, whereupon he took the advice but could not complete the job before nightfall. When thieves did come in the night, the rich man continued to suspect his neighbor’s motives but concluded that his son had indeed been smart. "

The second discusses how sticking to assumptions can blind you to the facts. Here it is:

"Another Chinese story tells of a man who lost his axe and insisted that his neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior identified him as the thief. The man subsequently found his axe buried under dirt in his own cellar. And when he next saw his neighbor, there was nothing different about the neighbor’s speech, dress and behavior. "

Not surprisingly, the principles of mediation have been shared by even ancient civilizations.

The more things change, the more the stay the same

Unfortunately, I will be leaving the Community Mediation Center at the end of August to begin the next stage in my career, a Masters program in philosophy at Boston College. I was in Boston last week preparing for my move by trying to line up a job to help pay for my program. When I got up there and started to attend a couple job interviews, I quickly realized that while I won’t be working in the conflict resolution field anymore, I certainly won’t be leaving the skills I learned behind.

A good example of this occurred during my Museum of Science interview. I interviewed a position as a Camp-In Instructor, which called for me to do a short presentation to demonstrate my public speaking skills. I quickly decided to do it on mediation, and I spent the night before the presentation preparing slides and handouts for the audience.

When I got to the interview, I spent a short time discussing my qualifications for the job and answering some questions they had for me. Answering the questions required me to use some of my reflective listening skills as I had to get to the interests behind the questions they asked. For example, when they asked what type of presentation I would do if I received the job, part of what they wanted to know if how I would handle the kids. Instead of only discussing the content of the presentation would put together, I talked about how I would make it interactive and concentrate on trying to get the kids to learn only a few main points. After all, the kids who come to the museum should enjoy their time more than anything else.

Once the first part was over, I did my presentation. I covered the basics of what conflict is, how people use stories to organize their lives, and talked about how to use “I” messaging and reflective listening. I also included some interactive activities to get audience participation.

In the end I think it went well. I won’t hear from them for a while as they have to interview others, but I am thankful that I had my CR skills to help me through the interview.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Bringing Conflict Resolution to Your Everyday Life

As someone who truly takes communication and conflict resolution to heart, I have applied mediation skills in all aspects of my life. Whether it be family, friends, co-workers, school-mates, or strangers – I’m always finding ways to use mediation. I use reflective listening, I-messaging, positions and interests, reality testing, and even agreement writing… without the writing on a regular basis. Because of my commitment to effective communication I find that people want to talk to me more & that makes me happy because I like talking back! Plus, I’ve found that I help bring out the best in people. Now, I’m not saying that I’m awesome or anything because EVEYRONE can bring out the best in people through effective communication. So, that’s the moral of this story – help make people successful by being a sounding board, listening empathetically, seeking to understand their true feelings and needs, stop trying to resolve everything… the list goes on and on. Not only do you help them, you help yourself practice the skills and gain a few friends in the process!

Amanda Burbage

Community Relations Director

Mediator Tips

Responding to Negotiation Tactics

Last week the most common negotiation tactics were presented along with a short description of what each meant. Though most people going through a mediation aren’t trained as negotiators and don’t know those tactics by name, everyone practices these tricks at some point or another. Imagine a kid who wants to stay up past his or her bedtime. He or she may use the “stalling” tactic by refusing to go to bed willingly until the adult watching him or her makes a concession (letting the child watch one last TV show, giving them extra dessert, etc.). As we all grow up we learn what actions engender desirable results and incorporate them into our behavior. Once these tactics are realized for what they are, however, the mediator can take constructive action to keep them from impeding an agreement.

When a mediator sees one of the common negotiation tactics being used, he or she should identify it in order to remain patient and self-controlled. Parties in mediation use these tactics to elicit some kind of response, forcing the other party into an awkward position by having to reveal something or change their position. To keep from becoming a victim of such a tactic the mediator must remain calm and neutral. If one person uses the “flinch” tactic the mediator should refrain from flinching as well. Instead, probe into what made the party flinch and the interests behind that.

Another way to offset the effect of these tactics is to use your knowledge of them to prevent them from having a devastating impact. At different points in the mediation process certain tactics can have a negligible effect while at other points that same tactic could bring the mediation to a halt. If you know that a threat at some part of the mediation could put an end to any further talking, take advantage of this knowledge to keep the parties in a stance that prevents the opportunities for threats from emerging (perhaps by strictly limiting talking back and forth between parties instead of talking to the mediator). If it is very important, you may even want to talk to the parties in a caucus to point out the effect a threat could have.

As with most things relating to human interactions, only very general rules can be divined. More often than not, deciding your actions requires understanding the context in which the interaction is occurring. Keeping the negotiation tactics in mind, and how you can respond to them, will help you gain a better understanding of the context of the mediation, hopefully increasing your chances of reaching an agreement.

Information about common negotiation tactics and possible mediator responses comes from Norman Page in his article "Mediation: What Should a Mediator Know?"

Mediation Tips
Tactics used by parties in negotiation/mediation

A large part of mediation is negotiation (although negotiation in no way encompasses mediation). As a result, it behooves mediators to know about negotiation in order to use it to your – and thus the parties’ – advantage. As a good mediator knows, parties in a mediation will generally hide their interests behind positions, using certain tactics to allow the power to shift in their direction. Five common tactics used are the threat, the stall, the party initiated caucus, feign inflexibility, and the flinch.

• The threat is an "or else" proposition. A party that uses a threat will try to elicit a certain reaction in the opposing party by threatening a certain action on his/her part (for example, refusing to take part in the mediation). Threats are generally vague to allow for the party to not carry through, although if the threat turns into an action it can end a mediation.
• The stall uses time pressure to lessen the power of the other party. If the interests of one party are time dependant (needing to leave an apartment by a certain date in order to move somewhere else), the other party may waste-time, call for breaks, not focus on the real issue, in the hopes that by using up the time the first party may make larger concessions.
• A party-initiated caucus is a team tactic used when there is more than one individual in a party. After one member of the group offers a concession another member will call a team caucus implying the member made an error. This tactic is intended to add value to the concession which later could be traded for one of value to the team.
• One will feign inflexibility to test the resolve of the other side. One party will refuse to make a concession (perhaps claiming he or her does not have the authority to make the decision) in order to learn about the other party (how inflexible he or she is, how important a concession is to them, etc.). The point of this to shift the balance of power to the first party by increasing his or her knowledge of the other party’s stance.
• The flinch is a nonverbal indicator of pain or surprise. Depending on one party’s stance/position, the other party might flinch to give the impression that what the first party is asking is too much. Examples of flinches include groaning and displays of pain as well as expressions of shock or frustration.

Be aware of these strategies in mediation, because even though it is not technically a negotiation, parties may still make use of these tactics. In some cases, their use may even be unintentional as it has just become a part of how they deal with the other party over time and as a result they have stopped noticing it. Strategies a mediator can use to combat these tactics will be put up in one to two weeks.

Fear vs. Respect

I recently did a 12-week training with kids currently involved in gangs. As a mediator, one of my goals was to help them explore their interests in living the gang lifestyle and hopefully give them the opportunity to find new ways to fulfill those interests.

Our most powerful sessions involved conversations regarding the difference between fear and respect.

The kids were clear about their need for respect. Most of their actions were aimed at getting others to respect them and recognize them as individuals that matter in this world. However, as we explored their actions, they were slowly able to recognize their current belief that fear and respect mean the same thing. Their violent actions led people to clearly fear them, and therefore (they thought) respect them.

Once the kids were able to identify the clear differences between fear and respect, their interests were no longer able to met through their violent acts. It was time to brainstorm new behaviors that would earn them the respect they desired!! It was time to change!!

Andrea Palmisano

Youth Programs Director

Using Mediation in Mob Wars

The Sopranos, a TV show about a dysfunctional mob family, recently aired its final episode. One of the story lines found in recent episodes is the increasing tension between Tony Soprano and Phil, a rival mob boss. At the climax of the storyline, Phil has had enough of Tony's "disrespect" and orders his thugs to take out Tony and his guys. In the second to last episode, guns blaze, bodies fall and it's wall to wall blood for an hour. When the episode ends, Tony has been fired by his shrink, most of his main guys are dead, along with various others, and he and what's left of his gang are holed up in a house, heavily armed.

I waited in anticipation for the final episode, wondering who would survive. When it finally aired, nothing happened for the first 20 minutes. Then, in the middle of a mob war, a mediation breaks out. Well, no one called it a mediation, but it sure looked like one. Tony and Phil's main guy, Butch, are talking on the phone. Butch wants to make peace, but Phil has already rejected the idea and rebuked Butch for not getting to Tony first. Tony and Butch talk about a neutral location. Sound familiar? It also has to be safe, everyone is frisked for weapons before the parties sit down in a cold factory. Bottled water is provided (that's a little different from the Center, as we draw water from a tap in the kitchen.)

"This has gone too far. It's time for a change," says Butch. Okay, that's about as close to an apology as you'll get from mobsters. Tony accepts the offer for a change, but he's still concerned about Phil and wants Phil's guys to do something about it. "We can't go there" responds Butch, "Do what you have to do." Tony brings up another issue: how to make up his sister's loss after her husband (Tony's brother-in-law) got whacked in a toy store. "Come on, it's my sister we're talking about here. She has to be taken care of." Phil's main guy pauses, then says, "We'll come up with a number." Everyone shakes hands because it has become a win-win situation. Tony moves his family back into their home.

The only loser is Phil, who gets whacked while standing in a gas station, waving goodbye to his grandchildren, strapped in car seats in the back of his SUV. Phil's wife gets out of the vehicle and rushes to her husband, even as the shooter is putting another bullet into Phil's chest. The SUV is still in gear and slowly rolls forward, crushing Phil's head. The producers don't actually show the head-crushing, but the sound effects are wonderful.

The lesson: Phil should have gone to mediation, instead of insisting on sticking with his position of wanting to wipe out Tony. When mobsters mediate, they find a peaceful solution. Too bad, Phil. You lose.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Mediator Tips
Measurements of Workplace Conflict Management Systems

Many workplaces are starting to develop conflict management systems for their employees as a way of developing productive business relationships. These systems can include mediation, training, and other methods that teach individuals how to solve problems without resorting to violence, name-calling, or disruptive behavior. The book Workplaces that Work provides a system – which is called the Donais Fairness Theory – to measure the effectiveness and fairness of a workplace system by using 4 quotients.

The first quotient is the justice quotient. The justice quotient measures how well the system implements its programs, and the equality with which they are used. This includes making sure that all participants are heard, informing everyone of their legal rights, is independent from manipulation, and whether it results in enforceable solutions.

The second quotient is the efficiency quotient. This measures how smoothly the system is run. In doing so, several factors are primarily taken into account: these include Interest, Alternatives, Self-Help, Cost, Flexibility, Education and Timeliness. A program with a good efficiency quotient will allow employees and managers to craft goof solutions, will be cost effective, and will have numerous alternative ways of solving conflict.

The third quotient is the engagement quotient. This measures the participation level in the program. Obviously, a system no one engages with is pointless as it does not help anyone. Measuring engagement includes looking at how well a conflict management system encourages participation from employees.

The fourth quotient is the resource quotient. This measures how well a program utilizes its resources to construct a better program. If a program is set up but receives no funding or support from the company, it is not utilizing its resources effectively. Measurements also include how good the programs’ facilities are and the qualifications of support staff.

The book Workplaces that Work discusses in detail these measurements and provides operational definitions for them so that they can be accurately assessed. You can also find out more by reading this article: How Fair Is Your Conflict Management System?.

There’s Another Way

People are always complaining about how rude people are. There is a sense of meanness and irritability in our culture. It’s everywhere -- TV or radio talk shows, “news” commentaries, 24-hour “news”, reality TV, tabloids, popular music. We watch in smug satisfaction at the real world soap opera of celebrities. We’re ready to dehumanize groups of people, such as immigrants – legal or illegal – because of some perceived “wrong” they are doing to us.

OK, so what does this have to do with conflict resolution? Good question.

It was the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech and the round-the-clock news coverage that brought this whole issue into focus for me. I, like everyone else, watched in horror that first evening. I turned off some of the coverage, such as the cell phone tape of the sounds of shots being fired, especially when it was played over and over again. I was appalled a few days later when the video of the very, very troubled young man who shot the students and faculty at Tech was shown continuously it seems.

During that first night of coverage, when news reporters were trying to find anyone to talk to, I listened to the questions they were asking the shell-shocked Tech students. As a mediator, trainer of mediators and a 70s graduate of the journalism school at the University of Maryland, I was incensed to see the reporters escalating the tense situations by trying to “stir things up.” Questions designed to get people angry – to inflame the situation to make a “good story”.

Ironically, I was co-teaching a basic mediation course at the time of the Tech shootings. While the media, commentators and political pundits were using inflammatory language to escalate an already tragic situation, I was busy teaching people how to use words to DE-ESCALATE conflict situations. When a person is in conflict, they want to be “heard”, to be listened to. So they tell their “story” which is an account of what happened from their perspective. The key to feeling “heard” for people is to acknowledge what they are feeling along with the content of what they are saying. When people hear that acknowledgement, they can begin to let go of that anger.

However these same tools can be used to escalate conflict by using volatile words that stir up a person’s already whirling emotions. It is a fine line we all walk but an important and critical one in reducing conflict.

Let’s take a step back to a calmer and gentler America. If someone is trying to escalate a conflict you are in with volatile words, just say no and walk away. It might feel like you are loosing but you are truly winning.

Karen Richards
Ex-Interim Executive Director