Mediating to create positive change

Gandhi has said that, “we must be the change that we want to see in the world.” This is one of my favorite quotes because it holds such a true statement. We often hear people talk about what they do or don’t like in the world but very rarely are they willing to step up to the plate to institute change. However, creating change can happen on several levels; even if you cannot create sweeping changes, it is always possible to try and have a positive impact in someone’s life. Working at the Community Mediation Center I have found out that mediation is a great opportunity to help someone change something in their life that they are not happy with or have been struggling with for awhile.

Being a mediator involves helping people to resolve conflicts between themselves without getting the court involved. Mediation gives people an opportunity to handle their misunderstanding themselves and to hear each other out. Granted not all situations are meant for mediation, but many can be resolved outside of the courts. A mediator is more than just a referee; he or she is a problem solver, motivator, and a good listener. With our changing political and social environment in society it is important to make positive changes in our lives as well as others.

My time at the Community Mediation Center so far has been a life changing experience. You never realize how nice life can be until you hear the stories and struggles of people at the Center or General District Court. Being able to help people come to a mutual agreement to work out their differences is the awesome tool and secret to mediation. Mediation has been around for years and is a great tool for families or people who may not be able to afford lawyers or take time off of work to come together and work out their problems.

Veronica Hill
Training and Youth Coordinator

Mediator Tips

Practice Your Skills Online

Technology moves fast these days, and it is important for mediators to try and keep up. As part of the ongoing endeavour to put mediation materials online (on Mediate.com and other ADR websites), tools for honing your mediator skills have found their way onto the Internet as well. The following are two games which have been put on the web that, while made primarily for entertainment value, attempt to give one practice using common mediation and negotiation skills. Try them out for yourself; who knows, you might even learn a thing or two.

Note: You must have Adobe Flash Player installed on your computer for these games to work.

Move or die

Angry Neighbors

Mediation extends beyond the Center's walls

Sometimes it is difficult for me to shut the mediator brain off. Recently I was having brunch with my best friend and he was venting to me about his relationship. He has been with the same person for the past five years and has never really been happy. We have had the same venting session every three months for the past five years. I always ask him why he stays and never can really tell me. Finally, this brunch I decided to open a can of mediation on him.

I asked him what his relationship goals are. He told me and I asked if what he is currently doing as far as relationships go is helping him achieve those goals. He said no. So, I asked, what are some ways you can achieve your relationship goals? He told me it would be to leave his current partner. I asked if there were any other options that included staying with his partner, including couples therapy, etc. No, he didn’t see any other options. He was very overwhelmed by the idea of ending and separating five years of life with his partner. So, we took his problem and broke it down into smaller tasks. We listed challenges and ways to overcome those challenges, we came up with next steps, and he actually followed through with them. What he needed to see was that his problem wasn’t as big as he thought it was, and that he could do each of the small steps to help him reach his goal.

I would say this is the heart of mediation. I like mediation because it is creative problem solving. Our clients have this problem that is really big to them. They feel powerless to solve it on their own. We help them look at their goals and how they can reach those goals. We help them take their problem apart and put it back together in a constructive way. It is by recognizing that their problems aren’t too big to solve that our clients are empowered to solve them. To me, a dispute is like any other problem. There is a solution if parties are willing to look for it. As mediators we help them flip the light switch in the dark room, so they can really see what surrounds them. For my friend, he needed to see that all the things he used as excuses to remain unhappy were not so overwhelming if he takes them on one at a time, at the same time he acknowledges that this will be a hard thing to follow through with, but he wants to because it is helping him achieve his goal.

Mandy Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Loose Ethics

Ethical principles are not always a good thing. This is the point made by Robert Benjamin in an article published in ACResolution Magazine back in 2004. Benjamin's thesis is that having too many ethical guidelines end up constraining a mediator more than helping him or her.

Unlike some other professions, a mediator's role is not always to be objective, dispassionate, and neutral. Mediators deal with pragmatic solutions, and if they are to gain the trust of the parties they cannot always afford to be "above the fray". Benjamin feels that the qualities of neutrality and impartiality are only there to cleanse and rehabilitate the image of a mediator. However, in a practical sense they only constrain the mediator.

Parties in a mediation do not always act rationally. Often times the parties are hostile to the mediation process, finding it unnatural or not helpful. Other times they are unwilling to discuss their interests because of some underlying fear. When mediators present themselves as completely dispassionate, they do little to recognize those underlying fears.

According to Benjamin, mediators learn early on that they must use their instincts, wit, and guile to reach a solution. In these cases, reaching a solution may require bending ethical guidelines to some degree.

However, Benjamin does not advocate abandoning all ethical principles. Instead, he presents 4 general rules that are important to follow at all times, but says that within the framework of those 4 mediators should be given some leeway to use their own style to solve conflicts. The 4 principles he mentions are:
1. The prospective mediator shall disclose to the parties any and all contacts or relationships with any of the parties, their associates, families, or organizations of the parties.
2. The mediator shall never make a recommendation or binding decision in a matter without the written agreement of all parties concerned, whether or not there is a standing order by a court or an appointing authority.
3. The mediator shall assure and protect the right of the parties to terminate the mediation process at any point without explanation.
4. The mediator shall not disclose to any third party, courts, judges, attorneys, other appointing authorities any information about the parties, their attitudes, motivations, or actions at any time. The mediator must maintain a primary duty of loyalty to the parties.

To read Benjamin's article, click this link: http://www.mediate.com/articles/benjamin16.cfm

Renewing our commitment to effective communication

With the recent horrifying events at Virginia Tech, I think everyone gets a wake up call. No matter your level of involvement with the campus, whether you know a student or not, everyone suddenly realizes how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. Perhaps you’ve found yourself playing the “what if” game, or maybe you called your friends and family just to say “hi” because you realized it had been too long.

As sad as these killings are, people are already responding personally and in groups in positive ways. Hopefully some have access to support groups driven by facilitated dialogue. Maybe this is an opportunity for others to renew their commitment to non-violence. In fact, this could be the chance for all of us to improve the way we interact with one another, to value the dignity and autonomy of each human being on a daily basis.

The process of effective communication is invaluable when it comes to treasuring human interaction with family members, friends, and even strangers. Honor those people you interact with through positive communication, because it might be your only opportunity to be a light in someone’s life.

Amanda Burabage
Community Outreach Director

Changes

Recently, while rummaging through my garage, I came across a journal I had written in 1987, some 20 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and the early entries were about the pain and turmoil of the end of my marriage. I had moved out of the house in the last weeks of 1986 and was finding the initial adjustment a very difficult process.

By summer, the entries became more positive as I began to re-connect with my children and develop my new role as non-custodial parent. By October, I had met the woman who would be a major part of my life for the next four years. Christmas Eve was actually a joyous event. My children had requested "those little chickens" (Cornish Game Hens) for our holiday dinner. As the little chickens cooked, we decorated my tree. I asked my son to help me with the lights. "I don't know how," he protested. "I'll show you," I replied, "and we'll do it together."

After opening our gifts to each other, the children returned to their mom's house, and I reflected on how much change we had all been through during 1987 and how we all had changed. It was a year of recovery. I was much stronger and more confident in my ability to not only survive, but to thrive both on professional and personal levels.

We don't have to wait 20 years to realize how we have changed. It happens in small ways, every day. I find myself "generating options" when faced with a difficult choice and using my reflecting listening skills in everyday encounters. We do it without realizing it. Later, we ask ourselves, "where did THAT come from?" It comes from the training which we incorporate into our lives, not just in mediations or co-parenting classes. We also help initiate change in others, whether it be youth groups, separating parents or squabbling neighbors. If we plant a seed that sprouts into a change in the lives of others, we have been successful.

I see this in the co-parenting class I teach. One night, a very big, very angry dad came storming through the door, complaining about the courts ordering him there and wondering how he was going to buy groceries the next week because he had to pay for the class. At the end of the class, he shook my hand and thanked me. "I learned a lot tonight," he said. A mom sent me a Christmas card, telling me how much fun the class had been for her. Fun? You don't take the parenting class for fun! I don't set this as a goal for each class, but when it happens, it feels good. We can actually help others make changes in their lives. And they, in turn, change us.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Mediation Tips
Comparing Mediation Styles

The Community Mediation Center uses and teaches the transformative mediation style, as we feel it yields the best results. However, as mediation theory has developed in the past, numerous other styles have been developed. Most people who have taken our training class know something about these other styles, so this will be a refresher for them. If you haven't heard about these other styles, though, check them out. As always, a mediator needs to develop his or her own mediation style over time, which means that some of you may want to include elements of these other styles in your approach. Here is a short summary of each of them.

Facilitative: The most common style in the mediation world, a facilitative mediator asks questions, validates points of view, searches for interests, and helps parties develop solutions. The mediator does not give opinions or advice, but remains neutral. It is interesting to note that this style developed when most mediators were volunteers, and thus not required to have experience on the mediation topic.

Evaluative: An evaluative mediator more readily gives out opinions and evaluations than a facilitative mediator. He or she will intervene in the mediation to point out stregnths or weaknesses in a party's position and explain what will happen if the case should go back to court. Often evaluative mediation is used in issues relating to money, which the mediator should have some experience in dealing with.

Transformative: The transformative approach takes a lot from the facilitative style, including the neutrality of the mediator, encouraging parties to develop their own solutions, and getting at the interests rather than the positions. The difference of the transformative approach is its attempt to empower each party and encouage them to recognize the others' point of view. Communication between both parties is a large part of this process.

Narrative: The narrative style places a lot of emphasis on the storytelling part of the mediation because it assumes that the parties are in conflict because they see themselves from the narrow point of view of their own narrative. The narrative mediator attempts to get the parties to share their story of the conflict and then to view the stories from a distance. The mediator then helps the parties to create a new story that allows for the possibility of a resolution.

There are pluses and minuses to each approach, so a mediator will have to choose based upon which one they think suits them. An article posted on the site www.mediate.com compares the evaluative and transformative approaches to mediation (the two most popular processes). Please read it for some enlightening analysis.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/fosterK1.cfm

How Conflict Can Spread

Conflict is contagious. I say this because recently there was a large conflict brewing in my family that started with just two people and expanded to 10 or more. My sister was in conflict with her boyfriend, the father of her unborn child. That led to conflict between she and I, as my sister, myself, and her boyfriend were all supposed to move into a house together. However, she never moved in so it has been just him and me. She was mad at me for living in the same house with him while she was mad at him, although this living arrangement had been the plan all along.

This conflict also led to conflict between myself and my mother because since my sister was living with my parents it seemed to become an "us against them" situation. Other family members took sides and before we knew it our Sunday lunch was no longer a time for catching up and reflecting on the week with our family, it was a time to talk behind one another’s back over the kitchen sink! Thankfully now the conflict is starting to subside but it is still there.

Do your best to resolve conflict. Think about how your conflict affects others. None of us live in a bubble – our actions affect those around us like ripples in the water.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

Peace is Possible!


At the Taman Safari Zoo in Bogor, Indonesia, a pair of month-old Sumatran tiger twins became friends with a set of young orangutans, an very unusual match that would never occure in their natural jungle habitat. The odd group met while they were sharing a room at the zoo's nursery. All four of the animals were abandoned by their mothers shortly after birth, and have been taking care of each other like brother and sister ever since. Zoo Keeper Sri Suwarni said, "This is unusual and would never happen in the wild. The four have lived side-by-side for a month without a single act of hostility." (To read the whole story: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/28/indonesia.tigers.orangutan.ap/index.html)

This is a sure sign that peace is possible! If these little guys can embrace their differences and learn to love and look after each other, why can't humans? Unfortunately, this cute little bunch will not stay together for long -- as their natural instincts will begin to develop (tigers begin to eat meat at 3 months). It is unrealistic to think that humans could maintain such a odd-coupled relationship, but we CAN learn to embrace our differences, deal with people effectively, solve our own problems and empower others do to the same. TAKE MEDIATION TRAINING, SUPPORT COMMUNITY MEDIATION CENTER -- start now, don't let a one-month animal show you up (although, they are amazing, huh?).



Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Mediator Tips
Moving to the online world

This blog entry is not going to be a tip in the usual sense of the word, but rather a suggestion for how to improve your skills by making use of the internet. You've probably heard of YouTube, a site which allows individuals to post their own videos to the web to be viewed by everyone. Viewing videos regarding mediation can be a great way to improve your skills by hearing and seeing the perspectives of mediators around the country, and YouTube contains numerous videos about mediation which are free to watch. Among those on the web are people discussing the importance of mediation, example mediations, and discussions with mediation theorists. Over time the Center will hopefully be venturing into this world and posting videos online as well, but until then if you are interested in connecting with mediators outside your area, visiting YouTube may be a way to start that process.

For an example of one of these videos, called "Fighting Fair", click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7sTu7s-8gg

You can reach the YouTube site at www.youtube.com.

Musings from the Executive Director’s Chair

At 8:07 p.m. EDT on Tuesday, March 20, Spring arrived in Hampton Roads. Did you hear it? There was almost a collective sigh as the warm temperatures seemed to be a gift from Mother Nature. However, did you notice the moon that night – only a sliver, a sliver of a smile and, it seems, a wink from the planet shining in the “smiley face”. It was wink and a wry smile as if to tell us that we’re not quite done with winter. The cold temperatures and wind of March 21st were the punctuation to that thought.

Change. It is all around us. It is inevitable. And, just like the weather changes second by second, so do our lives.

The last 6 months have been a time of change for the Community Mediation Center as well. In September we said farewell to Bob Glover, the Center’s Executive Director of more than 8 years. At that time, I took over as Interim Executive Director to provide continuity and stability for the Board and staff while a search was conducted for a new Executive Director. Now, the Center has a new Executive Director, Kim Humphrey, who will move us into the future.

This month is my 14th anniversary with the Center and I have seen many wondrous things both personally and professionally. I have worked with many hundreds of people in conflict over these years and it has been very gratifying.

But it takes a great amount of time and patience to work with individuals, businesses, families, and neighbors who just can’t find a way out of their conflict situation. But when they can, it is a magnificent thing to behold.

It has been a great honor and privilege to serve these last 14 years and I look forward to serving people in conflict for many more years to come.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
Case Study - Terri Schiavo

I'm sure you all know the case of Terri Schiavo and the controversy surrounding her. However, beyond the question of how to determine whether or not she was alive (in the sense of being aware of her surroundings) and who has the right to decide her fate, there is the question of the conflict between her different families. Her husband was adamant that Terri would have wanted to be pulled off life support while her parents were sure that she would not. This would obviously pose some difficult problems for a mediator who attempted to solve this conflict. Douglas Noll, a full time peacemaker and mediator who has mediated over 1,200 cases, has written an article about how he would handle this problem. Click the link below to see what he says.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/noll23.cfm

Spreading Peace Beyond the Center

I had the great fortune to go to a peace protest this past Saturday in Washington DC. Being an advocate for peace and a peace maker doesn’t just extend to my community; I feel it is my duty to promote peace and non-violence whenever possible. There were two things I observed that I think are relevant to my mediation practice.

1) There were protesters protesting our protest. They were really angry and somewhat violent. Some of them pushed us and spit on us. We did not respond at all, we just kept walking. Peace is a choice. We can make the choice to lay down the fight or not engage in the fight. We see this every day in our practices. Some people are not ready to give up the fight. This is fully in their power to do so, they have to be empowered and educated to the point where they realize they don’t have to fight anymore. We were empowered to let the insults and intimidation roll off of us. It is our job as mediators to help people get to the point where they also can be thus empowered.

2) There was a small mini-rally before the march began. As I was listening to the speeches, some of which referenced the protest protesters, the mediator wheels in my head started to grind. I realized the speakers were just re-iterating positions, and our two separate protests were just two positions clashing, not unlike every mediation I’ve been in. I enjoy exercising my freedoms of speech, but I found the rhetoric and propaganda in the protest to be lacking. What would be more helpful in creating a solution to the problem would be an open dialogue that looks at the interests on both sides of the divide.

Really, yelling our positions at each other doesn't create positive change. We need to tell each other why these things are important to us. I think if we looked at interests instead of positions, we would find that our interests aren’t that far apart, it is our positions that divide us. How many times in mediation have we spent hours going around and around only to find that clients really weren’t as far apart as they thought they were? We could have saved our clients a lot of time if we hadn’t chased their positions around and instead asked why is this important to you? I think this is the type of dialogue that needs to occur surrounding the war. We need to figure out why our positions are so important to us, if we can talk about that, maybe we won’t spend so much time chasing positions around while politicians posture and waste time not creating important legislation.

Mandy R. Stallings
Mediation Coordinator

Training Tips
Negotiating Styles

Note: This exercise, and the list of negotiating styles that go along with it, comes from the blog Online Guide to Mediation, managed by Diane Levin of the organization Partnering Solutions, LLC.

Just like with conflict styles, different people have different kinds of negotiation styles (in fact, there are probably a number of corollaries between the two categories). Again, none of these styles is wrong or bad, but it can be hard to communicate with one another without knowing each person's styles. Three main types of negotiating styles are persuasion, trickery, or force. Here is an exercise to get people to think about their own type of negotiation style:

1. Give each person a partner. Have each participant stand across from their partner and create a line (using masking tape, string, etc.) between the partners.
2. Tell each person that the aim of the exercise is to get their partner to cross the line. If they do, then they are the winner and will receive a prize.
3. Give the partners a couple of minutes to try and get their partner to cross the line.

Inevitably, the majority of participants will try one or both of the styles above. They may try to convince their partner that they are more deserving of the prize (their partner got a prize earlier, they need money to feed their kids and are planning to sell the prize to get it, etc.), which epitomizes the style of persuasion. They may also try to use trickery by telling their partner that they can split the prize while intending to renege or extending a hand as a sign of good faith and then pulling their partner across. Finally, some use intimidation or force to drag or pull their partner across the line.

Typically, the exercise ends with no one getting the money, the participants splitting the money, or one partner winning everything. The one option that would allow both parties to win, having each partner cross the line to the opposite side, is rarely thought of. The reason for this is the same reason people will often get into conflicts, because they focus on how they can win and how their positions are right. It is assumed that there can only be one winner since that is normally how games are played, so each parties interests are ignored, leaving out the possibility of creating a win-win solution. It is a mindset we should get out of if we want to create the possibility for more mutually beneficial solutions.

Reflective Listening Works!

Recently I had an experience that reinforced how helpful reflective listening is. I was leading a discussion at the Unitarian Church in Norfolk about war profiteering in which several of the participants were very animated, using their time to complain about the state of affairs in the world today and the people they would like to hold accountable.

After the discussion ended, one participant approached me to complain about how I moderated the discussion, saying that I should have kept such "grandstanding" to a minimum. Given that this was the first negative comment I had gotten after three months of leading discussions, I felt it important to understand exactly what his criticism was. I spent about 7 minutes listening to him, pausing only to summarize what he was saying and ask some questions to clarify his interests. As the discussion neared its end, he mentioned how he had planned to not attend another one of these discussions, but because I listened to him, he was reconsidering that position.

Reflecting on this incident later, I realized how much it related to what I have learned at the Center. To some degree I agreed with him about the wastefulness of "grandstanding", but because I tend to approach conflict as an accomodater and compromiser, I let such comments pass and tried to steer the discussion back to more useful topics afterwards. My interlocutor was most likely collaborating or confrontational, and was less willing to put up with such comments. Yet because of reflective listening on my part, I was able to understand his interests and validate his concerns. I hope he decides to join me for the next discussion so that I can try to incorporate his concerns.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Greetings!

I am so happy to be part of the dedicated team at the Community Mediation Center.

As a volunteer for the last few years, I have had the opportunity to work with this amazing staff and team from the volunteer prospective. Their passion and dedication inspired me so much that when the full time opportunity to be part of the team arose, I quickly jumped at the chance.

I have now been at the center for over a week and realize how much they accomplish with such a small staff. This is due also to the great team of volunteers and a dedicated Board. In the past week I have met many of you and look forward to meeting more. I truly want to hear your ideas and thank you personally for all you do for the center.

I want to especially thank Karen Richards for her tremendous patience during my transition. I am learning so much and appreciate her sharing her knowledge and experience about mediation and the center. I know the staff definitely admires and appreciates her. She is a highly respected leader and a true role model for the staff and volunteers.

I look forward to seeing you at the center and encourage those who have not volunteered to mediate for the center in a while to do so. We rely on our volunteers and thank you again for everything you do to so support the Community Mediation Center.

Kim Humphrey
Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Role of a Facilitator

A mediator can be considered a facilitator in a mediation, but the skills used in a mediation can be used to facilitate larger meetings like neighborhood open forums and collaborative geto-togethers. However, the role of the facilitator is somewhat different from a mediator in several respects, largely because the focus of the meeting is often different from a mediation. While a mediation tries to reach an agreement between parties in a disagreement, facilitation tries to open a dialogue between a group without necessarily pushing for a resolution. What is similar is having a discussion where issues are raised and ideas are brainstormed. A faciliator helps this dialogue in the following ways:

• Bring focus to the group
• Effect change and improvement through team empowerment
• Encourage team decision making
• Encourage team problem solving
• Work for consensus
• Group dynamics
• Active listening
• Clarifying, sharing, disseminating ifo
• Organize, handle details, closure

Retaining our place at the "mediation table"

A recent article in ACResolution Magazine titled "Ensuring a Place at the Table" mentions CMCs are at risk of losing their place at the mediation table because of their overall lack of continuous improvement. The article goes on to mention that CMCs are the most accurate representation of the mediation profession -- most of the remaining practitioners that offer mediation offer settlement conferences instead of true mediation. The article concludes that this leaves CMCs as the trendsetters and primary indicators of the current health and future sustainability of the mediation field. As a CMC, we have to strive to set the bar of mediation practitioners hign and embrace our trendsetting role by continuing to improve our methods, practices, and standards of mediation. If we can continue to do this successfully, we an be sure that in ten years, we will still have an important place at the mediation table.

Kim Hopwood
Training Director

Conflict Resolution Tips
14 Ways of Eliminating Tension in the Home

Conflict Resolution skills are useful tools outside of a mediation setting. It is important that we take these skills out into the world if we are going to effect change on a societal level. Here are a couple tips you can use in your home to reduce conflict before it becomes critical.

1. Admit your family is less than perfect. It is unrealistic to expect a family life of complete peace and harmony.
2. Family money problems can be resolved through discussions and compromises between spouses as well as other members of the family unit.
3. The temptation to acquire material things can be minimized if you build warm and loving relationships within your family.
4. Parents cannot always subordinate their own needs to their children's needs.
5. Believe in yourself. The more confident you are, the more effectively you will be able to deal with stress and change in family life.
6. Develop a dialogue with your family - don't debate with them.
7. Live from the present to the past. Don't let past experiences inhibit your enjoyment of the future.
8. Have consistent guidelines for family operations. A family will effectively operate if it has specifically designated goals and encouragement systems.
9. Hold family meetings. Have a dialogue about whatever problems are facing your family before they build up emotions to an explosive peak.
10. Stop comparing yourself and your family members with others.
11. List the things that you are proud of. Make note of the things that distinguish you from others.
12. Learn to express anger constructively. Be careful not to hurt someone or leave and individual feeling angry or resentful.
13. Learn to deal with anger. Listen to others with valid complaints, then try to arrive at a realistic compromise.
14. Keep a list of issues you argue over and arrange the argument generating issues in order of frequency and delicacy.

This list is adapted from the Parent-Teen Mediation Manual put together by the Piedmont Dispute Resolution Center.

Give the process a chance!

I recently led 32 youth in a 2-day, 16 hours, peer mediation training. When we first settled down in the classroom on the first night, I right away noticed two kids in the very back - one with his back to me and the other with his head down on the table. The staff in charge of the kids was very helpful and wanted right away to remove the kids so they wouldn't disrupt the training. They took the kids aside and talked about sending them home. The kids asked to stay...NOW WHAT?

Now, I thought, the real process of change begins! They had made a choice to stay, and that choice had to be recognized! I approached them during our first break, validated their choice to stay, and asked them what their goals were for staying. We talked about their fear to go home and get in trouble for being kicked out. They also wanted to get a certificate of completion. We talked about what it would take for them to accomplish their goal. They brainstormed different ways to behave during the training...does this process sound familiar? Identifying interests, setting goals, brainstorming solutions...

At the end of the training, they were truly the best peer mediators in the class! Trainers should remember that students don't always come to class ready to learn...we often need to help them identify their own interest in the process, before we lose them and their talent!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Director

Mediator Tips
Collaborative Divorce

If you move around inside the Conflict Resolution world for a while, you are bound to hear the term Collaborative Divorce. Many of you probably already know exactly what Collaborative Divorce is, but for those of you who don't, here is a quick summary.

Essentially, Collaborative Divorce is mediation for married couples trying to get a divorce. Just like mediation, it seeks to avoid the legal system by using a model which encourages dialogue and negotiation in order to reach a solution that benefits everyone. Lawyers trained in Collaborative Divorce are hired to facilitate the process. Below is a good description of Collaborative Divorce taken from the Collaborative Divorce Handbook developed by the organization Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings LLC.

Collaborative Divorce is:

• Client centered and non adversarial
• Client controlled
• Based upon active participation
• Based upon constructive communication
• Designed to foster a safe working environment
• Educates the clients
• Focuses on the needs and interests of the clients
• Requires the consent of each client

Collaborative Divorce requires each client sign an agreement that:

• They will not undertake contested court procedure during the Collaboration
• Undertaking any contested court action terminates the Collaboration
• Upon termination of the Collaboration, the aligned Collaborative professionals are prohibited from participating in contested court actions between the participants

The Handbook contains a lot more useful information about Collaborative Divorce. Those interested in learning more would be wise to check it out.

Mediator Tips
Additional Resources

Part of being an effective mediator is keeping up with new developments and techniques in the mediation world. There are several organizations that work specifically within the Alternative Conflict Resolution world, both in Virginia and the nation at large. Keeping in touch with them can help you stay apprised of ways to improve your own mediation skills. Additionally, using these resources can help you network with mediators across the U.S. Below are the names, phone numbers, and websites of several of these organizations.

Association for Conflict Resolution
202-464-9700
www.acrnet.org

Supreme Court of Virginia Department of Dispute Resolution Services
804-786-6455
www.courts.state.va.us/drs/main

Virginia Mediation Network
888-506-4VMN
www.vamediation.org

The Virginia Alternative Dispute Resolution Joint Committee
804-377-8515
www.vba.org/comm/adrjtcom.htm

American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution
202-662-1680
www.abanet.org/dispute/

National Association for Community Mediation
202-667-9700
www.nafcm.org

The outcome isn’t always the most important thing

This might be a surprise, or unbelievable to anyone who has not participated in a mediation session, but mediation clients agree that they are satisfied even when they DON’T reach an agreement. Agreement rates are just one way to measure success in the mediation process. Although 60-80% of people reach agreement at Community Mediation Center (depending on the complexity of the issues), more than 91% report that mediation was helpful.

Case in point – Recently a business owner called and asked for a mediation appointment. He explained that he participated in mediation with a customer a few years ago and so he knew to call. When his original file was pulled we discovered that the agreement he reached wasn’t entirely in his favor. In other words, it was clear from his agreement that he had made some concessions that he originally wasn’t interested in making. After calling him back to confirm his new mediation appointment I asked, what made him willing to try mediation again. He replied that the process was so smooth he couldn’t understand why anyone used the court. In fact, even in making concessions he like he was part of the process and satisfied with the outcome.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Trainer Tips
Study Circles

Study Circles are used in group discussions. While they are not mediations, they are a good place for you to practice your reflective listening skills as a facilitator. The purpose of a study circle is to help individuals gain "ownership" of an issue and empower them to solve the problem. Often the process will involve several study circles being put together over the course of 3 to 6 months. Each session involves the following sections:

• Welcome and introduction
• Ground Rules
• Discussion
• Summary and Common Ground
• Evaluation

Does any of that seem familiar? It should, as it is similar to the way a mediation is run. The main difference, of course, is that study circles are not based on coming to an agreement; they are based upon researching and discussing the issues to raise awareness of the perspectives on it, the problems associated with it, and the ways to move forward. However, just like in mediation, a facilitator must use their reflective listening skills (reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, shifting focus, using silence, and using non-verbal signals). Below are a couple attributes found in a good facilitator:

• Neutrality
• Helpfulness in setting up ground rules and enforcing them
• Asks probing questions
• Helps identify areas of agreement and disagreement
• Appreciate all kinds of people
• Committed to democratic principles

Mediator Tips
Negotiating with Terrorists

An odd title for a mediator tip, I admit. However, it is a particularly relevant topic for this era of terrorism, and thinking about it can provide some insights into how to mediate with people who are normally intractable or who you consider to be morally repulsive.

According to Roger FIsher and William Ury in Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, negotiating with terrorists is generally a desirable path to choose. They claim that even making statements like "We will never negotiate with terrorists!" is technically negotiation inasmuch as you are trying to influence their behavior. However, they say that the more communication there is, the more likely a positive solution will be reached. If issues of personal safety can be resolved, it makes sense to talk with terrorists, as if you have a good case you are more likely to persuade them to come to your position.

Negotiation does not mean giving in; one is not legitimizing kidnapping or other terrorist behavior. But talking may convince a terrorist that they will not receive a ransom and it may also be possible to learn of some legitimate interests they have so a solution can be reached where neither side gives in.

While Fisher and Ury do not recommend talking in every case, they say that it is important to consider the alternative to negotiation. If the alternative is war or some kind of action that could lead to numerous deaths, the question needs to be asked as to whether the costs of the alternative are desireable over negotiation. In fact, they claim, often times war is an act within a negotiation to persuade the other side to give in, albeit a generally inhumane and, in the long term, ineffective tactic.

In conclusion, both Fisher and Ury say that no one is beyond negotiating with. Whether the opposing party is a dictator like Hitler, a religious zeleot like Osama Bin Ladin, or just a disgruntled citizen like those at Waco or Columbine, it is worth considering negotiation as an alternative to violence.

The Egg Story

The co-parenting training class includes a discussion of anger and how anger can cause people to do things they would not normally do. I use the egg story as an example of how people change when anger takes control of their emotions.

It’s about a dad, angry that the divorce is final, angry that his children are no longer in his daily life and angry that he lived in a tiny apartment, while his ex- lived in what had been their 10-room house.

One night, the anger so filled him that he had to do something physical. So he put on his old military field jacket, stopped by the grocery store to buy some eggs and dog treats, and walked the mile into his old neighborhood with the eggs in one large pocket of his jacket and the dog treats in the other pocket.

He knew the neighborhood and the shortcuts and the darkest part of his former yard. Climbing over fences, he moved closer to the house, greeting the dogs and offering treats. He positioned himself in his former yard, listening to the sound of crunching in the yards around him. He threw the first egg and heard a gratifying smack as it hit the house. Then he quickly threw the rest, his heart racing with excitement. The euphoria lasted just a few seconds, and then he realized he had to get out of the area, but he couldn’t run because the dogs would start barking. So he carefully re-traced his route, handing out treats and being as quiet as possible.

Back at his tiny divorce apartment, he waited for a knock on the door. Surely someone had recognized him and called police. No one came. A few weeks later, he had another anger attack and completed another successful egg expedition. And no one knocked on the door.

While buying eggs and dog treats for a third launch, the rational side of his brain overtook the anger side. How stupid he was, his rational side reasoned. The last thing his children needed was to see was him, on the ground outside their house, being handcuffed by police. Surely he didn’t want his ex to his arrest as an example that he was a bad person. And how would an arrest impact on the ability to see his children, even if it was every other weekend.

So the angry dad returned the eggs and dog treats to the shelf and went home. From then on, whenever anger tried to overwhelm him, he got on his bicycle and went for a brisk ride—away from his former neighborhood. The physical exertion released the anger and left him too tired to walk to his target.

I know the details of this dad, because the angry dad was me. For 18 years I kept the secret of the egg attacks from my children. No reason to upset them. Then in October 2005, I had an opportunity to see them all at the same time. The four of us had not been together in nearly two decades. I flew to Seattle and during lunch at the Space Needle, I talked about anger and what it does to people. Then I revealed the secret of the egg story. They howled with laughter. All of them remembered the house being egged. Their mom thought it was neighbors, upset at her for divorcing me. Well, she was partly right. My children said they would not tell their mother who really egged the house. Let her think it was angry neighbors. Whenever I hear about someone injuring or killing others in a blind rage, I think to myself: Thank goodness all I did was egg a house. And I smile.

Chuck Hardwick
Client Services

Tales from the Shopping Zone

As the Holiday shopping season moves towards its frenzied, frantic conclusion, here’s a story that shows the value of communication and conflict resolution skills.

My husband was perusing the aisles of one of our local big box retailers. While surveying some electronic gadgets, his attention was drawn to the employees in that section. It seems someone in the “back” had been trying to reach these employees on the floor via a very quiet telephone. When no one answered, the “walkie-talkie” communication became loud and intense. This was soon followed by the person from the back coming to the employees and loudly berating the one for not answering the phone. Explanations seemed only to escalate the anger and one employee was heard to comment on the sanity of the “yeller” and leave. The other employee, at whom the tirade was directed, noted that the conversation should be moved away from the customers. But this didn’t seem to deter the angered employee who continued until running out of steam.

What was going on here? From my husband’s perspective as the “observer” in this conflict situation, the employee had really “lost it” to the point of reacting inappropriately in front of customers, probably loosing some who don’t like that kind of confrontation.

Certainly, there can be many explanations to why this interaction escalated to this point – what we call the interests (reasons) under the position (the anger at not answering the phone). And in the pressure of the holiday shopping season tempers can be short.

But this situation also shows how building anger manifests in the most inappropriate ways and times. And that people tend to loose all self-awareness when this happens. Folks need to find a way to vent that steam in a positive way.

One tool people can use is I-messaging. In I-messaging, a person takes on the responsibility for the communication and the emotions involved in the situation. In an I-message, the speaker identifies the emotion they are feeling as well as the situation that is upsetting and explains why they are upset. Here’s a possible I-message to the above situation: “I am unhappy (emotion) when no one answers my page (situation) because my supervisor was upset with me for not getting the information to her more quickly (reason).”

So before you head to the “yelling zone”, take a deep breath and think about what you are about to do. Try and I-message and see if you can find your way to the peaceful side of your dispute.

Happy shopping and Happy Holidays!

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
The Circle Chart

Roger Fisher and William Ury, authors of the book Getting to Yes, recommend using a strategy called the Circle Chart as a way of helping people to brainstorm options during the Generating Options phase. They identify four different types of thinking during this phase that generally occur one after another. The first type of thinking about a particular problem, including the factual situation you dislike. The second type of thinking is descriptive analysis, where you sort the problems into categories and tentatively suggest causes. The third type of thinking involves considering, in general terms, what ought to be done. The fourth type of thinking is identifying some specific and feasible suggestions for action. Fisher and Ury suggest asking yourself the following questions when going through each phase:

1. The Problem

• What's wrong?
• What are the current symptoms?
• What are disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation?

2. Analysis

• Sort symptoms into categories.
• Suggest causes.
• Observe what is lacking.
• Note barriers to resolving the problem.

3. Approaches

• What are possible strategies or prescriptions?
• What are some theoretical cures?
• Generate broad ideas about what might be done.

4. Action Ideas

• What might be done?
• What specific steps might be taken to deal with the problem?

Meditor Tips
Substantive vs. Relationship Issues

To solve disagreements, a good working relationship needs to be established apart from the issues being discussed in the mediation. A poor working relationship with an unfair balance of power tends to lead to one party unnecessarily conceding too much or one side trying to force a concession through threats ("If you really cared for me, you'd do this"). In either case, the problem is unlikely to go away while the bad relationship exists. When considering what is substantive and what is relational, consider the list below.

Substantive Issues
- Terms
- Conditions
- prices
- Dates
- Numbers
- Liabilities

Relationship Issues
- Balance of emotion and reason
- Ease of communication
- Degree of trust and reliability
- Attitude of acceptance or rejection
- Relative emphasis on persuasion or coercion
- Degree of mutual understanding.

To try and build a good relationship by negotiating the relationship. Raise the issue of your concerns about their behavior and discuss it like you would a substantive issue while avoiding judgement. Instead, explain your perceptions and feelings and inquire about theirs; of necessary, come up with some external standards and fair principles to judge behavior. Also, distinguish how you treat them from how they treat you. You should make sure that you are acting fairly even if they aren't; trying to 'teach a lesson' won't solve the problem. A good relationship can be built even if the problem is not solved.

World Demographics

Why is focusing on the underprivileged so important? There are obvious reasons that are continually repeated, such as the right of everyone to have basic human rights. However, it helps to get some perspective from time to time, as the need to pull the underprivileged out of poverty is not only a matter of principle, but a matter of necessity. Consider these facts:

If the world's population could be reduced to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look like this:

• 60 Asians, 12 Europeans, 14 Africans, 8 Latin Americans, 5 US Americans and Canadians
• 49 would be female
• 51 would be male
• 82 would be non-white
• 89 heterosexual
• 11 homosexual
• 33 would be Christian
• 67 would be non-Christian
• 5 would control 32% of the world's entire wealth, and all of them would be US citizens
• 80 would live in substandard housing
• 24 would not have any electricity (and of the 76% that do have electricity, most would only use it for light at night)
• 67 would be unable to read
• Only 1 would have a college education
• 50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply
• 1 would have HIV
• 1 would be near death
• 2 would be near birth
• 7 would have Internet access

Within the context of these statistics, our work and the work of other non-profits/charities could not be more important. If society is to survive in the next century, we are going to need dialogue between the diverse groups above along with a more equitable distribution of wealth and physical necessities. As you do your volunteer and charity work, remember these statistics. I know I will.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

Mediator Tips
Standards of Fairness

Standards of fairness will often differ among mediatees. Indeed, it is often this conflicting standards that causes conflict. In a mediation of arbitration, one of the steps you can take to help elicit interests is to make clear what each parties standards are. An example of how standards conflict between parties may have to do with what each party considers just in a conflict over custody. The father may say that each parent should have equal custody over the child since each one makes up 50% of the child's parents. However, the mother may say that she deserves more or full custody because she has spent more time with the child, done more to raise the child, and is more experienced in child care. Making clear these standards can be an important step to getting to an agreement.

However, it is not necessary for the parties to reach a 'best' or 'unified' standard of fairness. To focus on this, and pushing the parties to come up with one, is probably a dead end and will make the parties dig their heels in over their position. Instead, knowing standards is a tool that may help the parties reach an agreement. Understanding and discussing standards may help the parties narrow the range of disagreement and allow the parties to find some common ground to build upon. It may also provide an area that the parties will be willing to compromise on.

As with anything in a mediation, don't press a specific set of standards for the parties to follow. You may suggest some standards for them to consider, but make sure that they both embrace those standards before using them in developing solutions.

Visiting New Orleans

From November 13-17 I was in New Orleans as part of my Americorps training. In addition to going through lectures and training sessions on what it takes to be an Americorps volunteer (which was somewhat boring, although there were a few good speakers), the other trainees and I took time to visit some of the sites hit hardest by Katrina.

New Orleans is one of the saddest yet most beautiful places I’ve ever been. While there we were able to visit areas that were severely impacted by the storm and the people who were still there. After fourteen months, many people are still unable to return to their homes because of the damage from the storm and inadequate reconstruction efforts. I felt like I was visiting a third world country; the devastation was disgusting.

Additionally, the “in your face” racism and segregation was hard to swallow. We visited the home of former Klan member David Duke and were reminded by the guide that in his Senate race he received over 30% of the states’ vote. There are laws in counties that are over 70% white that only allow residents to rent out to blood relatives. New Orleans was “bad” before, but now it’s even worse, and so few people care. By the end of the week I was physically and emotionally exhausted.The sites we were able to visit left me with feelings of hope and despair. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the images I saw or feelings I felt, but I feel like this trip has changed me forever.

Heather Mathews
Americorps Member

Mediatee Tips
Determining if your dispute can be mediated

While most kinds of civil disputes can be mediated, certain nonviolent criminal cases (such as verbal harassment and destruction of property) and cases that aren't proper for court can be mediated. That is, interpersonal disputes between roommates, coworkers, and others which don't have any sort of legal remedy can be solved via mediation. For example, if two housemates are arguing over how to maintain the household and are unable to solve the problem themselves, then mediation is a valuable tool that can help the housemates solve the problem while maintaining their relationship.

The most common cases for mediation are civil disputes, including family conflicts. This includes disputes over custody and separation, property disputes, contract disputes, landlord-tenant problems, employee-employer conflicts, neighbor-neighbor conflicts, and many more.

When considering whether your case is right for mediation, ask yourself if any of these statements apply to you:

- The law cannot provide the remedy you want

- You want to end a problem, not a relationship

- Your dispute is no one else's business and you want to keep it that way

- You want to minimize costs

- You want to settle the dispute promptly

- You want to avoid establishing a legal precedent

- You are having difficulty initiating negotiations, or lack negotiating skills

Hearing one another

I have been a certified general and family mediator for almost 7 years; however, I recently sat on the other side of the table as a mediation participant. My husband and I have separated and we chose to participate in mediation to attempt to resolve some of our disputes. Our mediator was incredibly professional and followed the process throughout. This experience renewed my belief in the power of mediation. It truly does help people to “hear” one another - even when they disagree.

Sara Foote
Arbitration Coordinator

Mediator Tips
Competence

Parties going through mediation have the right to know their mediators' qualifications as a mediator as well as what the requirements for becoming certified as a mediator. While the vast majority of mediators who have gone through the certification process are qualified, if the parties do not have faith in the mediators themselves then it will be hard to convince them of the benefits of mediation. As a result, make sure you have information about your qualifications for parties that request it; not just the certification process but how much experience you have had. Be prepared to discuss your qualifications with the parties if they are curious as to what makes you a good mediator. Make sure the parties are satisfied before starting the mediation.

Mediatee Tips
Preparing for a Mediation: Review Paperwork

If you are going to be a party in a mediation, begin preparing for your mediation by reading the rules that will govern your mediation. Most mediation services will send you a set of rules when your mediation is scheduled; if you don't get a copy, request one. Rules cover things like when and how fees are to be paid, procedures to be followed, and the degree to which the mediation will be considered and kept confidential. Here are some examples of rules that you will probably encounter:

• Evidence rules: Given that mediation is not a courtroom matter, the limits on types of evidence you can use don't apply in mediation. However, since some parties may want to bring in outside witnesses or present documents, it will be up to the mediator to decide what can be let in.
• Pre-mediation memorandum: This is a written statement for the mediator explaining your version of the facts and issues involved in a dispute. This is not always necessary.
• Confidentiality: Since the information that comes out in a mediation can be of a highly sensative or personal nature, confidentiality is essential in allowing each party to speak freely. As a result, all mediators are required to keep everything said private except in a few circumstances (which will be explained to you before the mediation). The only thing that will go back to court - if the case is court referred - is the agreement that was reached.

There are other rules that you will want to be aware of; however, if you don't have time to read through them comprehensively, the mediator will explain the important ones to you before the mediation begins.

Positions vs. Interests in Pop Culture

Listening is so important but identifying and acknowledged a person’s interest is a critical component to effective conflict resolution. I was recently reminded of this concept.

I was watching an episode of “The Cosby Show”. Bill Cosby’s character, Cliff, had borrowed his neighbor’s power drill and misplaced it in the house. When the neighbor came to reclaim his tool, he commented on how he knew he could trust Cliff to take care of his tool. Of course, Cliff now had to admit he had lost the tool and he apologized. His neighbor was distressed and began talking about how the drill had been his father’s and that whenever he used it, he was reminded of his father and the good times they had had together. Cliff was silent and the neighbor then did what so many others do when they don’t feel heard – he became more agitated, raised his voice and began complaining about other, unrelated issues, in this case that Cliff had potentially overcharged in delivering this neighbor’s children. When Cliff offered him a new drill, the neighbor got angrier and walked out.

It all made for good comedy but this situation illustrates a fundamental principle in conflict resolution that we often overlook – identifying and acknowledging the interest behind the position. On the surface, it might seem that this “Cosby Conflict” was about a lost drill. However, just below the surface, also called the position, lies the interest which was the strong sentimental value the drill held for the neighbor and the loss of trust with Cliff.

A simple acknowledgement of those two issues would have calmed the neighbor down and begun to pave the way for a solution.

On the show, Cliff finds the drill and takes back to his neighbor but in real life that happy ending doesn’t always occur.

So, remember that conflict is rarely about the position -- the “drill” or the “money”. It is about the interest and the emotions that lie under the position. You may need to look deep but the reward will be a calming of the situation and a peaceful resolution.

Karen Richards
Interim Executive Director

Mediator Tips
Closure

Whether the parties reach an agreement or not, you need to bring it to a close. This means first of all, summarizing and reviewing what happened in the mediation. State in a neutral way what the parties shared and the positions and interests each person expressed. Make sure that all parties are clear on the next steps, whether that means going back to court to solve the problem or how the agreement reached will be carried out.

If an agreement is reached, you should congratulate the parties for their work and recognize the courage they showed in finding a way to solve their problem. Go over the agreement point by point to make clear exactly what they all agree to do. Have both parties sign it and sign it yourself. Make copies for them so that they will know what the agreement was. Finally, shake hands and escort them to the door.

What is an at-risk youth?

At-risk youth is a term that gets used a lot...when we train at-risk kids in conflict resolution, we have to be aware of certain emotional and developmental characterists they share:

1. Devalued-self: Ongoing experience with violence and/or neglect leaves child with a devalued sense of selfThe child believes others will eventually reject him/her, based on personal experience. Before being rejected, child will reject adult first to avoid getting hurt.

2. Self-efficacy – one’s belief about his/her own ability too learn new things. At-risk youth are not confident in his/her own ability to learn. Therefore, it is safer for them to “pretend” not being interested to avoid looking like a fool.

3. Delayed gratification is the ability to work toward a goal and wait for its rewards. At-risk youth have a history of anger and frustration, which lowers their ability to be patient and work toward a goal. Constant genuine praise is a MUST!

4. Concrete Learning: Violence, neglect, frustration and anger delay a child’s ability to think in an abstract manner. At-risk youth need concrete examples in order to learn – lots of activities and role plays, instead of lectures!

Andrea Palmisano
Youth Programs Coordinator

Listening in Real Life

The more I teach effective conflict resolution the more I understand the benefits in real life terms. Hardly a day passes without using reflective listening, reframing, open ended questions and brainstorming. Without these skills life would be too hard. This is my blog message today – make your life easier. Be a better communicator. Keep in mind, it’s not all in the way you talk (the words you choose, your tone, the frame you put around your ideas, casting blame), it is also in the way you listen. Prove to people through your body language and your spoken word that you’ve truly understood their feelings and their facts. Don’t separate the emotion, that’s the most important part in helping people vent.

Amanda Burbage
Community Outreach Director

Mediator Tips
Solving Ethical Problems

Occasionally when doing a mediation you may be put into a situation where several ethical rules come into play. As a certified mediator, you need to be aware of these rules so that you know how to act responsibly. To work your way through the ethical dilemma, follow the steps below. After you read through the steps, try solving the hypothetical ethical dilemma described at the bottom.

1. Define the problem carefully.
2. Determine what ethical rules govern the problem.
3. If the applicable rules appear to provide conflicting guidance:
   - Rank the sources of the ethical rules, and see if any have higher precedence than the others
   - Determine where the crux of the conflict lies (sample questions to ask yourself) to generate possible options:
   i. Is the circumstance not appropriate for mediation?
   ii. Are you unable to mediate the situation, but another mediator who is differently positioned could?
   iii. Can the situation be overcome ethically by informing the parties, and obtaining their consent to proceed?
4. Ensure that solutions to the problem are:
   - Within the ethical rules too (i.e. do not compromise a second ethical rule in order to solve the initial problem)
   - Supported by logical rationale
   - Mindful of public policy
   - Implemented in a professional manner

Hypothetical Ethical Dilemma:
You are mediating a case between a dry cleaning business and a consumer. The consumer indicated that she had two Sunday jackets that she uses to sing in the church choir which were damaged by the cleaner and she wants the cleaner to pay for their replacement, $ 120 each. The cleaner says that her standard policy is to pay $ 35 for each garment of this type in a claim. In looking at the jackets it is hard to detect exactly how they are damaged. In a caucus the consumer tells you that the jackets do mean a lot to her, but she bought them at a sale for about $ 50 each. Back in regular session, the mediator asks the consumer why the jackets are so important to her. She replies that these jackets are the last two gifts her husband gave her before he passed away. What should the mediator do?

Suggested Response: The mediator should once again caucus with the consumer to clarify what she had disclosed. If the mediator determines there is a lack of good faith then the mediator should consider terminating the process.

What we have here is a failure to communicate


I'm standing at the base of the Space Needle in Seattle, WA with my adult children, Mindy, Thom and Becca. Before being allowed on the express elevator (500 feet in 41 seconds), we have to see the man behind the desk about our reservation. Our name is not on the list. The conversation goes like this:

Mindy: "I thought you made the reservation, Thom."
Thom: "I tried, but I didn't have a credit card, so I asked Dad to make the reservation."
Dad: "Becca told me you made the reservation, Mindy."
Becca: "No I didn't."

We had this conversation about three times, before the man behind the desk began laughing. It's okay, he said, they were not busy and we could go up to the restaurant. We were seated within a few minutes. A Wednesday afternoon in October is not exactly prime tourist season for Seattle. If it had been prime tourist season, the lack of communications between four adults might have resulted in an awkward situation and lunch about 3 p.m., if we could get in.

Whenever I teach the parenting class, one sticky point that always comes up is a lack of communication between the parents. A lot of emotion is usually involved and it's sometimes difficult to talk to each other, even about mundane things like pick up and drop off times for the children. Communication isn't always about talking to each other. Those situations can be resolved by working with a third party or using a notebook that includes special instructiions for medicines, homework assignments or piano lessons. Using a notebook helps communicate important information. It's important that everyone knows about visitation schedules, support payments and other details of adults involved in seperation.

That information should be shared with children, to help make them feel a little more assured that they will have time with each parent. Children need structure and routine and they need to know when they will be with each parent.

Perhaps the most important communications link is between parent and child. Children do not have a voice in the seperation process. Their lives are simply turned upsidedown by adults making drastic, and sometimes sudden, decisions. How parents communicate what is happening depends on the age of the child. But even young children notice the changes and ask questions. This is not a time to bash the other parent as the reason for the seperation. Even a simple statement like, "Your mom and I are not going to live together, but I will still be in your life" can be reassuring.

A young woman reflected on her experience when her parents seperated when she was 6. Two people I really loved, my dad and brother, were simply gone, she recalled. Then there was a new man in the house and we moved 1,200 miles away. Nobody would tell me anything. My dad wasn't there to tell me what was happening and my mom wouldn't talk about it at all. It was very confusing and painful. The young woman is my daughter, now 25. Her recollection is going to translate into a strong statement in the parenting classes to sit down and communicate with children, regardless of age.

All this writing and memories of the good food in Seattle is making me hungry. I think it's my turn to make dinner reservations.

Chuck Hardwick

Mediator Tips
After Brainstorming

After you brainstorm some options, there are a couple things you can do to help participants reach an agreement. These tips are taken from the book Getting to Yes, which discusses negotiation tactics.

1. Star the Most Promising Ideas: Ask the participants which options they think are the most promising. Remember, you are not at the decision stage yet, just at the point where the most promising ideas are winnowed out.

2. Invent Improvements for Promising Ideas: Take one of the promising ideas and discuss ways to improve it to make it better and more realistic, as well as ways to carry it out. The point of this is to make the idea as attractive as possible.

3. Set up a time to evaluate ideas and decide: If a solution can not be reached in that particular session, it may be necessary to break up and have each participant look over the solutions by themselves. Before you break up, draw together a list of the most promising ideas in their revised form. Then, decide when to meet again and how much time individuals should spend thinking about the ideas.

Mediator Tips
The Opening Statement in an Arbitration

Mediation and arbitration are based on some similar principles, but the decision making process in each is very different. As a result, the opening statement in arbitration will focus on different points compared to that of mediation. Below are some tips to keep in mind when doing an introduction to arbitration. Also, click here to learn more about arbitration.

• Welcome the parties and thank them for using arbitration.
• Administer the Oath of Participant and confirm the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• State you will not disclose details of the case to anyone except, possibly, to the CMC staff for administrative purposes.
• Disclose conflicts of interest or prior experience with either of the parties, and ask if they know of any conflicts of interests.
• Confirm both parties have the right to an attorney.
• Explain that you may curb irrelevant or repetitious testimony.
• Request the parties agree to demonstrate common courtesy and refrain from interrupting each other during the hearing.
• Explain you will maintain control of the hearing.
• Notify the parties you will be impartial and will not express opinions or react emotionally.
• Explain that you will keep the hearing focused on issues in the Agreement to Arbitrate.
• Explain the decision is binding, and confirm the parties understand what that means.
• Explain you will be submitting your Decision and Reasons for Decision to the CMC within the next 5 days, and they will mail a copy of those documents to each party.

Keeping the Center sustainable

A question we often ask ourselves here is how to keep the Center sustainable. That is, how can we make sure that we can continue to do all that we are currently doing? Ultimately, this is where the Center’s outreach program is useful. Making connections in the community, sending out word of our services to newspapers, and putting up booth displays are all ways in which we spread the word about the Center and maintain sustainability.

While it may sound like sustainability is just retaining all the business we have, it is really about making new business connections as well. Contracts end and training programs are finite affairs, so when we fulfill one contract with an organization it is important that we have another organization that we can offer our services to next.

Over the years, the Center has done a good job of not only being sustainable, but increasing its capacity as well. I hear stories from older staff about how when the Center started there was only one full-time position and only a handful of volunteers. Additionally, the Center’s only purpose was to provide mediations to clients. Over time the Center has expanded its staff to around 8 full-time staff, 4 Americorps volunteers, and several interns from the community, and increased its services to include certification training, presentations to local businesses and community groups, arbitration, and youth programs. As Bob Glover used to say, we are in the business of conflict resolution.

The Center’s work to maintain sustainability is not as visible as the services that it maintains, but it is always on the minds of those who work here. Hopefully, the continued work we do will be as successful as it has been in the past.

Nathan Eckstrand
Community Outreach Advocate

"Let there be Peace on Earth..."

“Let there be Peace on Earth and let it begin with me” intrigued me the first time I heard it. I wondered how could little ole me promote Peace on Earth?! I certainly could not see myself starting a world wide peace movement, HA!

Certain words or statements defining peace triggered the “ah ha!” response in me. Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, indicates “peace” to be commonly understood to mean the absence of hostilities. The definition goes further to include “freedom from disputes; resolution; non-violence; harmonious relations and the absence of mental stress or anxiety … as the meaning of the word changes with context.”

These descriptions seem to me to be part of the foundation for the process of mediation which offers the service of facilitation to assist others to discuss their conflicts and to agree on ways to resolve them. Even when parties are not able to come up with a resolution, they usually comment that they appreciate the process of attempting to handle their conflict through the process of mediation rather than violence or other types of disruptive behavior.

As I embrace the notion of promoting peace on earth through mediation, each session has an added sense of purpose. It is an opportunity that empowers all involved to promote better human relations by choosing to handle disputes in ways that promote harmony and respect.

I see no world peace movement leader in my future; however, in my own special way as a mediator, I can promote and practice Peace on Earth.

Peace,
Lucretha D. Hyman
Mediator

Mediator Tips
Financial Considerations in Family Mediation

Family mediations will often have to deal with the issue of child support, which means that money will be a factor that comes into play. In order to get a comprehensive view of each person's finances, there are several questions a mediator must get an answer to and several subjects that must be discussed. Examples of both follow:

1. Support Guideline
   a. Income of parents
   b. Health Insurance
   c. Extraordinary medical expenses
   d. Child care expenses
   e. Proportionate shares
   f. Who pays and when?
2. Reduction when child is with other parent?
3. Income Tax exemption: who will take it?
4. Medical care not covered by insurance
   a. Who will decide?
   b. Who will pay and how much?
5. Life insurance - Is the purpose for the policy to cover support in case of death of parent? With current life insurance polices, who is the beneficiary? Who is the owner? What type of policy – term, whole life or universal?
6. College
   a. Expectation of parents
   b. Expectation of children
7. Remember to get Social Security numbers and date of birth for both parents.

There are other questions that will arise as these questions are answered, but making sure that these topics are covered is a first step towards building an understanding of the financial issues involved in the mediation.

Working with Volunteers

We are a Community Mediation Center, which means we use volunteers from the community to do the majority of the interaction with clients. This is great because it allows us to do more than we could with our small staff, and it also allows the community to develop a passion for its own well-being.

The bad part is that volunteers choose when they are able to help, which sometimes means there are holes that have to be filled. As one of the staff persons that works with volunteers, this can be really frustrating. It is hard to strike a balance between respecting a volunteer's time and pressing them to get the job done. I never want to make a volunteer feel guilty for having a life outside of our center; I also never want them to feel underappreciated. At the same time, it is important they recognize that being a volunteer comes with certain obligations, as the Center relies on volunteers to do our work. As we often say, "Volunteers are the heart of the Center."

When volunteers cancel last minute or do not show up for their obligations they leave other volunteers, as well as our clients (which include the courts), in the lurch. It does not make us look good to have to explain to a judge the reason why there was no mediator in court is because our volunteer did not show up, and also to explain why we didn't know in advance. If this were a staff person, there would be a reprimand, but with a volunteer, what reprimand can you give? This person is giving you their precious time- can you really reprimand them for choosing (albeit at the last minute) to not give you their time? It is time freely given.

This scenario, in various forms, happens about 3 times a month, which has led us to evaluate the way we use volunteers and also our volunteer program. We are looking at ways to make our program more effective so that volunteers are not put in a frustrating place, and neither are we. This is a difficult task because we have such an established set of volunteers who may be resistant to change or may feel slighted. It is difficult territory to manage volunteers; however, the payoff for our center and community is usually well worth it. Volunteer management also gives us an opportunity to grow and to hone our communication skills.

Mandy Stallings

Why I work at the CMC

Hello, my name is Benita Stinson and I am a senior at Old Dominion University. I am majoring in Human Service Counseling. Many people wonder why individuals choose majors that do not lend themselves to significant financial gain. I would say, for me, it is the opportunity to help individuals become empowered to lead better, more productive lives and to recognize that they hold the keys to their success. I guess that is my personal informal mission statement and the reason I chose the Community Mediation Center as my internship site. I am really impressed with the work it does in the community, especially for at risk-youth and families who have been displaced.

This summer I had the pleasure of facilitating a peer mediation class for youth participating in the city of Norfolk’s Youth Employment Program. The participants met four hours once a week for the month of July. This was my first experience utilizing the skills I learned in the General Mediation and Peer Mediation classes. I am very pleased to say that thanks to the training I received from the Center, I was well prepared to facilitate this class. The format of the class was very inviting to the participants because it allowed them to build on their natural ability to make great choices, understand and respect others, and learn healthy ways to deal with conflict instead of using violence. It was a valuable opportunity for me to use the knowledge I obtained from the center and my academics to help others. It also allowed me to observe how youth responses to conflict can change immensely when they implement conflict resolution skills as their primary strategies.

The students not only walked away with the power to be productive community members, but also with the tools to craft a great future for themselves!

Benita Stinson
Intern

Mediator Tips
Helpful Phrases in Mediation

Do you ever feel stuck in a mediation, like you don't know what words to use to summarize what the client is saying? It can happen to anyone; the important thing is to not let it unnerve you. Most likely, if you wait a minute, something will come to you to ask. However, it can be helpful to know certain phrases that can come in handy during a mediation. Below are several examples:

• “What I understand you both to be saying is…..”
• “Maybe the two of you could discuss …”
• “what do you want to do about this?”
• “Both of your concerns…”
• “I hear you want… What are some of your choices now?”
• “Have you thought about, or have you talked about…”

There are certainly many more than this. Build your own list of phrases that you can rely on in a mediation.

Mediator Tips
Preparing for a Mediation

It is important that you talk with your co-mediator about how you are going to do the mediation. For example, you should divide up the introduction; each person should have several sections. Next, figure out who is going to take the lead first in the generating options part. That is, who is going to ask the first question and which mediatee is it going to be directed to.

Different mediators have different styles of mediating. Make sure you discuss how you mediate with your partner beforehand so that you can create a collaborative approach that allows both of you to function at your best without stepping on each others' toes.

Also, the setup of the room is important. You should know how many mediatees you have ahead of time and should place the chairs in such a way that the parties, who may be quite hostile towards one another, are not in adversarial positions, but are facing the mediators (although they should not be turned away from each other either).

The more communication there is between you and your co-mediator, the better the mediation will go.

My name is Heather and this is my first blog. As the new Youth Program Coordinator, I was asked to submit a little something to the company website. I have been trying to come up with a few wise words for your reading pleasure, oh…the pressure!

I’m currently a senior at Old Dominion University under the Human Services curriculum with a special focus on children. A lot of people associate “Human Services” with “Human Resources”, there is a huge difference. Under the Human Services program I have focused on courses in Counseling, Sociology, Child Welfare, Grant Writing, and Communication. I love serving the community and I’m grateful for the opportunity to work with an agency that has such an ethical and impeccable reputation.

I have been away from the typical office setting for about three years and was a little nervous about the comeback. Although I consider myself a Rookie at the CMC, I already feel at ease. A CMC staffer is consistently available to answer questions, address issues and listen to suggestions. I’m eager to learn everything I can about the center, its’ team, the programs we offer, and the people we serve.

Thank You!

Heather M. Mathews (with one t)
Youth Programs Coordinator

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Mediator Tips
Writing the Resolution

Hopefully, your mediation will end with a resolution. However, to keep the parties from returning, a good resolution must be several things. First, it should be simple so that all parties can easily understand what it says. Second, it should be specific as to who does what and when they do it. Ambiguity can lead to more disagreements. Third, it must be balanced so that everyone is doing something. Fourth, there should be a universal consensus about the agreement; that is, everyone must agree to all parts of it. Finally, it needs to be practical. If an agreement asks the near impossible, it is unlikely that the parties will be able to hold to it and will slide back into conflict. Make sure to ask them if they feel they can do what they've agreed to.

Here are some helpful tips for writing a resolution:

• Offer an opening statement to frame the agreement but leave it up to them if they wish to use it or not.
• Use the parties’ names in the agreement and identify their relationship, i.e. John and Mary have a landlord-tenant relationship. Alternate names throughout the agreement.
• Use the parties’ own words as much as possible. Don’t add issues that they did not discuss in session.
• Add in any positive emotions from the session but don’t make any up. If there weren’t any “warm and fuzzies”, don’t add any.
• Avoid ambiguous terms such as "reasonable" or "soon" and don’t use any legal terminology, unless directed to and/or under the guidance of a court.